Monday, May 15, 2006

Bush Immigration Plan
President Bush is announcing plans to send National Guard troops to bolster the border with Mexico... well, the three National Guard troops who haven't been killed or wounded in Iraq.

Bush Immigration Plan II
President Bush is announcing plans to send National Guard troops to bolster the border with Mexico. In that case, why can't we get National Guard troops to protect New York from people from New Jersey?

Top 5 Key Parts of President Bush's New Immigration Plan

5) All amnesty plans get thrown out the window if Jenna or Barbara ever date a Mexican

4) All "Tex-Mex" restaurants must now get documentation or risk becoming exclusively "Tex"

3) Illegals who look like they know something about ranching will be redirected to Crawford until further notice

2) Troops along the border have standing orders to shoot all illegals who look like they might vote Democrat

1) New fence will have a hole just large enough for him and Cheney to use when they both get indicted

Fox Objects
Mexican President Vicente Fox says he's worried about the plan to send National Guard troops to the border. He's afraid they might intimidate his country's most important drug dealers.

Bush Promise
President Bush has assured Mexican President Vincente Fox that the National Guard presence on the border would not be permanent... it's just until after the mid-term elections.

Why They Come
President Bush said he understood why people want to come to America, calling it the "great hope,"... which it is, you know when he's not president.

Laura on Gay Marriage
First Lady Laura Bush is advising Republicans not to use banning gay marriage as an election issue this fall. She says it would be divisive, hurtful, and totally copying her husband's idea from two years ago.

Libya Deal
The U.S. has reestablished diplomatic relations with Libya. President Bush can't wait to get Muamar Ghadaffi's thoughts on phone-tapping and imprisonment without trial.

After-Prom Party
Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue hosted an after-prom party at the governor's mansion this weekend in an effort to keep students from drinking on prom night and to help his aides get dates with 17-year-olds.

Tony Snow's Replacement

It suddenly occurs to me that Bush really blew it with Tony Snow. If he really wanted a spokesperson to turn the tide in his favor, he should have gone with an openly gay man.

Hear me out... just read the hypothetical exchanges with the spokesman "Mike" and the press below:

CNN CORRESPONDENT: Hey Mike what about those domestic phone taps?

MIKE: Oh, please honey, you don't even wanna know what these sickos say all the time. It's a lot worse than a bad episode of Melrose Place. It's really scary. Believe me, we need to leave this terror-hunting to the professionals.

NY TIMES GUY: What do you think about the weak Economic reports?

MIKE: "Oh please. Look, I just got these shoes for half price at a cute little shop in Adams Morgan. And I shouldn't have to even tell you how much the iPod craze is booming. I've got all of Judy and Barbara stored on mine right now!

AP REPORTER: What about the ban on Gay Marriage?

MIKE: "HA!... I should be so lucky. I haven't dated a marriage-worthy guy since the first Bush administration... and you know he was deeper in the closet than my last pair of plaid pants. W's doing us all a favor honey.

WASH POST REPORTER: The war in Iraq is going poorly and...

MIKE: "Stop right there. Hey, the boys over there are doing their best. I mean how well would you do at your job if you had to wear the same drab khakis without a hint of color every day? See what I mean?

Now this would also work because everyone in the media would be afraid of looking like a gay-basher. I think the White House should really do this!


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