Osama Clears Moussaoui
In his latest audiotape, Osama bin Laden insists that Zacarias Moussaoui had nothing to do with the September 11th attacks. The U.S. says it will be glad to give Moussaoui a new trial if bin Laden will agree to testify in person.

ABC Picks Charlie
ABC appointed Charles Gibson as the new anchor of "World News Tonight" Tuesday. We can expect Gibson to be dead, pregnant, or forced out by right wing bloggers within the next six months.

U.S. Supports Israel
President Bush said the U.S. would defend Israel if it is attacked by Iran. But if Israel gets hit with a massive hurricane, they're on their own.

U.S. Supports Israel II
President Bush said the U.S. would defend Israel if it is attacked by Iran... but we'd really appreciate it if Israel attacked Iran first.

Top 5 Ways U.S. will Aid Israel if Iran Attacks

5) Dick Cheney will volunteer to give Iranians marksmanship lessons

4) Free iTunes downloads (for a limited time)

3) President Bush will fool Iranians into giving up early by landing on one of their aircraft carriers to make a victory speech

2) Send Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a mirror

1) The Senate will ban gay marriage

Hamas Aid Blocked
The House voted 361-37 Tuesday to block any U.S. aid to Hamas. The vote would have been unanimous, but 37 congressmen thought it was a bill against humus.

Fox Visits U.S.
Mexican President Vicente Fox has began his latest visit to the U.S. Tuesday. Things started off poorly when two white men in a pickup tried to take Fox to work at a construction site as soon as he got off the plane.

Fox Visits Utah
Mexican President Vicente Fox began his U.S. tour in Utah. Fox's staff thought he could make the boldest statement of friendship for this country by visiting the one place in America even desperate illegal Mexican immigrants won't go.

Hastert Complains
House Speaker Dennis Hastert complained directly to President Bush about the FBI's unprecedented raid on Rep. William Jefferson's office. If the Bush administration wanted to invade Jefferson's privacy, Hastert just can't understand why it didn't illegally tap his phone like everyone else.

Philly Papers Sold
A private investor has bought both of the major Philadelphia daily newspapers for $562 million... which seems like a lot of money since no one else in Philadelphia has bought a newspaper in 13 years.