NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com with TWO jokes! Here's the link: Newsday

Pluto Not a Planet
Astronomers have now voted to strip Pluto of its designation as a planet, saying it's too small. In response to the news, real estate values on Pluto have crashed.

Pluto Not a Planet II
Astronomers have now voted to strip Pluto of its designation as a planet. In response, Pluto's supporters are petitioning the United Nations for sanctions against Israel.

Pluto Not a Planet III
Pluto is no longer a planet. This is a development shocking experts who thought the Galactic Empire would find Pluto too remote to make an effective display of the Death Star's destructive abilities.

Pluto Not a Planet IV
Astronomers have now voted to strip Pluto of its designation as a planet, and now it's basically just a big lifeless rock in space... kind of like Arkansas.

Apple Recall
Apple is recalling 1.8 million battery packs for its notebook computers. Apple has received nine reports of batteries overheating, two reports of minor burns, and 30,000 reports of teenagers who thought they were being punished for looking at Internet porn.

French Peacekeepers
France is sending an extra 1,600 troops to the United Nations peacekeeping force for Lebanon. The French troops will help Lebanese civilians get back to their homes, clear debris, and teach everyone how to blame everything on Israel.

French Peacekeepers II
France initially offered only to send 400 troops to Lebanon, disappointing many United Nations diplomats who had expected the French to provide the backbone of the mission... yeah, you see they forgot that "France" and "backbone" never go together.

Lynch Pregnant
Jessica Lynch, the former prisoner of war in Iraq, is pregnant. Well, at least now we know she's been screwed by somebody other than the U.S. Army.

Bomb Plant Explosions
A series of explosions and a fire at a plant where military bombs are recycled forced the evacuation of more than 1,000 people from nearby schools and a jail in Louisiana. Wow, explosions at a bomb plant... what are the chances?!?

Bomb Plant Explosions II
A series of explosions and a fire at a plant where military bombs are recycled forced the evacuation of more than 1,000 people from nearby schools and a jail in Louisiana. I realize there are dangers involved, but thank goodness for places like this, because you hate to see people throwing away perfectly good bombs.