NSA Phone Taping
A new report says all the major phone companies helped the National Security Agency spy on Americans, except Qwest Communications. And as any Qwest customer can tell you, that's only because Qwest is too inept to help anyone.

"Secrets" the NSA Has Learned from Domestic Phone Tapping

5) 90% of American women call their mothers after fighting with their husbands

4) Even suspected al Qaeda members don't answer the phone when "24" is on

3) 90% of American men call old girlfriends after fighting with their wives

2) President Bush never remembers to dial 9 when making an outside call

1) Verizon sucks

Anderson Cooper Ratings
Despite tremendous hype, Anderson Cooper's ratings are actually lower than the man he replaced, Aaron Brown. But that's mostly because there were at least 100,000 people tuning into Brown's show every night just to try to figure out what that was on his head.

Keith Released
Keith Richards left a New Zealand hospital today where he was treated for a 15-foot fall from a coconut tree. The hospital staff enjoyed meeting Richards, but they exhausted seven years worth of tranquilizers just to keep him mildly sedated.

New Kids TV
A newly-launched satellite TV station, BabyFirstTV, features programming aimed at children from 6 months to 3 years of age. The station's main competition is the FOX News Channel.

Gas Thief
Two St. Louis gas stations lost $10,000 in sales after a thief reprogrammed their pumps, allowing himself and hundreds of motorists to fill up their tanks for free. When the thief is caught, he's expected to be elected mayor of St. Louis.

Russian Population Crisis
Facing a population crisis, Russian President Vladimir Putin wants to offer subsidies to encourage women to have children. But if he really wants to fix the problem, Putin should offer Russian men subsidies to encourage them not to be such scumbags.