I have not one, but TWO jokes in the "Punchlines" section of Newsday. Here's the link:
Phony $20 Bill
So far, US Treasury agents say the new $20 bill meant to discourage counterfeiters is actually encouraging crooks to make phony versions of the currency. This should come as no surprise to an administration that thought invading Iraq would discourage terrorism.
Researchers are now developing robots with eyes in the backs of their heads using digital technology. When we were kids, my sister and I had a robot like that in my house... we called it "mom."
Wildfires on TV
Dozens of evacuated San Diego families watched in horror last night as they saw their homes burning down on the local TV news. The experience was actually less painful for them than watching local news broadcasts in San Diego on any other night.
Ex-Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski's trial is being rocked by a video of a wild party he threw for his wife using company money. But Kozlowski actually SAVED the company millions of dollars at that party. Here's how:
-cost of buying hundreds of bottles of champagne and vodka for the party: $100k
-booze money saved by not inviting Liza Minnelli: $200k
-cost of flying dozens of company execs to Sardinia for the party: $50k
-money the same execs would have stolen from Tyco that weekend: $50 million
-cost of getting Jimmy Buffett to perform at the party: $250k
-money saved by paying for Jimmy Buffett to come instead of Warren Buffett: $150 million
-cost of making a huge female-shaped cake: $20k
-money saved by not hiring a personal trainer to work with large, female-shaped Dennis Kozlowski: $30k
-cost of putting exploding breasts on that female-shaped cake: $5k
-money saved by removing exploding breast implants from Kozlowski's wife: $50k
-cost of hiring professional dancers clad in revealing outfits: $12k
-money saved once Kozlowski is clad in an orange-colored jumpsuit: $600 million