Hussein Shocker
The good news for Saddam Hussein is that a witness in his genocide trial claimed that some people allegedly massacred on his orders are alive. The bad news is they were found working at a WMD factory.

New Treasury Secretary
President Bush nominated Goldman Sachs CEO Henry Paulson to be the new Treasury secretary on Tuesday. Of course, the president's first choice was Ken Lay.

New Treasury Secretary II
President Bush nominated Goldman Sachs CEO Henry Paulson to be the new Treasury secretary on Tuesday. In true Goldman Sachs tradition, Paulson immediately began working on a leveraged buyout of al Qaeda.

Hoffa Dig Over
After 12 days of digging the FBI has called off the search for Jimmy Hoffa at a farm north of Detroit. But they did unearth 6 new suspects in the Natalee Holloway case.

Jacko Emotional
Michael Jackson cried while accepting an award on Japanese TV this week... at least we think he cried; his eyes stopped being able to produce tears 5 surgeries ago.

Jacko Emotional II
Michael Jackson cried while accepting an award on Japanese TV this week. That was a switch; usually Michael Jackson isn't the one who's touched.

School Bus Study
A new study shows that school buses expose kids to dangerous pollution... but most of the pollution comes from the kids inside the school bus.

Shiloh Latest
Reports from Africa say Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's new daughter Shiloh is very beautiful... which means she has about 10 years to go before her mom starts stealing her boyfriends.

Afghan Riot
A bloody riot ensued after a U.S. military convey got into a deadly accident in Afghanistan today... not because of any anti-Americanism, it's just that the soldiers left without providing their insurance information.

Traffic Stats
Police say drinking and driving incidents were down this Memorial Day weekend. Of course they were; who can afford to buy booze AND gas?

Traffic Stats II
Police say drinking and driving incidents were down this Memorial Day weekend. That's because most Americans were forced to pour their booze in the gas tank.

Bush on Arlington
During Memorial Day services, President Bush referred to Arlington National cemetery as the "place where valor sleeps." That's opposed to the White House, which is the place where valor takes a vacation.

Patience Survey
A new survey shows most Americans can endure no more than 5 minutes on hold on the phone... 2 minutes if the hold music is a Madonna song.

Brangelina Baby
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have had a baby girl. Pictures of the baby are not available, but the afterbirth will be featured in this week's National Enquirer.

Baby Name
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have named their baby girl "Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt." They decided to give her an exotic name, because otherwise she'll just be another face in the crowd her whole life.

Colombia's Elections
Law-and-order President Alvaro Uribe was re-elected in a landslide Sunday in Colombia's national elections. Perhaps now the bandits and murderers in Colombia will learn to let the drug kingpins work in peace.

Memorial Day Remembrance
Monday is Memorial Day, when millions of Americans remember soldiers killed in battle and President Bush tries to remember where the Hell he was from 1968 to 1975.

Snow to Go?
Treasury Secretary John Snow is reportedly being forced out for insulting the radical religious wing of the Republican party. He offended their devout beliefs when he said he didn't think the latest Bush tax cuts were a wise move.

Minutemen Fence
Volunteers gathered at a border ranch Saturday to help the "Minutemen" civilian border-patrol build a security fence. The White House is delighted by this development; if Americans can build their own security fence, they can provide for their own healthcare, education, and police as well!

Bush Steps In
President Bush has ordered that documents seized in an FBI raid on Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson's office be sealed for 45 days. The White House is assuming that by then, the FBI will finally be finished digging up Jimmy Hoffa.

Immigration Vote
Senate conservatives are furious over the passage of a bill calling for more relaxed rules on illegal immigration. The Republicans big question is: if we can't keep out the illegal immigrants, how will we keep out the gay immigrants?

Top 5 Signs the Enron Guys Won't Win on Appeal

5) Even the ACLU thinks they got a fair trial

4) Nancy Grace is going to take a break from Natalee Holloway to complain about them for the next 8 weeks straight

3) The appeals court judge still has 100,000 shares of Enron... worth 30 cents total

2) Rumor has it Lay and Skilling played lacrosse at Duke

1) They're out of money

HEY! I'M IN THE FUNNY PAPERS!!

The long-promised comic strip I've created with brilliant illustrator Michael Ciccotello is now online here: Schmooze or Lose

This strip chronicles the misadventures of Hollywood movie studio chief Barry Bergenberg. Our own site, www.schmoozeorlose.com, will be up in a few days with more background on the strip, characters, and more!

Enjoy!

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

Enron Convictions
Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling have been found guilty on most charges in the Enron case. Surely, no one in corporate America will ever cheat or steal again.

Enron Convictions II
Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling have been found guilty on most charges in the Enron case. That means President Bush has just 2 1/2 years left in his term to pardon them.

Enron Sentencing
The judge in the case now has two sentencing choices for Lay and Skilling; send them to prison for 45 years, or send them to a room full of former Enron shareholders for 5 minutes.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com. Here's the link: Newsday

Withdrawal Timetable
The White House says it's "premature" to talk about troop withdrawals from Iraq. That's because the Bush administration can't afford 250,000 troops coming back home and finding out how screwed up the country is right now.

Olmert in the U.S.
Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert addressed a joint session of Congress Wednesday, promising to always help America's war on terror. But what the Congressmen and Senators were really hoping for was a promise that Israel would offer them a place to hide the bribery cash they usually keep in the freezer.

Congressional Protests
Despite mountains of evidence against him, members of Congress on both sides of the aisle are still protesting the FBI's decision to raid Congressman William Jefferson's office. The elected officials rightly point out that if they're going to be subject to investigations, this could lead to them having to actually follow the law too.

Geography Bee Winner
12-year-old immigrant Bonny Jain won the 2006 National Geographic Bee Wednesday when he correctly identified the Cambrian Mountains in Wales. And in a special competition for American-born students only, the winner was 18-year-old Frank Derby, who was the only contestant who could find California on a map.

Geography Bee Winner
12-year-old Bonny Jain won the 2006 National Geographic Bee in Washington Wednesday when he correctly identified the Cambrian Mountains in Wales. President Bush wanted to congratulate Jain personally, but he couldn't find the contest hall on the street map.

Mets Trade
The New York Mets have traded reliever Jorge Julio to the Arizona Diamondbacks for Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez... which is kind of like getting a new Rolls Royce for a 1978 Chevette.

The Sports Gal's Wicked World of Revenge

(Parody by Jake Novak)


After seeing my husband ruin too many days, nights, weekends, vacations, anniversaries and every other important moment of an adult woman's life with his ridiculous obsession with sports, fantasy leagues, gambling, and archaic moments in 1980's teen movies, I've decided to leave the Sports Guy.

But a simple divorce, wherein I and the Sports Kid leave him to spend even MORE time with his idiotic buddies, is hardly a punishment. So I'll need to bundle the breakup with an ultimate act of revenge. I'm going to have to have several affairs that will leave the Sports Guy in perpetual pain, embarrassment and sadness. And of course, I will be taping over each and every one of his favorite TiVo moments with video evidence of each and every one of these affairs with all the sordid sexual acts in close-up. I'll also have to have a hidden camera in the house so I can see the look on his face as he watches all of the sexual acts as he hopes against hope that at least one of his "lifetime TiVo saves" hasn't been lost forever. The look on his face will definitely be a million times better than the way the detective looked at the end of "The Usual Suspects" when realizes he just let Keyser Soze out the door.

The Sports Guy says he hates "top 10s," so of course, below is the list of the top 10 affairs I plan to have to leave Bill in tatters.


10. Mark Cuban

The Sports Guy is obsessed with this overgrown tween idiot. But the best part would be imagining Bill's reaction when Cuban stops during the act a million times to flail around and complain about how "I'm not doing him right." Then it'll only get worse as I apologize each time and keep trying to change things around to please him. That's utter hilarity right there.

I know Cuban is a billionaire, but someone tell me if this guy gets women and if so, how? Guys who look like him usually only have a chance with women if it turns out they're really the emotionally giving, sweet, wise-beyond-their-years types like the "Shermanator" pretended to be in "American Pie." But Cuban is so obviously unhinged, there's no way a woman could have sex with him and not be afraid of getting stabbed once she fell off to sleep. This sexual encounter would be higher on the list if it weren't for the fear factor on my part.

9. Dale Sveum

We do it in the 3rd base coach's box at Fenway while he circles his right arm wildly the entire time. I finish the whole tumble with a loud, "Ooh Dale you're bringing me home, baby!", shout that shatters the Citgo sign.

Oh yeah, and leave it to a bunch of lame sports fans to make sure a sign for a friggin' bankrupt GAS STATION chain gets landmark status because it happened to be visible for years behind an outfield wall. Why don't they make it a law that the puke fans spewed on the street outside Fenway after horrific Sox losses has to be laminated and sent to Cooperstown? God, what a bunch of losers.

8. Michael Keaton, (post Batman)

It's bad enough I have to hear Bill obsess about obscure jocks most of the time, but when he goes on and on about faded movie stars it really gets to be too much. Michael Keaton is one of the thorns that he just can't pick out of his side. I want the Sports Guy to cringe as I straddle the scruffy, overweight Michael Keaton circa 2001. And in the throws of passion, I yell something about how much I loved "First Daughter."

7. Rebecca Lobo

I'm a little ambivalent about this one, because most guys love watching lesbian sex. But I figure sleeping with one of the tallest, scariest, and ridiculously bad-toothed WNBA players of all time would be sweet based on how much Bill has dogged the league all these years. But I'm still not sure this would hurt him more than actually making him watch an entire WNBA game.

6. Pedro Martinez

Another one of those guys Bill has been ambivalent about over the years. The kicker on this one is I let Pedro do me for hours on end and every time Grady Lidle tries to take Pedro out of the bedroom, I yell for him to let Pedro stay just a little longer. Of course, Pedro does eventually tire out and gets relieved by an ineffective Tim Wakefield.

5. Larry Bird

Hear me out on this one. I know Bill loves Larry Legend, but it hurts the most when you're betrayed by one of your idols. Of course, I have to do Larry in his mustachioed, long haired, big-butted look circa 1982. He totally looked like the one guy in the 70's porn movie that didn't get any. Just to bring up more bad memories, the whole scene would get punctuated by Larry taking breaks to ease his aching back by lying on his belly on the floor by our bed for several minutes at a time.

4. David Ortiz

I have to do something to at least take some of the sweetness out of the 2004 World Series win. Yelling out "Ooh Big Papi!!!" 100 or so times would be a must, but I would also have to say things like: "What are all those syringes in bag for?" and "You sure have a lot of track marks on your ass." Then he'd have to hem and haw, but eventually admit he's on the juice and always has been. Nothing like the steroid bugaboo to throw doubt over everything.


3. All of Bill's lame friends, including Jimmy Kimmel

I can't let the Sports Guy even come close to trying to get consoled by his stupid friends after I'm gone. I want it to be so awkward that he never even mentions them again, let alone hangs out with them. Just to make it even more uncomfortable, Hench will accidentally call out Bill's name while he's doing me. The ultimate double embarrassment.

2. The '86 Mets

Letting Keith Hernandez do me while he calmly moans, "I'm Keith Hernandez, is a no-brainer, but what about screwing Sid Fernandez, who's gotta be well over 400 pounds by now, and STILL letting him be on top? The Strawberry-Gooden double-team is another obvious one, but imagine the Sports Guy's face when I soul kiss Lenny Dykstra while he still has a mouth full of chaw! And of course, I still let Buckner have a guest spot and do me for sloppy seconds, or thirty-seconds, or whatever we're up to at that point.

By the way, what's the deal with guys being into seeing women have sex with multiple partners, but never actually wanting to be in a Male-Male-Female threesome themselves? I mean, I understand guys not wanting to see guy-on-guy sex because they don't want to participate, so why do they WANT to see guy-guy-girl sex? It's pretty much a complete mystery, like how "7th Heaven" stayed on TV for 10 years.

Actually, having sex with this entire team really has to be thought out a little more. I should be at a bar with the whole team and calmly shoot down every one of their passes until I say it's time to go. But just before I get out the door to join a waiting Calvin Schiraldi, I let Gary Carter, Kevin Mitchell, and Ray Knight kiss me. Then the floodgates open when Mookie Wilson beats me to the door. THEN the whole team starts doing me before Buckner gets his cameo. So perfect.

1. Bucky Dent

With this one I can bring back the earliest pain. The first heartbreak is the worst because it sets the tone for the rest of your life. We'll have to resurrect the late Bill White to call the play-by-play as Mike Torrez brings Bucky to the bedroom and just sheepishly leaves him there. Guys like Dennis Leary and other Boston icons will have to be live witnesses as Bucky grabs a corked condom out of the night table drawer and makes quick work of me. I've got good odds in Vegas that the Sports Guy commits suicide after he sees this one.

No you can't die in peace Bill. Not ever.

Osama Clears Moussaoui
In his latest audiotape, Osama bin Laden insists that Zacarias Moussaoui had nothing to do with the September 11th attacks. The U.S. says it will be glad to give Moussaoui a new trial if bin Laden will agree to testify in person.

ABC Picks Charlie
ABC appointed Charles Gibson as the new anchor of "World News Tonight" Tuesday. We can expect Gibson to be dead, pregnant, or forced out by right wing bloggers within the next six months.

U.S. Supports Israel
President Bush said the U.S. would defend Israel if it is attacked by Iran. But if Israel gets hit with a massive hurricane, they're on their own.

U.S. Supports Israel II
President Bush said the U.S. would defend Israel if it is attacked by Iran... but we'd really appreciate it if Israel attacked Iran first.

Top 5 Ways U.S. will Aid Israel if Iran Attacks

5) Dick Cheney will volunteer to give Iranians marksmanship lessons

4) Free iTunes downloads (for a limited time)

3) President Bush will fool Iranians into giving up early by landing on one of their aircraft carriers to make a victory speech

2) Send Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a mirror

1) The Senate will ban gay marriage

Hamas Aid Blocked
The House voted 361-37 Tuesday to block any U.S. aid to Hamas. The vote would have been unanimous, but 37 congressmen thought it was a bill against humus.

Fox Visits U.S.
Mexican President Vicente Fox has began his latest visit to the U.S. Tuesday. Things started off poorly when two white men in a pickup tried to take Fox to work at a construction site as soon as he got off the plane.

Fox Visits Utah
Mexican President Vicente Fox began his U.S. tour in Utah. Fox's staff thought he could make the boldest statement of friendship for this country by visiting the one place in America even desperate illegal Mexican immigrants won't go.

Hastert Complains
House Speaker Dennis Hastert complained directly to President Bush about the FBI's unprecedented raid on Rep. William Jefferson's office. If the Bush administration wanted to invade Jefferson's privacy, Hastert just can't understand why it didn't illegally tap his phone like everyone else.

Philly Papers Sold
A private investor has bought both of the major Philadelphia daily newspapers for $562 million... which seems like a lot of money since no one else in Philadelphia has bought a newspaper in 13 years.

Hurricane Thoughts

I've been wondering. Why do we ruin the names of thousands of good men and women by naming horrific killer hurricanes after them? I mean there are probably a lot of nice Katrinas, Wilmas, and Camilles out there. Why can't we use the names that have already been ruined? I say we name the next few storms "Hurricane Adolf," "Hurricane Osama" and "Hurricane O.J."

Who's with me?

Barbosa's Battle
Kentucky Derby winner Barbosa is fighting for his life after fracturing his leg at the Preakness Stakes. The incident has left millions of Americans wondering why we can't shoot President Bush the next time he falls off his bike.

Bush on Gore's Film
President Bush says he doubts he'll see Al Gore's new movie about global warming. That's because seeing the film takes time away from building his weatherproof underground bunker.

Rough Weather Ahead
Weather experts predict there will be 16 named hurricanes this season. That exciting announcement was the centerpiece at the annual "upfront" advertising presentations for the cable news channels.

Top 5 Names for Hurricanes this Coming Year

5) "Anderson"

4) "Greta"

3) "Geraldo"

2) "Olberman"

1) "Brownie"

Veterans' Data
The personal electronic data on up to 26.5 million military veterans has been stolen. Experts don't expect anything to be done about it since no one serving in the Bush administration has anything to worry about.

Da Vinci Code Numbers
Despite being condemned by the Church, "The Da Vinci Code" raked in an impressive $77 million at the box office this weekend. Most Americans say they saw the movie to avoid going to church.

Cold Cash
Democratic Congressman William Jefferson is under investigation after FBI agents found $90,000 in cash in his refrigerator. But Jefferson has won several Republican supporters after he explained he was keeping his money there to avoid paying taxes.

Da Vinci Code Panned
Film reviewers are panning the film version of "The Da Vinci Code." Critics cite the movie's length, confusing plot, and the fact that a scary albino monk threatened to kill them if they wrote a good review.

Senate on English
The U.S. Senate voted to make English the official national language Thursday. It's not exactly an impeachment of President Bush, but it's darn close.

Dear Benedict
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has now sent a letter to Pope Benedict XVI. Apparently the letter is full of advice on how the Pope should call for the death of the guy who wrote "The Da Vinci Code."

Gay Marriage Fight
After a Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage, Democratic Senator Russ Feingold, who opposed the amendment, lectured Republican Chairman Arlen Specter on the constitution, to which Specter said, "I don't need to be lectured by you. You are no more a protector of the Constitution than I am... but you are devastatingly attractive."

New Clinton Book
Bill Clinton announced on Wednesday that he has signed a deal for another book, this one about public service. Of course, he'll have to do some public service before he can start writing about it.

Spade-Locklear Breakup
Heather Locklear has split up with David Spade. Locklear just got tired of explaining to people why she was dating David Spade.

Top 10 Things Overheard on the Set of "Pride and Prejudice"

10) "Keep away from Donald Sutherland's trailer after sundown... really."

9) "I need more frilly lace!"

8) "No Matthew, I don't think Mr. Darcy would steal the show in the dance scene by doing the 'funky robot.'"

7) "Is this the prequel to 'Seven Brides for Seven Brothers'?"

6) "I thought I told the makeup people to cover up all the actors' tattoos!"

5) "This reminds me of the last season of 'Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?"

4) "What's my motivation for liking Mr. Wickham? I mean he doesn't even have a pimped-out horse and carriage."

3) "Why didn't they just go on J-Date?"

2) "Why does Lydia fall for military guys? Didn't they have the New York Times back then?"

1) "This movie has convinced me; even though I'm already a studio chief, I think I should read my first book."

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com. Here's the link: Newsday

Looking for Hoffa
FBI agents are digging at a Michigan horse farm, looking for the remains of former Teamsters union leader Jimmy Hoffa. Now that the NSA is doing all the wire-tapping in this country, the FBI has plenty of time to catch up on old cases.

Looking for Hoffa II
FBI agents are digging at a Michigan horse farm, looking for the remains of former Teamsters union leader Jimmy Hoffa. It's hard to say what's been missing in Michigan longer, Hoffa's body or the auto industry's profits.

McCartney Separation
Paul McCartney and wife Heather Mills are blaming the media for their separation; Beatle fans are blaming Yoko Ono.

McCartney Separation II
Paul McCartney and wife Heather Mills are blaming the media for their separation. Apparently the tabloids weren't paying enough attention to them.

Condi Adviser
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says she will name a senior adviser on anti-Semitism soon. The front-runners are David Duke and Pat Buchanan.

Gonzales History
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales admitted on Tuesday that it is "just not clear" if his Mexican-immigrant grandparents settled in the US legally... but he's having their phones tapped to find out for sure.

Texas Speed Limit
Texas is close to raising the speed limit on two of its interstate highways to 80 MPH. People in Texas are in favor of anything that speeds up their efforts to get out of Texas.

Governors Defiant
Many U.S. governors are unwilling to volunteer National Guard troops to assist with President Bush's plan to fortify the US-Mexico border... especially the governor of Louisiana, who's been waiting for the National Guard to show up since Hurricane Katrina.

Rumsfeld Assurance
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld assured members of Congress on Wednesday that using thousands of National Guard troops to help secure the U.S. border with Mexico won't distract them from their overall duty to die in Iraq.

European Offer
Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has rejected a possible European offer of a light-water nuclear reactor, in return for giving up uranium-enrichment programs saying, "Do you think you are dealing with a 4 year-old child to whom you can give some walnuts and chocolates and get gold from him?" But that didn't stop Ahmadinejad from begging the Europeans for some walnuts and chocolates.

Verizon Denial
Verizon is denying it gave the government the call records for all of its customers. It insists it only violated the privacy of the customers who were late with their bills.

Guard Numbers
During his address on illegal immigration Monday night, President Bush said, "It is important for Americans to know that we have enough Guard forces to win the war on terror, respond to natural disasters, and help secure the border." But it would be even more important if President Bush would say something that was true.

Speech Goof
CNN mistakenly took the President live in the Oval Office while he was still rehearsing his immigration speech Monday night. Actually, it's impossible not to make that mistake since Bush is still rehearsing to be President.

Top 5 Signs President Bush's Immigration Speech Didn't Win Anyone Over

5) Karl Rove is telling everyone how great a speech it was

4) Millions of illegal aliens just registered Democrat

3) That vein in Lou Dobbs neck is still bulging

2) National Guard troops are now volunteering to go to Iraq

1) Who cares what he says? Gas prices are still over $3!

Wi-Fi Central Park
New York City says Central Park will have wireless internet access by the end of July. That's nice, but maybe they should have a few clean bathrooms first.

Britney Leaves Kabbalah
Britney Spears posted a message on her website this week saying that she is no longer studying Kabbalah. Well, that just ruined the curve for the rest of her class.

Bush Gifts
Among the gifts President Bush received last year were an iPod from Bono, a $5,000 bicycle and custom poker chips. But he broke the iPod after falling off the bicycle on his way to playing poker with Bill Bennett.

Girls and Math
U.S. Education Secretary Margaret Spellings is launching a study to learn why girls are not pursuing careers in math and science. She also announced that she's going to hire "some geeky guy from MIT" to help her plow through the data.

Bush and Cheney Wealth
According to tax forms, President and Mrs. Bush have assets totaling about $20 million and Vice President and Mrs. Cheney have $94 million... which is a good thing because it's always embarrassing to have more money than your boss.

Bush and Cheney Wealth II
According to tax forms President and Mrs. Bush have assets totaling about $20 million and Vice President and Mrs. Cheney have $94 million. Well, at least we know that it really does pay to be a lying scumbag.

Medical Prodigy
A 6 year-old boy in Mexico is fighting to get into an American medical school, after studying on his own and becoming an expert on osteoporosis, diabetes and anemia. But America is only interested in him if he knows how to wash dishes and work for $1.50 an hour.

Bush Immigration Plan
President Bush is announcing plans to send National Guard troops to bolster the border with Mexico... well, the three National Guard troops who haven't been killed or wounded in Iraq.

Bush Immigration Plan II
President Bush is announcing plans to send National Guard troops to bolster the border with Mexico. In that case, why can't we get National Guard troops to protect New York from people from New Jersey?

Top 5 Key Parts of President Bush's New Immigration Plan

5) All amnesty plans get thrown out the window if Jenna or Barbara ever date a Mexican

4) All "Tex-Mex" restaurants must now get documentation or risk becoming exclusively "Tex"

3) Illegals who look like they know something about ranching will be redirected to Crawford until further notice

2) Troops along the border have standing orders to shoot all illegals who look like they might vote Democrat

1) New fence will have a hole just large enough for him and Cheney to use when they both get indicted

Fox Objects
Mexican President Vicente Fox says he's worried about the plan to send National Guard troops to the border. He's afraid they might intimidate his country's most important drug dealers.

Bush Promise
President Bush has assured Mexican President Vincente Fox that the National Guard presence on the border would not be permanent... it's just until after the mid-term elections.

Why They Come
President Bush said he understood why people want to come to America, calling it the "great hope,"... which it is, you know when he's not president.

Laura on Gay Marriage
First Lady Laura Bush is advising Republicans not to use banning gay marriage as an election issue this fall. She says it would be divisive, hurtful, and totally copying her husband's idea from two years ago.

Libya Deal
The U.S. has reestablished diplomatic relations with Libya. President Bush can't wait to get Muamar Ghadaffi's thoughts on phone-tapping and imprisonment without trial.

After-Prom Party
Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue hosted an after-prom party at the governor's mansion this weekend in an effort to keep students from drinking on prom night and to help his aides get dates with 17-year-olds.

Tony Snow's Replacement

It suddenly occurs to me that Bush really blew it with Tony Snow. If he really wanted a spokesperson to turn the tide in his favor, he should have gone with an openly gay man.

Hear me out... just read the hypothetical exchanges with the spokesman "Mike" and the press below:

CNN CORRESPONDENT: Hey Mike what about those domestic phone taps?

MIKE: Oh, please honey, you don't even wanna know what these sickos say all the time. It's a lot worse than a bad episode of Melrose Place. It's really scary. Believe me, we need to leave this terror-hunting to the professionals.

NY TIMES GUY: What do you think about the weak Economic reports?

MIKE: "Oh please. Look, I just got these shoes for half price at a cute little shop in Adams Morgan. And I shouldn't have to even tell you how much the iPod craze is booming. I've got all of Judy and Barbara stored on mine right now!

AP REPORTER: What about the ban on Gay Marriage?

MIKE: "HA!... I should be so lucky. I haven't dated a marriage-worthy guy since the first Bush administration... and you know he was deeper in the closet than my last pair of plaid pants. W's doing us all a favor honey.

WASH POST REPORTER: The war in Iraq is going poorly and...

MIKE: "Stop right there. Hey, the boys over there are doing their best. I mean how well would you do at your job if you had to wear the same drab khakis without a hint of color every day? See what I mean?


Now this would also work because everyone in the media would be afraid of looking like a gay-basher. I think the White House should really do this!

Mother's Day Goof
I was really nervous because I forgot to call my mom on Mother's Day. But luckily, my phone company has a special offer where I pay them $5 and they send my mom doctored government documents that say I did call.

Top 5 Signs Your Phone is Being Tapped

5) You keep hearing little clicks on the line every time you order take-out falafel

4) You're known to make outrageous statements in public like: "These gas prices are outrageous!"

3) The cops just happen to search your house every time you watch a Sean Penn movie on cable

2) Your monthly phone bill has a mysterious new "government reporting fee" for $3.99

1) You're an American not currently working in the Bush administration

White House Mother's Day
It was a touching Mother's Day at the White House. President Bush gave his mom a call on the only phone in America that actually isn't tapped.

Cheney Mother's Day
To honor his wife on Mother's Day, Vice President Cheney gave her the most meaningful gift he could: a bulletproof vest.

Busy Day
As usual, Mother's Day is the busiest day for America's phone companies... well, it's the second busiest next to the day when they have to turn all of our call records over to the government.

Busy Signals
Millions of Americans were unsuccessful in their attempts to get through to their moms on this Mother's Day. That's because every elderly woman in America was calling the government with questions about Medicare Part D.

Indonesia Volcano
Mount Merapi in Indonesia appears close to erupting, in what could be an extremely deadly situation. Luckily, the U.S. is offering to give everyone advance notice of the volcano's next move by tapping all its phones.

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!

I've just made a deal to run a comic strip I created in LA's one and only Jewish paper, The Jewish Journal of Los Angeles! It's all about the adventures of Hollywood Studio chief Barry Bergenberg. Please check this space over the next few days to find the comic strip's web site and other info.

NSA Phone Taping
A new report says all the major phone companies helped the National Security Agency spy on Americans, except Qwest Communications. And as any Qwest customer can tell you, that's only because Qwest is too inept to help anyone.

"Secrets" the NSA Has Learned from Domestic Phone Tapping

5) 90% of American women call their mothers after fighting with their husbands

4) Even suspected al Qaeda members don't answer the phone when "24" is on

3) 90% of American men call old girlfriends after fighting with their wives

2) President Bush never remembers to dial 9 when making an outside call

1) Verizon sucks

Anderson Cooper Ratings
Despite tremendous hype, Anderson Cooper's ratings are actually lower than the man he replaced, Aaron Brown. But that's mostly because there were at least 100,000 people tuning into Brown's show every night just to try to figure out what that was on his head.

Keith Released
Keith Richards left a New Zealand hospital today where he was treated for a 15-foot fall from a coconut tree. The hospital staff enjoyed meeting Richards, but they exhausted seven years worth of tranquilizers just to keep him mildly sedated.

New Kids TV
A newly-launched satellite TV station, BabyFirstTV, features programming aimed at children from 6 months to 3 years of age. The station's main competition is the FOX News Channel.

Gas Thief
Two St. Louis gas stations lost $10,000 in sales after a thief reprogrammed their pumps, allowing himself and hundreds of motorists to fill up their tanks for free. When the thief is caught, he's expected to be elected mayor of St. Louis.

Russian Population Crisis
Facing a population crisis, Russian President Vladimir Putin wants to offer subsidies to encourage women to have children. But if he really wants to fix the problem, Putin should offer Russian men subsidies to encourage them not to be such scumbags.

Midterm Election Poll
A new poll shows Democrats have a 14-point advantage over Republicans among registered voters. This is putting a huge amount of pressure on Democrats, who now only have six months to screw it up.

Britney's Baby
Britney Spears is pregnant with her second child... now she'll have a spare kid to use the next time she drops her first kid on his head.

Fatherhood Study
According to a new study, women can tell by looking at a man's face if he will make a good father and husband. If that's true, Britney Spears needs glasses.

Sirius Catholic
Sirius Satellite Radio is creating a new Catholic-themed station with the Archdiocese of New York. The station will be dedicated to condemning every other station on Sirius Satellite Radio.

Top 5 Programs on Sirius Catholic Radio

5) "Sister Mary Catherine's Morning Drive of Guilt"

4) "Brother Jonah's Hour of Silence"

3) "Yo! Catholic Radio Chants!"

2) "Howard Stern is Going to Hell"

1) "You're Going to Hell Too"

Kennedy Renominated
Democrats in Rhode Island have endorsed Representative Patrick Kennedy for re-election. His strongest support is coming from elderly voters, who figure if the whole medicare thing doesn't work out they can always borrow his drugs.

Hillary Fundraiser
FOX News owner Rupert Murdoch has agreed to give a fund-raiser for Senator Hillary Clinton. This way they both get what they want; Hillary gets cash, and Rupert makes sure his TV station has someone to bash for another 6 years.

Medicare Tour
President Bush is touring the country, urging seniors to sign up for the new Medicare drug plan. That's because over-medicated Americans have always been his top supporters.

Iran Letter Latest
It turns out the letter Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent to President Bush was 18 pages long. No wonder the White House rejected it; President Bush hasn't tried to read anything that long since college.

Blaine Stunt
David Blaine held his breath for seven minutes after a week in a watery cage in New York's Lincoln Center. New Yorkers weren't impressed because most of them have to hold their breath for a lot longer than seven minutes whenever they ride the subway.

Sex Survey
According to a new MSNBC sex survey, 67% of women say they almost always have orgasms.... and 100% of men say they really don't give a damn.

Sex Survey II
According to a new MSNBC survey, 80% of women are more likely than men to say what they want during sex... but men are 80% more likely to actually get what they want during sex.

Morning After Pill Campaign
A new ad campaign advising women to get advance prescriptions for the "morning-after pill" is titled "Accidents Happen." The poster features a baby picture of Gilbert Gottfried.

Anderson on 60 Minutes
Anderson Cooper has signed a deal to contribute as many as five reports a year to "60 Minutes." CBS admits he's a little young to be a 60 Minutes correspondent, but he does have the required number of gray hairs.

Top 5 Things Anderson Cooper Will Say on 60 Minutes

5) "If Morely Safer were 10 years younger..."

4) "Let's get high on whatever Mike Wallace has in his medicine cabinet."

3) "Does standing next to Leslie Stahl make me look fat?"

2) "Christianne Amanpour is so 1998."

1) "I'm totally stretching my 15 Minutes of fame to the max!"

Bush Approval
Despite his low approval numbers, the White House says President Bush will not let the polls influence his policies. That makes sense, he doesn't let the voters do that either.

Star on the Outs?
Insiders say ABC will ask Star Jones to leave "The View" within the next few days. Of course, most of Star Jones left the show after she got her stomach stapled.

Whoopi on the Radio
Whoopi Goldberg's new radio show, "Wake Up with Whoopi," will be aimed at female listeners... because there aren't any men alive who would want to wake up with Whoopi.

Letter to Bush
The good news is Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent President Bush a letter this weekend. The bad news is it was a chain letter.

America's Most Wanted
Newly-named "10 Most Wanted" fugitive Warren Jeffs is described as 6-feet four-inches tall and 155-pounds. The FBI is desperate to capture Jeffs and ask him: "How do you do it?"

United Recruitment Videos
United Airlines is now showing passengers a military recruitment video on many flights. It's a brilliant idea, since flying United is enough to make anyone want to learn how to kill people.

Top 5 Shocking Moments in the "7th Heaven" Series Finale

5) Camden family finally admits they're all Satanists

4) Entire episode actually just an ad for "What About Brian?" on ABC

3) Special guest star: Courtney Love

2) 20-minute incestuous orgy scene

1) The part when the WB proves that there is someone actually still watching this show

Foggo Leaves
Kyle "Dusty" Foggo is stepping down from the CIA amid allegations he cavorted with prostitutes provided by a defense contractor. Foggo denies the allegations, pointing out that if he wanted to associate with hookers he would have worked with Congress.

Kidman Loves Cruise
Actress Nicole Kidman says she still loves ex-husband Tom Cruise... and she always will as long as the checks keep clearing.

Darfur Riots
Angry mobs in Darfur have begun attacking UN interpreters and aid workers. Actually, they just want to punish whoever's responsible for tying their entire fate to George Clooney.

New CIA Chief
According to White House sources, President Bush will announce Monday that he's chosen Air Force Gen. Michael Hayden as the next CIA Director. Of course, Hayden's first job will be to fire whoever leaked the story that he was going to be named CIA Director.

Whale Comeback
Marine biologists say the world's whale population is on the rise. But it's not clear if that's due to conservationists or the Bush administration's "abstinence only" sex-ed for whales policy.

Jackson Angry
Michael Jackson is threatening to sue GQ magazine for publishing pictures of a Michael Jackson look-alike in order to humiliate him. GQ's editors are responding by noting that if they really wanted to humiliate him, they could have published real pictures of Michael Jackson.

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Kennedy Rehab
After his car accident Thursday, Congressman Patrick Kennedy is going into rehab at the Mayo Clinic. The first thing the doctors will do is advise Kennedy to stay far away from his parents at all times.

Kennedy Rehab II
News of Patrick Kennedy's prescription drug addiction is actually most painful for Rush Limbaugh. Because of his own prescription drug addiction, Rush won't be able to make fun of a Kennedy in trouble for the first time in his career.

Goss Goes
CIA Director Porter Goss is resigning. Goss is now looking forward to spending his time heckling Donald Rumsfeld at public events.

Goss Goes II
CIA Director Porter Goss is resigning. Goss drew the ire of right wing Republicans because his agency never did find out who killed Jesus.

Goss Goes III
CIA Director Porter Goss is resigning. President Bush is pushing him out for failing to give him advance warnings about Stephen Colbert.

Goss Goes IV
CIA Director Porter Goss is resigning and leaving Washington. Goss says he just doesn't feel safe living in the area with people like Patrick Kennedy on the streets.

14 pound Newborn
A California woman has given birth to a premature 14-pound baby girl. Doctors say they induced early labor so the girl could make the audition for Star Jones' spot on "The View."

Kennedy Accident
Congressman Patrick Kennedy says he "consumed no alcohol" before he got into a car accident early Thursday morning. That may get him off the hook with the cops, but his lack of drinking has made his father Ted very disappointed in him.

Kennedy Accident II
Congressman Patrick Kennedy got into a car accident early Thursday morning, but no sobriety test was given. To avoid spending taxpayer money on foregone conclusions, sobriety tests on all Kennedys have been barred since 1969.

Rumsfeld Heckled
Hecklers interrupted another speech given by Donald Rumsfeld Thursday. Actually, this time they were his supporters; they were trying to keep him from saying something stupid in public again.

Bird Flu Warning
The White House says if a deadly avian flu outbreak hits the U.S., local communities should not look to the federal government for aid. That's because all the key government decision-makers will be crowding into Dick Cheney's bunker.

Triplets Times Two
A New Jersey couple has given birth to a second set of triplets. The really amazing thing about this is that after having the first set of triplets, the parents were still willing to have sex.

Chinese Bishops
Pope Benedict XVI is strongly rebuking the Chinese Catholic church for consecrating two bishops without Vatican approval. This Chinese piracy is getting out of hand.

WEB ALERT!!! I'm the featured guest on a short comedy news program called "The Ointment" which is posted on the HuffingtonPost today. To see the video you either need the latest version of Quicktime, or you should download it via the iTunes on your computer if you have it. Here's the link: The Ointment

Moussaoui Sentence
A federal jury sentenced 9/11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui to life in prison Wednesday. The punishment is worse than it sounds because every day, Moussaoui will also be forced to watch tapes of his trial coverage on CNN and FOX News.

Gas Price Prediction
Energy experts warn that gas could cost $5 a gallon by this winter. So, this would be a good time to start collecting each of those 36 credit card offers you get in the mail each week.

Bush on Spanish
President Bush said last week that the National Anthem should only be sung in English, but I guess he forgot that a Spanish version of the Star-Spangled Banner was performed at several Bush campaign events in 2000. Of course, he's forgotten everything he promised during that campaign too.

Top 5 Bush Administration Bird Flu Prevention Strategies

5) Accuse all birds of having WMD's, then bomb Turkey

4) Put FEMA in charge of feeding the nations chickens; that'll kill them off real fast

3) Call in the nation's foremost military expert when it comes to bird illness: Colonel Sanders

2) Force McDonald's to start making a tuna McNugget

1) Don't worry, Americans will be too steamed about $5 a gallon gas to notice they're dying

United 93 Donations
The makers of the movie "United 93," will donate $1.15 million this week toward a memorial to the passengers and crew of United flight 93. They'll also donate the same amount to everyone who saw "RV" this weekend instead.

American Idol Votes
According to a new survey, one in three Americans believes that a vote sent in to American Idol means at least as much as voting for president. Actually, it means more, because American Idol votes are actually counted.

Drinks in School
Thanks to anti-obesity advocates, students in the nation's public schools will no longer be able to buy non-diet sodas in school vending machines. The vending companies will fill those slots with bullets.

Strange Judge
A judge in the Philppines claims he can see the future and admits to consulting imaginary mystic dwarfs... but Americans just want to know where he stands on abortion.

New Orleans Plans
The city of New Orleans unveiled its new disaster preparedness plan today. The measure lists the names of each of the politicians and federal agencies victims should be ready to blame when they get screwed in the next hurricane.

Top 5 New Orleans Hurricane Evacuation Recommendations

5) For the quickest evacuation, carpool with the 3 other people who still live in New Orleans

4) Go wherever President Bush is; you know he's going to be as far from the storm as possible

3) While getting out, make sure you avoid getting trampled by Anderson Cooper and the rest of the media rushing in

2) To collect the most disaster aid, pretend you're a member of the New Orleans Saints

1) Call Mayor Nagin; tell him the chocolate city is melting

Abramoff Records
A federal judge has ordered the release of all records of disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff's visits to the Oval Office. This could be an embarrassment for the White House... because they'll show that President Bush was never in the Oval Office.

Bad Geography
A new study shows Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 have poor geography skills, with nearly one-third unable to locate Louisiana, and 60% unable to find Iraq.... oh no wait, those were the test results from the employees in the Bush administration.

Book Deal Dead
Admitted plagiarist Kaavya Viswanathan's book deal has finally been canceled by her publisher. While her dreams of becoming a novelist seem dead, she can look forward to a long career at the New York Times.

Strange Marriage
A 33-year-old man in northern Malaysia has married a 104-year-old woman. Either that guy's crazy, or he has a major addiction to prescription drugs.

Condom Ban Reconsidered
The Vatican is considering allowing the use of condoms in the wake of the AIDS epidemic... and because the Catholic Church has always supported anything that makes sex less enjoyable.

Immigrant Protests
Thousands of illegal immigrants across the country took part in demonstrations Monday to show the country what a day without any immigrants working would be like. Apparently it's just like everyday in the Bush administration.

Immigrant Protests II
Thousands of illegal immigrants across the country boycotted work Monday to show the country what a day without immigrants would be like. Instead, most of them spent the day in line at the welfare office.

Top 5 Results of Monday's "Day Without Immigrants"

5) Charo now leads Arnold Schwarzenegger in most public opinion polls

4) No Major League team could find a decent utility infielder

3) Lou Dobbs got very, very tired

2) The Spanish-speaking Muppets on Sesame Street got deported

1) Members of Congress rushed back to work to pass comprehensive immigration legislation... just kidding!

Box Office Results
The #1 movie at the box office this weekend was "RV," starring Robin Williams, followed by "United 93." Of course, everyone who saw "RV" would have been better off if they had been passengers on United 93.

Mexican Drug Laws
Mexico has passed a new law legalizing possession of small quantities of heroin, marijuana, and cocaine. After hearing the news, millions of illegal immigrants started returning to Mexico.

Anna Nicole Ruling
The Supreme Court ruled Monday that Anna Nicole Smith can sue to get part of her late husband's $1.6 billion estate. Mostly because Clarence Thomas wants to see what she'll wear to all those new court hearings.

Limbaugh Deal
As part of his prescription drug fraud plea agreement, Rush Limbaugh must take random urine tests for the next 18 months. That shouldn't be too inconvenient for Limbaugh, he leaves random fecal samples on the airwaves every day.

Rosie on the View
Rosie O'Donnell will replace Meredith Viera on the View in September. She's being given a lucrative deal that includes a $2 million salary and all the food Star Jones used to eat.

Harvard Plagiarism
Harvard sophomore Kaavya Viswanathan's plagiarized novel has been pulled from store shelves. Now that she's been exposed as a fraud, Viswanathan has been expelled from the college and made a full professor in Harvard's Middle Eastern Studies Department.

Top 5 Other Suspicious Books by Kaavya Viswanathan

5) Nancy Drew and the Stolen SAT

4) Two Million Little Pieces

3) Harry Potter and the Half-Baked Manuscript

2) The Hindi Goddess of Sweet Valley High

1) Plagiarising for Dummies

Richards Hurt
Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is being treated for a mild concussion after falling out of a palm tree in Fiji. Apparently, Richards mistook the tree for a tremendous joint.

Richards Hurt II
Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is being treated for a mild concussion after falling out of a palm tree in Fiji. Doctors say it'll take a few months to tell if Richards has suffered any permanent damage because they have to wait for him to sober up first.

Darfur Rally
Thousands of people joined Hollywood celebrities at a rally Sunday urging the Bush administration to help end genocide in Darfur. Most of the same demonstrators are expected to return to Washington to protest against the Bush administration when it decides to attack Darfur.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Rally for Darfur

5) "If there's one thing that scares people who rape and kill children; it's a big rally"

4) "There must be 100,000 people here... I guess George Clooney brought all his girlfriends"

3) "I thought this was the rally against the oil companies"

2) "Be careful not to blame the actual murderers; we don't want to be accused of being anti-Arab"

1) "Nobody move, I lost my contact lens!"

FEMA Defended
The White House is resisting calls from the Senate to shutdown FEMA. The Bush administration needs to keep every institution around that makes it look good by comparison.

Bush Makes Jokes
President Bush poked fun at Vice President Cheney at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner Saturday night. As a result, President Bush is expected to be forced to resign by the end of this week.