Woodruff Update
ABC news anchor Bob Woodruff has opened his eyes and is responding to some stimuli after undergoing surgery for massive head wounds. Right wing bloggers say they will attack ABC News if it continues to focus on the Woodruff's injuries and not all the positive things that have happened to him since.

New Al Zawahiri Tape
Al Jazeera aired a new videotape from Aymin al Zawahiri Monday. It's his second tape this month, confounding his agent and manager who warned him about releasing too much product on the market all at once.

New Al Zawahiri Tape II
In his latest videotape, Aymin al Zawahiri mocks President Bush for not being able to find him in Pakistan. Actually, President Bush can't even find Pakistan.

New Al Zawahiri Tape III
Al-Zawahiri taunted the U.S. president, saying, "Bush, do you know where I am? I am among the Muslim masses, enjoying their care with God's blessings and sharing with them their holy war against you until we defeat you"... which is al Qaeda code for: "I'm hiding in a cave fighting off the rats for the last slice of pita."

Olympic Ratings
Experts believe the ratings for this year's Winter Olympics will be weak. That's because if people want to see a bunch of doped-up amateurs competing, they can just watch "American Idol."

Alito Vote
By a vote of 72-25, the U.S. Senate voted to block a filibuster of judge Samuel Alito's Supreme Court confirmation vote... mostly because no one wants to make his wife cry.

Israel Cuts Off Hamas
Acting Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert says Israel will shun contact with Hamas because its charter still calls for the destruction of Israel. That's pretty picky, no? I mean the fine print in my credit card contract calls for my destruction, and I still do business with them all the time.

Condi's Mistake
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice admits the Bush administration was surprised by the Hamas victory, because it failed to understand the deep hostility Palestinians had toward their leaders in the Fatah party. That makes sense; the Bush administration has failed to recognize the deep hostility Americans have toward our leaders in White House too.

LA Sues Grand Theft Auto
The Los Angeles city attorney's office has sued the makers of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" for allegedly hiding pornographic material inside the video game. City officials say they don't think people should have to look so hard for their porn.

New Bird Flu Scare
U.N. health officials say a 15 year-old girl Iraqi girl died this month of the bird flu after eating chicken. The news is shocking millions around the world who didn't think there was anyone in Iraq who actually had any chicken!

Anchor Injured
ABC World News Tonight co-anchor Bob Woodruff and cameraman Doug Vogt are in serious condition after being injured by a roadside bomb in Iraq. The incident has prompted right wing bloggers to publicly state that they still support the war but oppose the journalists.

Insurgent Apology
Iraqi insurgent leaders are already apologizing for the attack that left ABC World News Tonight co-anchor Bob Woodruff and cameraman Doug Vogt seriously injured. The terrorists say they were really trying to get someone from FOX News.

Palestinian Unrest
Defiant Fatah militants and Hamas terrorists seem destined for civil war in the Palestinian territories. The loser will have to take responsibility for feeding Suha Arafat.

Bush Preps
As he prepares for Tuesday's State of the Union address, the White House says President Bush is likely to focus on modest goals... like getting through his State of the Union Address.

Top 5 Banned Words in President Bush's State of the Union Address

5) "Lobbyist"

4) "WMD's"

3) "Enron"

2) "Nuclear"

1) "Brokeback"

Silvio's Promise
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is promising not to have sex until after the April 9th national elections. That's because he wants to rest up before he screws the whole Italian nation for another 4 1/2 years.

Baby Rescued
A barely-alive infant baby was found stuffed inside a plastic bag in a Brazilian lake this weekend. This is a horrific story, but somehow, liberals and conservatives in the United States will find a way to blame this on each other.

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

MICHIGAN RADIO ALERT!! People in the Battle Creek area can catch me on Super Rock 104.9 Saturday mornings at 7:50AM!! I'll be doing a special "Week in Review" with DJ Bobby Guy. Check it out!

Frey Comes Clean
Millions of Americans are outraged now that it's clear author James Frey lied to them about parts of his book. They would have been a lot more forgiving if Frey had misled them about something less important, like weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

Oprah Admission II
After re-interviewing now disgraced author James Frey on her show Thursday, Oprah Winfrey apologized for misleading her viewers about his book. Then Oprah shocked her viewers yet again when she finally admitted that she is not Jesus.

Top 5 Signs You're Reading a Phony Autobiography

5) Before you buy it, you have to sign a legal document promising not to sue the publisher

4) Author writes a lot about growing up with his pet dinosaur

3) At book signings, the author always wears a mask

2) Chapter one deals with the author's long trip to Earth from the planet Krypton

1) It's written by someone in the Bush administration

GM Losses
General Motors has announced it lost a stunning $4.8 billion in the fourth quarter of 2005. GM attributes the losses to gas prices, sagging SUV sales, and its ill-fated decision to invade Iraq.

Hamas Roadblock
Israeli leaders say they won't be able to negotiate with Hamas, because you can't reason with people bent on your destruction. I guess none of these Israeli politicians has ever dealt with a divorce lawyer.

Hamas and Bush
Hamas' victory is also seen as a blow to the Bush administration... which enjoys so much strong support among all other Arab groups.

Penn Cause of Death
Two days after finding Chris Penn dead in his apartment, police are still not sure of the cause of death. However, since he was Sean Penn's brother, it's most likely he died of embarrassment.

Palestinian Elections
Experts say that no matter who prevails in the Palestinian elections, the real winners will be the Palestinian people. That's because when they go into the voting booth, it's one of the few times they can push a button without blowing themselves up.

Top 5 Signs Your Political Candidate is a Terrorist

5) At strategy meetings, he keeps saying things like: "I'll blow that bridge up when I get to it."

4) Considers raising his poll numbers by kidnapping the pollsters

3) No one wants to ride in his motorcade

2) All his campaign donations come from France

1) He never makes any public speeches; only audiotapes

Palestinian Elections II
Turnout has been strong in the Palestinian elections... a surprising development since all the buses to the polling centers are being operated by Hamas.

Palestinian Elections III
Hamas leaders say they are considering building a coalition with Fatah. The partnership will consist of Fatah buying the bombs and Hamas exploding them.

Palestinian Elections IV
The leading Hamas candidates are seen as the "brain trust" of the movement. Well, that makes sense; they're the only ones smart enough not to have committed suicide.

Isiah Lawsuit
A former Knicks employee has slapped team President and General Manager Isiah Thomas with a sexual harassment suit. This isn't exactly surprising; Isiah's been screwing millions of Knicks fans for years now.

Bush NSA Visit
President Bush spent Wednesday visiting the ultra-secret National Security Agency. He was there to boost the morale of the employees who support him, and get the names of those who don't so he can leak them to Robert Novak.

Google Blocks
The search engine Google has agreed to bar Internet users in China from searching for the truth about certain phrases and terms so it can do business in that country. The most commonly blocked terms will be "freedom," "democracy," and "MSG."

Blacks and Cigarettes
A new study shows that blacks that smoke cigarettes are more likely to die than white people who light up. Not because of any medical reasons; but because trigger-happy cops are more likely to claim that the pack of cigarettes a black man is carrying looks like a loaded pistol.

WEB ALERT!!! I have a full-length satirical story on EnduringVision.com that's also being featured on HumorFeed.com. Here are the links: EnduringVision and HumorFeed

New Judge
A new judge has been named to preside over the Saddam Hussein trial. The Iraqi government chose a legal expert who can out-argue and out-berate him at every turn: Nancy Grace.

Top 5 Hamas Presidential Campaign Slogans

5) "Suicide is Painless"

4) "A Terrorist's Work is Never Done"

3) "We Still Hate Jews More than the French!"

2) "At Least We're Better Looking than Hanan Ashrawi"

1) "A Chicken in Every Falafel, a Car Bomb in Every Garage"

New Canadian Leader
Canada's new Conservative Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, says he wants to "fix fences" with the U.S. That's nice, but the first thing he should do is fix our levees.

Execution Stay
A convicted cop-killer has been given a last-minute stay of execution by the Florida courts. Experts says his best chance to stay alive is convincing Governor Bush that he's actually a brain-damaged white woman on life support.

Disney-Pixar Deal
Now that Disney has closed its deal to buy Pixar Animation, Pixar founder Steve Jobs says the companies can operate without its previous "boundaries." By boundaries he meant Michael Eisner, and Michael Eisner's ego.

Disney-Pixar Deal II
Disney has closed a deal to buy Pixar Animation for $7.4 billion. The Pixar animators' first job will be teaching the people at Disney how to make animated movies that don't suck.

Ford Layoffs
Ford Motor Company has announced it will lay off 30,000 workers. The news is shocking automotive experts who didn't know Ford had 30,000 workers left to lay off.

Ford Strategy
CEO Bill Ford says the latest round of layoffs are part of a plan to "focus only on its winning brands." That would make sense if Ford had any winning brands.

Bush on Wiretaps
President Bush insists he wasn't breaking the law by authorizing domestic wiretaps because he informed Congressional leaders about it. Actually, members of Congress are the best to people to talk to about breaking the law.

Bush on Wire Taps II
President Bush insists the domestic wire tapping program has saved lives... mostly the lives of the FBI agents who might have been killed trying to stop terrorists if they hadn't been wasting their time listening to phone conversations.

Blackberry Ruling
The U.S. Supreme Court made a ruling Monday that could shut down all Blackberry service worldwide. This means leading business executives may actually have to talk to their employees for the first time in years.

Blackberry Ruling II
The U.S. Supreme Court made a ruling Monday that could shut down all Blackberry service worldwide... it's a serious blow to 99% of American business executives who have no idea how to write in complete sentences.

Kerry's Attack
John Kerry is attacking the White House, calling the Bush administration "inept." Yeah, they're so inept, the only thing they can do right is beat John Kerry in an election.

Dogs Sense Cancer?
A new study says dogs may be able to use their sense of smell to detect cancer in humans... well I guess my dog thinks I have colon cancer.

Bolivia's New President
Evo Morales, the new socialist President of Bolivia, has promised to "reclaim our nation's natural resources." That's admirable, but are the Bolivian people really ready to take that much cocaine?

Union Rejects Contract
Now that the Transit Union has voted down the MTA's contract offer; the future of subway service in the city is unclear... although not as unclear as the average subway announcement.

Hillary's Strategy
Political experts say Senator Hillary Clinton's latest attacks on President Bush are the first part of her 2008 presidential campaign. At some point, someone's going to have to break it to Hillary that Bush can't run again in 2008.

Hamas Favored
Hamas is expected to win a big victory in the Palestinian elections this week. Experts say the party is gaining popularity by vowing to win statehood, end corruption, and raise the mandatory suicide bombing age from 14 to 21.

West Wing Canceled
NBC has announced it's canceling the "West Wing" at the end of this season. That means liberals who want to daydream about what it would be like if they were in power will just have to keep reading the New York Times.

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

EDITORIAL ALERT!!! I have a humorous editorial in today's Newsday and Newsday.com about the real estate bubble. Check it out here: Bubble Bubble

Defending the American Taliban
John Walker Lindh's father broke his long silence Friday and insisted his son was not a terrorist and was simply "brainwashed by the Taliban." If true, that would be the only kind of washing they do in the Taliban.

MICHIGAN RADIO ALERT!! People in the Battle Creek area can catch me on Super Rock 104.9 Saturday morning at 7:50AM!! I'll be doing a special "Week in Review" with DJ Bobby Guy. Check it out!

Osama on Tape?
The latest audio tape, purportedly from Osama bin Laden, talks about rising U.S. casualties and how America should pull out of Iraq. The CIA is certain the tape is either the voice of bin Laden or Nancy Pelosi.

Top 5 Osama bin Laden New Complaints about America

5) Curses Wal-Mart and Target for their "war on Ramadan"

4) American news media giving that whacky new Iranian president all the best coverage

3) Shaq and Kobe making up totally makes the NBA boring again

2) They're canceling "Arrested Development"

1) "Brokeback Mountain" grossed him out

Osama's Offer
In the new tape, bin Laden offers Americans a truce if we remove our troops from Iraq, stop bombing al Qaeda targets, and get all the Brad and Angelina stories off the news.

Osama's Tape II
Osama bin Laden's latest audio tape is his first recording released in over a year; confounding record producers who were really hoping to get his new album in stores in time for Christmas.

UCLA Liberal Witch Hunt
The Bruin Alumni Association is offering students $100 each to supply them tapes and notes exposing professors who express left-wing political views. Boy, those guys are going to run out of money real fast.

Underground Cell Service
Four companies submitted bids this week to make it possible for riders to use their cell phones on all New York City subways. The only thing each bidder has in common is that they all work for Satan.

Prison Break
A prisoner in Australia escaped from jail by losing 30 pounds so he could squeeze through a hole he chiseled in a brick wall. His new "Prison Escapee" diet book is due in stores by summer!

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com. Here's the link: Newsday

Top 5 Kids Shows on the New Hamas TV Network

5) "Prayer Rug Rats"

4) "Postcards from Osama"

3) "Mr. Rogers Refugee Camp Neighborhood"

2) "SpongeBob Explosive Pants"

1) "Bob the Illegal West Bank Settlement Builder"

Scotus on Abortion
The Supreme Court has sent a parental-notification abortion case back to the lower courts. The mostly elderly justices say they're holding out for a grandparent-notification case.

Scotus On Assisted Suicide
The Supreme Court has ruled against the Bush administration's attempt to punish Oregon doctors who engage in assisted suicides. The White House only favors helping people die by sending them to fight in Iraq.

Hillary Attacked
The White House says Senator Hillary Clinton was "out of bounds" when she compared the Republican-controlled House to a plantation. The administration is now recommending Mrs. Clinton be whipped, chained and forced to work in the cotton fields for the rest of the week.

Nagin's Gaffe
New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin is apologizing for saying that New Orleans should be a "chocolate city." Nagin says that New Orleans is really more like Chocolate Liqueur.

Blair Kidnap Plot
British police have discovered a plot by a divorced fathers' rights group to kidnap Prime Minister Tony Blair's 5 year-old son Leo. The dads ditched the plan when they realized taking care of the kid would get in the way of their nightly drinking and football game watching at the pub.

Toussaint's Call for a Jury Trial
New York city Transit Union boss Roger Toussaint says a jury of real New Yorkers would never send him to jail for starting the 3-day illegal subway strike. He's right, we wouldn't send him to jail... we'd just beat him to a bloody pulp!

Legal British Brothels?
The British government says it's considering legalizing small-scale brothels, provided they employ no more than two prostitutes and a receptionist... um, won't they need a mop guy too?

Aspirin's Benefits
Researchers say taking aspirin reduces the risk of heart attacks in men while reducing the risk of strokes in women. Madison Avenue is now marketing aspirin as "the wonder drug for transsexuals."

Cronkite's New Love
Walter Cronkite has been dating Joanna Simon, a New York City realtor, who is 20 years his junior. Cronkite is interested in her youth and beauty; Simon is interested in his 3-bedroom apartment.

Top 5 Things Discovered by the FBI's Illegal Wire Taps

5) You can't get decent falafel anywhere in North Carolina

4) Tony Shalhoub is finally more popular than Jamie Farr

3) 7-11's Slurpee machines are only cleaned once a year

2) Most Arabs voted for Clay Aiken

1) Verizon sucks

When Hillary Attacks
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has accused Republicans of running the House of Representatives like a "plantation." That's opposed to the way her husband ran the White House, which was like a brothel.

Whitney and Bobby Split?
Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are reportedly ending their 14-year marriage. Whitney will get to keep the house and the kids, and Bobby gets to keep all the drugs.

Ant Study
A new study has found that ants actually teach other ants how to perform tasks... except for the Christian ants who are against public education.

Jacko's New Job
Michael Jackson will reportedly work as a consultant to a company that builds theme parks across the world. Jackson is considered the world's leading expert on roller coasters, haunted houses, and everything else that makes kids scream.

Pluto Mission
NASA will try again today to launch the New Horizons rocket on its 9-year-long mission to reach Pluto. It could actually get there faster, but it's going to go real slow to save on gas.

Pluto Mission II
NASA will try again today to launch the New Horizons rocket on its 9-year-long mission to reach Pluto. The only longer trip than that is the A train to Far Rockaway.

WEB ALERT!!! A full-length satirical story I wrote at the beginning of last year has been chosen as one of the Top Ten Satire News Stories of 2005 by HumorFeed! Here's the link to the official announcement and info on how the top 3 stories will be chosen: HumorFeed

Al Zawahiri No Show
It turns out the U.S. air strike targeting al Qaeda chieftain Aymin al Zawahiri failed because he didn't show up to a special Islamic feast that was prepared for him at a Pakistani hideout. It's not clear what the CIA is more upset about, missing al Zawahiri, or going to all that trouble to make a nice dinner.

Senators for Sanctions
Several U.S. Senators say the possibility of higher oil prices shouldn't stop the world from imposing sanctions against Iran. But all of the Senators would halt the sanction discussion if they had to pay higher oil prices.

CNN Banned in Iran
Iran's government banned CNN journalists from working in the country Monday after the network misquoted Iran's president. Actually, the real reason for the ban is that Iranians think Anderson Cooper actually sucks worse than Aaron Brown.

Money Train Gone
The "Money train," the secret train the traveled New York City's subway lines each night collecting cash from station booths, was taken out of service this weekend. From now on, all the cash will be taken from each station booth and delivered directly to the Transit Union's executive board.

Cronkite's Cause
Former CBS News anchor Walter Cronkite says that if he were still on TV, he would say the war in Iraq is unwinnable and our troops should come home. But the only way he'd be on TV is if he were doing an infomercial for denture cream.

Cronkite's Cause II
Former CBS News anchor Walter Cronkite says that if he were still on TV, he would say the war in Iraq is unwinnable and our troops should come home... and then a bunch of right wing bloggers would prove that his opinion was a forgery.

Meth-Fighting Law
In order to stop methamphetamine production, Illinois is now requiring residents to show ID before purchasing a popular decongestant used to make the illegal drug. But if you don't have ID, you can just hock a loogie on the pharmacist.

Saddam Judge Wants to Quit
The presiding judge in the war crimes trial of Saddam Hussein has asked to resign. He says that if he wanted to spend his whole day arguing with dictatorial jerks, he could stay home with his wife.

American Worries
A new poll shows that Americans are less concerned about the economy and are now more worried the war in Iraq. And of course, the war has absolutely nothing to do with the economy!

Jury Duty Mistake
A 2 year-old Massachusetts girl received a jury summons this week. It was a terrible mistake; naive 2 year-olds are only eligible to serve on juries in California.

Long Day
I just spent seven straight hours watching the NFL playoffs on TV. I'm not sure if the best teams won, but I am sure that I need to buy a case of beer, three pizzas and a bottle of Levitra right now!

Iran's Holocaust Conference
Iran has just announced plans to host an international Holocaust conference. The official title for the forum will be "The Good Old Days."

Iran's Holocaust Conference II
The president of Iran is actually inviting some Israeli scholars to his planned Holocaust forum... and he's sending some cattle cars to pick them up right now.

Top 5 things Overheard at the Iranian Holocaust Conference

5) "Killing six million Jews was a great idea, but it never really happened"

4) "I'm not sure if 'Munich' is anti-Israel, but I sure thought it was too damn long."

3) "The Nazis killed a lot of Jews, but thankfully they still left plenty for us to murder too"

2) "I'm really not sure anymore; is Pat Robertson on our side or not?"

1) "This sure beats getting trampled at the Haj"

Pakistani Protests
Pakistan is protesting after a CIA air-strike on Aymin al-Zawahiri's hideout failed to hit the al Qaeda chieftain and ended up killing some civilians instead. Well, at least we targeted the right country this time; I mean, we invaded Iraq because of 9/11 and Osama bin Laden had never even been there!

Capsule Lands in Utah
NASA scientists were elated after a space capsule bearing comet and star dust made a safe landing in Utah Sunday. Imagine how excited they'll be when the capsule actually returns to Earth.

New President in Chile
Michelle Bachelet, a Socialist leader, has become the first woman to be elected president of Chile. The big question now is not if all the Chilean people will accept here, but how long it will take Pat Robertson to call for her assassination.

Remembering Shelly Winters
Two-time Oscar-winning actress Shelly Winters died this weekend. Winters donated her first Oscar to the Anne Frank museum in Amsterdam, and the second one she ate.

Incompetent Clerks
Three employees at the University of South Florida have been fired after $275,000 in expired uncashed checks were found just lying around their administrative offices. It's an incident like this that makes it clear why the school's football players only accept cash.

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Al-Zawahiri Not Dead
The government now says al Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri was not killed in a CIA airstrike on his suspected Pakistani hideout today. Critics say the agency should have known Zawahiri was out at the monthly al Qaeda-Hezbollah dance mixer.

MICHIGAN RADIO ALERT!! People in the Battle Creek area can catch me on Super Rock 104.9 Saturday morning at 7:50AM!! I'll be doing a special "Week in Review" with DJ Bobby Guy. Check it out!

Bush Visit
After visiting the areas hit by Hurricane Katrina Thursday, President Bush said he was pleasantly surprised by how good New Orleans and the Gulf Coast look. Of course, this is coming from the man who thinks things are going great in Iraq too.

Top 5 Pat Robertson Excuses

5) Really didn't think there were any Israelis who watched "The 700 Club"

4) He's been overly nervous ever since they released that guy who shot the Pope

3) He thought what he said was nicer than blaming it on doughnuts and falafel

2) His new drug plan doesn't cover psychiatric medications

1) What, like he's said anything that wasn't stupid in 30 years?

Hearings Over
The final day of questioning in Judge Samuel Alito's confirmation hearings proved mostly uneventful as Senator after Senator failed to make Alito's wife cry.

Alito's Chances
It seems likely that Judge Samuel Alito will be confirmed for a seat on the Supreme Court... mostly because most Democratic Senators can't stand to make his wife cry anymore.

Path to Greatness
Legal experts say it's now obvious that the best way to become a Supreme Court Justice is to never publicly state your opinion on any major issue. That's also the best way to be a successful local news anchor.

Iran Warning
U.S. and European leaders are urging the United Nations to block Iran from resuming its nuclear weapons program. U.N. workers say they will do something, as soon as they can figure out how to get some really good oil-for-food bribe money out of it.

Iran's Moves
First the president of Iran denied the Holocaust and pledged to wipe Israel off the map. Then, Tehran resumed its nuclear program. Either this is the dumbest country in the world, or Israel is getting set up for the greatest "Punk'd" ever!

Ancestry Study
A new study shows that 3.5 million of the world's Jews descended from just four women who lived about 2,000 years ago. Nothing much is known about the women, except they each claimed to have 3.5 million reasons to complain and make everyone feel guilty.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com. Here's the link: Newsday

Brad & Angelina Expecting
Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt's baby. Several members of the paparazzi are now attempting to enter Jolie's womb to get a shot of the fetus.

Brad & Angelina Expecting II
Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt's baby. The fetus has already been signed to a $10 million modeling contract.

Alito Agita
Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee say they are troubled and unsatisfied by Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito's answers to their questions. Of course, they won't be satisfied until he tells them how to win an election.

Alito in CAP?
When questioned about his membership in the "Concerned Alumni of Princeton," a group that opposed admission of women and minorities at the school, Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito said he had no specific recollection of that organization. Of course it was hard to remember what happened at those meetings what with the cross burnings and everyone wearing hoods and stuff.

Top 5 Goals of the Concerned Alumni of Princeton

5) Keep women out, not because of sexism, but because most girls can kick the Princeton football players' asses

4) Accept no applicant who has fewer than 5 pairs of plaid pants

3) Accept Jews and Asians, but just enough so that it looks like the students are working

2) Keep the poor and minorities out... not because of racism, but because they're needed to fight the war in Iraq so we can keep our SUV's

1) Do everything in their power to make people forget the fact that the school is in New Jersey

Eminem Getting Re-married
Eminem and his ex-wife Kim Mathers, applied for a marriage license this week. 15 minutes later, they applied for a boxing license.

NSA Monitoring
A longtime National Security Agency employee says that the NSA has the capability of monitoring millions of American phone conversations at a time... which is kind of what I do every morning when I'm stuck on the train with a bunch of annoying people on their cell phones.

Drinking on the Job
A new study shows that an estimated 15 percent of American workers consume alcohol on the job, or have a drink before going to work. They find the booze helps them to nap at their desks.

Sharon Improving
Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's doctors say his condition continues to improve after suffering a massive stroke last week. But he'll have to get much better before they let him co-host ABC's New Year's Rocking Eve with Dick Clark later this year.

Cabbie's New Home
A former New York cab driver who earned a fortune in Russian oil has bought a Fifth Avenue mansion for $40 million. The home will feature solid gold air freshener trees in every room.

Clemency Request
A 75 year-old California man on death row is asking for clemency saying that he's too old and sick to be executed. Yeah, you'd hate to go to all that trouble of arranging an execution and then have him die on you.

Opened Mail
The Customs Department now admits that U.S. officials do open personal mail arriving from abroad as part of the fight against terrorism, drugs, and the trafficking of bad vacation pictures.

New Singing Show
Fox is producing a new reality series from Simon Cowell called "Duets," where celebrities who can't sing will be teamed with professional singers. But there already is a show that does that every year, it's called "The Oscars."

Cough Syrup Warning
A medical group is advising people that over-the-counter cough syrups do nothing to cure coughs. And a patients' group is advising those doctors that people actually just use cough syrup for the buzz.

Belafonte Accusation
While visiting Venezuela this weekend, singer Harry Belafonte called President Bush "the greatest terrorist in the world." It's not clear now who's angrier at Belafonte, President Bush or Osama bin Laden.

NFL Nixes Levitra
The NFL won't renew its sponsorship deal with Levitra or other erectile-enhancing products, saying it fears the commercials may someday get too graphic for young viewers. Yeah, you never want to have sexy scenes getting in the way of kids seeing guys knocking each others heads in.

Black Hole Journey
Astronomers now say that the one-way journey from the heart of a galaxy into the oblivion of a black hole probably takes about 200,000 years. Really? I thought the flight from New York to Detroit was just two hours.

Alito Questioning
The confirmation hearing for Judge Samuel Alito began in the Senate on Monday. Of course Alito wasn't surprised by any of the Senators' questions, because the White House had all of their offices wire-tapped weeks ago.

Teddy's Book
Senator Ted Kennedy has written a children's book called "My Senator and Me: A Dogs-Eye View of Washington, DC." In the book the dog explains to kids how a bill becomes a law, how Senator Kennedy gets to work, and how they should never ride in a car with him over the 14th Street Bridge.

Saddam's Defense
Saddam Hussein's new defense strategy is to say that he was the head of state and had unlimited powers against enemies who did not have legal protection. Apparently, he's put some of President Bush's lawyers on retainer.

Phantom's Run
"The Phantom of Opera" is now the longest-running show in Broadway history. But after 17 1/2 years, you'd think the Phantom could have gotten plastic surgery by now.

Replacing DeLay
Reps. Roy Blunt of Missouri and John Boehner of Ohio are vying to replace Tom DeLay as House Majority Leader by calling all the top power brokers on Capitol Hill and asking for their support. And after they're finished with the lobbyists, they'll ask their fellow Congressmen for their votes too.

Kirstie's Method
Famed Scientologist Kirstie Alley has spawned a controversy by losing 100 pounds using Jenny Craig, and not Scientology's weight loss program. But Alley says she's saving that for the other 100 pounds she still needs to lose.

Sharon Risk
Doctors in Israel say they're going to take a risk and wake Prime Minister Ariel Sharon from his coma Monday. Of course if they really want to take a risk, they could try waking President Bush from his coma too.

Congressional Corruption
House Speaker Dennis Hastert issued a statement Sunday saying he intends to "aggressively deal with lobbying reform." And Hastert explained he'll decide about the best way to do that after he consults with a few lobbyists.

Top 5 Changes in this Summer's new "Superman" Movie

5) Environmentalists force fortress of solitude to be moved from North Pole to Biosphere III

4) Due to massive newspaper layoffs, Clark Kent is now just a blogger

3) New super costume designed by the "Queer Eye" guys

2) New York Times attacks Man of Steel for using his super hearing to eavesdrop on Americans without a warrant

1) In the tradition of "Brokeback Mountain" Superman has affair with Jimmy Olson

Pope-Shooter Released
Mehmet Ali Agca, the man who shot Pope John Paul II in 1981, is being released from prison. Agca won his release when his lawyers finally convinced the courts this week that he would never shoot Pope John Paul II again.

Pope-Shooter Released II
Mehmet Ali Agca, the man who shot Pope John Paul II in 1981, is being released from prison. The Vatican is actually in favor of the decision, because it believes getting him out jail will at least make Agca less gay.

New Ford SUV
Ford is unveiling its new vehicle, the "Edge," which the company says is an SUV not designed for off-roading. The typical American who buys an SUV is responding by asking, "what's off-roading?"

Stamp Increase
First-class stamps now cost two cents more. But it really doesn't matter, because no one can afford to drive to the post office anyway.

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tomorrow night and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Singer Lou Rawls has died... Palestinians are dancing in the streets.

Rawls' death means one thing; there's a spokesman's job opening at Colonial Penn Life Insurance.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com. Here's the link: Newsday

Bush Meeting
President Bush met with former Secretaries of State and Defense from the Reagan and Carter administrations today to get their advice about Iraq. But when all those old guys got there, all they wanted to talk about was Social Security and Medicare.

Top 5 Things Overheard at Today's White House Meeting

5) "When Reagan was president, we had orders not to let W. near any sharp objects in the White House"

4) "I'm in charge here!"... ("Oh who invited Haig?")

3) "I'm sorry I don't know much about Iraq Mr. President, my eyesight is too bad to read the papers."

2) "What do you mean you don't know me Mr. President? I'm Colin Powell!"

1) "Well, at least he didn't invite Kissinger"

Sharon's Condition
Ariel Sharon is still fighting for his life after suffering a massive stroke. Israelis are keeping a solemn vigil, President Bush is sending his prayers, and Palestinian leaders are demanding that Sharon's Israeli doctors be replaced by a U.N. medical team.

Israel Elections
Despite Prime Minister Sharon's massive stroke Israel will still hold its elections on March 28. Of course, we would do the same thing here in America, where brain-dead candidates run for Congress all the time.

Robertson's Remarks
Evangelist Pat Robertson says Ariel Sharon's illness is divine retribution for dismantling the Jewish settlements in Gaza. He also said it was because he refused to say "Merry Christmas" at holiday time.

Dumping Daniel
Two NBC affiliates are refusing to air the new series "Book of Daniel" because its portrayal of a Christian minister is offensive to many religious families. The stations will fill the slots with re-runs of the "Jerry Springer Show."

Florida Ruling
Florida's Supreme Court has struck down the state's private school voucher program. Not because of Church and State issues, but because the justices ruled that anyone who pays to go to any school in Florida is nuts.

Sharon Gravely Ill
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is fighting for his life after suffering a major stroke. If they weren't so busy shooting each other right now, Palestinians would be dancing in the streets!

Sharon Gravely Ill II
Experts say Sharon's serious illness could destabilize the entire Middle East... if there were any parts of the Middle East that were stable.

Sharon Gifts
Before he fell ill, Ariel Sharon's family was publicly accused of receiving $3 million in illegal foreign business donations. Who'd they get that kind of money from... the Hostess Corporation?

ABC Live in Iran
The revamped ABC World News Tonight began this week with new co-anchor Bob Woodruff reporting from Tehran. So, we can't get UN inspectors into Iran but we can get TelePrompTers and hairspray.

Koppel's New Gig
Former Nightline anchor Ted Koppel has joined The Discovery Channel, where he'll host a series of specials. The first program will feature a slew of animal and plant experts hoping to find out what that heck that is growing atop Koppel's head.

Lindsay's Battle
Teen star Lindsay Lohan tells Vanity Fair that she's battling bulimia. Apparently she can make herself throw up every time she listens to one of her CD's.

Dick Clark's Reviews
Dick Clark did a pretty good job co-hosting the New Year's Eve telecast on ABC. Despite suffering a recent stroke, Clark clearly had more brain function that all of the idiots standing out in the freezing rain in Times Square.

Abramoff Deal
Lobbyist Jack Abramoff has pleaded guilty to conspiracy, tax evasion and mail fraud in a case that could implicate dozens of lawmakers. White House officials denounced Abramoff's activities as "outrageous," mostly because they thought he was only bribing them.

Top 5 Bribes Used by Jack Abramoff

5) Nancy Pelosi: Year's supply of face lifts

4) Tom DeLay: Year's supply of hairspray

3) Dennis Hastert: Year's supply of Twinkies

2) Ted Kennedy: 2-Year's supply of Twinkies

1) President Bush: Shiny rock and really soft teddy bear

Bush: Year 6
Historians say this sixth year in the White House could be the toughest for President Bush. But Mr. Bush is reminding people that not all sixth years are bad; in fact it was in his sixth year of high school that he finally graduated!

Congressional Corruption
A new poll shows that 50% of Americans believe Congress is corrupt. The other 50% know their Congressman is too busy screwing his interns to take bribes.

Citi's Target
Citigroup considers China's state-owned Guangdong Bank a "prime takeover target." That's because the bank has 1.3 billion customers and only one ATM.

Renamed SUV
Beginning this fall, Ford's will re-name the Lincoln Aviator the MKX... mostly because Ford apparently can no longer afford vowels.

Wal-Mart's Weak December
Wal-Mart says that its final December sales totals will be a bit disappointing. Experts say shoppers apparently didn't like getting nearly trampled to death in the store as much as the company thought.

Minnelli Sings for Mike
Liza Minnelli capped off Mayor Michael Bloomberg's second inaugural festivities with her rendition of "New York, New York." She was also there to help Bloomberg beat the crap out of any transit workers who happened to walk by.

Booze Commercials
A new study shows that teens drink more in cities with more liquor advertising. The study further shows they're mostly drinking to get those awful liquor commercials out of their heads.