Agassi Loses
Andre Agassi lost his 3rd round match at the U.S. Open Sunday. The loss means Agassi will almost surely retire, and all the crying he did after the match means he is almost surely gay.

European Moon Mission
Europe's first spacecraft to the moon ended its three-year mission Sunday by crashing into the lunar surface as technicians applauded emotionally at mission control in Germany. That figures; the Europeans have been celebrating failures for more than 60 years now.

Florida Sperm Mishap
Thousands of sperm samples, some stored by men who feared they could become impotent, were accidentally destroyed in a refrigeration tank at the University of Florida this weekend. Now if we could just stop every other man from Florida from reproducing, we'd really be in business!

Florida Sperm Mishap II
Thousands of sperm samples, some stored by men who feared they could become impotent, were accidentally destroyed in a refrigeration tank at the University of Florida this weekend. Luckily, they were all insured, so each man will be getting sperm of equal or better value in the mail sometime this week.

Pets Killed
Three people and a dog and a cat were shot to death this weekend in a shooting attack in Newark, New Jersey. Apparently, the killers were after those cool leather Hartz 2-in-one collars that all the street pets are wearing these days.

Medicare Chief Quitting
Medicare and Medicaid chief Dr. Mark McClellan reportedly intends to resign. If there’s any justice in this world, he’ll be forced to fill out six days worth of paperwork before he’s allowed to leave.

Medicare Chief Quitting II
Medicare and Medicaid chief Dr. Mark McClellan reportedly intends to resign. I wonder if it’s easier to find a bureaucrat to accept his resignation than it is to find a doctor who accepts medicare.

Medicare Chief Quitting III
Medicare and Medicaid chief Dr. Mark McClellan reportedly intends to resign. McClellan had to quit, because after two years of trying, even he can't figure out Medicare Part D.