New Orleans Plans
The city of New Orleans unveiled its new disaster preparedness plan today. The measure lists the names of each of the politicians and federal agencies victims should be ready to blame when they get screwed in the next hurricane.

Top 5 New Orleans Hurricane Evacuation Recommendations

5) For the quickest evacuation, carpool with the 3 other people who still live in New Orleans

4) Go wherever President Bush is; you know he's going to be as far from the storm as possible

3) While getting out, make sure you avoid getting trampled by Anderson Cooper and the rest of the media rushing in

2) To collect the most disaster aid, pretend you're a member of the New Orleans Saints

1) Call Mayor Nagin; tell him the chocolate city is melting

Abramoff Records
A federal judge has ordered the release of all records of disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff's visits to the Oval Office. This could be an embarrassment for the White House... because they'll show that President Bush was never in the Oval Office.

Bad Geography
A new study shows Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 have poor geography skills, with nearly one-third unable to locate Louisiana, and 60% unable to find Iraq.... oh no wait, those were the test results from the employees in the Bush administration.

Book Deal Dead
Admitted plagiarist Kaavya Viswanathan's book deal has finally been canceled by her publisher. While her dreams of becoming a novelist seem dead, she can look forward to a long career at the New York Times.

Strange Marriage
A 33-year-old man in northern Malaysia has married a 104-year-old woman. Either that guy's crazy, or he has a major addiction to prescription drugs.

Condom Ban Reconsidered
The Vatican is considering allowing the use of condoms in the wake of the AIDS epidemic... and because the Catholic Church has always supported anything that makes sex less enjoyable.