Gibson's Request
Mel Gibson has admitted to making Anti-Semitic statements and has asked to meet with Jewish leaders with whom "I can have a one-on-one discussion to discern the appropriate path for healing." The trouble is if Gibson meets with Abe Foxman, he's only going to get worse.

Gibson Future
Mel Gibson's production company is scrambling to reshoot some key scenes in his upcoming film, Apocalypto. They're trying to change the part that shows the ancient Mayans getting pushed off their land by greedy Jewish real estate speculators.

Mel Gibson's Rehab Schedule, Tuesday August 1st

7:00AM Wake up to Wagner's Lohengrin

7:30AM 12-Goose Step program meeting

8:00AM Breakfast in the cafeteria. Eggs, bacon, orange juice, (NO BAGELS!)

9:00AM "Getting Over Your Grief" (Today's focus: Don't cry, the Holocaust never really happened anyway)

9:30AM Break

10:00AM Lecture: "Urine Testing and You," with Floyd Landis

10:30AM Group Therapy: Brainstorm with others on how to avoid Jews

11:00AM Telephone Time: Talk to your agent about all the movie deals you've just lost

11:30AM Sober Fun: Act out selections from Mein Kampf!

Noon Fitness: Get on the treadmill and pretend you're running away from a Jew

1:00PM Lunch. Roast ham, kosher wine (don't worry, the f**king Jews water down all their booze)

2:00PM Comedy Time! Schindler's List is playing in the common room

4:30PM Family Visitation: Proudly introduce your dad to everyone!

5:30PM Stress Management: Danny Glover's "I'm too old for this Sh*t" calming method

6:00PM: Dinner Lecture, "Setting Healthy Boundaries: Where to Find Restricted Communities in America."

7:00PM: Free time.

9:00PM: Lights out.

Mel's Signs
In an eerie omen, Mel Gibson woke up to find a huge swastika etched into the wheat field in his backyard this morning.