Ernesto Strength
Tropical Storm Ernesto could become a Category 1 hurricane when it makes landfall. Just as a precaution, President Bush is going on vacation.

Ernesto Strength II
Tropical Storm Ernesto could become a Category 1 hurricane when it makes landfall. But to get that upgrade it will have to cash in most of its frequent flier miles.

Loan Probe
A just-revealed federal program created days after Sept. 11, 2001, examined financial aid records of college students in an effort to identify terrorists. It's unclear whether any extremists were found, but the Feds did identify thousands of American kids who have been living on Cheetos since graduation.

Loan Probe II
A just-revealed federal program created days after Sept. 11, 2001, examined financial aid records of college students in an effort to identify Islamic extremists. Of course, all the government had to do to get some real terrorists was to arrest the people at the college loan companies.

Top 5 Bush Speech Topics Defending the War in Iraq

5) "American soldiers are killing and raping Iraqi girls over there so they won't have to do it over here"

4) "Donald Rumsfeld sure has a purty mouth"

3) "If we pull out, we'll be handing Iraq over to our worst enemies; CBS News"

2) "If Hitler were alive, he'd be rooting for al Qaeda... and the Buffalo Bills"

1) "Baghdad STILL looks better than New Orleans"

Iran Nukes
Iran defiantly refused to meet a United Nations deadline to stop enriching uranium by Thursday, and President Bush says "there must be consequences" for the defiance. So, we're sending Mike Wallace to Gitmo.