NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com with not one but TWO jokes! (And yes, the first one is about Mel Gibson) Here's the link: Newsday

HUMOR BLOGGING THE WAR IN ISRAEL, Thursday August 3rd

Israeli warplanes have dropped leaflets over several neighborhoods in the Beirut area warning residents to leave "for your own safety." But if they leave, how will they ever get to cry on TV?

Hezbollah leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah went on TV today to tell the Israelis that his group will continue to launch rockets because Israel is attacking "our towns and villages"... which is a weird thing for him to say, because Israel hasn't attacked Iran.

Experts say Nasrallah's call for a cease fire is because Hezbollah needs time to re-arm, regroup, and rest up for some more interviews on the BBC.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad again called for the destruction of Israel Thursday, but short of that, he says there should be an immediate cease fire. U.N. leaders are welcoming Ahmadinejad's statements because he clearly has everyone's best interests in mind.

AND IN OTHER NEWS...

CBS News reporter Kimberly Dozier, who was seriously injured in a May 29 attack in Iraq, was released from the Hospital Thursday. But she'll probably have to be re-admitted when she learns that Katie Couric got the anchor job.

The heat wave continued in much of the U.S. Thursday with temperarures soaring into the upper 90's... but the humidity made it feel like you were a member of Hezbollah.

AND NOW...

I'd like to help Mel Gibson find out for sure if he is an Anti-Semite. So in the tradition of Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might be a Redneck if..." I now present,


You Might be an Anti-Semite if...

You loved Schindler's List, but hated Exodus

You think civilians killed in Lebanon are tragic victims but civilians killed in Israel had it coming

While on trial for hate crimes you seek out the best lawyers, then refuse to pay them... because they're Jews

You think the Jews control all the Banks and the Communist Party

You deny the Holocaust ever happened, but think Hitler really had a good reason to kill those Jews anyway

You think Seinfeld is too Jewish, but America's Most Wanted isn't Jewish enough

The only foreign words you know are "Seig Heil"

Even though oil companies, insurance companies, organized labor, and 12 other groups make more campaign donations, you believe the pro-Israel lobby is the most powerful in Washington

You think the New York Times is too pro-Israel and al Jazeera isn't anti-Israel enough

You think the United Nations is an effective and fair voice of morality

You think it's called "jewelry" because the "Jews have all the money"

Despite the fact that it's made Iran much stronger, you still think the U.S. invaded Iraq for Israel

You don't drink Budweiser because it "sounds Jewish"

You refer to the Evening News as the "Evening Jews"