Iraq Fighting
Violence in Baghdad has risen with the onset of the Muslim holy month of Ramadan. Well, everyone does get a lot more stressed around the holidays.

7/11 Reaction
7-Eleven is dropping Venezuelan-owned Citgo as its gasoline supplier in the wake of Hugo Chavez's anti-Bush speech at the U.N. And to protest Bill Clinton's tantrum on FOX News, 7-11 will no longer sell the egg, bacon and cheese breakfast sandwich.

Elton on Clay
In an interview Elton John said that he does not care if Clay Aiken is gay or not.. he just wants to know if Aiken is really K.D. Lang in disguise.

Sheen's Deal
Charlie Sheen has signed a deal in which he will earn $350,000 per episode for his show "Two and a Half Men." That's $175,000 for each audience chuckle.

Armstrong NYC Marathon
Lance Armstrong has been preparing to run the New York City Marathon. But he's going to take an alternate route that passes the most drug stores.

Joel's House
Billy Joel is selling his Oyster Bay, New York home and asking $37.5 million. For that, a buyer will get five bedrooms, three baths, and 16 wrecked cars on the front lawn.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday

Owens Denial
Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens is strongly denying he tried to kill himself last night. Now if you'll excuse him, he's late for his motorcycle ride with Ben Roethlisberger.

Top 5 Reasons Terrell Owens has to Live

5) There still are a few NFL fans out there that he hasn't offended

4) He still needs to swipe that Campbell's Soup away from Donovan McNab's mama

3) After football, he has a lucrative future as the spokesman for Prozac

2) He hasn't even had a chance to publicly trash any of his Dallas teammates yet!

1) If he gets back to the Super Bowl, maybe he'll get to see Janet Jackson's OTHER breast!

Pirro Probe
Republican New York state attorney general candidate Jeanine Pirro is under federal investigation for allegedly plotting to secretly record her husband to find out if he was having an affair. Apparently Pirro is the only person in New York who DOESN’T know her husband is having an affair.

Bush Angry
President Bush is calling the leak of the National Intelligence Estimate a devious political act intended to undermine his administration. Of course, that's also what he says about the midterm elections.

Bush on CIA
President Bush says the CIA is "naïve" for saying the Iraq war was spreading terror worldwide and helping to rally new recruits for Al Qaeda. Not because it isn't true, but because they're now all out of a job.

Leak Investigation
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says the Justice Department is deciding whether to investigate those responsible for leaking the National Intelligence Assessment, or simply giving their names to Robert Novak.

MySpace Voting
MySpace.com is launching a voter-registration drive... apparently in an attempt to empower the nation's sex offenders and pedophiles.

Longer Tours
The Pentagon said Thursday that 3,800 US soldiers will be staying in Iraq about six weeks beyond their one-year combat tours. But that's only because it'll take security at least that long to go through all their carry-on bags.

Pope's Olive Branch
In hopes of ending anger in the Islamic world over his remarks on holy war, Pope Benedict told Muslim envoys Monday that their two faiths must overcome historic enmities and work together against the Jews.

UVA Early Admits
The University of Virginia announced Monday that it would drop it's early-decision admissions process. But the school emphasized that students who want to get drunk before starting school there can still do so on their own at any time.

Martin's Crusade
Ricky Martin testified before Congress Tuesday as part of his campaign for better laws and more money to combat global trafficking in children. Tomorrow, he's going to rat out his managers from Menudo.

Allen's Denial
Virginia Senator George Allen is denying that he frequently used the N-word in public in the 1970's and 80's. Now that he's found out that he's Jewish, Allen is insisting the only word he used was "schvartza."

Saints Back Home
The New Orleans Saints played their first home game at the Superdome since Hurricane Katrina last night. But now that the city has spent $185 million to give the 50 players on the football team a new home, the other two million people are out of luck.

Top 5 List of Priorities for the City of New Orleans

5) Provide Anderson Cooper with a good excuse to write another self-serving book

4) Remind the world that you don't need a real population or a sound infrastructure to get publicly drunk

3) Pay someone $1 million a year to turn Mayor Nagin's microphone off whenever he speaks in public

2) When all else fails, save the football team first

1) Make sure the guys finish rebuilding the levees BEFORE letting them go to Mardi Gras


Miss Cleo Gay
Former infomercial psychic Miss Cleo revealed in the latest issue of the Advocate that she is a lesbian. So there IS finally a person who gay people are embarrassed of.

Offensive Ads
Islamic leaders are upset with an Ohio car dealership's ad campaign promising a "jihad on high prices." Muslims customers are mostly upset that none of the cars come with bombs.

Rummy's Tenure
In December Donald Rumsfeld will pass Robert McNamara as the longest serving Secretary of Defense... and he's gonna keep at it until he gets it right!

U.S.-Venezuela Tensions
Tensions between the U.S. and Venezuela got worse over the weekend after the Venezuelan foreign minister was detained for an hour at JFK Airport. Luckily, American diplomats have since explained to the foreign minister that getting delayed at JFK is one of our nation's oldest and most accepted traditions.

McCain on Bolton
Senator John McCain is urging a quick confirmation of John Bolton as U.N. ambassador, saying he is needed to talk back to "two-bit dictators" such as Hugo Chavez. Actually, that's a job for Andrew Dice Clay.

Secret Terror Report
A classified intelligence report concludes that the Iraq war has worsened the terrorist threat to the United States. It's not clear which CIA agents put the report together, but their names are expected to be leaked by the Vice President's office in the next few days.

Osama Dead?
The Bush administration will not confirm reports that Osama bin Laden died of typhoid last month... mostly because President Bush doesn't want to pay typhoid that $25 million reward.

Hillary Worse than Satan?
The Rev. Jerry Falwell said Sunday that if Hillary Clinton were the Democrats' presidential nominee in 2008, evangelical Christian voters would work harder against her than they would against the devil himself. That's because at least Satan isn't a woman.

Oprah Web Site Threat
Oprah Winfrey's lawyers are threatening to sue a man who is using her likeness on a Web site calling her to run for president in 2008. It's only legal to use a person's picture to humiliate them until after they've been elected.

Iraq Debate
Several of Iraq's new political parties have agreed to debate a bill that could divide the nation into several states. The debate will be decided by whoever detonates the most car bombs over the next two weeks.

Clinton vs. Wallace
Fox News anchor Chris Wallace says he was surprised that former President Bill Clinton blew up at him during an interview Sunday... I mean it's not like he made him sit next to Hillary in the green room or anything.

Army Deserter to Return
An Army deserter who fled to Canada two years ago after serving in Iraq says he will return to the U.S. Apparently, the Republican Party can't wait to nominate him for president.

Dems vs. Chavez
Democrats are speaking out against Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez's bashing President Bush and calling him "the devil"... and if he ever steals their lines again, they're going to sue.

No Nukes!
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad insisted Thursday that Iran "doesn't need a nuclear bomb." And that's true, he can make most Americans' heads explode just by speaking at the U.N.

Wal-Mart's Discount Drugs
Wal-Mart announced a pilot program in Florida to sell about 300 generic prescription drugs for as low as $4 for a 30-day supply. $4 a month? Hey, that's what they pay most of their employees!

KKK Origins
A national black Republican group is running a radio ad accusing Democrats of starting the Ku Klux Klan. The ad goes on to remind everyone that while the Democrats created the Klan, it was the Republicans who perfected it.

Branson Pledge
British business mogul Richard Branson has pledged to invest about $3 billion to help the environment. Of course, Branson has been fighting global warming for years, mostly by encouraging people to walk around nude.

Bonds Reporters Jailed
Two San Francisco Chronicle reporters were sentenced to a maximum of 18 months in prison Thursday, for refusing to testify about who leaked them secret grand jury testimony about steroids and Barry Bonds. The reporters are now appealing the sentence and trying to blame this on Vice President Cheney.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday

Pope's Respect
Continuing his conciliatory tone, Pope Benedict XVI said Wednesday that he has a "deep respect for Islam"... you know, in the way that you have to respect a guy with a gun to your head.

Chavez Calls Bush the Devil
President Hugo Chávez of Venezuela assailed President Bush before the United Nations General Assembly Wednesday, calling him “the devil.” The speech was written by the New York Times editorial board.

Sulfur Smell
Chavez said he knew President Bush was the devil because the U.N. rostrum "still smelled like sulfur" a day after he spoke. Actually, that smell was Jack Daniels.

U.N. Reaction
Several members of the U.N. General Assembly applauded and laughed at Chavez's comments, something they'll do again when they hear the same material while sitting in the studio audience at the Daily Show later this week.

Top 5 Signs You Might be the Devil

5) The oil companies keep hiring you as a consultant

4) The only place you feel at home is at a Marilyn Manson concert

3) You've always wanted to work for the IRS

2) You signed Ashlee Simpson to her recording contract

1) Mike Wallace keeps asking you out

Roadless Forests
A federal judge has ruled that the Bush administration failed to conduct necessary environmental studies before trying to repeal laws banning road building in national forests. But the White House says all the coyotes it asked really want to drive.

Air Travel Advisory
Because of the spinach E. Coli outbreak, U.S. travelers will no longer be allowed to bring animal feces on their carry-on bags.

Bush at the U.N.
President Bush spoke at the United Nations today, enraging thousands of Muslims... who were unable to get their cabs through the heavy midtown Manhattan traffic.

Male Sexuality
A new medical study shows that 10% of men who say they are straight admit to having sex with other men. In Washington, heterosexual men who sometimes agree to have gay sex are known as "lobbyists."

Thai Coup
Tanks are rolling through the streets of Bangkok and are just three miles from the Capitol as an apparent coup is underway in Thailand. Considering the usual state of the traffic in Bangkok, I'd say the sitting government has about 16 hours to prepare.

Thai TV
All international TV broadcasts have been shut down in Thailand as the unrest continues. Well, if that's what it takes to get "The Apprentice" off the air, I say we start a military march on Washington right now!

Hungary Protests
Hungarians are rioting en masse in reaction to the government's admission that it lied about the state of the economy for years. Of course, when Americans learn that their government has lied about the economy, we protest by running up our credit card debt.

Shuttle Landing Delayed
NASA is postponing the space shuttle Atlantis' scheduled Wednesday landing because of an unidentified object was seen floating near the vehicle. It's not clear whether it's a pair of nail clippers or a bottle of shampoo.

Gibson Wedding
Mel Gibson's only daughter, Hannah, married blues-rock guitarist Kenny Wayne Shepherd this weekend. While walking his daughter down the aisle, Gibson tripped over the white carpet and blamed the Jews.

Al Qaeda vs. the Pope
As Muslim anger against Pope Benedict XVI grows, al Qaeda is launching several plots against the Pontiff. The most sinister plan is a scheme to steal the entire world's supply of bleach.

Al Qaeda vs. the Pope II
As Muslim anger against Pope Benedict XVI grows, al Qaeda is launching several plots against the Pontiff. But it will be hard for the terrorists to do any worse than what Michigan did to Notre Dame on Saturday.

Capitol Breach
An armed man who had crack cocaine in his possession ran through the U.S. Capitol Monday after crashing his vehicle on the Capitol grounds. Police say he was just in a hurry to deliver his campaign donation.

Stork Attacked
Rumanian police are looking for the person who viciously attacked a stork in a bird sanctuary in that country. The prime suspect is a local woman who has 12 kids.

Willie Arrested
Willie Nelson has been arrested for marijuana possession in Louisiana. Willie told police he had the pot because he was sick of singing about booze.

Bad Spinach Source
After several days, the FDA still can't find the source of the E. Coli-tainted spinach that has sickened dozens across the country... but the FBI does have an arrest warrant out for Bluto.

Chirac's Plea
French President Jacques Chirac says that people should not link Islam to violence. Um Jacques, too bad the only people linking Islam to violence are Muslims.

Muslim Reaction
In reaction to Pope Benedict XVI's quotation of a text calling Muslims violent, an Italian nun has been shot to death in Somalia and five churches were firebombed in the West Bank and one in Iraq. Proving once again that the best way to react to your religion being called violent is to go out and commit acts of violence.

Top 5 Other Things Pope Benedict Said to Offend Muslims

5) “Because of you people, I can’t even bring my holy water in my carry-on bags”

4) “Hey when it comes to making women wear ugly outfits, the burka makes a nun’s habit look like a string bikini”

3) “You know what?... the Pope Mobile is now a hybrid car!”

2) “Jamie Farr was totally the weak link on M*A*S*H”

1) “Those damn Muslim terrorists are distracting me from bashing gay people!”

Pope Clarification
The Pope says he really just wants an open and honest dialogue with Muslims. But unfortunately, Benedict doesn't speak terrorist.

Box Office Winner
The football flick "Gridiron Gang," about a team of prison convicts, was number one at the box office this weekend. Usually to see a bunch of criminals on a football field, you just have to watch the Oklahoma game on TV.

McGreevey Book
Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey has new autobiography out titled "The Confession." In it, he admits that the only thing more embarrassing than getting caught having a gay love affair, was getting caught being the governor of New Jersey.

GOP Compromise?
There are signs of a compromise in the bitter political fight over terrorist interrogations that pits President George W. Bush against members of his own Republican Party. The deal being proposed is that the GOP Senators will support the President's position on questioning enemy combatants, as long as he promises not to show up at any of their campaign rallies.

Cuban Summit
Leaders from Iran, North Korea, Syria, and Venezuela are participating in a summit in Cuba. Also attending are the Joker, the Hob Goblin, and Lex Luthor.

German Rabbis
Three men have been ordained as Rabbis in Germany for the first time since World War II. They will now go where they're needed most; to perform overflow high holiday services in synagogues on Long Island.

Islam vs. Benedict
Several Muslim leaders are expressing anger over a speech Pope Benedict XVI recently made that was critical of Islam. Arabs are mostly furious about the increased workload now that now they're going to have to start killing Jews AND Catholics.

Ford Buyouts
Ford has offered all 75,000 of its hourly workers employment buyouts. The best part of the deal is that they'll each be given a free Toyota.

Oldest Writing
Archaeologists believe a 3,000-year-old stone slab just discovered in Veracruz, Mexico is the oldest written tablet ever discovered in the Western Hemisphere. The ancient text describes the best way to sneak over the border to California.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday

Whitney-Bobby Split
Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have confirmed they are getting divorced. Whitney is now looking for a new man to share her life with, and Bobby is looking for a new woman to bail him out of jail.

Whitney-Bobby Split II
Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have confirmed they are getting divorced. Whitney is filing for custody of the children, and Bobby is hoping to get custody of some of Whitney's teeth.

Couric's Doc on Staff
The doctor who performed Katie Couric's famous on-air colonoscopy has been put on staff as a medical reporter for CBS News. You always have to go through a lot of sh*t to get a good job in broadcasting.

Couric's Doc on Staff
The doctor who performed Katie Couric's famous on-air colonoscopy has been put on staff as a medical reporter for CBS News. Usually, the people who can take Couric's sh*t are just made producers.

Ford Job Cuts
Ford Motor Company will cut thousands more white collar jobs than it originally planned this year. Ford is vowing to keep laying people off until they get rid of the guy who's been making all the bad cars.

Top 5 Problems at Ford

5) Cost-cutting plan making steering wheels optional turned out to be a major flop

4) Instead of a warranty, Ford salesmen just give you the phone number of the nearest Toyota dealer

3) Employee pricing promotion failed because even Ford employees don't buy Fords

2) Ford cars actually not as sturdy as President Ford

1) Company execs think it's 1995

Age in America
A new study shows that Native American men have the shortest life expectancy in the entire country. Apparently, running a casino takes a lot out you.

Age in America II
A new study shows that Native American men have the shortest life expectancy in the entire country. Well sure, I mean a steady diet of water buffalo will just kill your arteries.

Age in America III
A new study shows Asian-American women living in Bergen County, New Jersey have the longest life expectancy in the nation. Oh the cruel twist of fate; you get to live a long time... but you have to do it in Jersey.

Iraq-9/11 Link
Critics are bashing President Bush for trying to connect the war in Iraq to 9/11. I don't see what the problem is; they're both examples of what ill preparation and inept leadership can get you.

HP Chair Out
Hewlett-Packard Chairwoman Patricia Dunn is stepping down after it was revealed she authorized spying on her fellow board members. She is expected to succeed Alberto Gonzales as U.S. Attorney General by the end of the year.

Ratings Clash
NBC's Sunday night NFL game easily beat ABC's controversial "The Path to 9/11" TV movie in the ratings. In a related story, nobody chose Madeline Albright or Sandy Berger in the anti-terrorism fantasy draft.

Top 5 Signs the Networks Overdid the 9/11 Anniversary Coverage

5) Katie Couric had her teeth darkened

4) While talking about where he was when the attacks occurred, Anderson Cooper admitted he was "in the can"

3) Bill O'Reilly observed a moment of silence, and a 15-minute "no sexual harassment" period

2) Brian Williams put down his scripts at precisely 6:35pm and ordered all his viewers to "start crying now!"

1) Viewers were so sick of it all they were actually relieved to see the "Head On" commercial again

Today's TV
After flooding the airwaves with 5th anniversary coverage of 9/11/01, Tuesday's cable news channels plan 16-straight hours of 5th anniversary coverage of 9/12/01.

Gay Republican
Republican state Senator Paul Koering of Minnesota faces a tough primary challenge Tuesday because he has recently come out as a gay man. But if he loses, he does have a future as a GOP plant in the White House press corps.

Religion Survey
A new survey of religion in the U.S. finds people have very different images of God —from a wrathful deity thundering at sinful humanity to a distant power uninvolved in mankind's affairs... and then there are the people who believe in the Da Vinci Code.

Palestinian Deal
The Palestinian Authority president, Mahmoud Abbas, said Monday that he had reached a tentative agreement with Hamas to form a national unity government. It turns out Jew-hating really does bring people together!

Mysterious Death
Anna Nicole Smith's son has been found dead. Police suspect he died of prolonged embarrassment.

9/11 Anniversary
The White House is asking all Americans to set aside time tomorrow to remember the 5th anniversary of the 9/11/01 attacks... that may not be easy to do since the administration wants us never to set aside time to think about anything else.

9/11 Anniversary II
All the nation's newspapers and TV news broadcasters are airing specials today commemorate the last time they covered a story that wasn't about Paris Hilton.

9/11 Anniversary III
President Bush laid a wreath at Ground Zero Sunday, the site where the Twin Towers stood before they were destroyed by terrorists who considered New Yorkers to be "evil infidels." The President Bush returned to the White House, where everyone from New York is considered to be evil infidels.

9/11 Anniversary IV
While President and Mrs. Bush spent Sunday in New York City, Vice President Cheney went home to Wyoming where he marked the 9/11 anniversary by shooting off a 21-gun salute directly at all of his hunting buddies.

9/11 Anniversary V
For most Americans, this September 11th truly will be more special than the previous four years... but that's because it's the premiere of Monday Night Football.

Gore for President?
Al Gore says he hasn't ruled out making another run at the White House. Most Americans support him doing anything that would stop him from making another movie.

Star Trek 40th
This week marked the 40th anniversary of the original "Star Trek" TV show... and the 35th anniversary of William Shatner's original toupee.

COMIC STRIP ALERT!!!
The three latest installments of my comic strip SCHMOOZE OR LOSE is up on the website, click here: Schmooze or lose

Then click on the "comics" icon on the top of the page after the opening animation plays out to see all the strips.

Sorry, for the delays the last few weeks, but we've all been busy. For those of you in Los Angeles, remember that you can catch the hard copy of the strip before anyone else in the Jewish Journal!

"Path to 9/11" Protest
Several former Clinton administration officials are lodging formal protests against the new ABC miniseries, "The Path to 9/11." They don't have a problem with any of the scenes about terrorism, they're just upset that there aren't enough sex scenes.

"Path to 9/11" Protest II
Former Clinton administration officials say ABC should either correct mistakes in "The Path to 9/11" or not air it. In other words, they'd just like to see more episodes of "Grey's Anatomy."

Top 5 Questionable things about ABC's "Path to 9/11"

5) Secretary of State Madeline Albright is being played by Lindsay Lohan

4) Much of the script written by the same people who did "According to Jim"

3) Obnoxious laugh track plays every time Osama bin Laden appears on camera

2) Plot makes less sense than the first season of "Lost"

1) It's sponsored by Halliburton

Hilton DUI
Paris Hilton has been arrested for drunk driving. How police were able to tell the difference between a drunk Paris Hilton and a sober Paris Hilton is beyond comprehension.

Hilton DUI II
Paris Hilton has been arrested for drunk driving. While being cuffed, she started into an expletive-laced tirade blaming Nicole Richie for "causing all the wars in the world."

The Met Goes to the Movies
In a bid to gain new audiences, New York's Metropolitan Opera plans to pipe live video broadcasts to movie theaters across the country. Opera fans are excited about the idea, but they're going to need to find a way to get popcorn grease off their tuxedos.

Secret Prisons
President Bush has finally admitted to the use of secret CIA prisons hold top terror suspects, but he says they have all now been transferred to Guantanamo. Apparently, the prisoners used all their bonus terrorist reward points to get the upgrade.

Secret Prisons II
President Bush has for the first time acknowledged the use of secret CIA prisons in Europe to hold top terror suspects. Civil rights activists and European leftists are furious over the news, but not as much as the people at Halliburton who never got to build the prisons and overcharge the government for them.

Top 5 Signs You're Being Held in a Secret CIA Prison in Europe

5)The prison was completely shut down during the World Cup

4) Your cell block doesn't have a shower, but every prisoner has his own toilet and bidet

3) All the European guards keep offering to help you escape

2) Every time CIA agents subjected you electroshock torture, they had to use a wall adapter

1) It's better than the way everyone still lives in your home country

Jeffs Hearing
Alleged polygamist Warren Jeffs appeared before a Utah judge Wednesday for a scheduling hearing. But the proceedings were delayed several times as Jeffs kept asking the judge to marry him.

Jeffs Defenders
Jeffs followers keep insisting he is a "true prophet." But any man willing to be married to more than four women at once is really just a martyr.

Air Force Officer Missing
A U.S. Air Force officer is missing after a trip to a shopping mall in the Kyrgyzstan mall. She was last seen walking with Kyrgyz's only living vowel.

Rumsfeld Surgery
Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld underwent shoulder surgery Tuesday. No anesthesiologists were needed; Rumsfeld's been unconscious since we invaded Iraq.

Rumsfeld Surgery II
Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld underwent shoulder surgery Tuesday. Several doctors were needed to remove damaged tissue, bone spurs, and the notion that things are going well in Iraq.

Rumsfeld Surgery III
Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld underwent elective shoulder surgery Tuesday. Most doctors felt the injury could have been better treated with physical therapy, but Rumsfeld insisted on going in and cutting everything up.

Mexican Election Official
Felipe Calderon became president-elect of Mexico on Tuesday, two months after a disputed election. It took so long to certify his narrow victory because most of the people who voted in the election have illegally emigrated to the U.S.

Croc Hunter Video
Steve Irwin's deadly encounter with a stingray was captured on dramatic videotape showing him pulling out the animal's poisonous barb that had pierced his heart moments before he died. But a closer look shows that the barb may have come from a grassy knoll on the other side of the reef.

Croc Hunter Killed
Steve "Croc Hunter" Irwin was killed by a stingray Monday. Witnesses say it was a freak accident, but the stingray is now demanding his own show on Animal Planet.

Croc Hunter Killed II
Steve "Croc Hunter" Irwin was killed by a stingray Monday. Witnesses say it was a freak accident, but Nancy Grace says the stingray is obviously guilty.

Croc Hunter Killed III
Steve "Croc Hunter" Irwin was killed by a stingray Monday while filming a TV show off the Australian coast. The Bush administration is responding by allowing the oil companies to drill for crude in the area for the next 50 years.

Croc Hunter Killed IV
Steve "Croc Hunter" Irwin was killed by a stingray Monday while filming a wildlife TV show off the Australian coast. But the stingray is denying everything and is vowing to spend the rest of his life looking for the real killers.

Croc Hunter Killed V
Steve "Croc Hunter" Irwin was killed by a stingray Monday while filming a wildlife TV show off the Australian coast. "Jack Hanna, you're next," the stingray was heard saying while fleeing the scene.

Cher's Garage Sale
Cher is clearing her Malibu home of more than $1 million worth of her clothes and accessories in a giant garage sale. All of the world's drag queens are already making a pilgrimage to the event.

Roethlisberger Out
Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will miss one game following his emergency appendectomy this weekend. Apparently, the appendix want out of Roethlisberger's body before he goes riding on his motorcycle again.

Bush Assassination Movie
Conservatives are in a huff over a new film that portrays the fictional assassination of President Bush. They're mostly outraged it's not a non-fictional account of the assassination of President Clinton.

Khatami's Claim
Former Iranian President Mohammad Khatami says U.S. foreign policy is furthering terrorism in the Muslim world. The Bush administration is scoffing at that claim, mostly because we don't really have a foreign policy.

Agassi Loses
Andre Agassi lost his 3rd round match at the U.S. Open Sunday. The loss means Agassi will almost surely retire, and all the crying he did after the match means he is almost surely gay.

European Moon Mission
Europe's first spacecraft to the moon ended its three-year mission Sunday by crashing into the lunar surface as technicians applauded emotionally at mission control in Germany. That figures; the Europeans have been celebrating failures for more than 60 years now.

Florida Sperm Mishap
Thousands of sperm samples, some stored by men who feared they could become impotent, were accidentally destroyed in a refrigeration tank at the University of Florida this weekend. Now if we could just stop every other man from Florida from reproducing, we'd really be in business!

Florida Sperm Mishap II
Thousands of sperm samples, some stored by men who feared they could become impotent, were accidentally destroyed in a refrigeration tank at the University of Florida this weekend. Luckily, they were all insured, so each man will be getting sperm of equal or better value in the mail sometime this week.

Pets Killed
Three people and a dog and a cat were shot to death this weekend in a shooting attack in Newark, New Jersey. Apparently, the killers were after those cool leather Hartz 2-in-one collars that all the street pets are wearing these days.

Medicare Chief Quitting
Medicare and Medicaid chief Dr. Mark McClellan reportedly intends to resign. If there’s any justice in this world, he’ll be forced to fill out six days worth of paperwork before he’s allowed to leave.

Medicare Chief Quitting II
Medicare and Medicaid chief Dr. Mark McClellan reportedly intends to resign. I wonder if it’s easier to find a bureaucrat to accept his resignation than it is to find a doctor who accepts medicare.

Medicare Chief Quitting III
Medicare and Medicaid chief Dr. Mark McClellan reportedly intends to resign. McClellan had to quit, because after two years of trying, even he can't figure out Medicare Part D.

Ernesto Strength
Tropical Storm Ernesto could become a Category 1 hurricane when it makes landfall. Just as a precaution, President Bush is going on vacation.

Ernesto Strength II
Tropical Storm Ernesto could become a Category 1 hurricane when it makes landfall. But to get that upgrade it will have to cash in most of its frequent flier miles.

Loan Probe
A just-revealed federal program created days after Sept. 11, 2001, examined financial aid records of college students in an effort to identify terrorists. It's unclear whether any extremists were found, but the Feds did identify thousands of American kids who have been living on Cheetos since graduation.

Loan Probe II
A just-revealed federal program created days after Sept. 11, 2001, examined financial aid records of college students in an effort to identify Islamic extremists. Of course, all the government had to do to get some real terrorists was to arrest the people at the college loan companies.

Top 5 Bush Speech Topics Defending the War in Iraq

5) "American soldiers are killing and raping Iraqi girls over there so they won't have to do it over here"

4) "Donald Rumsfeld sure has a purty mouth"

3) "If we pull out, we'll be handing Iraq over to our worst enemies; CBS News"

2) "If Hitler were alive, he'd be rooting for al Qaeda... and the Buffalo Bills"

1) "Baghdad STILL looks better than New Orleans"

Iran Nukes
Iran defiantly refused to meet a United Nations deadline to stop enriching uranium by Thursday, and President Bush says "there must be consequences" for the defiance. So, we're sending Mike Wallace to Gitmo.