Friday, August 11, 2006

TERROR ARRESTS IN LONDON-JET PLOT FOILED

Experts believe this was either a serious terror plot or a really good publicity stunt for Snakes on a Plane!

British police suspect a Heathrow Airport employee may have been the ringleader in the plot, confirming what travelers have known for years: airport workers are ALL terrorists!

Due to the nature of the new threat airlines are prohibiting any liquids, hair gels, and body lotions from being carried on airplanes... Star Jones may never fly again.

New safety measures are being imposed in the wake of these arrests. Airline passengers will no longer be able to bring along sports drinks, gels, or anyone named Muhammad.

Passengers will now be frisked, patted down, and forced to have an enema before boarding any international flights.

President Bush said the arrests are a "stark reminder" that the U.S. is "at war with Islamic fascists." But they are apparently not stark enough to get him to end his vacation.

In response to the arrests, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered the National Guard to airports in his state... and asked Lou Dobbs to watch the border in the meantime.

Increased security means airline passengers around the country should show up at least two hours early for all domestic flights, three hours for international flights, and if you're planning on flying to Heathrow anytime this year, you're already too late.

The terror plot arrests sent oil prices tumbling as speculators believe there will be less air travel. U.S. motorists are now rooting for more terror plots.

HUMOR BLOGGING THE WAR IN ISRAEL, Thursday August 10th

The U.S. and France have agreed on the main points of a resolution to end fighting between Israel and Hezbollah. The two sides came to an agreement mostly because no one actually consulted with Israel of Hezbollah.

Avi Dichter, a senior Israeli cabinet minister, said the timing of a broader offensive in Lebanon ā€œdepends to a great extent on what is happening now in New York.ā€ So does that mean we root for or against the Mets?

Israeli jets again dropped leaflets over Southern Lebanon, warning residents to abandon their homes. But this time the reason given was rising mortgage interest rates.

AND IN OTHER NEWS...

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes say they will soon release pictures of their daughter Suri. They just need to find that guy from Reuters to photoshop up some pictures from scratch.

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