NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com with TWO jokes! Here's the link: Newsday

Comair Crash
Investigators say Comair flight 5191 crashed Sunday in part because the lone air traffic controller at the airport wasn't watching the jet. He was probably too busy checking everyone for shampoo in their carry on bags.

Comair Crash II
It appears an overworked air traffic controller was the cause of Sunday's Comair crash. Apparently the Lexington airport is staffed by the same people who planned the war in Iraq.

Stevens Holds Bill
Senator Ted Stevens has placed a hold on a bill that would require the government to publish online a database of federal spending. Stevens doesn't think the information will be safe if we allow it to travel through all those tubes.

Karr's Flight
JonBenet Ramsey murder suspect John Mark Karr received the royal treatment on his flight to Los Angeles; sitting in business class, sipping champagne and eating a gourmet meal. The only people paying better attention to him are the people at CNN.

Couric Airbrushed
Incoming CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric is under scrutiny after a network promotional magazine used digital airbrushing to trim 20 pounds off her frame. It's an embarrassing incident, but at least this will help Couric handle less important issues like terrorism and the economy when she starts anchoring next week.

Couric Airbrushed II
Incoming CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric is under scrutiny after a network promotional magazine photo used digital airbrushing to trim 20 pounds off her frame. Apparently the touch-ups were done by the same people who prepared all of Dan Rather's memos.

California Emissions
The California state assembly has voted to impose a limit on all greenhouse emissions in the state. They're going to start by charging $3-a-gallon for gas... oops!

California Emissions II
The California state assembly has voted to impose a limit on all greenhouse gas emissions in the state. That'll show those terrorists we mean business!

Storm Watch Over
A hurricane watch has been lifted for all of Florida after meteorologists determined that Tropical Storm Ernesto's DNA was not a match for the samples found at the JohnBenet crime scene.

Top 5 Signs Things are Getting Better in New Orleans

5) The number one cause of death is no longer drowning, it's back to being "bad gumbo"... just like usual

4) Crime is down now that all the local and out-of-town thugs realize there's nothing left to steal

3) Getting the Saints back in the Superdome has only cost $100 million of the public's money, not $200 million!

2) Mayor Nagin hasn't said anything crazy in three hours!

1) At least this time, the people of New Orleans know the TV reporters will be gone by the weekend

Bush-Ahmadinejad Debate
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has challenged President George W. Bush to a live television debate. The winner will be the first person who can correctly pronounce the word "nuclear" in English.

Bush-Ahmadinejad Debate II
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has challenged President George W. Bush to a live television debate. Most Americans wouldn't know whom to root for.

Bush-Ahmadinejad Debate III
The White House called Iran's offer to debate Bush a "diversion" from international concerns over Iran's nuclear program. Iran calls the White House's refusal to debate a diversion from international concerns over the fact that New Orleans is still in ruins.

Gonzales in Iraq
U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is in Iraq to meet with American State Department officials, but he's really looking forward to seeing all the former aides to Saddam Hussein who taught him everything he knows about illegal wiretapping.

Penn Prof Busted
L. Scott Ward, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania's Wharton School of Business, has been arrested for the third time in 11 years on child sex charges. One more pedophilia arrest, and he'll be forced to transfer to Yale.

Karr Cleared
Thanks to DNA evidence, it is now clear that John Mark Karr did not murder JonBenet Ramsey or ever even know her. This makes Karr the pedophile world's equivalent of the high school loser who claims to have slept with the head cheerleader.

Karr Cleared II
Experts say Karr boasted about killing JonBenet to fulfill a sick pedophilia-based fantasy that he really knew her. Okay, that explains Karr, but what's CNN's excuse?

Karr Cleared III
Karr still could face child pornography charges... as should every news media outlet that's overblown this story for the past two weeks.

Karr Cleared IV
Thanks to DNA evidence, it is now clear that John Mark Karr did not murder JonBenet Ramsey or ever even know her. But now Karr would like to take responsibility for every crime Michael Jackson's been accused of since 1993.

Church and State Lie
Rep. Katherine Harris told a religious newspaper in Florida that the "separation of Church and state in America is a lie." And she ought to know, because when she let George W. Bush win Florida in 2000, she made a personal deal with Satan.

Obama Welcomed
As he visits his father's homeland, Kenyans are greeting Illinois Senator Barak Obama with open arms. It's all part of an ancient African tradition of honoring future failed Democratic Vice Presidential nominees.

Mason Sues Jews for Jesus
Jackie Mason has filed a lawsuit against "Jews for Jesus" for using his name and likeness to recruit new members in a pamphlet. Mason would have a good case if it weren't for the fact that most Jews are more tired of his act than they are of "Jews for Jesus."

Raiders Sign George
The Oakland Raiders signed Jeff George to a contract Monday, bringing back a player who hasn't thrown an NFL pass in five seasons. It's a strange move, if the Raiders really wanted a washed-up former top draft choice, they could have at least signed a younger has-been like Ryan Leaf!

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com with TWO jokes! Here's the link: Newsday

Pluto Not a Planet
Astronomers have now voted to strip Pluto of its designation as a planet, saying it's too small. In response to the news, real estate values on Pluto have crashed.

Pluto Not a Planet II
Astronomers have now voted to strip Pluto of its designation as a planet. In response, Pluto's supporters are petitioning the United Nations for sanctions against Israel.

Pluto Not a Planet III
Pluto is no longer a planet. This is a development shocking experts who thought the Galactic Empire would find Pluto too remote to make an effective display of the Death Star's destructive abilities.

Pluto Not a Planet IV
Astronomers have now voted to strip Pluto of its designation as a planet, and now it's basically just a big lifeless rock in space... kind of like Arkansas.

Apple Recall
Apple is recalling 1.8 million battery packs for its notebook computers. Apple has received nine reports of batteries overheating, two reports of minor burns, and 30,000 reports of teenagers who thought they were being punished for looking at Internet porn.

French Peacekeepers
France is sending an extra 1,600 troops to the United Nations peacekeeping force for Lebanon. The French troops will help Lebanese civilians get back to their homes, clear debris, and teach everyone how to blame everything on Israel.

French Peacekeepers II
France initially offered only to send 400 troops to Lebanon, disappointing many United Nations diplomats who had expected the French to provide the backbone of the mission... yeah, you see they forgot that "France" and "backbone" never go together.

Lynch Pregnant
Jessica Lynch, the former prisoner of war in Iraq, is pregnant. Well, at least now we know she's been screwed by somebody other than the U.S. Army.

Bomb Plant Explosions
A series of explosions and a fire at a plant where military bombs are recycled forced the evacuation of more than 1,000 people from nearby schools and a jail in Louisiana. Wow, explosions at a bomb plant... what are the chances?!?

Bomb Plant Explosions II
A series of explosions and a fire at a plant where military bombs are recycled forced the evacuation of more than 1,000 people from nearby schools and a jail in Louisiana. I realize there are dangers involved, but thank goodness for places like this, because you hate to see people throwing away perfectly good bombs.

Barlow's Comparison
Following his trade from the 49ers, New York Jets running back Kevan Barlow is likening San Francisco Head Coach Mike Nolan to Adolf Hitler. Of course that kind of comparison is ridiculous, Hitler had a much better defense.

Top 5 Adolf Hitler Football Coaching Innovations

5) The Blitz

4) Desperation pass with no time left, (AKA the "Heil Hitler")

3) Shotgun formation

2) Eliminating all Jews from pro football, (still in effect today)

1) The Suicide play

Bush Meeting
President Bush had a special meeting in the Oval Office today with Katrina survivor Rockey Vaccarella of Meraux, Louisiana. Before today, Mr. Bush had not known any of the storm's victims were white.

Flight Turned Around
A Northwest Airlines flight from Amsterdam to India was called back to Holland after Dutch police say 12 passengers on the plane exhibited "unusual behvaior for airline travelers"... yeah, they looked happy.

Karr Hearing
JohnBenet Ramsey murder suspect John Mark Karr agreed to waive extradition during a hearing Tuesday in Los Angeles. During the hearing he also pleaded guilty to the JFK assassination, the Lindbergh baby kidnapping, and planning 9/11.

Top 5 Unsolicited Things John Mark Karr Said to Police Officers Today

5) "You're not going to believe this, but I like being on TV."

4) "Do you guys have any kids?"

3) "After this, I want to help O.J. look for the real killers."

2) "I don't care what you do to me, just don't make me listen to Paris Hilton's new CD"

1) "You've all been punked!"

Paramount Dumps Tom
Paramount Pictures is ending its 14-year relationship with Tom Cruise's film production company, citing the actor's offscreen behavior. Paramount suggested Cruise act more appropriately in public... kind of like Mel Gibson.

Paramount Dumps Tom II
Paramount Pictures is ending its 14-year relationship with Tom Cruise's film production company, citing the actor's offscreen behavior. This should teach every famous actor that when you kidnap an actress and force her to have your baby, you should plan to keep a slightly lower profile.

IRS Outsourcing
The IRS is considering hiring outside firms to collect tax money from American citizens. Of course, richer Americans have always had the option of giving their tax money to an outside collector, otherwise known as the Republican Party.

IRS Outsourcing II
The bad news is the IRS may outsource the job of collecting taxes. The good news is you might be able to convince the collector to reduce your bill if you learn to speak Hindi.

Criminals in Transit
Most Americans are still shocked that a sleazy criminal was pampered during an international flight to the United States... but enough about what goes on Air Force One.

Woman Teacher Fired
The First Baptist Church in Watertown, New York has dismissed a female Sunday school teacher after adopting a literal Bible translation that prohibits women from teaching men. The congregation is also changing its name to the First Taliban Church of Watertown.

Party School Rankings
The University of Texas was voted "top party school" again this year. But the designation is really confusing most of the students there who had absolutely no idea UT was actually a school.

Top 5 Boston Red Sox Excuses

5) Most of team still drunk from 2004 World Series celebrations

4) Smell of steak tips grilling outside Fenway just too distracting

3) Still can't get over Johnny Damon without all the hair

2) Theo Epstein does kinda look like that creep they arrested for killing JohnBenet

1) After all, George Steinbrenner is Satan

AOL Chief Axed
AOL announced the resignation of its chief technology officer today, after members of its research staff released hundreds of thousands of its customers’ personal Web search queries. Of course the number one search query was: "How do I cancel AOL?"

Snakes on Plane Box Office
Despite huge buzz, the new movie, "Snakes on a Plane" was a box office disappointment this weekend. Audiences found that a plane filled with deadly snakes is still not as scary as having to stand in the security line at the airport.

Top 5 Scarier Movie Titles than Snakes on a Plane

5) Flies in My Soup

4) Fingers in Your Nose

3) Elbows on the Table

2) Smokers in a Restaurant

1) Crabs in My Pants

U.N. Bashes Israel
Israel is being criticized for attacking several trucks in Lebanon filled with weapons headed to Hezbollah. The U.N. angrily reminded Israel that disarming Hezbollah was it's job... but as long as the Israelis were doing the U.N.'s work, it was wondering if they would pay their New York City parking tickets too.

Karr Here
JonBenet Ramsey murder suspect John Mark Karr has arrived in Los Angeles after a flight in business class from Thailand. Karr's flight would have arrived sooner, but he kept asking to be frisked again at the security check.

COMIC STRIP ALERT!!!
The latest installment of my comic strip SCHMOOZE OR LOSE is up on the website, click here: Schmooze or lose

Then click on the "comics" icon on the top of the page after the opening animation plays out to see all the strips.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com. Here's the link: Newsday

JohnBenet Suspect
Boulder police say they arrested John Mark Karr for the JonBenet Ramsey murder in part because he was "obsessed with the case." Well, I guess they're going to be rounding up everyone at CNN any day now.

Karr Alibi?
Karr's ex-wife says she was with him at the time of the murders and couldn't possibly have killed JohnBenet. Of course, that's the word of a woman who didn't even realize she was married to a pedophile for years.

Wiretapping Ruling
A federal judge has ruled that the U.S. government's domestic eavesdropping program is unconstitutional and ordered it ended immediately. To save face, the Bush administration is begging the British to arrest some more terror suspects right away.

Top 5 Signs Your Government is Running an Illegal Wiretapping Program

5) The only "experts" defending the program are the actors from "Boston Legal"

4) The White House is claiming it helped nab that weirdo in the JohnBenet case

3) The only calls getting monitored are to suspected al Qaeda terrorists and Democratic party fundraisers

2) The Attorney General keeps saying: "Warrants? We don't need no stinking warrants!"

1) President Bush thinks it's a good idea

Mel DUI Deal
Mel Gibson has reached a plea deal in connection with his drunken driving arrest. As part of the plea bargain he must attend one year's worth of AA meetings... at Temple Sinai.

Osment Charges
18-year old Haley Joel Osment faces up to six months in jail on charges of driving drunk and possessing marijuana. But he does deserve special kudos for making the "child star to dangerous criminal" turnaround in record time.

Tobacco Ruling
A federal judge has ruled that the nation's top cigarette makers violated racketeering laws, deceiving the public for years about the health hazards of smoking. The companies may now be forced to pay the government billions in fines... or just increase their donations to the Republican party.

JonBenet Arrest
A 41-year-old man has been arrested for the 1996 murder of six-year-old JonBenet Ramsey. The arrest could finally solve the mysterious killing and get the American news media to shut the Hell up about it from now on.

JonBenet Arrest II
A 41-year-old American man living in Thailand has been arrested for the 1996 murder of six-year-old JonBenet Ramsey. The news ruins the Bush administration's plans to blame the killing on al Qaeda.

JonBenet Arrest III
A 41-year-old American man living in Thailand has been arrested for the 1996 murder of six-year-old JonBenet Ramsey. The arrest really puts all those silly little stories we've been obsessed with like 9/11, the war in Iraq, and the Darfur genocide, in the proper perspective.

Prince Harry Groping
Britain's The Sun tabloid, has apologized for printing three-year-old pictures of Prince Harry groping a woman in a nightclub... the paper is very sorry for not making a bigger deal about this three years ago.

Flight Diverted
Two fighter jets escorted a London-to-Washington flight to an emergency landing in Boston after passengers said an odd-looking woman in a jogging suit was pacing up and down the aisles incoherently mutterings something about Pakistan... Seriously, when are we going to stop letting Christianne Amanpour fly?

Top 5 Things You Never Want to Hear on a Transatlantic Flight

5) "My Gatorade kind of tastes like nitroglycerin."

4) "Oh look, the in-flight movie is 'The Dukes of Hazzard!'"

3) "We weren't allowed to bring liquids on the flight, so do you mind if I breastfeed my husband at my seat?"

2) "I got your snake on a plane right here baby."

1) "I think Mike Wallace is interviewing the pilot in the cockpit."

Carroll's Story
Former American hostage Jill Carroll says her Iraqi captors controlled every aspect of her videotaped pleas for help, from what she wore to whether she would cry. I guess now we know where all those soap opera directors go when they can't get work in the U.S.

Katrina Ruling
A federal judge has ruled that most insurance companies will not have to compensate victims of Hurricane Katrina for flood damage. The White House is hoping the same judge will rule that it didn't have to do anything about the storm either.

NASA Tapes Missing
NASA says it has lost the original tapes of the Apollo 11 moon landing. To make matters worse, all the Hollywood special effects guys who made the tapes in the first place are missing too.

Ford Hospitalized
Former President Gerald Ford is back in the hospital for the third time this year. This time, Ford is vowing to stay in the hospital until they can find someone in America who cares about him.

Ford Hospitalized II
Former President Gerald Ford is back in the hospital for the third time this year. He has now spent more time in intensive care than he did in the White House.

Hooker Ring
Two California men have been arrested on suspicion of running a massive prostitution ring that employed more than 240 women. The only prostitution ring with more employees is the U.S. Congress.

Madonna In Trouble?
German prosecutors could charge Madonna with a crime if she repeats the mock crucifixion scene in her concert in Duesseldorf this weekend. But Madonna only needs to be worried if the scene is accompanied by a cartoon about Muhammad.

Immigrant Populations Rising
New data shows that the nation's immigrant population is rising and newcomers to the U.S. are choosing to live in every part of the country... except in the areas close to Lou Dobbs' house.

Immigrant Populations Rising II
New data shows that every state in the Union has an increasing number of foreign immigrants, except for West Virginia. That's because if millions of suffering Africans, Asians, and Arabs wanted to live with toothless, unwashed, and uneducated people, they could just stay home.

Suggs Trade Voided
Running back Lee Suggs is heading back to Cleveland after he failed his medical exam, voiding a trade to the New York Jets. Team doctors say there was nothing physically wrong with Suggs, he just wasn't mentally ill enough to play for the Jets.

Refugees Return
Now that a cease fire is in place, hundreds of thousands of civilians are returning to South Lebanon... or as Hezbollah calls them: reinforcements.

Bush on Hezbollah
President Bush says Hezbollah "suffered a defeat" in the war with Israel... but only because those Pakistani guys in London stole their thunder.

More Rockets
About 10 rockets were fired inside southern Lebanon late Monday. Experts say Hezbollah fired the rockets because the cease fire agreement they signed doesn't say anything about them ceasing to get Lebanese civilians killed.

Wallace Interviews Ahmadinejad
Millions watched Mike Wallace interview Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on 60 Minutes Sunday night... well, Wallace wasn't interviewing him as much as he was asking him for a date.

Wallace Interview II
60 Minutes correspondent Mike Wallace says he was really taken aback by how "smart and attractive" Ahmadinejad was... apparently, the interview was arranged by eHarmony.com.

Costner Field of Dreams
Actor Kevin Costner returned to the famous "Field of Dreams" in Iowa this weekend. It was all part of a tour sponsored by Netflix, where actors return to the locations of their most popular films, and also try to find exactly where it is that they lost their talent.

Barbaro Recovery
Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro is now taking daily outings outside his intensive-care stall to pick his own grass, stretch his recovering legs, and go on TV to blame Israel for his injuries.

NEW AIRPORT SECURITY RULES!!! (What to expect if you're traveling by air in the coming months)

Personal Products I

If you’re an American traveler with 15 cans of deodorant in your carry-on luggage; expect to be detained by security

If you’re a Pakistani traveler who knows what deodorant is; expect to be detained by security

Baby Formula

If you’re a regular American traveler with a baby, you’ll have to drink a little of the baby’s milk or formula in front of security screeners to prove it's real.

If you’re Michael Jackson, you’ll have to use something else to seduce your potential boyfriends.

Nail Clippers

Bringing nail clippers in your carry-on luggage is no longer prohibited,

But anyone caught using their nail clippers while sitting on a flight, will be sent directly to Gitmo.

Special Exceptions

Certain celebrities and political leaders will be allowed to bring liquids on flights.

But if you're Patrick Kennedy or Mel Gibson, you will never again be allowed to travel with liquids by air, train, or car.

AND IN OTHER NEWS...

Winding Down Mideast War
In the final hours before the agreed-to cease fire, both Israel and Hezbollah are firing off more rockets and missiles at one another than at any time during the war. Apparently, this war is being planned by the guys who do the Macy's 4th of July fireworks show.

Hezbollah Decision
Despite his group's objections to the cease fire deal, Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah says his ministers in the Lebanese cabinet voted for it "in a spirit of national unity"... with Iran.

Israeli Conditions
Israel says it will not pull out of Lebanon until a potent U.N. peacekeeping force arrives. Of course, the whole world's been waiting to see a potent U.N. peacekeeping force since 1945.

White House Arrest
A 32-year-old Muslim woman wielding a machete was arrested Sunday outside the White House. At first she was not under suspicion, because she only had a machete and not a bottle of hair gel and sports drinks.

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

COMIC STRIP ALERT!!!
The latest installment of my comic strip SCHMOOZE OR LOSE is up on the website, click here: Schmooze or lose

Then click on the "comics" icon on the top of the page after the opening animation plays out to see all the strips.

TERROR ARRESTS IN LONDON-JET PLOT FOILED

Experts believe this was either a serious terror plot or a really good publicity stunt for Snakes on a Plane!

British police suspect a Heathrow Airport employee may have been the ringleader in the plot, confirming what travelers have known for years: airport workers are ALL terrorists!

Due to the nature of the new threat airlines are prohibiting any liquids, hair gels, and body lotions from being carried on airplanes... Star Jones may never fly again.

New safety measures are being imposed in the wake of these arrests. Airline passengers will no longer be able to bring along sports drinks, gels, or anyone named Muhammad.

Passengers will now be frisked, patted down, and forced to have an enema before boarding any international flights.

President Bush said the arrests are a "stark reminder" that the U.S. is "at war with Islamic fascists." But they are apparently not stark enough to get him to end his vacation.

In response to the arrests, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered the National Guard to airports in his state... and asked Lou Dobbs to watch the border in the meantime.

Increased security means airline passengers around the country should show up at least two hours early for all domestic flights, three hours for international flights, and if you're planning on flying to Heathrow anytime this year, you're already too late.

The terror plot arrests sent oil prices tumbling as speculators believe there will be less air travel. U.S. motorists are now rooting for more terror plots.

HUMOR BLOGGING THE WAR IN ISRAEL, Thursday August 10th

The U.S. and France have agreed on the main points of a resolution to end fighting between Israel and Hezbollah. The two sides came to an agreement mostly because no one actually consulted with Israel of Hezbollah.

Avi Dichter, a senior Israeli cabinet minister, said the timing of a broader offensive in Lebanon “depends to a great extent on what is happening now in New York.” So does that mean we root for or against the Mets?

Israeli jets again dropped leaflets over Southern Lebanon, warning residents to abandon their homes. But this time the reason given was rising mortgage interest rates.

AND IN OTHER NEWS...

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes say they will soon release pictures of their daughter Suri. They just need to find that guy from Reuters to photoshop up some pictures from scratch.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com. Here's the link: Newsday

AND MY LOVELY WIFE ADAR HAD HER LETTER TO THE EDITOR PUBLISHED HERE: Letter to the Editor


(Here is the link to horrible editorial Adar was writing about: Editorial

HUMOR BLOGGING THE WAR IN ISRAEL, Wednesday August 9th

French President Jacques Chirac says he will not push for Hezbollah to get out of Lebanon. That's not a surprise coming from someone who isn't even pushing to get Hezbollah out of France.

French President Jacques Chirac says "the most immoral of solutions would be to give up on an immediate cease-fire"... so, France is giving up on an immediate cease-fire.

Top 10 French Middle East Peace Proposals

10) Build cushy, soft, and delicious buffer between Israel and Lebanon: "The Marzipan Line"

9) Lull combatants into deep sleep with 4 1/2 hour French movie filed mostly with scenes where nobody talks

8) Blame everything on Alfred Dreyfuss, (hey, it worked once!)

7) Distract everyone in the region by proposing the end of guaranteed jobs and pensions

6) Send in their most revered peace envoy: Jerry Lewis

5) Offer to re-settle West Bank Arabs on the Left Bank... oh wait, they're already there

4) Keep Hezbollah aggressions in check with steady diet of vintage wine and cheese

3) Just hand everything over to Germany, (hey they tried it once!)

2) Delight Israelis and Arabs alike by evicting Suha Arafat from her multi-million dollar Paris apartment

1) Tell everyone to run away


AND IN OTHER NEWS...

Robin Williams Rehab
Actor/comedian Robin Williams is seeking treatment for alcoholism. Before checking himself to rehab, Williams was heard ranting about how "f**king Mel Gibson has caused all the wars in the world."

Robin Williams Rehab II
Actor Robin Williams is seeking treatment for alcoholism. Williams started drinking again to cope with the fact that the only roles he plays these days are creepy serial killers.

Clarett Busted
Police found former Ohio State star Maurice Clarett carrying four loaded guns and wearing a bullet-proof vest after a highway chase in Columbus last night. Clarett explained he needed the guns and vest because he was on his way to a meeting with his agent.

Burstyn Nomination
Ellen Burstyn has been nominated for a best supporting actress Emmy for a 14-second, two-line performance in an HBO movie. Usually to get so much recognition for so little work you have to be a Congressman.

HUMOR BLOGGING THE WAR IN ISRAEL, Tuesday August 8th

Israeli Army leaders are now preparing for a major escalation of the ground war in Lebanon. Hezbollah's leaders are responding by checking on hotel availability in Tehran.

The Arab League is rejecting the cease fire deal put together by the U.S. and France. But the League will accept the deal in return for a primetime TV contract and a terrorist to be named later.

The Arab League says it will not accept any cease fire deal until Israel fully withdraws... to Brooklyn.

Israeli police arrested 12 protesters who blocked the entrance to an Israeli air force base today. The protesters suddenly agreed to be taken into custody when given the choice to go to jail or continue their demonstration within range of the Katyusha rockets.

Top 5 Reasons Americans are Upset about the Middle East

5) It's hard to admit the Bush Administration is right about something.. even if it is just one thing

4) The fighting is totally ruining our plans to go to Beirut for Labor Day weekend

3) All this war is keeping Anderson Cooper from more important things like interviewing Angelina Jolie

2) "Mr. Roper" Norman Fell died before he could ever portray Yasser Arafat in a network TV movie

1) Gas is $3.50-a-gallon; we're upset about everything

AND IN OTHER NEWS...

Army Theme Park
The Pentagon is considering building a Army theme park. Tickets will be $15,000 per day and sodas will sell for $1,385.68.

BP's Leaky Pipe
After major leaks were found in BP's Alaskan pipeline, the company is snapping into action by spending millions of dollars on another ad campaign telling people how environmentally friendly it is.

Alaskan Drilling
In response to the BP problems, Congress is again calling for oil drilling in the Alaskan Wildlife Reserve. In response, the local Caribou have joined Islamic Jihad.

HUMOR BLOGGING THE WAR IN ISRAEL, Monday August 7th

The Lebanese army is reportedly ready to head to the southern border with Israel. If the world is very very lucky, their main responsibility will be to protect BBC reporters.

Top 5 Signs You're Looking at a "Photoshopped" Reuters Picture

5) Every war picture uses the same smoke from the 2004 Papal conclave

4) The "Hitler-style" moustache on President Bush doesn't match his other hair color

3) It's an image of French people doing something good

2) Fangs on Israeli terror victims look a little larger than the rest of their teeth

1) The pictures were taken by anybody named Aymin, Osama, or Hassan


Israel has bombed a crowded street in Southern Lebanon. Today's scheduled anti-American and anti-Semitic protests on that street will have to be postponed.

The strike hit a building near a mosque in the upscale southern suburb of Shiyah. You can always tell it's a richer Muslim neighborhood when everyone has the hardback edition of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion.

Video of the scene of today's attack aired on Lebanese TV, showing rescuers digging for survivors in the rubble of the collapsed building. But it's not clear if that was new video, or the doctored "stock rubble footage" from Reuters.

Anti-Israel sentiment is running wild across the Arab world and fueling support for Hezbollah. But applications are still scarce for Hezbollah's "early martyrdom program."

AND IN OTHER NEWS...

Tour de France champion Floyd Landis was planning yo claim that some kind of "secret conspiracy" is the reason behind his failed drug tests... but didn't Mel Gibson just use that excuse?

Paris Hilton says she is sick of boyfriends and is going celibate. Now why couldn't her mother have been so wise?

A new study shows that teens whose iPods are full of music with raunchy, sexual lyrics start having sex sooner than those who prefer other songs. The study also showed that kids who listen to Yanni will never have sex.

HUMOR BLOGGING THE WAR IN ISRAEL, Sunday August 6th

Hezbollah is rejecting out of hand a cease fire proposal drawn up by the U.S. and France. Hezbollah isn't able to accept the part where at lease one Israeli has to be left alive to sign the deal.

Hezbollah mortars struck the U.N. headquarters at Henniye, Lebanon, wounding three Chinese U.N. peacekeepers. Kofi Annan is blaming Israel.

AND IN OTHER NEWS...

Will Ferrell's comedy Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby took in $47 million to win the weekend box office race. Half of the people who saw the movie thought that Ferrell's character was a real racer... of course NASCAR fans also think racing is a real sport.

COMIC STRIP ALERT!!!
The latest installment of my comic strip SCHMOOZE OR LOSE is up on the website, click here: Schmooze or lose

Then click on the "comics" icon on the top of the page after the opening animation plays out to see all the strips.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com with not one but TWO jokes! (And yes, the first one is about Mel Gibson) Here's the link: Newsday

HUMOR BLOGGING THE WAR IN ISRAEL, Thursday August 3rd

Israeli warplanes have dropped leaflets over several neighborhoods in the Beirut area warning residents to leave "for your own safety." But if they leave, how will they ever get to cry on TV?

Hezbollah leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah went on TV today to tell the Israelis that his group will continue to launch rockets because Israel is attacking "our towns and villages"... which is a weird thing for him to say, because Israel hasn't attacked Iran.

Experts say Nasrallah's call for a cease fire is because Hezbollah needs time to re-arm, regroup, and rest up for some more interviews on the BBC.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad again called for the destruction of Israel Thursday, but short of that, he says there should be an immediate cease fire. U.N. leaders are welcoming Ahmadinejad's statements because he clearly has everyone's best interests in mind.

AND IN OTHER NEWS...

CBS News reporter Kimberly Dozier, who was seriously injured in a May 29 attack in Iraq, was released from the Hospital Thursday. But she'll probably have to be re-admitted when she learns that Katie Couric got the anchor job.

The heat wave continued in much of the U.S. Thursday with temperarures soaring into the upper 90's... but the humidity made it feel like you were a member of Hezbollah.

AND NOW...

I'd like to help Mel Gibson find out for sure if he is an Anti-Semite. So in the tradition of Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might be a Redneck if..." I now present,


You Might be an Anti-Semite if...

You loved Schindler's List, but hated Exodus

You think civilians killed in Lebanon are tragic victims but civilians killed in Israel had it coming

While on trial for hate crimes you seek out the best lawyers, then refuse to pay them... because they're Jews

You think the Jews control all the Banks and the Communist Party

You deny the Holocaust ever happened, but think Hitler really had a good reason to kill those Jews anyway

You think Seinfeld is too Jewish, but America's Most Wanted isn't Jewish enough

The only foreign words you know are "Seig Heil"

Even though oil companies, insurance companies, organized labor, and 12 other groups make more campaign donations, you believe the pro-Israel lobby is the most powerful in Washington

You think the New York Times is too pro-Israel and al Jazeera isn't anti-Israel enough

You think the United Nations is an effective and fair voice of morality

You think it's called "jewelry" because the "Jews have all the money"

Despite the fact that it's made Iran much stronger, you still think the U.S. invaded Iraq for Israel

You don't drink Budweiser because it "sounds Jewish"

You refer to the Evening News as the "Evening Jews"

HUMOR BLOGGING THE WAR IN ISRAEL, Wednesday August 2nd

Depeche Mode has decided to cancel its upcoming concert in Tel Aviv, citing the recent war in the Middle East... which is weird because all of Depeche Mode's songs are about suicide and death anyway.

Israel's military has released a video showing that a hospital it raided overnight in Lebanon was actually a terrorist headquarters. That's no surprise, most hospitals in America are terror headquarters too.

Human rights activists are protesting Israel's raid on a Hezbollah hospital in Baalbeck Tuesday. They're furious the Israeli army interrupted the medical center's free female circumcision program.

One of the 215 rockets Hezbollah fired into Israel today actually landed in the Arab-controlled section of the West Bank. Hezbollah finally realizes dead Arabs make Israel look bad, no matter who's responsible.

AND IN OTHER NEWS...

Mel Gibson has been formally charged with DUI. During the hearing, Gibson admitted he was driving drunk, but only because he felt it was safer than letting Lindsay Lohan take him home.

Tropical Storm Chris is sweeping through the eastern Caribbean and headed for Cuba. But Chris is not expected to turn into a hurricane until the Middle East fighting quiets down and CNN can give it the coverage it deserves.

Tropical Storm Chris is slowly gaining power in the Caribbean. The news has sent Miami's Cuban community back into the streets celebrating the storm they think will finally finish off a weakened Fidel Castro.

It was so hot today that cyclist Floyd Landis tested positive for freon.

Saratoga Race Course canceled all nine of its horse races Wednesday because of the heat and humidity. The shutdown forced gamblers to bet on whether they could find anything else to do in Saratoga.

HUMOR BLOGGING THE WAR IN ISRAEL, Tuesday August 1st

Israeli troops have stormed a hospital in the Eastern Lebanese town of Baalbek, where Hezbollah operatives are convalescing after a long hard weekend filled with scripted wailing on TV.

Hezbollah says reports that Israeli commandos managed to snatch some patients from the Baalbeck hospital and spirit them away in helicopters are untrue. Nobody gets out of a hospital without paying their bill.

AND IN OTHER NEWS...

Castro Condition
Cuba says Fidel Castro has survived intestinal surgery, but it gave few details about his condition. Of course in Cuba, the only thing more closely guarded than information about Castro's health is the secret hiding place where they keep the nation's three rolls of soft toilet paper.

EXCLUSIVE! MEL GIBSON'S ORIGINAL STATEMENT TO THE PRESS:

Statement from Mel Gibson

There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who thinks or expresses any kind of anti-Semitic remark. Unless they're said by your saintly father who's always been right about everything else, so you can forgive a little Holocaust denial, and don't ask me to bad mouth him... ever! He's my father dammit!

Anyway, I want to apologize specifically to everyone in the Jewish community for the vitriolic and harmful words that I said to a law enforcement officer the night I was arrested on a DUI charge. Notice I didn't say I was drunk. I just said that I was "arrested on a DUI charge." So that means my lawyers, (some of whom look pretty Jewish to me), and I aren't admitting that I did anything illegal, got that?

Now for the things I said. Sure, they're no different than the kind of stuff you hear on the BBC every night, and it's not like I bombed any civilians in Lebanon or anything. But I can see that people are upset.

I am a public person, and when I say something, either articulated and thought out, or blurted out in a moment of insanity, my words carry weight in the public arena. In other words, I am God. I made a nutty little movie in Aramaic for God sake and it still broke every box office record ever! As a result, I must assume personal responsibility for my words and apologize directly to those who have been hurt and offended by those words, over-sensitive pussies that they are.

The tenets of what I profess to believe necessitate that I exercise charity and tolerance as a way of life. Every human being is God's child, and if I wish to honor my God I have to honor his children. But please know from my heart that I am not an anti-Semite. I am not a bigot. Hatred of any kind goes against my faith. In other words, I'm not anti-Jewish, I'm just pro-Scotch.

I'm not just asking for forgiveness. I would like to take it one step further, and meet with leaders in the Jewish community, with whom I can have a one on one discussion to discern the appropriate path for healing. But I sure hope that the leaders of the Jewish community are made of better stuff than the Jewish studio execs I usually deal with. Those people could make a Nazi out of Mother Teresa.

I have begun an ongoing program of recovery and what I am now realizing is that I cannot do it alone. I am in the process of understanding where those vicious words came from during that drunken display, and I am asking the Jewish community, whom I have personally offended, to help me on my journey through recovery. In other words, put up or shut up. You want to fix this situation? Then fix it! That means kneeling beside me as I blow chunks into a Betty Ford urinal, taking away my cell phone so I don't drink and crank call the B'nai Brith people anymore, and explaining to my wife why we BOTH have genital warts. Again, I am reaching out to the Jewish community for its help. I know there will be many in that community who will want nothing to do with me, and that would be understandable. I'll see them in Hell. But I pray that that door is not forever closed, especially since you Jews own most of the banks and I like to visit my money.

This is not about a film. Nor is it about artistic license. And thank goodness for that, because 90% of my films have really sucked and I'm no artist. This is about real life and recognizing the consequences hurtful words can have. I realize that some people are very, very weak and unable to take it. I'm working to be at peace with the world's wussiness, but I'll make do. This is about existing in harmony in a world that seems to have gone mad... because of the Jews.

Thank you for your time.

Gibson's Request
Mel Gibson has admitted to making Anti-Semitic statements and has asked to meet with Jewish leaders with whom "I can have a one-on-one discussion to discern the appropriate path for healing." The trouble is if Gibson meets with Abe Foxman, he's only going to get worse.

Gibson Future
Mel Gibson's production company is scrambling to reshoot some key scenes in his upcoming film, Apocalypto. They're trying to change the part that shows the ancient Mayans getting pushed off their land by greedy Jewish real estate speculators.

Mel Gibson's Rehab Schedule, Tuesday August 1st

7:00AM Wake up to Wagner's Lohengrin

7:30AM 12-Goose Step program meeting

8:00AM Breakfast in the cafeteria. Eggs, bacon, orange juice, (NO BAGELS!)

9:00AM "Getting Over Your Grief" (Today's focus: Don't cry, the Holocaust never really happened anyway)

9:30AM Break

10:00AM Lecture: "Urine Testing and You," with Floyd Landis

10:30AM Group Therapy: Brainstorm with others on how to avoid Jews

11:00AM Telephone Time: Talk to your agent about all the movie deals you've just lost

11:30AM Sober Fun: Act out selections from Mein Kampf!

Noon Fitness: Get on the treadmill and pretend you're running away from a Jew

1:00PM Lunch. Roast ham, kosher wine (don't worry, the f**king Jews water down all their booze)

2:00PM Comedy Time! Schindler's List is playing in the common room

4:30PM Family Visitation: Proudly introduce your dad to everyone!

5:30PM Stress Management: Danny Glover's "I'm too old for this Sh*t" calming method

6:00PM: Dinner Lecture, "Setting Healthy Boundaries: Where to Find Restricted Communities in America."

7:00PM: Free time.

9:00PM: Lights out.

Mel's Signs
In an eerie omen, Mel Gibson woke up to find a huge swastika etched into the wheat field in his backyard this morning.