WEB ALERT!!! I have a special page of my own on the new Comedy Soapbox web site! It includes a listing of my upcoming shows and even a headshot of me for those of you dying to know what I look like! Here's the link: Comedy Soapbox

VOTE FOR ME!! "Two Drink Minimum" is currently accepting nominations for the many Best of 2004 Awards categories. Simply e-mail your picks to editor@twodrinkmin.com with any subject line you like before 9 p.m. EST on Oct. 17. Please vote for me for "Best Web Site" and "Most Intelligent Comic." Only one vote per e-mail address allowed.

Defense Perks
Defense lawyer Lynne Stewart says she gets perks for representing Islamic extremists, including getting free food from Arab vendors on the streets of New York. On the other hand, the men and women prosecuting Islamic extremists say they face many added dangers... like getting free food from Arab vendors on the streets of New York.

Scientist Dies
Katharina Dalton, who discovered pre-menstrual syndrome, died this week at the age of 87. Dalton's work truly helped women understand their bodies, but she really helped millions of creepy guys who, thanks to her, can actually get away with blaming PMS for why they aren't getting any.

Rent-a-Husband
A man in Helsinki is selling his services as a "rent-a-husband" for $25 an hour, to do chores around the house, but he insists he is not selling sexual services... that's being taken care of by a separate business called, "rent-a-pool boy."

Arnold Foie Gras
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is banning the force-feeding of ducks to make the gourmet dish foie gras. But he will allow farmers to use other methods to make the ducks larger, including bringing them to Gold's Gym for a complete workout every morning.

Stadium Rally
Thousands rallied in New York yesterday in support of building a new stadium for the Jets on Manhattan's West Side. Bringing Jets fans to Manhattan would be a boon to restaurants, bars and every pharmacy that sells anti-depressants on Sundays.

Presidential Debate
The first debate between President Bush and John Kerry will be held on the campus of the football powerhouse, the University of Miami. Organizers chose the site because like a Miami football game, it's really a better idea to watch the debate after you spend about 3 hours getting drunk.

Martha to West Virginia
Martha Stewart is calling the Bureau of Prisons' decision to send her to a camp in West Virginia, "a disappointment,' since she wanted to be closer to members of her family and her attorneys. However, the decision is being hailed as a "victory"... by members of her family and her attorneys.

Carter Warning
Jimmy Carter is warning that Florida's faulty voting machinery could create another Election Day nightmare. But it's not clear if he was referring to the nightmare that occurred in 2000 when the votes weren't counted, or the nightmare that occurred in 1976 when the votes were counted and we elected Jimmy Carter.

Science Warning
The new president of MIT says America is forced to import most of our science and math experts from abroad, posing a serious challenge to U.S. high schools. Top educators are responding by promising to teach all American students how to say "nerd" in at least 3 foreign languages.

Prison Smoking Ban
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is banning smoking in all California prisons. With no cigarettes, the only thing left for the prisoners to use as currency will be jugs of Vaseline.

Bush Stands Firm
President Bush says that he has no regrets about standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier last year with a sign behind him declaring "Mission Accomplished." But that's only because he's still really proud that he was able to spell it right.

Swiss Discovery
Swiss scientists have discovered what they believe is Europe's biggest fungus. Actually, American scientists found it 250 years ago and named it "France."

Dylan Admission
In his new autobiography, Bob Dylan admits he's often "hated and feared" the people who come to his home and follow him around on tour. But you won't need to buy his book for proof that Dylan dislikes his fans; for that you just have to listen to his last 3 albums.

CNN Producer Released
Palestinian kidnappers have finally released CNN producer Riad Ali. But there's still no word on whether they'll release Aaron Brown's favorite hairpiece in time for tonight's broadcast.

Reserve Desertion
A large number of soldiers being reactivated for duty in Iraq have not yet reported to their bases, prompting the Army to threaten some with punishment for desertion. Reservists who report a month late will be fined, those who delay for 3 months will face prison, and soldiers who don't report for a year or more will get the Republican nomination for president.

Debate Rules
Many political experts are complaining that the strict rules for the Presidential debates will provide few surprises. But organizers insist there's nothing in the rules that will stop President Bush from uttering a coherent sentence and John Kerry from sticking to one position for more than 30 minutes.

Box Office
The new thriller, "The Forgotten," topped the box office this weekend. The film is about a mysterious power that tries to convince people that the horrible things that have happened never occurred... kind of like what they're doing at the Bush campaign.

Costner Weds
49-year old actor Kevin Costner married 30-year old Christine Baumgartner this weekend. Baumgartner fell for Costner because of his good looks, friendly personality, and because she was too young to see "Waterworld."

Florida Poll
A new poll in Florida shows some interesting results. It's President Bush at 49%, John Kerry with 46%, and "Guy who finally gets the power turned back on" at 95%.

Mount St. Helens Trouble?
There's an increased likelihood that Mount St. Helens may erupt again in the coming weeks. Experts say that's because of a strengthening series of tremors in the volcano, and the mountain is probably jealous of all the coverage the hurricanes have been getting on CNN.

Okay, now it's a REAL Top 10

Top 10 Reasons Dodgers' Shawn Green Should Sit Out on Yom Kippur

10) Taking steroids while fasting can be dangerous

9) Most reform synagogues have better organists than the one at Dodger Stadium

8) Yom Kippur service only public event in LA where you can safely avoid running into Tommy Lasorda

7) It's well past time for him to repent for those long sideburns

6) Local synagogue parking lot logged 25% fewer car break-ins than Dodger stadium last year

5) If you're weakened by not eating or drinking for 24 hours; it's best to only play against the Mets

4) Unlike Dodger stadium, most Jews stay until the actual end of the service

3) High holiday tickets plus annual synagogue donation still cheaper than 2 outfield seats and a Dodger dog

2) Confusing Hebrew phrases in the prayer book still easier to explain than the infield fly rule

1) It'll be an inspiration to millions of Jewish boys who could one day grow up to be his agent

Schiavo Ruling
The Florida state supreme court has ruled against Governor Jeb Bush's fight to keep severely brain-damaged Terry Schiavo hooked up to life support. Bush is shocked, since the same court hooked up his severely brain-damaged brother to the White House four years ago.

Bush-Allawi
President Bush and interim Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi met in Washington again yesterday. The two men have a lot in common: Allawi spent several years avoiding Saddam Hussein's secret police who were trying to drag him back to Iraq, and Bush spent several years avoiding the military police who were trying to get him to show up for National Guard.

Cheney Attack
Vice President Dick Cheney says John Kerry's decision to criticize Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi in a press conference yesterday "showed tremendous disrespect." Cheney says if Kerry wanted to criticize Allawi in a more respectful way he could have just told him to "F**k off."

Iraqi Elections
President Bush and Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi insist Iraqi elections will be held on schedule this January. In fact, they say the only real hold-up is they're having a hard time finding someone who can produce a series of attack ads in Arabic.

NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

VOTE FOR ME!! "Two Drink Minimum" is currently accepting nominations for the many Best of 2004 Awards categories. Simply e-mail your picks to editor@twodrinkmin.com with any subject line you like before 9 p.m. EST on Oct. 17. Please vote for me for "Best Web Site" and Most Intelligent Comic." Only one vote per e-mail address allowed.

Live Appearances Alert!! I have TWO big shows coming up in the next few weeks! The first show is at NY Improv on Saturday Night, October 2nd. The show starts at 6:30pm. PLEASE make a Reservation by calling 212 330 8263. Leave your name, number, the number of people in your party, the show you will be attending, and MY NAME so I get credit for your attendance! Your reservation will be confirmed just by leaving a message on the reservation line. Here's the web site for NY Improv: NY Improv

The second show is one I'm producing at Stand Up NY on Sunday Night, October 17th. This is a special night of POLITICAL COMEDY to help us all get through the election. You can call 212 595 0850 to make a reservation for that show, which starts at 7:30pm. Stand Up NY is located on West 78th Street and Broadway. Stand Up NY

Top 5 Reasons Shawn Green Should Sit out Both Games against San Francisco on Yom Kippur

5) Taking steroids while fasting can be dangerous

4) Local reform synagogue has a better organist than the one at Dodger Stadium

3) It's well past time for him to repent for those long sideburns

2) If you're weakened by not eating or drinking for 24 hours; it's best to only play against the Mets

1) It'll be an inspiration to millions of Jewish boys who could one day grow up to be his agent

Sox Partying
Boston city officials say this year, they'll stop the kind of raucous partying that occurred during the Red Sox postseason last year. But it's not clear what will kill the partying faster; city cops or the Sox bullpen.

Video Voyeurism
Congress has passed the video voyeurism law, making it a crime to photograph or videotape people for the purpose of embarrassing them. Well, I guess that means the Bush-Kerry debates will only be on the radio.

Allawi Address
Interim Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi is addressing a joint session of Congress today. He's expected to call for more military support, ask for humanitarian aid, and beg that they give his job to someone else.

McGreevey Push
Outgoing New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey is now calling for a law banning political contributors from doing business with the state... thus eliminating the only reason to contribute to a political campaign in New Jersey.

Cat Stevens Case
Several American security officials are outraged that singer Cat Stevens/Yusuf Islam was allowed to board a flight to the U.S. in the first place. But they are not as outraged as music fans who can't understand why he wasn't stopped before he released his last album.

CBS Fine
The FCC has slapped CBS with the maximum $550,000 fine in connection with Janet Jackson's breast-baring incident at the Super Bowl. But the fine may reduced now that Dan Rather has gone on the air and admitted that Jackson's boobs were probably fake.

Iverson Sneaker Recall
Reebok's Allen Iverson sneaker for toddlers is being recalled because a tag on the shoe is a choking hazard. But Reebok says it can't do anything about the fact that Allen Iverson remains a choking hazard during the playoffs and the Olympics.

Flight Diverted
Singer Yusuf Islam, formerly known as Cat Stevens, forced a London-to-Washington flight to be diverted to Maine last night because his name turned up on a terrorist "watch list." It's not the first time Stevens' has inconvenienced innocent passengers... but that usually only happens on elevators playing his music.

Islam Detained
After being forced off the plane and taken to a holding facility, Islam's lawyers demanded he be moved to a place where he'd be more comfortable. But the nearest oldies station was more than 100 miles away.

Emmy Ratings
Ratings for the Emmy Awards show this weekend were weaker than ever. But that's only because when the viewers saw so many celebrities in one place, they thought it was a re-run of the Democratic convention.

Twinkie Troubles
The company that makes Twinkies is filing for bankruptcy. The failure won't affect Wall Street too much, but It is the first bad economic news expected to really hurt President Bush's core supporters.

WEB ALERT!! I have a new satirical piece published on the Enduring Vision Web Site! Here's the link: EnduringVision

Bush and Kerry in NYC
President Bush is in New York City today to speak to the United Nations, while John Kerry is also in town to appear on "Live with Regis and Kelly." That means both their audiences will need an interpreter to understand what they're saying.

Annan Address
Before Bush's address, Kofi Annan sternly reminded the General Assembly that "no one is above the law." But it's not clear whether he was talking about human rights, or all the UN diplomats who haven't paid their New York City parking tickets for the last 10 years.

New Museum
The Smithsonian's new American Indian Museum opened today in Washington. And right on cue, as soon as the beautiful building was unveiled, the guys from the American History Museum came in and stole it.

Top 5 Reasons Home Depot is Hiring Veterans

5) Thanks to Halliburton, they're already trained to move overpriced crap meant for gullible customers

4) Their peacekeeping skills will come in handy every time people start fighting over the last parking spot

3) Dealing with Iraqis who have no idea how to build a government should help them deal with customers who have no idea how to build a deck

2) They've seen the total failure of Iraq's move to democracy... so they won't be too shocked by the total failure of the self-service check-out

1) Defending innocent civilians from angry insurgents not much different from defending customers against a confused old lady with a 2-by-4

Live Appearance Alert!!! I'm performing at a special stand up comedy competition/TV audition at NY Improv on West 53rd Street and 8th Avenue on Saturday Night October 2nd!!! The show starts at 7PM. I really need your support if you can make it!!Here's the club's web site address: Ny Improv

Emmy Results
FOX's "Arrested Development" won the Emmy vote for best comedy series last night despite terrible ratings from the moment it first went on the air. At the podium, the series' jubilant creators said: "If President Bush can do it, so can we!"

Emmy Results II
After a four straight years of winning the best drama emmy, "The West Wing" finally lost to "The Sopranos" last night. Unfortunately, that's the only incumbent Hollywood has the ability to vote out.

Hastert Comment
House Speaker Dennis Hastert says al Qaeda wants John Kerry to win the presidential election. His comments are causing a commotion in Washington, as hundreds of congressmen are trying to find out if an al Qaeda endorsement comes with any campaign contributions.

Hastert Comment II
House Speaker Dennis Hastert claims that the terrorists want John Kerry to win the election. Al Qaeda leaders are angrily refuting that claim, not because they think John Kerry would be tougher on them, but because they can't figure out what he stands for either.

Miss America Winner
Miss Alabama Deidre Downs won the Miss America Pageant Saturday night. The future med school student had to overcome lots of obstacles, including 51 other contestants, a quiz on current affairs, and the fact that she sickened all the judges when she skillfully dissected a cadaver during the talent competition.

CBS Admission
CBS News is set to make a major announcement today concerning its reporting on President Bush's National Guard documents. The network is expected to say it was misled, not by the documents experts who said the memos were real, but by the doctors who said Dan Rather was sane.

Al Smith Dinner Snubs
The New York Archdiocese is not inviting President Bush or John Kerry to speak at its annual Al Smith Dinner. It's not because of the candidates' views on abortion, it's just that the Church believes the dinner's attendees deserve speakers they can understand.

Jacko Admission
Michael Jackson's lawyers now admit he paid off the families of two young boys in the early 90's, even though he was innocent, in hopes of avoidng the negative publicity. But the attorneys say he's going to court this time because these days, he'll take whatever publicity he can get.

Culkin Arrest
Macaulay Culkin was arrested yesterday in Oklahoma City for drug possession. His shocked fans are trying to figure out what's the clearer sign that Culkin has hit bottom: having a drug addiction, or being in Oklahoma City.

Madonna in Israel
Madonna's current visit to Tel Aviv is generating great publicity for Israel. Not because she's promoting tourism, but the fact that she entered the country so easily has finally convinced the rest of the world that Israel really does need that security fence.

Olsen Twins McDonalds
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are now doing commercials for McDonalds in France even though Mary Kate has an eating disorder. Actually, Mary Kate is the perfect person to endorse McDonalds since she already knows how to throw up.

Olsen Twins McDonalds II
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are now doing commercials for McDonalds in France, even though Mary Kate has an eating disorder. This actually makes sense, because anyone who goes to a McDonalds in France must have an eating disorder.

Buchanan's Attack
Conservative commentator Pat Buchanan is attacking Republicans for abandoning their values. Republicans are responding by asking: "We have values?"

College Students
A new study shows that 1 in 4 college students in America is suicidal. Experts are pretty sure those are the same 1 in 4 college students in America who pay their own tuition.

Seat Belt Use
The U.S. government says seat belt use is at an all-time high. It's not because we're more safety-conscious, it's just that we're desperate to use anything that makes our stomachs look thinner.

CBS National Guard Documents
White House officials say they knew all along that the memos shown on "60 Minutes" attacking President Bush's National Guard duty were fakes. But that's only because they were written by the same guy they paid to forge documets proving there were WMD's in Iraq.

Martha Wants In
Federal officials say legal rules won't allow them to honor Martha Stewart's new request to be sent to prison right away. It's not Martha's rights they're protecting, it's just that her future cellmates deserve at least a two week warning.

New Orleans Evacuations
Thousands of New Orleans residents are evacuating the area, leaving the city a virtual ghost town. But it's not clear what's panicking the locals more, the impending Hurricane, or the announcement that all the bars in the French Quarter are closed.

Olberman Nude
In a Playgirl survey, MSNBC anchorman Keith Olberman was voted the male journalist women most want to see naked. So in hope of gaining female votes, President Bush is having Olberman arrested and sent to Abu Ghraib prison.

Smoking Study
A new study says adults who frequently talk to their kids about smoking have the best chance to keep those children from becoming smokers themselves. So from now on, I'm going to take time out every day to ask my kid to go get me my smokes.

Chinese Executions
The Chinese government has executed four executives from state-run banks for fraud. Americans are reacting to the news by asking whether we can extradite Ken Lay and Bernie Ebbers to China.

CBS Credibility
A new report shows that despite warnings from experts that the documents were low quality and could not authenticated, CBS still aired the story about President Bush's alleged National Guard service memos. But if CBS always refused to broadcast low-quality items, it never would be able to air "Two and Half Men," "Yes Dear," or "The Amazing Race."

Web Alert !! That web site, Kiwibox.com, for teen and college girls is listing more of my jokes in its latest edition. Here's the link: Kiwibox.com


Oprah's Surprise
Oprah Winfrey's decision to give her entire studio audience new cars in yesterday's season premiere is sure to keep her show in the news for a long time. That's because since the new cars were all Pontiacs, Oprah will need to give them all another new car in about 5 months.

Berserk Pitcher
Texas Rangers pitcher Frank Francisco angrily tossed a chair into the stands during last night's game against Oakland, injuring two fans. Team officials now have to decide whether to suspend him, turn him over to the cops, or they can choose the most severe punishment and trade him to the Mets.

Berserk Pitcher II
Texas Rangers pitcher Frank Francisco angrily tossed a chair into the stands during last night's game against the Oakland A's. Francisco was upset because the fans kept jeering him, and just wouldn't stop staring every time he tried to inject some extra steroids.

Kelley's New Book
The White House is attacking Kitty Kelley's new book about the Bush family, where she accuses President Bush of using cocaine. Republicans insist Kelley is a liar with no credibility... except when she writes nasty stuff about the Kennedy's.

Powell's Concerns
Secretary of State Colin Powell says he's concerned that Russian President Vladimir Putin's sweeping changes in response to terrorism are backing the country away from some recent democratic reforms. But Powell says he won't really be worried until Russia passes the Patriot Act.

Nevada Primary
Election officials in Nevada say the state's decision to go with electronic voting machines is a huge success with few glitches and a big turnout in today's primaries. But all that's really because most of the voters thought they were playing video poker.

School Begins
Thousands of New York City parents spent the first day of school yesterday trying to transfer their kids to better high schools where getting a degree will ensure them a job with an American company. Unfortunately, all those schools are in India.

WEB ALERT!! I have a new satirical story published on the Enduring Vision web site. Here's the link: EnduringVision.com

Ivan on the Way
Hurricane Ivan is poised to hit Cuba today and cause massive destruction and fear. The news is prompting Fidel Castro to say: "Hey that's my job!"

Batman Protest
A protester dressed as Batman has scaled a wall at Buckingham Palace, causing huge embarrassment for Britain's security forces. But this is even more embarrassing for the folks at Warner Borthers Studios, who could have prevented this whole incident if they had just made Val Kilmer give his costume back.

U.S. Open Women's Champ
Svetlana Kuznetsova defeated Elena Dementieva in a tough match to win the U.S. Open women's final last night in Flushing. It was the fiercest battle ever fought by two Russian women in Queens that wasn't in some way connected to the last parking spot in front of a nail salon.

U.S. Open Women's Champ II
After winning the U.S. Open Final last night in Flushing Meadows, Svetlana Kuznetsova got the three things every Russian woman in Queens really wants: Money, fame, and a bucket of mascara.

Booby Trap Letters
15 state governors have now received booby-trapped letters rigged to set fire when opened. The only Governor safe from these attacks in Jim McGreevey, because he's already flaming.

White House vs. Dan Rather
Republicans are warning CBS anchor Dan Rather to stop investigating President Bush's National Guard service... or else. Just to make sure Rather gets the message, they're having New York cops beat up Mike Wallace one more time.

Al-Zawahiri Video
Al Qaeda leader Aymin al-Zawahiri is featured in a new video blasting the U.S. It's hard to tell what's more embarrassing: the fact that he's still free and thumbing his nose at America, or the fact that he reads the TelePrompTer much better than Tom Brokaw.

60 Minutes Interview-Bush
Millions of Americans tuned in to 60 Minutes this week to see an interview with a man who said he regrets giving George W. Bush a coveted job he didn't deserve. But they were all disappointed when it turned out the guy getting interviewed wasn't Chief Justice Rehnquist.

Clinton Recovery
It looks like former President Bill Clinton is recovering well from heart surgery. Just this morning, he got out of bed, stood up on his own, and groped his first nurse.

Eisner Quitting
After years of criticism, Disney CEO Michael Eisner announced today that he'll finally step down in 2006. That will give him enough time to groom a successor, shore up his finances, and figure out what the Hell he was thinking when they opened Euro Disney and California Adventure.

Top 5 Items Selling at the New Manhattan Home Depot

5) Cement shoe mix

4) All-weather utility yarmulke

3) Mace-spraying power washer

2) Car theft crow bar

1) Dog poop-clearing wet-dry vac

Bush Evaluations
New reports say that when President Bush was in the Air National Guard, many of his superiors were politically pressured to give him good evaluations even though he didn't show up for duty. That's kind of like what happens every day on the FOX News Channel.

Subway Recovers
After a massive rainstorm crippled New York's subway's yesterday, trains were running normally again today. But commuters were more impressed that even after thousands of gallons of water flooded the system, each station still smells like urine.

Heart Study
A new study shows that too much inactivity puts you at greater risk for a heart attack than eating a high-fat diet. Bill Clinton is reacting to the news by hiring 6 new interns.

Dog Shooter
A Florida man who tried to shoot seven puppies was shot himself when one of the dogs put its paw on the revolver's trigger. So, it looks like the NRA has finally found a new spokesman to replace Charlton Heston!

Serena Robbed
Tennis star Serena Williams is outraged after she lost her quarterfinal match at the U.S. Open last night because of several bad calls by the umpire. But experts say Serena should save most of her anger for whoever's been choosing her outfits.

Cheney Warning
Dick Cheney warned voters yesterday that if John Kerry wins the election, America will be in more danger. But it wasn't clear if Cheney meant the danger would come from the terrorists or an angry Zell Miller.

9/11 Proposals
In response to the 9/11 Commission's recommendations, Congress is now considering sweeping intelligence reform. But the most sweeping intelligence reform won't happen until the American people vote everyone in Congress out of office.

Houston Drop-Outs
School officials in Houston are trying several new programs to cut down on the drop-out rate, which is the highest in the nation. But the educators need to realize that the students aren't really trying to miss out on an education, they're just trying to get out of Houston.

Jenna's Book
Porn star Jenna Jameson has released her autobiography, which tells the tale of a drug-addicted teenager who cleaned up her act and reached the top of her profession. Reaction has been mixed -- her fans love it, but President Bush's book agents are suing her for copyright infringement.

South Carolina Robbery
A man held up a bank in South Carolina yesterday using only a rusty pitchfork as a weapon. Local police are baffled by the crime because in South Carolina, people who own that kind of sophisticated farm equipment usually don't need to rob banks.

Clinton Changes
Now that his heart surgery is over, former President Clinton is vowing to stay away from all things that are high in fat. If only this had happened 10 years ago, he could avoided that whole Monica Lewinsky scandal.

Clinton Recovering
Former President Clinton is recovering from heart bypass surgery, but his doctors are keeping him sedated. That should help him heal faster, and give his nurses a few days of peace before he starts trying to grab them again.

Yankee Game Delay
The effects of Hurricane Frances delayed yesterday's Yankees-Devil Rays game, and Yankee fans had to wait four hours until their team finally started to play. That's opposed to Mets fans, who have been waiting all season for their team to start playing.

GOP Convention Crime Stats
Crime in New York City dropped 40% during the Republican National Convention last week. That's because there were thousands more cops on the streets, stores were closed, and the nation's top corporate criminals were too busy attending convention parties to do any quality embezzling.

Fahrenheit 9/11 Oscar
Michael Moore is submitting "Fahrenheit 9/11" to the Oscar voters for "Best Picture," and not in the "Best Documentary" category. That's mostly because movies nominated for "Best Picture" can be works of fiction.

Russian Mourning
The aftermath of the terrorist attack on a Russian school has pushed that nation into a state of confusion. Mostly because it's the first national tragedy in the country's history that the government can't blame on the Jews.

Spielberg Honored
French President Jacques Chirac named Steven Spielberg a Knight in the French Legion of Honor last night, but the ceremony was not without controversy. While Chirac introduced Spielberg as the "genius who directed 'E.T.,' and 'Saving Private Ryan,' he still insisted on also describing him as "the Jew from America responsible for '1941,' and 'Jurassic Park 2.'

Frances Effects
Hurricane Frances has made landfall in Florida. The high winds are forcing business owners to close their stores, families to evacuate their homes, and elderly men in Miami to abandon their comb-overs.

Clinton Surgery
News that former President Bill Clinton is having heart bypass surgery is shocking his friends and family. Usually when Clinton runs into any problems, it's his prostate that causes all the trouble.

Florida Threat
A huge object the size of Texas continues to menace the coast of Florida... but enough about Jeb Bush.

Rush & Kagan
Rush Limbaugh and CNN anchorwoman Daryn Kagan are now an item. If a guy like him gets any action from her, I guess he'll finally prove the media really IS too liberal.

Frances is Coming
After watching all the news reports, millions of Floridians are boarding up their homes and evacuating their neighborhoods. But it's not clear whether they're trying to protect themselves from the hurricane or Zell Miller.

College Campaign
Both the Kerry and Bush campaigns are working hard to craft a winning message for college-age voters. But experts say it's very easy: at college rallies, take all the promises you make to the elderly about getting them cheaper prescription drugs, and just erase the word "prescription."

RNC 2004

Bush Optimism
In his acceptance speech last night, President Bush bragged about how homes are now more affordable than ever before. The bad news is that he was only talking about homes in Florida.

Bush Promises
President Bush promised Americans more freedom, and more control over their own lives... except if you're a gay person who wants to get married or a scientist who wants to do stem cell research.

Balloon Release
The most impressive moment of the Republican convention came when thousands of balloons were released into the crowd. It was the first time the Bush team had bought so many inflated items not made by Halliburton.

Kerry Responds
After President Bush finished his acceptance speech, John Kerry fired back at a rally in Ohio. The midnight attacks on the president prompted Ted Koppel to say: "Hey, that's my job!"

NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column of today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

New Six Flags Owner
Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder is buying the roller coaster theme park chain Six Flags. So now Snyder owns two things that make people want to throw up.

Kobe Case Dropped
Colorado prosecutors have dropped the rape case against Kobe Bryant for three important reasons. They couldn't present enough evidence, the female accuser couldn't bear to go any further, and the U.S. couldn't have its best NBA players in jail if it wants to avoid getting embarrassed again at the next Olympics.

RNC 2004

Bush Speech
Experts say President Bush has to give a very different acceptance speech tonight than John Kerry did. That's because he can't talk about healthcare, can't talk about jobs, and definitely can't say he's "reporting for duty."

Bush Speech II
President Bush is expected to highlight his objections to John Kerry's call for more international cooperation in the war on terror. He'll remind Americans that when it comes to this country's security, he listens to the people of only one nation: Saudi Arabia.

Top 5 Things President Bush Needs to Do to Deliver a Good Acceptance Speech

-Make sure Jenna and Barbara don't choose his outfit or write any of his jokes

-Try to resist the temptation to declare any more wars during the entire address

-Avoid riding around the podium on a mountain bike or Segway Scooter

-Make sure he doesn't have any of what Zell Miller's been drinking

-Remind the conservative delegates they can get the Hell out of New York City the second he finishes speaking

Cheney Description
In his speech last night, Vice President Cheney bragged that a man who once reigned over a dangerous regime and was a threat to this country is now in jail. The delegates responded by asking: "Ken Lay's in jail?"

Cheney Support
As Vice President Cheney accepted the nomination, a huge chant of "four more years" went up in the convention hall. But it's not clear if the cheers were led by the delegates or all the nation's heart surgeons.

Choosing New York
Many Bush supporters are still wondering why they chose to come to a hostile New York City for their convention. But experts say New York is the perfect choice, because Republicans are always most effective on the campaign trail when they're angry, disgusted and afraid.

WEB ALERT!!! I have a new story published on The Enduring Vision web site. Here's the Link: EnduringVision

Yanks Routed
The Cleveland Indians routed the Yankees by the incredible score of 22-0 last night in the Bronx. Well, at least the Yanks are giving the New York Giants a good preview of what their season will be like.

RNC Speakers
The GOP convention is showcasing speakers like George Pataki, Rudy Giuliani, and Arnold Schwarzenegger... leaving voters wondering if this is a Republican convention or a pro-choice rally.

Schwarzenegger's Compassionate Conservatism
Governor Schwarzenegger talked about how the GOP is truly concerned about everyone, including "hopeful immigrants and the elderly." But the best way to show concern for both those groups at once is to take all the old folks who can't afford prescription drugs, and help them move to Canada

Bush's Heroism
Most Republicans say they continue to be in awe of President Bush's great courage in the days after 9/11. The delegates are most impressed by the big risk he took by putting his arm around that fireman at Ground Zero without checking if he was gay first.

Bush's Intro
During a video-link introduction of his wife, President Bush told the Republican convention that, "my life has been better since that wonderful day Laura said yes to me." But Mrs. Bush wasn't sure if her husband was talking about the day she first said "yes" to him, or the day six months later when she HAD to say "yes" when he finally proposed.