Thursday, August 17, 2006

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Here's the link: Newsday

JohnBenet Suspect
Boulder police say they arrested John Mark Karr for the JonBenet Ramsey murder in part because he was "obsessed with the case." Well, I guess they're going to be rounding up everyone at CNN any day now.

Karr Alibi?
Karr's ex-wife says she was with him at the time of the murders and couldn't possibly have killed JohnBenet. Of course, that's the word of a woman who didn't even realize she was married to a pedophile for years.

Wiretapping Ruling
A federal judge has ruled that the U.S. government's domestic eavesdropping program is unconstitutional and ordered it ended immediately. To save face, the Bush administration is begging the British to arrest some more terror suspects right away.

Top 5 Signs Your Government is Running an Illegal Wiretapping Program

5) The only "experts" defending the program are the actors from "Boston Legal"

4) The White House is claiming it helped nab that weirdo in the JohnBenet case

3) The only calls getting monitored are to suspected al Qaeda terrorists and Democratic party fundraisers

2) The Attorney General keeps saying: "Warrants? We don't need no stinking warrants!"

1) President Bush thinks it's a good idea

Mel DUI Deal
Mel Gibson has reached a plea deal in connection with his drunken driving arrest. As part of the plea bargain he must attend one year's worth of AA meetings... at Temple Sinai.

Osment Charges
18-year old Haley Joel Osment faces up to six months in jail on charges of driving drunk and possessing marijuana. But he does deserve special kudos for making the "child star to dangerous criminal" turnaround in record time.

Tobacco Ruling
A federal judge has ruled that the nation's top cigarette makers violated racketeering laws, deceiving the public for years about the health hazards of smoking. The companies may now be forced to pay the government billions in fines... or just increase their donations to the Republican party.


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