NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com. Here's the link: Newsday
And now for something completely different...Terror Bowl MMVI
By Jake Novak
ANNOUNCER: As we wait for the Super Bowl, we're going to watch a great "battle to the finish" under card as Fatah and Hamas square off in the Middle East. Let's go to Al Michaels and John Madden who have the call on the streets of Gaza:
AL: Thanks. You know a few years ago, nobody would have believed that Hamas could unseat the mighty Fatah party in an election. And now angry Fatah supporters are looking to take their frustrations out on anybody, and anything that they can find here on the street. And John, this is kind of like what happened on the streets of France this fall… except there aren’t that many cars on the streets of Gaza to set fire to in the first place.
JOHN: You're right Al. Usually, a car in the Palestinian territories is used for a bombing before the 1,500 mile check up. But you got give Hamas a lot of credit. These guys were nothing. And then, BOOM! They started blowing themselves up all over the place. I mean they really left it all on the field year after year. And the recruiting program is great too. I mean, who else could get a bunch of kids to agree to blow themselves up and then be forgotten forever just a few days later? I mean we Americans remember Miller Light commercials a lot longer than whatever the Hell these guys are fighting for.
AL: That's a good point John, a very good point. But I can see the U.N. officials are ready to toss the coin to get this Hamas vs. Fatah “battle to the death” game started. And it looks like the importance of this contest is being lost on no one, because none other than Kofi Anan himself is going to toss the coin!
JOHN: Wow! Boom! That's a surprise.
AL: And speaking of surprises, Anan is actually walking away with the coin John! He’s just stealing it right before our eyes!
JOHN: Whoa! That’s something. But you know, ever since they busted up that “oil for food” ring Anan’s been hard up for cash to give his son. They better watch him around everything that isn’t nailed down.
AL: Well, he did flip the coin before running off with it and Hamas won the toss and they have decided to receive. John, what do you think? Is receiving a good move here, or should Hamas have decided to kick first?
JOHN: No, Al I think they made the right choice. Remember Fatah is anchored by 350-pound offensive juggernaut Suha Arafat. And you don’t want her doling out the kind of punishment she can deliver right off the bat. It’s best to keep Fatah on defense as much as possible. And that would be good news for the fans watching on TV too, Al. Because Suha is not only nauseating to look at, but also she’s likely to charge into the stands and rip some falafel right out of the hands of some of the ticket-holding spectators.
AL: That reminds me John. What kind of protection do the fans have watching such carnage at close range?
JOHN: Not much. Not much, Al. I was pretty worried myself, considering I’m such a huge target. But I figured I’d use your latest wig as a shield. From the looks of it, I think it’s probably bulletproof.
AL: Right you are John. Okay, the Hamas players are lining up on the field in their green and white uniforms. Hey, they kind of look like the New York Jets!
JOHN: Well, no surprise there. They way the Jets have been disappointing the large number of Jewish fans in New York all these years, Hamas wanted to identify with that team as much as possible.
AL: Okay, Fatah is ready to kick off. Looks like Palestinian spokesman Saeb Erakhat, who doubles as the Fatah place kicker and punter, is set to let it fly. And there it goes. It’s a high spiraling kick that the Hamas returners just let fall to the turf. And it’s a good move too, because the ball has just exploded!
JOHN: Those are the kind of instincts that have helped Hamas reach the top of the league, Al. But what a difference between these two teams. That Fatah football was just a concussion bomb. Had Hamas armed it, it would have been loaded with nails and other shrapnel. I think Fatah just lacks the killer instinct, Al.
AL: That may be true. But that may change, because trotting on the field is the Fatah defensive unit led by Hanan Ashrawi. And she looks really mean right now John.
JOHN: BOOM! Yeah, check her out. She’s the best Al. She’s been defending Palestinian murders for years with her mile-a-minute, no interruption chatter on CNN and every other TV network. These U.N. refs better watch out, she’ll talk their ears off.
AL: Okay, it’s first and 10 from Hamas’ own 25, and they’re going to try a running play. It looks like a 15-year-old kid with an explosive belt. He’s to the 30, the 35, the 40! And oh no! He’s down before he could detonate! What happened on that tackle John?
JOHN: Oh, man it was a rough stop by Ashrawi. It looks like she pulled out some old pictures of her having sex with Peter Jennings. Once you see those images, you can’t go on. I think that kid is out for the rest of the game.
AL: Hey, John as they cart that kid out of here, it looks like Fatah head coach Mahmoud Abbas is giving Ashrawi a real talking-to on the sidelines. What’s that all about?
JOHN: Well, as a former head coach myself, I can guess Abbas is furious that Ashrawi used that tactic on the first play from scrimmage. That’s not the kind of thing you blow right off the bat. But it’s just going to be a scolding Al, Fatah can’t afford to go on without Hanan.
AL: That’s for sure, John. Okay, Hamas now has a first and 10 at the 40. And as expected, Hamas QB Khaled Mansour is going for the bomb. He’s pulled out an RPG launcher and he’s letting it fly. Oh! It’s gonna fall incomplete just shy of the abandoned and already burned-out car at the Fatah 24 yard line.
JOHN: You’d think they’d clear the field of that stuff before the big game. But having a nice clear green field to play on would really be too tough for these players to adapt to. Besides, if things looked nice on the field, they wouldn’t be able to point at it and blame the squalor on the Israelis.
AL: Jews, John, you can say “Jews,” they only say “Israelis” or “Zionists” when the non-sports, English-language news media is watching. Here in the territories, the old standby anti-Semitic comments work just fine.
JOHN: BOOM! You got me Al. I forgot.
AL: Okay, John. Second and 10 for Hamas at their 40. And oh no! It looks like we have a fan running onto the field. He’s shouting something. And he’s just exploded. Blew himself to bits John. And I think he took half the Fatah team with him!
JOHN: Man he had some good moves! Let’s look at the replay on the “coach’s clicker.” Here you see he’s getting up to a pretty good sprint as he nears the Fatah sideline. But he waits. You see that? He waits, until the on-the-field Fatah players get closer to him and then he pushes the detonator. BOOM! That was a big explosion. He’s one tough-acting kid.
AL: Well, not anymore John. He’s gone. But I think this game is over. Fatah can’t even field 11 players for the rest of the game.
JOHN: Yep, Hamas is going to win by a forfeit. But don’t feel bad for the surviving Fatah leaders, Al. They’re sure to get some great appointments at a British or French University pretty soon.
AL: Yep, there’s plenty of room in the literature department at the Sorbonne. That’s all for us. But don’t forget to catch the postgame show where this will all be blamed on America and the Jews and then stay tuned for Jimmy Kimmel live where he’ll talk to some of the players. See you next time!