Top 5 Kids Shows on the New Hamas TV Network

5) "Prayer Rug Rats"

4) "Postcards from Osama"

3) "Mr. Rogers Refugee Camp Neighborhood"

2) "SpongeBob Explosive Pants"

1) "Bob the Illegal West Bank Settlement Builder"

Scotus on Abortion
The Supreme Court has sent a parental-notification abortion case back to the lower courts. The mostly elderly justices say they're holding out for a grandparent-notification case.

Scotus On Assisted Suicide
The Supreme Court has ruled against the Bush administration's attempt to punish Oregon doctors who engage in assisted suicides. The White House only favors helping people die by sending them to fight in Iraq.

Hillary Attacked
The White House says Senator Hillary Clinton was "out of bounds" when she compared the Republican-controlled House to a plantation. The administration is now recommending Mrs. Clinton be whipped, chained and forced to work in the cotton fields for the rest of the week.

Nagin's Gaffe
New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin is apologizing for saying that New Orleans should be a "chocolate city." Nagin says that New Orleans is really more like Chocolate Liqueur.

Blair Kidnap Plot
British police have discovered a plot by a divorced fathers' rights group to kidnap Prime Minister Tony Blair's 5 year-old son Leo. The dads ditched the plan when they realized taking care of the kid would get in the way of their nightly drinking and football game watching at the pub.

Toussaint's Call for a Jury Trial
New York city Transit Union boss Roger Toussaint says a jury of real New Yorkers would never send him to jail for starting the 3-day illegal subway strike. He's right, we wouldn't send him to jail... we'd just beat him to a bloody pulp!

Legal British Brothels?
The British government says it's considering legalizing small-scale brothels, provided they employ no more than two prostitutes and a receptionist... um, won't they need a mop guy too?

Aspirin's Benefits
Researchers say taking aspirin reduces the risk of heart attacks in men while reducing the risk of strokes in women. Madison Avenue is now marketing aspirin as "the wonder drug for transsexuals."

Cronkite's New Love
Walter Cronkite has been dating Joanna Simon, a New York City realtor, who is 20 years his junior. Cronkite is interested in her youth and beauty; Simon is interested in his 3-bedroom apartment.