"Queer Eye" Deal
NBC is doubling the salaries for the stars of the makeover show, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." But after hearing that network stars best known for their nice hair, teeth and clothes were getting more pay, Katie Couric and Tom Brokaw demanded big raises too.

Virginia Bank Robbery
Police are hunting a woman who dressed as a clown and robbed a bank in Virginia Beach yesterday. And a few hundred miles to the north of that crime scene, police are hunting for 535 clowns who dressed as Congressmen before robbing the U.S. Treasury.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I have not one, but TWO jokes in the "Punchlines" section of Newsday. Here's the link:
Newsday Link



Phony $20 Bill
So far, US Treasury agents say the new $20 bill meant to discourage counterfeiters is actually encouraging crooks to make phony versions of the currency. This should come as no surprise to an administration that thought invading Iraq would discourage terrorism.

New Robot
Researchers are now developing robots with eyes in the backs of their heads using digital technology. When we were kids, my sister and I had a robot like that in my house... we called it "mom."

Wildfires on TV
Dozens of evacuated San Diego families watched in horror last night as they saw their homes burning down on the local TV news. The experience was actually less painful for them than watching local news broadcasts in San Diego on any other night.

Kozlowski Party
Ex-Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski's trial is being rocked by a video of a wild party he threw for his wife using company money. But Kozlowski actually SAVED the company millions of dollars at that party. Here's how:

-cost of buying hundreds of bottles of champagne and vodka for the party: $100k

-booze money saved by not inviting Liza Minnelli: $200k

-cost of flying dozens of company execs to Sardinia for the party: $50k

-money the same execs would have stolen from Tyco that weekend: $50 million

-cost of getting Jimmy Buffett to perform at the party: $250k

-money saved by paying for Jimmy Buffett to come instead of Warren Buffett: $150 million

-cost of making a huge female-shaped cake: $20k

-money saved by not hiring a personal trainer to work with large, female-shaped Dennis Kozlowski: $30k

-cost of putting exploding breasts on that female-shaped cake: $5k

-money saved by removing exploding breast implants from Kozlowski's wife: $50k

-cost of hiring professional dancers clad in revealing outfits: $12k

-money saved once Kozlowski is clad in an orange-colored jumpsuit: $600 million

Bush Denial
President Bush says he had nothing to do with putting up the "Mission Accomplished" banner on the USS Abraham Lincoln when he declared the end of combat hostilities in Iraq back in April. Experts say the president is telling the truth, because if he HAD been responsible for the banner it would have said: "Mishun Akompliced."


Kobe Blasts Shaq
There's new trouble for the LA Lakers as Kobe Bryant is blasting Shaquille O'Neil. Bryant says O'Neil isn't much of a leader because he's overweight, won't play hurt, and doesn't provide any of his indicted teammates with decent alibis.


Love Charged
Singer and actress Courtney Love has been charged with illegal possession of the prescription painkillers hydrocodone and oxycodone. The judge in the case is opting for the strictest punishment for Love and fellow addict Rush Limbaugh by ordering them to share the same jail cell.

Visiting Private Lynch
Mohammed al-Rehaief, the Iraqi lawyer who helped rescue Pvt. Jessica Lynch, has just wrapped up an extensive four-day tour of West Virginia. Lynch's friends and family choked back tears as they expressed their gratitude... and after seeing her hometown, Al-Rehaief choked back tears of remorse as he realized Lynch was really better off in Iraq.

Lunch Ladies Luck
The 15 Minnesota school cafeteria workers who won the $95 million Powerball jackpot all say they plan to stay on the job. Upon hearing that news, Tiffany's immediately began work on set of diamond-studded hairnets.

Madonna Song
In her new song, "American Life," Madonna proclaims she is, "not a Christian and not a Jew." Finally, something both religious communities can celebrate together!

Presidential Library in Peril
The wildfires in California are now burning near the Ronald Reagan presidential Library. But Republican party leaders have snapped into action... when they heard that hundreds of documents and tapes would be destroyed, they had firefighters redirect the flames towards the Nixon Presidential Library.


Baghdad Bombing
Islamic terrorists in Iraq set off a series of suicide bombings in Baghdad today to mark the beginning of Ramadan. Jewish groups are also known for violent outbursts during their religious festivals... but they mostly occur at crowded kosher butcher shops about two hours before the holidays begin.

Kobe Returns
Basketball star Kobe Bryant was greeted with roaring cheers as he took the court last night in the Lakers first exhibition game. Experts say the fans in California treated him so warmly because after hearing that Kobe was accused of assaulting a woman, they thought he was their new governor.



Viagra Stunt
A group of 12 and 13-year old schoolboys in Britain were released from a London hospital after taking Viagra in class. Of course, a bunch of 12 and 13-year old boys need Viagra as much as... (Here are the Top 10 ways to finish that sentence):

-Liza Minnelli needs another drink

-a Quentin Tarantino movie needs more gratuitous violence

-Liza Minnelli needs boxing lessons

-The cubs need more fans diving for foul balls

-Liza Minnelli needs another tastycake

-Dennis Kozlowski needs another $6,000 shower curtain

-Liza Minnelli needs another freak show star for a husband

-Congress needs another pay raise, (oh wait, they ARE getting another pay raise)

-Ben and J. Lo need another engagement

-all of us need to read anymore stories about Liza Minnelli

Newsday Alert!!! I'M BACK IN THE "PUNCHLINES" COLUMN OF NEWSDAY ON PAGE A40 OF THE CITY EDITION. HERE'S THE LINK:
Newsday


Clemens Finale
It's a sad day for baseball fans as the Yankees' Roger Clemens pitched his last game last night. That means the next time he hits someone in the head he could be arrested.


Bush/Wall Street
So far, the top contributors to President Bush's re-election campaign are all chiefs of Wall Street brokerage firms. The executives are rewarding Bush for making tax cuts, listening to their ideas, and keeping them all out of jail for the past 3 years.

Send in the Clowns
D.C. sniper suspect John Allen Muhammad is re-hiring his lawyers and will no longer represent himself. Legal experts say this is the right move because by bringing more attorneys into the courtroom, Muhammad probably won't look that bad in comparison.

Liza Sued
Producer David Gest is suing Liza Minnelli for $10 million, accusing his estranged wife of beating him so much that it caused neurological damage. But Minnelli's lawyers say the brain damage was obviously a pre-existing condition because of several questionable things Gest did in the past... like marrying Liza Minnelli.

McKeon's Marlins
72-year old Marlins manager Jack McKeon is winning praise for overcoming age discrimination to win his job and lead his team to the World Series. Unfortunately McKeon is now working in Florida, where most of the local citizens believe he is too young to be a manager.


Florida House Vote
The Florida State Legislature has voted overwhelmingly to force doctors to reinsert a feeding tube into the severely brain-damaged Terry Schiavo. The politicians say if it becomes okay to kill off apparently vegetative adults, none of them will ever be safe.


Kobe Trial
Kobe Bryant will stand trial for rape even though the judge says the prosecution's chances of winning are "minimal." The NBA is actually praising the decision, noting that it uses similar thinking every time it allows the LA Clippers to play.


Gay High School Clubs
Hundreds of teenage students across the country are suing for the right to form Gay clubs at their schools. Legal experts say it makes a lot of sense for Gay kids to fight for equal rights in America's high schools, where the students are well-known for showing each other respect, courtesy, and friendly affection each and every day.

UN Shooter Sentenced
A Korean-American postal worker who repeatedly fired a pistol at U.N. headquarters last year has been sentenced to 27 months in prison. The judge said 58-year old Steve Kim deserved a stiff sentence for endangering innocent people, disturbing the peace, and not hitting at least one member of the French delegation.

Lieberman Skips Iowa
Democratic presidential candidate Joseph Lieberman announced today that he's going to skip the Iowa caucuses. Lieberman said he made the decision because he has a slim chance of winning there, he needs to focus on other primaries, and not one person on his entire campaign staff has been able to find a decent bagel anywhere in Des Moines.

Anderson Protest
Former "Baywatch" star Pamela Anderson is accusing KFC of abusing millions of chickens, and is urging a consumer boycott of the fast-food franchise. Animal-rights activists say Anderson is an obvious choice to lead the protest, as she naturally identifies with all creatures used mostly for their breasts.


Iraq Loan
The Senate is defying the Bush administration by insisting that Iraq repay most of the $87 billion aid package with proceeds from oil sales. But political experts say the Iraqis are already repaying America, by making sure President Bush won't be re-elected next year.


Doping Scandal
The U.S. Olympic Committee says it's uncovered a doping "conspiracy" involving powerful drugs used by American track and field athletes to enhance their performance. In another sports doping scandal coming to light today, investigators have discovered that thousands of Cubs and Red Sox fans will be taking even stronger drugs to get through this weekend.

Space Diet
Lt. Col. Yang Liwei, China's first human being in space, says he spent some of his time in orbit eating delicious Chinese dishes, including spicy shredded pork, diced chicken and fried rice. But Liwei did have one complaint -- apparently the delivery guy wouldn't get out of the capsule and return to Earth without a tip.

Time Warner Name Change
In a move aimed at improving its image for investors, AOL Time Warner officially drops the "AOL" from its name and returns to being called just "Time Warner." In another cost-cutting move, Time Warner-owned CNN is dropping Aaron Brown's wig and returning it to is natural habitat.

Doctors & Marijuana
The Supreme Court has cleared the way for doctors to tell patients the possible benefits of medical marijuana and give them permission to use it. Previously, discussing the good things about marijuana and scoring some pot was something you could only do with medical STUDENTS.

The Arnold Effect
Political pundits say Arnold Schwarzenegger's victory in California is the biggest reason why President Bush's approval ratings have improved... which makes sense because now the voters finally see someone else in office who also speaks English poorly and has no idea what he's doing.

Breast Implant Debate
The Food and Drug Administration is considering lifting its ban on silicone breast implants. While major scientific studies have never proven that silicone-gel implants cause serious diseases, there is no denying that they played a key role in creating the damaging careers of Pamela Anderson and Anna Nicole Smith.


China Launch
China's government will not allow live TV coverage of the nation's first manned space flight, which is expected to launch later this week. However, pirated DVD's of the mission are expected to be available on the streets of New York City by Thursday.

Conjoined Twins Surgery
Doctors in Dallas have successfully separated two-year-old twin boys from Egypt who had been joined at the head after 34 hours in surgery. Now little Ahmed and Mohamed Ibrahim will be able to fulfill their parents' dreams of carrying out separate suicide bombings against Israelis AND Americans.

NFL Lawsuit
The parents of a girl injured in an accident caused by a drunken New York Giants fan who drank 14 beers at a game have sued the NFL, contending the league promotes that kind of behavior. Meanwhile, Giants fans are suing the team, contending that the way they play makes it impossible to watch them unless you drink at least 14 beers at the game.

Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Activist Shirin Ebadi has won the 2003 Nobel Peace Prize, and the $1 million that goes with it, for fighting for religious freedom and women's rights in Iran. That's the most money anyone's been paid for taking on a lost cause since the Mets hired that new manager last year.

Nukes to France
The U.S. government has asked the Nuclear Regulatory Commission for an export license to ship 300 pounds of weapons-grade plutonium to France. Top reasons why the U.S. is doing this:

-Okay, we didn't find the WMD... but if we give some to France they'll probably end up in some Arab country sooner or later

-Sure, we're sending them some plutonium... it'll be delivered in a launched ICBM

-What's the big deal? We've been sending the French our dangerous materials for years... didn't they take Jerry Lewis off our hands?

-France really deserves something back for supporting us so much over the years... just kidding!

-This is a quid pro quo... we send them nukes, they promise to get all the remaining Peugeots off U.S. roads by next year

NEWSDAY ALERT!!

I'M BACK IN THE "PUNCHLINES" COLUMN IN TODAY'S NEWSDAY! CLICK ON THE LINK TO VIEW:

Newsday Link

Tiger Attack Explained
Siegfried Fischbacher says the white tiger did not attack his partner Roy Horn, but was simply trying to help him offstage by picking him up by the neck with its teeth. Wildlife experts aren't sure if that account is true, but they are certain that in the coming weeks, Fischbacher can expect to get job offers from Johnnie Cochran's law firm and the Republican National Committee.


New Ride
Disney World is unveiling a new $100 million ride that simulates a space shuttle mission to Mars. Business experts say CEO Michael Eisner's decision to team up with NASA really makes him look better, because the space agency is the only organization that's wasted more money than Disney in the last 10 years.

Arafat Sick
Yasser Arafat has suffered a mild heart attack, and his aides are calling for a 48-hour moratorium on terror attacks against Israel in reaction to the news. Palestinian spokesmen say they'll need that time to reassess the leadership situation, try to restart peace talks, and give Arafat a chance to visit a decent Jewish cardiologist in Tel Aviv.

Barbie Alternative
Muslim toy designer Ammar Saadeh has created a new girl's doll named "Razanne" complete with head coverings and other modest clothing. Saadeh says the main message he's trying to put forward with Razanne is that "looks aren't as important as what's inside you"... which is why the doll is filled with high-powered explosives.

Spears Stalker
A judge has ordered a Japanese businessman to stop stalking pop idol Britney Spears, saying the evidence proves his obsession with Spears was due to mental instability . That evidence consisted entirely of Spears' last two cd's and a DVD of her movie "Crossroads."

Schwarzenegger Allegations
Arnold Schwarzenegger's opponents in the California gubernatorial election are demanding he provide more details about the allegations that he groped and harassed at least 16 women over the last 28 years. Gray Davis wants to know if Arnold will admit he committed crimes, Tom McClintock wants to know if Schwarzenegger will mount a stronger defense, and Larry Flynt wants to know if he took any pictures.


Tiger in New York
The Harlem man who kept a tiger in his apartment says he did it to create "his own version of the Garden of Eden." But experts say things would have worked out much better if his Eden had also included a Tree of Knowledge.

Arnold's Admission
Allegations that Arnold Schwarzenegger groped several women over the last 25 years could put a dent in his popularity in the polls... but the good news is now, his Kennedy in-laws finally identify with him enough to help his campaign.


Arnold the Barbarian
Six women are alleging that Arnold Schwarzenegger harassed and abused them. Two of the women say he touched them in a sexual manner without their consent. The other four are filing complaints because they paid money to see "Twins," "Jingle all the Way," and "Hercules in New York."


Arnold on Adolf
Arnold is also being accused of making comments about how he admires Adolf Hitler. But Schwarzenegger is strongly denying that, insisting the media must have him confused with Mel Gibson.


Mega Sergeant
U.S. Army Sergeant Stephen Moore has won the $150 million jackpot in the multi-state Mega Millions lottery. Military experts say Moore better get that money in the bank before his superiors at the Pentagon try to use it all to buy two hammers and a coffee maker.


WMD Questions
David Kay, the head of the American search for banned weapons in Iraq, will face more tough questions in Washington today after admitting his team hadn't found any weapons of mass destruction. Republicans will ask Kay if his team needs more support, Democrats will want to know if he's being pressured by the White House, and Robert Novak will try to find out where his wife works.


College Costs Study
A new study shows that most families often overestimate the real cost of college tuition. Top money-saving facts most families are overlooking:

-Here's a tip: Your kid doesn't need $15,000 for books no matter how many times he calls home to ask for it during the semester

-You can pay tuition on your own time... who's the college going to send after you, a professor with a lethally boring lecture?

-Tell the school you paid tuition this semester in the form of an illegal gift to the football team

-Drunken college kids are easy marks... teach your kid how to pickpocket

-Tell your kid you'll only pay for courses that will really help him get a job after school... that'll cut costs by about 99%

Rush Resigns
Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh resigned from ESPN after sparking outrage by saying Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb is overrated because he's Black. In his resignation letter, Limbaugh said he had nothing against Blacks and he emphasized that the attack was directed at the media which, he reminded everyone, is controlled by the Jews.

Rush's Rostrum
Top comments Rush Limbaugh would have made on this weekend's NFL Countdown show:

-Washington Redskins would start playing even better if they changed their name to the "DC Drunken Savages"

-Overpaid players on the Oakland Raiders will start producing as soon as they get another upper class tax cut

-New York Giants are starting this season poorly because all their Jewish fans are too busy celebrating the High Holidays

-Black NFL players who got into colleges on Affirmative Action should be forced to buy all rejected White students DirecTV

-New York Jets fans should be given government vouchers to buy season tickets for another team

Limbaugh Loaded
Limbaugh is also being investigated on charges he regularly bought prescription painkillers from an illegal market drug ring. Limbaugh's former housekeeper tells cops he took hundreds of little blue and little white pills every week, but refused to take the little black ones because he said they were "lazy and didn't work fast enough."

White House Leak
President Bush's promised crackdown on White House leaks began last night. But Mr. Bush stopped hitting Spot the family dog with a newspaper when his aides told him that wasn't exactly the kind of leak they were talking about.


Muslim Aid
A new State Department report says the U.S. must spend millions more in economic aid to Arab countries if it wants to improve its image in the Muslim world. The report apparently assumes terrorists will stop blowing themselves up as soon as they get that extra slice of government surplus cheese.


Video Deliveries
The major Hollywood movie studios will no longer send out copies of new movies to Academy members in advance of the awards season. Executives say they're doing it to cut down on costs, eliminate movie piracy, and because Winona Ryder never returns any of the tapes.


Homework Study
A new report by the Brookings Institute says American public schools aren't giving students as much homework as their parents think. It turns out most kids are just spending a few hours every night planning an escape route for the next shooting incident.