WEB ALERT!!! I'm the featured guest on a short comedy news program called "The Ointment" which is posted on the HuffingtonPost today. To see the video you either need the latest version of Quicktime, or you should download it via the iTunes on your computer if you have it. Here's the link: The Ointment

Moussaoui Sentence
A federal jury sentenced 9/11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui to life in prison Wednesday. The punishment is worse than it sounds because every day, Moussaoui will also be forced to watch tapes of his trial coverage on CNN and FOX News.

Gas Price Prediction
Energy experts warn that gas could cost $5 a gallon by this winter. So, this would be a good time to start collecting each of those 36 credit card offers you get in the mail each week.

Bush on Spanish
President Bush said last week that the National Anthem should only be sung in English, but I guess he forgot that a Spanish version of the Star-Spangled Banner was performed at several Bush campaign events in 2000. Of course, he's forgotten everything he promised during that campaign too.

Top 5 Bush Administration Bird Flu Prevention Strategies

5) Accuse all birds of having WMD's, then bomb Turkey

4) Put FEMA in charge of feeding the nations chickens; that'll kill them off real fast

3) Call in the nation's foremost military expert when it comes to bird illness: Colonel Sanders

2) Force McDonald's to start making a tuna McNugget

1) Don't worry, Americans will be too steamed about $5 a gallon gas to notice they're dying

United 93 Donations
The makers of the movie "United 93," will donate $1.15 million this week toward a memorial to the passengers and crew of United flight 93. They'll also donate the same amount to everyone who saw "RV" this weekend instead.

American Idol Votes
According to a new survey, one in three Americans believes that a vote sent in to American Idol means at least as much as voting for president. Actually, it means more, because American Idol votes are actually counted.

Drinks in School
Thanks to anti-obesity advocates, students in the nation's public schools will no longer be able to buy non-diet sodas in school vending machines. The vending companies will fill those slots with bullets.

Strange Judge
A judge in the Philppines claims he can see the future and admits to consulting imaginary mystic dwarfs... but Americans just want to know where he stands on abortion.