Social Security Mess
Political experts say the nation's voting senior citizens will never accept social security cuts unless the government makes the following changes:
-Lower speed limit on national highways to 35 mph
-Create federally-mandated "early bird special" deal at Le Cirque
-Increase strategic reserves of Sanka by 40%
-Force car makers to make new sun visors... in steering wheels
-Make sure even the richest seniors get much more government benefits than the average starving child... oh wait, they do that already!
-Eliminate corporate tax breaks for CEO's who don't call their mothers at least twice a week
Gay Marriage Fight
Political experts say despite President Bush's best efforts, the proposed amendment to ban Gay marriage will not pass the House or Senate. It's the first time Bush has worked hard on something that didn't have a prayer of passing since his senior thesis at Yale.
France is asking President Jean Bertrand Aristide to step down as rebel forces move closer to Port-au-Prince. The U.S. says it's the first time France's expertise in knowing how to quit and run away is really coming in handy!
Gibson to Release "Passion II: The Revenge" Next Summer
(Hollywood, California) Spurred by super box office figures and strong audience reaction to "The Passion of the Christ," director Mel Gibson is already beginning to film a sequel where a resurrected Jesus goes on revenge-inspired killing spree.
"Jesus is going to open a can of whup-ass so big, it'll make all the plagues from 'The Ten Commandments' look like the 'Care Bears Movie," boasted Gibson.
"I'm glad he's doing this, I mean after seeing my Lord and Savior beaten brutally for two hours, I'm not really feeling like seeing anymore cheek-turning," said movie fan Ralph Walker of Charlotte, North Carolina. "I mean I better see some ass-kicking in the next movie or I'll be looking to beat up every Jew and Italian I see for the rest of my life," he added.
Insiders say the film's plot will begin with the Resurrection, as Jesus descends back to Earth in an armored Hummer equipped with three mounted machine guns and a grenade launcher.
Gibson says to prove this film will not be Anti-Semitic, Jesus will be joined by a short and lovable Jewish sidekick, (played by Rob Schneider), who will accompany the Messiah in several killing sprees and provide comic relief. But as per movie customs almost as old the Bible itself, Schneider's character will be trapped and killed towards the end of the film, setting off Jesus' final kill fest.
The movie is scheduled for a big summer release Memorial Day Weekend. It features 531 murders, six maimings, and continuous foul language. It will be rated PG-13 for brief nudity.