NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column of today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

New Six Flags Owner
Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder is buying the roller coaster theme park chain Six Flags. So now Snyder owns two things that make people want to throw up.

Kobe Case Dropped
Colorado prosecutors have dropped the rape case against Kobe Bryant for three important reasons. They couldn't present enough evidence, the female accuser couldn't bear to go any further, and the U.S. couldn't have its best NBA players in jail if it wants to avoid getting embarrassed again at the next Olympics.

RNC 2004

Bush Speech
Experts say President Bush has to give a very different acceptance speech tonight than John Kerry did. That's because he can't talk about healthcare, can't talk about jobs, and definitely can't say he's "reporting for duty."

Bush Speech II
President Bush is expected to highlight his objections to John Kerry's call for more international cooperation in the war on terror. He'll remind Americans that when it comes to this country's security, he listens to the people of only one nation: Saudi Arabia.

Top 5 Things President Bush Needs to Do to Deliver a Good Acceptance Speech

-Make sure Jenna and Barbara don't choose his outfit or write any of his jokes

-Try to resist the temptation to declare any more wars during the entire address

-Avoid riding around the podium on a mountain bike or Segway Scooter

-Make sure he doesn't have any of what Zell Miller's been drinking

-Remind the conservative delegates they can get the Hell out of New York City the second he finishes speaking

Cheney Description
In his speech last night, Vice President Cheney bragged that a man who once reigned over a dangerous regime and was a threat to this country is now in jail. The delegates responded by asking: "Ken Lay's in jail?"

Cheney Support
As Vice President Cheney accepted the nomination, a huge chant of "four more years" went up in the convention hall. But it's not clear if the cheers were led by the delegates or all the nation's heart surgeons.

Choosing New York
Many Bush supporters are still wondering why they chose to come to a hostile New York City for their convention. But experts say New York is the perfect choice, because Republicans are always most effective on the campaign trail when they're angry, disgusted and afraid.