Teen Workers
As part of his campaign to teach teenagers the truth about employment in his country, Thailand’s Prime Minister has sent his 17 year-old daughter to work at a McDonald’s in Bangkok. Not to be outdone, President Bush is teaching his daughters Jenna and Barbara about employment in America by sending them to work in India.

Greenspan Attack
The stock market was rocked today when rumors spread that Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan had suffered a heart attack. It turns out Greenspan isn't having real cardiac trouble, but he is being advised not to look at the Bush administration's budget plans for at least another few days.

Sleep Deprivation
A new survey shows too many children aren't getting enough sleep. Doctors say that while this a troubling problem, they are much more worried about the hundreds of kids who are spending too much time sleeping at Michael Jackson's house.

New Group
A new self-help group called Clutterless Recovery Group has started to help people who have trouble cleaning up their homes and getting rid of their stuff. The organization is also known as "divorce lawyers."

Kimmel F-Bomb
ABC apologized this week after its censors failed to bleep out the F-word during Friday’s broadcast of Jimmy Kimmel Live. The network admits it would have been even worse if anybody actually watched "Jimmy Kimmel Live."

Jackson Case
Prosecutors in Santa Barbara are looking to move Grand Jury proceedings in the Michael Jackson case to other locations to avoid the many journalists swarming the courthouse. But it's not clear if the judge will accept Jackson's request to hold the hearings at the local elementary school.

Air Force Cadet
Documents show the Air Force Academy cadet accused of raping a female student was allowed to remain at the school for several more months, during which he was arrested for sodomizing two other women. Military officials say they didn't kick him out because they were so impressed with how hard the kid was working to prove he's not gay.

Circus in Town
Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus is back in New York City this month. That's great news for the janitors at the Madison Square Garden who need the practice clearing crap off the floor if they're going to be ready for the Republican National Convention this summer.

City Jobs
The latest reports show employment is up in New York City, which can only mean one thing - there must be a new "Law and Order" spin-off in the works!

Passion Confession
A Norwegian neo-Nazi has confessed to two bombings a decade ago after watching "The Passion of the Christ." Apparently the man was humbled after seeing a real master Jew-hater at work.

Holy Day
Pope John Paul says Sunday should be a day for God, not for secular diversions like sports. Most American priests are supporting the statement; mostly because they hate it when all the really good-looking altar boys go to soccer practice.

Nielsen Protest
Black and Latino leaders are denouncing the Nielsen Media Research company, claiming its ratings undercount minority TV viewers. That brings up an important question for all minorities: Is being ignored by advertisers really worse than having the whole world find out you actually watch "Fear Factor?"

Olympic Threat
Many Olympians say they're worried tight anti-terrorism security will ruin the spirit of the Summer Games in Athens. But officials are assuring everyone that the added security personnel won't even be noticeable in the athletes' living quarters... because they'll be disguised as steroid pushers.

Rice Denial
National Security Adviser Condoleeza Rice is being accused of being "afraid" to testify before the 9/11 Commission. But after seeing several of her close-ups during a "60 Minutes" interview last night it's obvious Rice is really only afraid of going to the dentist.


Reality Show Casting Directors Vigorously Pursue Tyco "Juror #4"

Annoying holdout sure to spark ratings-rich TV strife

(Hollywood) Desperately hoping to cash in on a sure-fire controversy pot-boiler, producers for dozens of the leading TV reality shows are trying to contact the now infamous "juror #4," who is the lone holdout arguing for Dennis Kozlowski's innocence in the Tyco case.

"This woman is obviously a little crazy, and unwilling to back down even in the face of obvious group hatred," said "The Apprentice," star and creator Donald Trump. "She makes Omarosa look like a pussycat," added Trump, comparing the juror to his series' most annoying and hated cast member.

But the casters from "Survivor," say the 58-year old iconoclast is better-suited for their series.

"I'm betting the folks in that jury room would love to vote that woman off their island right about now," said executive producer Mark Burnett, "we'll be offering them and all of America the chance to enjoy seeing her booted, or at least watch her eat rats," he added.

But TV programming expert Bob Thompson of Syracuse University disagrees.

"The kind of woman who would ignore mountains of obvious evidence, and still show affection for a wealthy dope like Kozlowski should really be a contestant on the next edition of 'The Bachelor."

I-95 Collapse
A tanker truck explosion on I-95 in Bridgeport has almost destroyed an elevated stretch of the highway. Connecticut Governor John Rowland says the best and fastest work crews will be rushed to the scene... just as soon as they finish working on his house.

Weekend Movies
If you go to see a new movie this weekend, you'll either see "Jersey Girl," "The Ladykillers," or "Scooby Doo 2"... but enough about the latest terrorism threats.


Clarke Warned Administration of "Bennifer" Threat in 2001

Memos were Tragically Ignored, Says Former Counter terrorism Czar
(Washington) Dealing yet another stunning blow to the Bush administration, former counter terrorism chief Richard Clarke told a Congressional committee that he repeatedly warned his superiors about the looming threat of a relationship between Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, beginning in 2001.

"I want to apologize to the hundreds of Americans who paid to see "Gigli," and the millions of others who were unable to get real news because of endless coverage of Affleck and Lopez's dangerous relationship," Clarke admitted at the beginning of his opening statements. "Your government failed you, I failed you, and the nation's most annoying publicists failed you too."

Clarke says he began informing National Security Adviser Condoleeza Rice about the potential threat of the two talent-challenged performers joining forces just after the new administration took office in 2001.

"Ms. Rice just kept saying the administration didn't have a policy on how to handle it," explained Clarke, "and she also put too much stock in Lopez's then-relationship with Puff Daddy... she had blinders on, she thought it would last" he added.

The White House acted swiftly to refute Clarke's accusations even as he was still testifying.

"From the moment I took office, I was uniquely concerned with the dangers posed to this nation by Affleck and Lopez. Anyone who would insure their own ass for a billion dollars is a serious threat to our strategic, economic, and religious values, and I was concerned for our country" said a stern President Bush from the Oval Office.

But the administration is also using the hearings as an excuse to tout its accomplishments in the continuing War on Bennifer, and to remind the public that the Clinton White House had numerous chances to quash the threat but failed.

"The first documented meeting between Affleck and Lopez was in 1998 at an Afghan restaurant in Brentwood," said Vice President Dick Cheney at a hurried news conference, "the Clinton administration had a chance to bomb the restaurant, but we're told it backed off when told of the potential collateral damage to one of Barbra Streisand's favorite boutiques on San Vincente Boulevard," he added.

"Meanwhile we have successfully used illegal wire taps to suppress most positive reviews of Affleck and Lopez's work before they can be published," claimed Attorney General John Ashcroft at the same news conference. "We couldn't stop 'Gigli' from being released, but the reviews were so bad, we probably saved millions of Americans from the excruciating pain," Ashcroft added.

Other administration officials are burning the airwaves in an attempt to discredit Clarke personally.

"Look, we all know 'Jersey Girl' is coming out this weekend," said a smiling Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld at his daily Pentagon hearing, "the national fear over that film alone is putting any mention of the War on Bennifer in the spotlight, so you have to take it all with a grain of salt," he added.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday

Boy Bomber
The discovery of a 14-year old Arab boy with explosives under his clothes at the Palestinian-Israeli border is receiving universal condemnation around the world. The U.S. calls it savage, Russia says it's troubling, and the UN is loudly denouncing Israel for making a harmless teenager take off his shirt on a cold day.

Kerry's Back
John Kerry is back traveling the country today after taking a week's vacation. But Kerry insists his campaign never really took any time off, he just let Richard Clarke run it for a few days.

Senate Vote
Senate Democrats have just defeated a Republican plan to eliminate overtime pay for white-collar workers. But the employees really affected by the vote aren't celebrating, mostly because it'll take awhile for the news to reach India.

9/11 Commission
The 9/11 Commission's proceedings in Washington have uncovered what al Qaeda's truly most hideous plot to attack the American public was all along... forcing us all to watch a week's worth of useless hearings.

Microsoft Fine
The European Union is fining Microsoft $631 million for continuing its predatory business practices. Top things the EU leaders will do with the money:


-More wine at lunch for all French elementary school students

-Send $10 million a month to Palestinian terror groups... oh wait, they do that already!

-Pay John Kerry $100 million just to get him to stop saying they support him

-Fix everything English soccer hooligans break for a whole year

-Resolve to use the money really wisely; buy 126 million copies of Microsoft Office




Hamas Names Don Zimmer "Interim Leader"

Lovable former Yankee Bench Coach Seen as Perfect Choice During Transition Period


(Gaza City) Reacting quickly to the assassination of Sheik Ahmed Yassin, Hamas has named baseball coaching veteran Don Zimmer as its interim leader until a permanent replacement can be found.

"We have chosen an appropriate replacement for the time being; an older man with lots of experience, a man whose pudgy, cute look is the new face of Jihad!" exclaimed Khaled Mashaal, head of Hamas' political wing.
The terror group said it also picked Zimmer because he does not recognize Israel.

"They kept showing me this picture with all these strange writings on top off what looked like an upside-down triangle. Somebody said it was supposed to be a map of Israel, but Hell if I knew what that was," explained a confused-looking Zimmer.

Zimmer was more assertive when he talked about what he could do for the weakened terror group.

It's not like I can't deal with hopeless situations, remember I was on the '62 Mets," Zimmer said.

The man who Zimmer briefly replaced on several occasions over the past 8 years had nothing but praise for his colleague.

"I don't know about all this geopolitical terrorism stuff," said Zimmer's former boss Yankee Manager Joe Torre, "but if the top guys in Hamas are looking for someone to keep the players in line, make the right calls, and have Jewish blood run in the streets for a few weeks until they pick a permanent leader, Zim's the guy!"

Middle East experts say they were surprised by the choice, but they did see some positive results for the Palestinian cause around the world.

"When Zimmer charged out of the dugout to beat up Pedro Martinez, the whole world just ignored the fact that he was the aggressor and they just attacked Martinez for knocking down a supposedly defenseless and blameless old man," said columnist Thomas Friedman, "that's the kind of publicity spin the Palestinians have enjoyed in Europe for years, so in some ways Zimmer is a natural," he added.

Hamas spokesmen were reluctant to say if Zimmer could do anything to get the "interim" removed from his title and earn the job permanently, but they did offer one possible scenario.

"We have no plans to make any other appointments as of now, but if he can make life as painful for Israelis as it for a family of four to attend a Yankee night game in the Bronx, then I would say Mr. Zimmer has an excellent chance of keeping this job," Mashaal said.

Yassin Killed
The Bush Administration says its "deeply troubled" by Israel's assassination of Hamas leader Sheik Ahmed Yassin. The White House says it makes the President look really bad when Israel actually keeps its promises to capture and kill terrorists.

Hamas Threat
In response to the assassination, Hamas is vowing to "shake Israel like an Earthquake." Most of the world is deeply worried, but Polaroid expressed relief that the terror group did not say they'd shake Israel like a "Polaroid picture" as Outkast did in "Hey Ya."

Taiwan Election
Taiwan's President Chen Shui-ban is outraged at accusations of vote fraud being made against him. Chen is reminding everyone he won re-election by staging his own assassination, NOT by rigging the ballot boxes.

Kerry Attack
John Kerry is attacking Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, accusing him of ignoring his country's constitution, threatening democracy, and ignoring real terrorists. Chavez says Kerry is entitled to his opinion, but confusing him with President Bush is really unacceptable.

No Child Left Behind Working
A new study shows the Bush Administration's "No Child Left Behind" policy is actually producing better national test results in elementary school students. Experts credit the following massive curriculum changes implemented by the White House for helping more "learning-challenged" students succeed:

-Math with the Florida vote counters

-Reading the Constitution correctly with John Ashcroft

-Penmanship with the CIA's WMD document forgers

-Science, or as it's now been re-named: "God Created Everything, now go to Recess"

-Geography with Karl Rove, (only places you need to find on the map are Florida, Ohio, Pennsylvania and Iraq)

-Extremely Low Impact Physical Education with Dick Cheney

Box Office Results
Dawn of the Dead was the new number one movie at the box office this weekend. But the numbers are misleading because half the people who went to the movie were fans of The Passion who came back to the theater three days later and thought it was the sequel.

Box Office Results II
Another strong box office finisher was Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, a movie about erasing painful memories. But the numbers are misleading because half the people who saw the movie thought it was about the Bush campaign.

Clarke's Criticism
President Bush's former counterterrorism coordinator Richard Clarke says the White House ignored warnings about al Qaeda before 9/11 and rushed to war in Iraq. But the Bush Administration is snapping into action immediately by revealing to the news media that Clarke's wife works for the CIA.

Al Zawahiri at Large
Despite reports that he was cornered by Pakistani troops, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri is still at large. But the Bush Administration is snapping into action immediately by revealing to the news media that al-Zawahiri's wife works for the CIA.

Made in Burma
Investigators have discovered that T-shirts sold on the Bush-Cheney re-election web site were made by child laborers in Burma and Mexico. But the Bush Administration is snapping into action immediately by revealing to the news media that all the t-shirt makers' parents work for the CIA.

"High Priority Target"
Millions are holding their collective breath as a so-called "high priority" target in the war on terror is reportedly close to being nabbed. But this time, the world hopes the authorities can keep Courtney Love in custody.

New Precautions
The U.S. is telling foreign airlines to keep their airline cockpit doors closed and locked from now on. Not because that will do much in the war on terror, it's just that most American passengers can't take the smell.

NYC Schools Report
A new report says there are more than 5,500 ninth graders in New York City schools who are 17-years old or older. Finally, something that will help cut down on the number of teachers getting convicted of child molestation!

SPECIAL ALERT!!!! I didn't make Newsday today, but the Sports Illustrated Web Site IS running my joke from yesterday about one of the NCAA Tournament games (Princeton-Texas). It's un-credited, but take my word for it; I wrote it. Here's the link: SI.Com


Post-Parade
In a continuing tradition here in New York City, the day after we paint the town green for Saint Patrick's Day, city residents awake the next morning to see the streets are now a different color - yellow.

Mullah's Message
In a blistering sermon shown on Palestinian TV this week, a Mullah said the Jews are descended from apes and pigs and are deserving of death. Finally! An ultra-religious leader willing to except Darwinism! Now that's progress!

Mullah's Message II
As usual, most of the world is ignoring the sermon's Anti-Semitic message. But by saying the Jews should be killed like apes and pigs, the Mullah is now being threatened by the folks from PETA.

Scalia Refusal
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has refused to remove himself from a case involving Vice President Dick Cheney, even though the two of them went on a hunting trip together last year. In a statement, Scalia said going on the trip with Cheney doesn't mean he'll get favorable treatment, especially since "Dick kept hogging all the covers in bed."

Powell Promise
Afghanistan's new government is still having trouble fighting off remaining elements of the Taliban. U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell is promising to send aid, just as soon as the Mullahs finish helping the administration figure out more ways to fight gay marriage and broadcast indecency.

Panda Mating
Chinese veterinarians are beginning the mating process for American-born panda Hua Mei by showing her videos of copulating pandas. But experts say those kinds movies only work for males; female pandas like something a little more romantic, preferably starring Hugh Grant or Colin Firth.


MARCH MADNESS

The NCAA Basketball Tournament begins tomorrow. Here are some tips for those of you trying to fill out your brackets:


Texas vs. Princeton

Hmm... Texas big shots meet elite White Ivy Leaguers. What is this, a Bush fundraiser?

Prediction: Texas 61 Princeton 57


St. Joseph's vs. Liberty

Big Catholic school versus Jerry Falwell's university. Both teams will pause at halftime to watch "The Passion of the Rebound."

Prediction: St. Joe's 87 Liberty 56


Florida vs. Manhattan

Florida is the place where Manhattan's elderly citizens, and college basketball players, go to die.

Prediction: Florida 71 Manhattan 58


Illinois vs. Murray State

Illinois is too strong, but you gotta a love a place that names the whole school after that nice guy in accounting!

Prediction: Illinois 84 Murray State 56

Kerry Challenged
The White House is challenging John Kerry to publicly say which international leaders are quietly supporting his campaign. It's not that the Republicans don't believe Kerry, it's just that they're hoping he can help President Bush learn how to pronounce all those foreign names.

Powerball Winner
Tom and Pam Rivers of Salem, Indiana are the sole winners of the $89 million Powerball Lottery. At today's press conference, the ecstatic couple talked of how winning the jackpot will finally help them fulfill their dream of buying 89 million lottery tickets.

Fed Decision
The Federal Reserve Board has decided to keep key interest rates frozen at 1%. That's angering thousands of loan sharks across the country who were hoping to get a bump on their popular "Prime Plus 50" home equity loan package.

Libyan WMD
Federal officials are now displaying a few examples of the tons of nuclear weapons gear retrieved from Libya. Well, that's what the U.S. government calls it... everyone else is more correctly calling it the "used microwave oven section at Wal-Mart."



Bloomberg Re-Enrolls in the 3rd Grade

Vows to Put "Money Where My Mouth is" on Social Promotion Policy

(New York) In an extreme move meant to prove there will be no exceptions to his policy to eliminate social promotion, 61-year old New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg joined the 3rd grade class at P.S. 6 in Manhattan earlier today where he vows to remain a full-time student at least until passes the Reading Comprehension and Math tests this June.

"City parents and teachers will need to get used to the fact that students are going to be left back, sometimes several times," said the Mayor as he struggled to fit until a small desk in the middle of Mrs. Reggio's classroom, "and I've promised all New Yorkers, even the 8-year old ones, that I wouldn't ask them to do anything I wouldn't be willing to do myself."

Skeptical reporters who treated the decision as a ridiculous stunt were challenged by Mrs. Reggio.

"Actually, I've seen the Mayor read a number of speeches in the last few years, and it's pretty clear he could use my help with his phonics," Reggio insisted, "and young man, if you're going to chew gum, you better have some for the rest of this class," she said to one inconsiderate journalist.

The New York Post welcomed the news in a banner front page editorial, but it also threw a cloud of scandal over the affair by reporting that unnamed student sources told the paper that Bloomberg was hogging all the good swings at recess.

Top 12 Signs Your Shul May Not be Right for You


12) During Passover, Rabbi vigorously frisks all congregants for chametz

11) First person to yell out mistakes in laining gets Hagbah

10) Movie before Selichos this year was "The Passion of the Christ"

9) Sermons delivered in Junior Congregation actually more learned

8) Mechitza filled with lewd graffiti

7) Weekly Talmud class degenerates into violent rounds of "stump the Rabbi"

6) Musaf lasts until after Havdalah

5) Rabbi refuses to hold by local eruv, comes to shul every shabbos naked

4) Three flags displayed on the bimah: American, Israeli, and windsock

3) Bitter 2000 Shul elections also decided by confused elderly members now living in Florida

2) Annual Purim Carnival actually held on Yom Kippur

1) The Arnold and Frieda Nussbaum memorial urinal

March Madness
65 college basketball teams were invited to the NCAA Basketball Tournament this week. Four New York City-area teams are going to the "big dance," but not St. John's... they're just going back to the big lap dance.

Amazing Discovery
The news media is buzzing this week about how scientists have found the most distant and cold object in our solar system... but really, haven't we had enough of all the Martha Stewart coverage already?

Spain Explosion
Experts believe the train bombing in Madrid could be the result of the combined efforts of Basque separatists and Al Qaeda. The merger means at least 65 terrorists will be laid off this fiscal year.

Kerry Comment
Republicans are demanding that John Kerry apologize for describing his GOP critics as “crooked” and “lying.” Kerry responded by saying: "You know, I am sorry, what was I thinking? I forgot to call you guys 'stupid' too."

Disney Gate
Disney will build secured iron gates at the Disneyland Resort next fall. The gates will be closed every time there's a terrorist threat or angry Disney shareholders come looking for Michael Eisner.


Congress Increases Cap on FCC Indecency Fines to $2.4 Trillion

Deficit-Busting Move Approved Overwhelmingly

(Capitol Hill) In a stunning move, the House and Senate voted to increase indecency fines for broadcasters by the exact same spending amount as the annual budget passed earlier in the day.

"Stunts like televised nudity and sex on the radio are becoming more dangerous to our future than the national debt, so we thought it was time to make the two pay for each other," said House Speaker Dennis Hastert.

The move is expected to spell doom for the nation's biggest broadcasters, including CBS-parent Viacom. But some lawmakers aren't so sure.

"Look, they were wrong when they said the multi-billion dollar settlement with the tobacco companies would bankrupt all the cigarette-makers, and I can promise you that America is a lot more addicted to 'T and A' than nicotine any day," said Massachusetts Democrat Edward Markey. "Howard Stern will keep broadcasting, I'm sure of that... only now every fart joke means another pre-schooler is getting a hot lunch," he added.

Congressional Budget Office accountants are working along with FCC commissioners to present affordable month-to-month payment plans and alternative remittance programs for cash-strapped broadcasters.

"The folks at Clear Channel Communications have already given the Bush Administration about a trillion dollar's worth of broadcast support, and we think its competitor's could learn a lot from that, especially when the alternative is going out of business," added FCC Chairman Michael Powell.

Unnamed Congressional sources say the fine-based deficit reduction movement on Capitol Hill probably won't stop with the media. "We're looking at slapping fast food restaurants, SUV owners, and gay marriage-performing mayors next, " said one aide.

Clinton Interview
Bill Clinton says he won't run for mayor and his goals are “to be useful, and stay out of Hillary’s hair.” Of course that's not the only thing of Hillary's he's been staying out of.

Britney & Jenna
First daughter Jenna Bush had a private backstage meeting with Britney Spears last weekend. The two women learned they have a lot in common; Britney's tickets to fame are the boobs on her chest and Jenna's tickets are the boobs in the White House.

Obesity Study
A new study shows obesity will soon overtake tobacco as the number one preventable killer in America. The news is outraging politicians who are demanding fast food companies start giving them just as many illegal campaign donations as they get from the cigarette makers.

Iraqi Spy
An American woman was arrested today on charges she spied for Iraq from 1999-2002. The CIA says she may have learned the agency's most sensitive secrets; like how to use white-out on forged weapons documents.


UCLA Used Cadavers On Football Team

Finally Explains loss to Stanford Last Fall

(Los Angeles) In a stunning revelation sure to escalate the human remains scandal at UCLA, the university is now admitting that its willed body program sold several cadavers to help fill out the school's strapped football program.

"I don't have to tell you how hard it is to recruit offensive linemen these days," said Bruins coach Karl Dorrell, "we needed help and we needed it real bad... I apologize to the families of the deceased, but mostly I want to apologize to our fans and our living players, especially since it appears the dead guys we used as spot-starters against Stanford probably cost us that game," he added.

UCLA chancellor Albert Carnesale is looking into the matter, but unamed sources say the problem began after the Bruins got into an ill-planned recruiting war with the University of Colorado in 2001.

"After two years of trying to match Colorado's hookers, strippers, and drug parties for high school recruits, we couldn't afford to field a team of more than 25 living players anymore," said the source. "Sure the cadavers cost about $100,000 each, but that's peanuts compared to what it costs to recruit, feed, and provide adequate legal defense services for a player with a pulse," he added.

Living players on the UCLA squad said they were stunned to hear at least 10% of their teamates weren't actually alive, especially since most of them maintained higher GPA's than the team average. "And after the games, they didn't smell any worse than the rest of us," added senior free safety Ben Emanuel.

Special Day
The federal government has named April 2nd National "Walk to Work Day." It's alternate title is: "I Don't Have $150 to Fill up my SUV Anymore Day."

Comedy Festival
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg announced this week that the city will host its first annual New York Comedy Festival in November. Actually the first comedy festival will be in August, when the city hosts the Republican National Convention

Ramsey Campaign
In a first, John Ramsey, the father of JonBenet Ramsey, is considering running for the 105th House District in Michigan. Usually politicians don't screw and kill children until after they're elected.

Wal-Mart Firing
A Texas man was fired from Wal-Mart after he reported to work in a priest’s shirt and collar, six crosses, a vampire symbol and an Arab headdress. Wal-Mart didn't object to the religious nature of the outfit, it was just that all the clothing and jewelry was actually made in America.

Wal-Mart Thief
Police in Georgia arrested a woman after she tried to use a fake 1 million dollar bill to buy merchandise at a Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart pressed charges not because the note was fake, but because the bill was actually made in America.

Kerry Intelligence Money
Republicans are attacking John Kerry for voting to reduce the CIA's budget last year. The GOP says it's obvious Kerry has no idea how expensive it really is to regularly create forged intelligence documents.

Child Touch
A new study shows that regularly touching children tenderly can help them reduce stress and even avoid mental illness. In response to the report, Michael Jackson is launching "Reduce Child Stress Week" at Neverland Ranch.

Skull and Bones Problem
According to its rules, if the secret society Skull and Bones is mentioned, members of the group must immediately leave the room. But you can still get society members George W. Bush and John Kerry out of the room faster if you mention cutting social security benefits or use the word "intern."

Bond Too Tall
From now on, anyone applying to be an agent in the British intelligence service cannot be taller than 5 feet 11, and that would rule out James Bond, who's always been portrayed as 6 feet or taller. Another new rule would also rule out James Bond; it's the one that says agents shouldn't contract any more than 15 sexually transmitted diseases.

UCLA Scandal
The cadaver-selling scandal at UCLA is widening. It turns out the men allegedly responsible sold hundreds more bodies than originally thought, including three sophomores who fell asleep in Biology class.


Bush to Push for Defense of Celebrity Marriage Bill

"Wholesome but Brief" unions must be protected, says Prez

(Washington) In a move to bolster his fight to defend heterosexual marriage, President George W. Bush is calling on Congress to pass a new bill guaranteeing irresponsible celebrities the right to frivolously marry and divorce at least three times a year.

"When Britney Spears gets married to some guy for 26 hours in Las Vegas, it reminds us that love can happen in an instant... and more importantly it shows that Britney probably isn't gay," said the President.

Conservative moralist Bill Bennett is joining in the battle. "Hey, as long as they're heterosexuals, I think celebrities should be allowed to marry whomever they like. Besides, betting on how long Nicholas Cage's next marriage will last is a lot more fun than the craps table," Bennett said.

During the announcement, the President was flanked by Angelina Jolie, Liza Minnelli, Elizabeth Taylor, and Jennifer Lopez, who got together and broke up with Ben Affleck and Marc Anthony three times each during the 20-minute press conference.

The President cited what he called "historical evidence," when he also asked Senators and House members to add a clause protecting phony studio marriages arranged to help keep gay stars closeted.

"When Rock Hudson married the broad from Universal Studios it may have been a sham, but it really helped the world avoid discussing his homosexuality for a long time," Mr. Bush said, "and it made all those movies he made with Doris Day so much more enjoyable."

The bill is expected to sail through both Houses of Congress, as soon as the conference committee tacks on an amendment allowing members of Congress the same privileges and another 13% "cost of living" congressional pay raise.

Martha Cancelled
In light of Martha Stewart's conviction, CBS says it will no longer run "Martha Stewart Living" on any of its affiliated stations. But for viewers who insist on seeing TV programming starring jail-bound felons, CBS still has the NCAA Basketball Tournament later this month.

Bathroom Upgrade
The New York Post has an exclusive report today on how New York City is finally cleaning and refurbishing its public bathrooms. The city felt it was only fair to inform the Post first, because by stocking all its public bathrooms with enough paper towels and toilet paper, the city is eliminating the best reason to buy the New York Post.


Brooklyn Fetus set to Enter NBA Draft

Nike, Adidas Rush to Sign Unborn Phenom

(New York) In an unprecedented, yet not unexpected move, the parents of a four-month old fetus in Brooklyn are entering their as-yet unborn son in this June's NBA draft.

"This kid is showing a lot of natural ability," said league scout Ralph Westergard, "there are at least three teams who will try to trade up in the draft to grab him first."

Former NBA star and current TV analyst Bill Walton agrees. "Sure, he can't shoot, pass or play any defense yet, but neither can most of the players on the Knicks or the whole Eastern Conference for that matter."

Sports experts say the unborn child presents an irresistible marketing opportunity for the team that drafts him, the league as a whole, and dozens of companies who will rush to sign the fetus to endorsement contracts.

"With this kid, everything's gonna be for sale," said the child's father Ralph Jones from their home in the Red Hook section of Brooklyn. "The right offer will get the winning sneaker and soft drink company everything from naming rights to creative control."

By starting this early, marketing experts say the Jones child is igniting a new wave in sports endorsements, offering an opening for diaper, baby clothing, and formula companies who were previously locked out of that lucrative part of the business.
"Who wouldn't want to dress, feed, and nurse their child the same way as a basketball megastar?" asked advertising expert Larry Londre. "It's certainly a sweet turn of events for the child-care companies who have been overtaxed for years trying to keep up with the spate of illegitimate children fathered by NBA players across the country," he added.
Objections to the child's super-early entry into pro sports has been minimal. A somewhat surprising show of support came from the National Right to Life Council shortly after the announcement.

"We've been saying for 50 years that a fetus is a life. And nothing says life more to me than an $80 million contract!" said a euphoric NRLC spokesman Wesley Smith.

Kerry Fundraising
Political experts say John Kerry needs to raise $1 million a day for the next 100 days to match President Bush's resources. Top ways he plans to do it:

-You know those little Heinz ketchup packets?... now they're $5 a piece

-Pick Ted Kennedy's wallet every time he gets drunk

-Agree to do a commercial for Botox... oh wait, he's doing that already!

-Sell wholesale Prozac to former Dean supporters

-Get wife Teresa to boost his allowance in return for promise not to hire any more interns

-What the Hell... ask Bush for a loan, he can afford it!

Skull and Bones Fear
Some Americans are concerned that both John Kerry and President Bush both belonged to the Skull and Bones secret society while at Yale. Apparently, the group is dedicated to initiating people with the right stuff to become crappy U.S. presidents.

Swiss Savior
A Swiss woman who saved 15 Jewish children in World War II has become the first person ever pardoned for violating Switzerland’s neutrality act. The Swiss courts were willing to ignore her crime because while she saved the children's lives, she still stole all their money.

GOP Spying
Reports say two Republican Senate staff aides illegally spied on the Democrats by reading their strategy memorandums. Finding the culprits was easy; they were the only ones being treated at the local hospital for boredom.

Indiana Search
An Indiana man facing drug charges says a state trooper made an unconstitutional search by changing his son’s dirty diaper and finding a bag of crack inside. Meanwhile, thousands of other new parents in Indiana say that trooper can violate the constitution at their homes anytime he likes.

NEWSDAY ALERT! I have two jokes in today's Punchlines column in Newsday. In the print edition, they even included a picture to help illustrate the 2nd joke! Here's the link: Newsday

Subway History
To mark the 100th anniversary of New York’s subway system, old subway cars from the 1930s were put back into service this week. The move is delighting historians who have always wanted to know how long the smell of urine lasts.

Rock Returns
After trying acting for a few years, The Rock is returning to his roots in pro wrestling. That's because wrestling is the only place where having an oversized chest and no acting ability is more celebrated than it is in Hollywood.

Supersizing Eliminated
McDonald's is getting rid of its supersizing option for french fries and sodas, in an effort to simplify their menu and offer regular diners a slower, more painful death.

Jacko Detox
Michael Jackson has been staying at an Aspen ranch with a special "healer" who is attempting to help him get over a longtime addiction to alcohol and painkillers. Meanwhile annoying child actor Haley Joel Osment is also staying with Jackson in hopes of curing his addiction for pre-teen boys.

New Tool
US soldiers in Iraq have been using a new audio weapon to disperse hostile crowds which blasts earsplitting noise in a directed beam. The device is called the "Rosie Perez."

Schwarzenegger's Reversal
During an interview on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger reversed himself and said he now supports Gay marriage. Political experts say the decision can only mean one thing - Schwarzenegger really does want to work in Hollywood again.

Weight Deduction
The IRS now allows taxpayers to deduct the costs of drastic weight-loss procedures. The news is spurring ABC network executives to see if they can get a refund if they fire Star Jones.

Jackson's Web Site
Michael Jackson has a new web site, which the pop singer is using to refute allegations about him in the press. But experts say some of the site's added features may serve to undermine Jackson's efforts, especially the link to the free underwear laundry service for boys under 15.

Dean Supporters Wanted
Democratic party leaders want to get the list of over 700,000 former Howard Dean supporters so they can be recruited to work for John Kerry. But just because their mothers let them use the computer, it's not clear Dean's backers will be allowed to hit the campaign trail all by themselves.

French Decline
A senior member of the Academie Francaise says his countrymen "no longer respect their language because they are no longer proud of themselves or their country.” Well, I guess we have more in common with the French people than we thought!


Republicans Nominate Hillary Clinton for President

"We told You She was Running!" says Defiant GOP

(Washington, DC) With John Kerry locking up the Democratic nomination for President last night, outraged Republican Party officials are now backing Hillary Clinton for President.

"We're not going to let Democratic primary voters set our agenda," said RNC Chairman Ed Gillespie. "Hillary virtually has our party's nomination locked up now. And as soon as she gets on the campaign trail, we'll be ready to pounce on her pro-Lesbian, pro-abortion on demand, pro-Health care radical agenda... even though she'll be our candidate" Gillespie added.

The move comes after three years of Republican strategy sessions based on predictions that Mrs. Clinton would run and become the Democratic nominee. "Hundreds of millions of dollars were raised at GOP dinners where speakers scared donors with images of another President Clinton," says Washington insider Carlos Watson, "and they're not about to disappoint those big money backers now."

The decision is catching the administration off-guard, especially since President Bush has been running unopposed in every Republican primary this year. But unnamed GOP sources say the President and his administration underestimated the party's conviction to always be alarmist, even if it means losing the White House.

Interestingly, Senator Clinton has not yet rejected the Republican party's offer to run. Mrs. Clinton's office says she's "weighing her options."

Oscar Night Shocker
A controversy-free night at the Academy Awards was marred late in the broadcast when it was revealed that Justin Timberlake had ripped the clothes off of each and every Oscar statuette.

Eisner Troubles
Embattled Disney CEO Michael Eisner is getting a show of support from President Bush. Mr. Bush says he knows what it's like to have to convince people without any economic hope that they're still living in a magic kingdom.