Top 5 Things Discovered by the FBI's Illegal Wire Taps

5) You can't get decent falafel anywhere in North Carolina

4) Tony Shalhoub is finally more popular than Jamie Farr

3) 7-11's Slurpee machines are only cleaned once a year

2) Most Arabs voted for Clay Aiken

1) Verizon sucks

When Hillary Attacks
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has accused Republicans of running the House of Representatives like a "plantation." That's opposed to the way her husband ran the White House, which was like a brothel.

Whitney and Bobby Split?
Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are reportedly ending their 14-year marriage. Whitney will get to keep the house and the kids, and Bobby gets to keep all the drugs.

Ant Study
A new study has found that ants actually teach other ants how to perform tasks... except for the Christian ants who are against public education.

Jacko's New Job
Michael Jackson will reportedly work as a consultant to a company that builds theme parks across the world. Jackson is considered the world's leading expert on roller coasters, haunted houses, and everything else that makes kids scream.

Pluto Mission
NASA will try again today to launch the New Horizons rocket on its 9-year-long mission to reach Pluto. It could actually get there faster, but it's going to go real slow to save on gas.

Pluto Mission II
NASA will try again today to launch the New Horizons rocket on its 9-year-long mission to reach Pluto. The only longer trip than that is the A train to Far Rockaway.