Al-Zawahiri Video
Al Qaeda leader Aymin al-Zawahiri is featured in a new video blasting the U.S. It's hard to tell what's more embarrassing: the fact that he's still free and thumbing his nose at America, or the fact that he reads the TelePrompTer much better than Tom Brokaw.

60 Minutes Interview-Bush
Millions of Americans tuned in to 60 Minutes this week to see an interview with a man who said he regrets giving George W. Bush a coveted job he didn't deserve. But they were all disappointed when it turned out the guy getting interviewed wasn't Chief Justice Rehnquist.

Clinton Recovery
It looks like former President Bill Clinton is recovering well from heart surgery. Just this morning, he got out of bed, stood up on his own, and groped his first nurse.

Eisner Quitting
After years of criticism, Disney CEO Michael Eisner announced today that he'll finally step down in 2006. That will give him enough time to groom a successor, shore up his finances, and figure out what the Hell he was thinking when they opened Euro Disney and California Adventure.

Top 5 Items Selling at the New Manhattan Home Depot

5) Cement shoe mix

4) All-weather utility yarmulke

3) Mace-spraying power washer

2) Car theft crow bar

1) Dog poop-clearing wet-dry vac