Manchurian Candidate
There are mixed reviews for the new version of "The Manchurian Candidate," which tells the story of a corporation that brain washes and controls the U.S. Vice President. Average movie fans say it's great, critics say it's a little forced, and Halliburton execs say, "Hey! That's our idea!"

Top 5 Reasons Tom Ridge will Quit as Homeland Security Czar after the Election

-Tired of having to explain to President Bush that Massachusetts isn't really a terrorist country

-Fighting terror in the U.S. doesn't pay the bills; the real money is in PRETENDING to fight terror in Saudi Arabis

-Needs to get back to his real job as the face on the logo for Bob's Big Boy

-His shares in all the duct tape companies are about as high as they can go

-Once Bush is re-elected, his "anti-terror" fighting duties will be done!

Gas Thief
A judge ordered a Maryland woman caught stealing gas to wear a humiliating sign in front of the station for two hours. The sign said: "Before gas went to $2.50 a gallon, I used to be middle class."

Kerry's Speech
Even the Bush Administration was stirred by John Kerry's decision to begin last night's speech by saying he was "reporting for duty"... so they're sending him to Fallujah.

On-Air Gaffe
After accidentally broadcasting another on-air obscenity last night, CNN is now promising to be more careful at the GOP convention next month... so it won't broadcast Dick Cheney's speech at all.

New Yankee Stadium
The Yankees say they plan to spend $700 million on a new structure right next to the current Yankee Stadium. But it's not clear whether it'll be a new stadium or a private clubhouse for Randy Johnson.

Powell's Trip
Secretary of State Colin Powell promised Iraqi leaders today that the United States will speed up spending to create more jobs in Baghdad. So corporations can now look forward to a big new tax cut for outsourcing American jobs to Iraq.


Old Frat Buddies to Star in Emotional Intro to Bush at GOP Convention

"He always protected us... and the beer," say W's college "brothers"

(Washington, DC) Hoping to counter the Democrats' decision to have John Kerry's swift boat-mates from Vietnam introduce him at the convention, the Republicans have decided to get several of President Bush's fraternity brothers from Yale to testify about his commitment to them in college.

"George Bush stood up for us every time," said Archibald Vincent Dugan III, Skull and Bones '69. "He was a year older than I, and I couldn't help but look up to him junior year when he was always willing to lend me his I.D. for beer runs," he added while choking back tears.

Convention organizers believe trotting out Bush's old buddies will reverse the perception that the president was just a party animal as a youth.

"The American people need to know that George W. Bush is no flip flopper, from offering to carry a keg across campus 37 years ago to getting an upper class tax cut enacted today, the president has looked out for these guys," said RNC chairman Ed Gillespie.

And Bush's old friends say he was just as steady in pursuit of the enemy as John Kerry was in Vietnam.

"We were doing a nighttime panty raid, and the dorm proctor was chasing us full speed," said Abercrombie G. Willis IV, Yale '68, "just when I had given up, here comes George, pulling me out of a third story window, getting me onto the roof and even having the time to T-P the oak tree out front of the Beta house on the dead run back to our room," added Willis.

President Bush himself talked emotionally about his college counterparts at a rally in Missouri today.

"When I was out drinking with my friends, no one cared where the other guy came from. It didn't matter if he grew up in an 500-room mansion in New England or a 50,000 acre ranch in Texas. It didn't matter if his dad had $100 million or $500 million. And when we stole that stuff from the crew team and took a booze cruise up the Hudson River during spring break in '67, we were all LITERALLY in the same boat."

Perhaps the most gut wrenching testimonial will come from Roger Thornhill, who graduated with Bush in 1968.

"I had had a few too many and was really thinking about asking that cute Jewish girl from Wellesley for a date," Thornhill remembers, "I intend to tell the American people how George had the presence of mind to remind me what I was doing and snap me out of it. Who knows where that could have led if it hadn't been for that warning? Mummy would have fainted and Daddy probably would have yanked my trust fund faster than you can say 'Hava Negillah."

Democrats are understandably worried about how the powerful convention moment could affect the polls.

"This is like a perfect storm for us," said Kerry strategist Mark Mehlman, "by bringing out his old drinking buddies, Bush reassures his upper class base and appeals to the average Schlitz-drinker with a pickup trunk at the same time! We really can't counter that."

Analysts also believe the event could appeal to voters in the key swing states.

"The big swing states this year are Ohio, Michigan, and Florida," said pollster James Zogby, "and God knows there isn't much else to do in those states than drink and puke. I wouldn't underestimate the power a scene like that could have."

NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" section of Newsday today. Here's the link: Newsday

WEB ALERT!! I have a new piece on the Whitehouse.org satirical web site. Again I WARN you, the language is R-rated on this site. Here's the link: Whitehouse.org

Top 5 Things John Kerry Must do in Tonight's Speech to Win Voters

-Pronounce "nuclear" correctly every single time

-Get to the podium safely without choking on a pretzel or falling off a bicycle

-Pull out driver's license, social security card, anything that proves he's not George Bush

-Offer free Botox samples to all undecided women voters

-Just get Bill Clinton to read the speech for him

Edwards Speech
Last night Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards promised to get all Americans a chance at higher education... which could only mean he plans on suing every college in the country.

National Guard in the City
The National Guard has been put on alert for possible deployment during the Republican National Convention next month in Manhattan. The troops will be assigned the difficult task of shielding the delegates from chemical, biological and radiological weapons... and after they shut down all the hot dog stands, they'll go after the terrorists.

Cable Battle
Thanks to another rate dispute, New York Mets games may be pulled off millions of cable stations across the city as early as today. Some fans are calling the possible blackout an outrage, but experts believe most will see it as a time of healing.

American Income
The Internal Revenue Service says for the first time since World War II, the average American's income has fallen for two consecutive years. Most economists believe the trend is disturbing, but the IRS calls it a "job well done."

Box Office Hits
President Bush is inadvertently the star of one of the top grossing movies in the country now that "Fahrenheit 9/11" has made more than $100 million. Of course, he's still playing second-fiddle to his wife, who is the subject of the even more popular "I Robot."

Top 5 Reasons President Bush Won't See Fahrenheit 9/11 in Crawford

-He can't be expected to sit and pay attention to anything for two whole hours

-Secret service won't let him near any place that sells pretzels

-He's having too much fun shooting out TV screens while watching the Democratic Convention

-Can only see one film on this vacation... and it's going to be "Garfield the Movie"

-He's waiting for the release of the even more controversial "director's cut"


Last Comic Standing
The voting lines are open as millions of fans are choosing their favorite comedians in the "Last Comic Standing" reality show. The only trouble is that so far, most Americans say the person on TV who made them laugh the most last night was Ted Kennedy.

Jackson Trial Delayed
The judge in the child molestation case against pop star Michael Jackson is pushing back the start of the trial to January 31, 2005. Now Jackson has more time to prepare his legal defense, refute new charges in the news media, and have 3 more plastic surgeries.

Cheaper Hummer
Hummer is coming out with a new model that's reasonable priced at $30,000. Of course that's still less than it costs to fill up the tank.

Clinton's Message
In his speech last night, Bill Clinton insisted that "strength and wisdom are not opposing values." But it's not clear if he meant that as an attack on President Bush, or an endorsement for Governor Schwarzenegger.

Bush Falls
President Bush fell off his bicycle while exercising at his ranch in Texas yesterday. Officials say no essential parts of his body were injured, which means he must have only hit his head.

Teresa Sounds Off
After she told a reporter to "shove it," Teresa Heinz Kerry is under attack. Conservatives want her to apologize, liberals want her to calm down, and Dick Cheney thinks she should have told him to "f**k off."

GOP Chides Dems
Republicans say the Democratic Convention is nothing but an episode of "extreme makeover." Democrats are responding by characterizing President Bush's first four years in office as back-to-back episodes of "Big Brother," and "Fear Factor."

Gitmo Release
Four French nationals held at Guantanamo Bay for more than two years have arrived in France after being handed over by the United States. It's a mixed blessing for the men; they are free, but now that they're back in France they'll probably get fewer showers than when they were in prison.

WEB ALERT!!! I have a story published in this week's EnduringVison.com satirical web site. Here is the link: EnduringVision

DNC Security
Because of extremely tight security, most Boston residents won't be able to even get near the site of the Democratic National Convention this week. But if they insist on gathering someplace to cheer on a lost cause, they can always catch the Red Sox at Fenway Park.

Sperm Donor Support
A state appeals court has ruled that a sperm donor must pay child support for his two biological children. The man insists he can't afford any financial support, but like most sperm donors, he'll always be willing to lend them a hand.

Star Wars Movie Title
The title for next summer's final Star Wars movie has been announced and is set to be put on theater marquees all over the country. It's called: "Geeks Line Up Here."

Sliwa Flees
Now that John Gotti Jr. has been indicted for ordering the murder of Guardian Angel founder and talk radio host Curtis Sliwa, Sliwa is fleeing Manhattan for a secret location. Experts believe he'll be safest if he goes to that same mystery place where most of his radio listeners disappeared to about 10 years ago.

Chicken Abuse
Eleven workers from a poultry processing plant have been fired following the release of a video showing them kicking and stomping live chickens. The employees plan to appeal, but meanwhile they're getting temporary work at the Abu Ghraib Prison.

Marines Redeployed
The 2,000 marines sent to Afghanistan to secure successful elections there are now leaving that country. That's because the Bush Administration now needs them to secure successful elections in Florida.

Be More than You Can Be
Women serving in the U.S. military can now get breast enhancement surgery for free. It's all part of the Pentagon's plan to entice young male recruits with a, "Join the Army; and All Your Co-Workers Will Have Big Boobs," ad campaign.

Be More than You Can Be II
The U.S. Military is now offering all personnel free plastic surgeries, including breast enhancements. But experts say nothing will change in the armed forces until surgeons can figure out how to
give the top brass at the Pentagon a brain enhancement.


Democratic Convention Hookers to Undergo Unprecedented Security Checks

"The Safety of Our Political Process is at Stake," say Officials


(Boston, MA) Prostitutes expecting to service the thousands of Democratic candidates and delegates at next week's national convention are undergoing extensive background and physical checks before being cleared for duty.

"In this time of al Qaeda terror, the delegates must be protected, so we have to take every precaution to ensure all these whores are safe... and we have to check the prostitutes too, " said Boston police commissioner Kathleen O'Toole.

Exactly what kinds of checks the prostitutes are undergoing is not being released by city officials, but individual officers are leaking some of the details.

"Well, first we gotta see that they know what they're doing," said one top-ranking officer who did not want to be identified, "a couple of them just laid there like cold fish, so we deported them right away. Then there were the ones who seemed to actually enjoy it, so we nixed them too 'cause we thought that was suspicious. And of course we got the full body cavity search, which I must say, these ladies didn't protest as much as usual suspects. But a lot of our investigations are taking more time than usual, and that's not including all the time we waste answering Bill Clinton's annoying offers to help," he added.

Other Democratic Party leaders endorsed the process.

"We Democrats are tired of being labeled as 'weak on terror,' by the Republicans," said leading Democratic organizer Vernon Jordan, "this process ensures the nation that from the stateroom to the bedroom, liberals are just as serious about protecting this country as anybody."

In an unusual act of bi-partisanship, Republican leaders are praising the effort.

"Well, we're glad the Democrats are finally getting serious about the war on terror," said House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, "thanks to their hard work, the whores we'll want to check out in New York won't be able to complain as much. Plus, with tons of cleared prostitutes available by convention time, President Bush won't need to parade Jenna and Barbara in front of all the horny young delegates like he's been doing on the campaign trail," he added.

The Democratic Convention begins here on Monday, the Republicans convene in New York City at the end of August.

NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Support for Lay
News reports say the first President Bush is doing what he can to support indicted ex-Enron CEO and founder Ken Lay. The two men have a lot in common; both know what it's like to be the father of an economic disaster.

Home Defibrillators
The U.S. government is considering allowing people to buy the electronic devices that jump-start a stopped heart and keep them in their homes. But officials warn that the defibrillators will only be made available to people with cardiac defects, elderly Americans who have already had a heart attack, and Mets fans.

Train Checked
A Washington-to-New York Amtrak train was stopped and checked after a passenger discovered something suspicious about the train's restroom; it was clean.

Beer Run
Police say four inmates broke out of a jail in Tennessee this week, bought some cases of beer, and then returned to their cells. This is further proof that as long as they can have beer, most men are willing to endure anything.

Top 5 Events Men are Willing to Take as Long as They Can Get Beer

-Mets games

-War in Iraq, (Donald Rumsfeld only)

-College

-Direct flight from Miami to Phoenix (America West pilots only)

-Marriage

W Ketchup
Worrying that Teresa Heinz-Kerry is profiting from sales of Heinz ketchup, a conservative Republican businessmen is selling a new product called "W" ketchup. Meanwhile, leading neo-Nazi groups are working on offering an alternative to Vlassic kosher pickles.

Top Things Republicans are Boycotting Besides Heinz Ketchup

-Keri skin lotion

-Left turn signals

-Head and Shoulders Shampoo (directions say to use a 'liberal" amount)

-Garden and bush trimmers

-Bill of Rights

Berger Documents
Former National Security Advisor Sandy Berger says he accidentally removed top secret terrorism documents and inadvertently threw them away. The Bush Administration now wants Berger to be prosecuted, fined, and put in charge of all of the President's National Guard service records.

UN Vote
The United Nations is expected to overwhelmingly vote in favor of forcing Israel to dismantle what the delegates call its "racist, destructive, and unnecessary security fence." Of course those delegates won't begin voting until after they pass through seven security barriers, three metal detectors, and an X-Ray Machine.

Chirac Snubs Sharon
Franco-Israeli relations have hit new lows as French President Jacques Chirac told Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon he was no longer welcome in Paris. It's not because of Israel's political positions; it's just that whenever Sharon comes to France the nation's food reserves hit a dangerous low.

Top 5 Reasons the National Guard is Having Trouble Recruiting

-Most promising recruits continually complain that the troops in Iraq have already done "all the good torturin' "

-"Why I Joined" recruitment video starring Dan Quayle failing to inspire anyone

-Most American men are now getting great private sector jobs thanks to this huge economic recovery... just kidding!

-Even if they do reinstate the draft, all the Bush boys are too old for service anyway

Saudi Funding
After a two-year long fight, Congressman Anthony Weiner finally succeeded in getting the House of Representatives to approve a bill wiping out $25,000 in annual funding to Saudi Arabia. Of course Weiner could have eliminated $25,000 in funding to the Saudis a lot easier simply by not gassing up his SUV for a month.

Intelligence Protest
Several leading politicians in Washington are protesting the 9/11 Commission's call for appointing a new Cabinet-level intelligence chief. Of course, most Americans would settle for simply appointing a person to the cabinet with some intelligence.

Arnold Stamp
Austria is issuing a new postage stamp in honor of Arnold Schwarzenegger. The stamp is really unique because if you're an attractive woman, it licks YOU.

TV Ads
Records show the presidential campaigns are trying to best reach their target voters by advertising on different shows. The Bush campaign is concentrating on cop shows like "Law and Order," the Kerry team is running ads on programs like "The Oprah Winfrey Show," and the Nader campaign is sponsoring re-runs of the "Twilight Zone."

"I Robot" a Hit
The sci-fi thriller "I Robot," starring Will Smith topped the box office with its stunning tale of how stiff, but somewhat lifelike automatons try to take over the world. Of Course, half the people paying to see the film thought it was about the Kerry campaign.

Martha Stewart Sentence
In addition to 5 months in prison, a federal judge sentenced Martha Stewart to an additional 5 months of supervised home confinement. That part of the sentence was immediately appealed as cruel and unusual by the person assigned to supervise her.

Martha Sentence II
After sentencing, Stewart asked Americans to show their support for her by subscribing to her magazine and getting their friends to buy her products. Moments later, recently-sentenced crack dealer "Furious Freddy" Franklin exhorted his supporters to keep buying his products and not go to, "those thugs up on 177th Street."

Cheney Sticking Around
Despite pressure to quit, Dick Cheney is insisting on remaining Vice President. That's because without free government health care, even he couldn't afford all his heart medications.

New Jersey Scandal
A Wealthy Democratic donor in New Jersey has been charged with using a prostitute to blackmail two federal witnesses.

Top 5 Things that Would Have Been More Persuasive than a Hooker for Two New Jersey Residents:

• Bon Jovi box set
  
• 1982 Camaro IROC-Z
  
• Lifetime parking pass at the Hoboken PATH station
  
• 3 pairs of acid wash jeans
  
• Gas mask

Ditka Declines
Mike Ditka has decided not to run for the U.S. Senate. He realized that if he wanted to hang out with a bunch of overpaid idiots, he could just go back to coaching the Bears.

Whale Sighting
There's big excitement in Florida today as marine biologists believe a large whale is headed for the Miami Beach area... but enough about the Shaq trade.

Coke Contest
Coca Cola has a new contest that will use GPS satellite technology to instantly find the person buying the winning can, no matter where he or she is in the world. But Pentagon officials are worried Coke will end up finding Osama bin Laden before they do.

Whoopi Whupped
Slimfast has dropped Whoopi Goldberg as its spokesperson after she made several obscene jokes about Republicans at a Kerry fundraiser. Of course, since Slimfast is a product that promises big results without really working hard, the company should have hired President Bush for that job in the first place.

Kerry Fundraiser Fight
The Bush team is angrily demanding that Democrats hand over a videotape of a Kerry fundraiser where several Hollywood stars used off-color language to viciously bash the President. But the Kerry campaign says if the White House wants footage of a foul-mouthed celebrity who makes the President look bad, all they have to do is tape the "Dennis Miller Show."

Kerry Fundraiser Fight II
The Bush team is angrily demanding that Democrats hand over a videotape of a Kerry fundraiser where several Hollywood stars used off-color language to viciously bash the President. But the Kerry campaign says if the White House wants evidence of a well-known figure with a foul mouth who makes the President look bad, all they have to do is plant a bug in Dick Cheney's Office.

Identity Theft Bill
President Bush will sign a bill banning identity theft later today. But experts aren't sure how effective the new law will be considering it's being backed by a man who's been impersonating a leader for the last 3 1/2 years.

Top 5 Reasons Jenna and Barbara Bush are Now on the Campaign Trail with Dad

-Campaign fundraisers usually have open bars

-Helps hide the fact even they can't get a real job in this economy

-Can learn to make their own booze when visiting all those Red States

-Traveling from state to state every day is the only way to avoid all those annoying college mailings asking for alumni donations

-As long as they're around, at least two people on the campaign staff will be able to read

Democratic Convention Schedule
The Democrats have named their prime time speakers' schedule for their National Convention beginning July 26th. On opening night, the speakers will be Jimmy Carter, Al Gore, and Bill Clinton. Their respective themes will be "Depression, Dementia, and Denial"

Democratic Convention Schedule II
On opening night of the Democratic National Convention the speakers will be Jimmy Carter, Al Gore, and Bill Clinton. That means most NBC viewers will think they're watching a re-run of "Scrubs."

Shark Leniency
The brother of an Australian surfer mauled by a shark is actually begging authorities not to kill the shark... at least not until he gets an answer from 1-800 LAWYERS about whether he can sue the it for $50 million.


Top 5 Reasons Mike Ditka Should Run for the US Senate

-Bears fans deserve to see at least one winner in their lifetimes

-Somebody needs to protect GOP Senators from that bully Hillary Clinton

-Can swap erectile dysfunction medications with Libby Dole

-Thanks to Dick Cheney, he won't have to worry about cleaning up his language when he gets to Capitol Hill

-Now he works for FOX as an announcer; but as a Republican Senator, FOX would be working for HIM!

Same Sex Marriage Bill Debate
Senate Democrats are attacking Republicans for focusing on what they call the "phony issue" of gay marriage while American troops are having their lives threatened in Iraq and Afghanistan. GOP senators quickly reacted by drafting a bill banning gay marriage in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Senate Confusion
Staunch gay marriage opponent Senator Rick Santorum said he was fighting to defend what he called "the basic social building block of our society." His opponents reacted by reminding everyone that they support same-sex marriage, not Prohibition.

Partisan Dating Sites
In the past few months, dozens of online dating sites have launched catering to singles with distinct political leanings. People surfing the GOP sites can expect to get a lot more action since you're always much more likely to get screwed by a Republican.

Nixing Knighthood?
A committee in Britain's House of Commons is recommending the country stop awarding Knighthoods to celebrities and wealthy citizens. But others say the titles boost public service, increase charitable donations, and are the only reason Mick Jagger fathers no more than five illegitimate children per year.

WEB ALERT!!! A new satirical piece I've written has been published on the Enduring Vision web site. Here's the link: EnduringVision


Reagan to Speak
The Democrats will steal some Republican thunder by having the late President Reagan's son Ron speak at their convention to spotlight the need for more stem cell research. And the Republicans will steal some of the Democrats' thunder by having Al Gore and Howard Dean speak at their convention to spotlight the need for better mental healthcare.

Election Day Delay?
U.S. officials have discussed the idea of postponing the election in the event of a terrorist attack on or about election day. The delay shouldn't be too much of an inconvenience because we haven't had a real democracy for the last four years, so why should a few more days make a difference?

Courtney Love Hospitalized
Troubled singer-actress Courtney Love celebrated her 40th birthday on Friday in a New York hospital, where her lawyer says she was being treated for a "gynecological condition"... which of course is the new polite medical term for being "all fucked up."

Ketchup Warning
Conservative groups are warning Americans that they may be supporting John Kerry's agenda and boosting his campaign funds every time they buy Heinz ketchup. Meanwhile, President Bush's fans can support his agenda and add to his campaign funds every time they gas up their car.


Top Fox News Channel Secret Memos Revealed in New "Outfoxed" Documentary

-CNN exclusives can be stolen by using listening devices planted in Aaron Brown's "hair"

-Bill Clinton is allowed on the network, but he MUST be shown to the intern's lounge before going on air

-Use lots of Bush video... not so much audio

-Ted Kennedy is allowed on the network, but he MUST be shown to the liquor cabinet before going on air

-Use lots of Donald Rumsfeld audio... not so much video

-Rush Limbaugh is always welcome on the network, but he MUST NOT be shown to the medicine cabinet before going on air

-No Dick Cheney audio... No Dick Cheney video

New Terror Warning
The Department of Homeland Security says Osama bin Laden may be planning an attack meant to disrupt the Presidential election. But experts say unless bin Laden is planning on passing bad checks at Bush and Kerry fundraisers, our democratic process will not be disrupted in any way.

Newsday Alert!!! I'm the lead joke in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday


Ken Lay Indicted
The man responsible for squandering billions of dollars and losing thousands of jobs was on all the news stations today, insisting he's innocent and asking for the public’s support. And after President Bush finished his campaign speeches, the networks switched to coverage of Ken Lay's indictment in the Enron case.

First Lady's Schedule
First Lady Laura Bush will be busy this week distributing children's books and campaigning for the Bush-Cheney ticket. Of course, Mrs. Bush could promote literacy and help the campaign all at once if she just stayed home and taught her husband to read.

New York Cab Drivers
A new study shows the number of immigrant cab drivers in New York City is actually going up. So apparently there is a number greater than infinity.

Post for Sale
Issues of yesterday's New York Post which incorrectly said that John Kerry chose Dick Gephardt as his running mate are now selling on eBay for about $100 apiece. The only other place to see a huge mistake taking in that much money is a Bush fundraiser.

Kerry Picks Edwards
John Kerry chose fellow Senator John Edwards as his running mate today, but it was still a very difficult choice. That's because when he heard Edwards would help get him votes and had a personal fortune of more than $50 million, Kerry couldn't decide whether to put him on the ticket or marry him.

Post Mistake
The New York Post ran a front page headline today saying John Kerry had chosen Dick Gephardt as his running mate. This was extremely unusual, because normally the Post only prints glaring factual errors on its editorial page.

Brando Dead
The institutions the late Marlon Brando touched the most during his life are all marking his death in special ways. Broadway theaters are dimming their lights, movie studios are taking out tribute ads in the newspapers, and Denny's is making its "All You Can Eat Buffet" half price through the weekend.

Spidey's Take
"Spider-Man 2" took in a record $40.5 million on its opening day Wednesday. But the film's producers are trying to keep that quiet, because when people hear that someone trying to fight crime in New York City made 40 million bucks in just one day they may think the movie is about Mayor Bloomberg.

Hot Tub Warning
The CDC is warning all Americans to be on the look-out for slimy substances in hotel hot tubs that could make you very sick. Luckily, they're not too hard to find; they're the guys usually sitting in the corner of the tub wearing too much cologne.

NEWSDAY ALERT!!!! Two of my jokes are in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Saddam Arraigned
Now that the world has seen Saddam Hussein again, there are many questions to be answered. Arabs want to know if the trial will be fair, Europeans want to know if the death penalty will be carried out, and all the American journalists are just dying to know how he lost all that weight!

Fake Viagra
Investigators have found several pharmacies carrying counterfeit Viagra that apparently had no affect on any of its users. There is no real health risk, but if the problem becomes more widespread it could shut down Congress for weeks.


SPECIAL BREAKING NEWS!!!! FULL TRANSCRIPT OF SADDAM'S ARRAIGNMENT

JUDGE: Please identify yourself.

SADDAM: I am Saddam Hussein, the President of Iraq. Who are you?

JUDGE: I am the investigating judge of the Central Court of Iraq

SADDAM: What law formed this court? Who appointed you?

JUDGE: Um... well, actually I'm really just a cab driver. The Americans asked me to preside over this thing because they found me on my break watching back-to-back episodes of "Law on Order" on TBS at the satellite TV cafe.

SADDAM: That show sucks.

JUDGE: Oh come on! It's not bad, I'll admit it's a little formulaic. You know, it's always the second guy the cops question who ends up being the one who did it. But all those Assistant D.A.'s on the show usually have nice legs.

SADDAM: Can I continue?

JUDGE: Sure, I'm sorry go ahead.

SADDAM: I am still the president of Iraq, the coalition forces had no right to remove me from power. This court has no authority over me. I was duly elected.

JUDGE: Well, that's true, even I voted for you. I really liked those bumper stickers your guys gave out, I used them as blinds after the first bombings ruined my window treatments last year.

SADDAM: That's very innovative.

JUDGE: Anyway, just answer the charges now, then you'll get a lawyer.

SADDAM: Is that Geragos guy available?

JUDGE: I think he's busy with the Scott Peterson case now. That guy is like so guilty, but I'm not sure they're going to get him.

SADDAM: He's not Jewish is he?

JUDGE: Who, Geragos or Peterson?

SADDAM: Geragos.

JUDGE: I don't think so. Anyway, you should just answer these charges now. I'm just investigating you. This is an interrogation.

SADDAM: Well this is some investigation you got going here, let me tell you. And if this is an interrogation, where are all the dogs and that American army chick who looks like Bobby Brady after they gave him that bad blonde dye job?

JUDGE: They sent her home, she's getting court martialed.

SADDAM: That's a tough break. She wasn't so bad.

JUDGE: Anyway... you're going to get a lawyer, and you'll have the right to argue the evidence.

SADDAM: Can you lend me a quarter to use the phone to call my lawyers?

JUDGE: No, the phones haven't been working since last year, the Americans say they're working on it.

SADDAM: Bastards! Okay, what about a cell phone? You cabbies are always on one of those.

JUDGE: Sorry, my batteries are low, besides I can't get a signal! Just sign these papers and then you're dismissed

SADDAM: Oh no, I'm not signing anything. Last time I did that, someone changed my long distance service to IDT or some crappy company I never heard of.

JUDGE: Yeah, that's a bummer. But just sign you are being so difficult.

SADDAM: I know you are, but what am I?

JUDGE: What?

SADDAM: I know you are, but what am I?

JUDGE: You're dismissed