Air Travel Advisory
Because of the spinach E. Coli outbreak, U.S. travelers will no longer be allowed to bring animal feces on their carry-on bags.

Bush at the U.N.
President Bush spoke at the United Nations today, enraging thousands of Muslims... who were unable to get their cabs through the heavy midtown Manhattan traffic.

Male Sexuality
A new medical study shows that 10% of men who say they are straight admit to having sex with other men. In Washington, heterosexual men who sometimes agree to have gay sex are known as "lobbyists."

Thai Coup
Tanks are rolling through the streets of Bangkok and are just three miles from the Capitol as an apparent coup is underway in Thailand. Considering the usual state of the traffic in Bangkok, I'd say the sitting government has about 16 hours to prepare.

Thai TV
All international TV broadcasts have been shut down in Thailand as the unrest continues. Well, if that's what it takes to get "The Apprentice" off the air, I say we start a military march on Washington right now!

Hungary Protests
Hungarians are rioting en masse in reaction to the government's admission that it lied about the state of the economy for years. Of course, when Americans learn that their government has lied about the economy, we protest by running up our credit card debt.

Shuttle Landing Delayed
NASA is postponing the space shuttle Atlantis' scheduled Wednesday landing because of an unidentified object was seen floating near the vehicle. It's not clear whether it's a pair of nail clippers or a bottle of shampoo.

Gibson Wedding
Mel Gibson's only daughter, Hannah, married blues-rock guitarist Kenny Wayne Shepherd this weekend. While walking his daughter down the aisle, Gibson tripped over the white carpet and blamed the Jews.