Thursday, January 12, 2006

Brad & Angelina Expecting
Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt's baby. Several members of the paparazzi are now attempting to enter Jolie's womb to get a shot of the fetus.

Brad & Angelina Expecting II
Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt's baby. The fetus has already been signed to a $10 million modeling contract.

Alito Agita
Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee say they are troubled and unsatisfied by Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito's answers to their questions. Of course, they won't be satisfied until he tells them how to win an election.

Alito in CAP?
When questioned about his membership in the "Concerned Alumni of Princeton," a group that opposed admission of women and minorities at the school, Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito said he had no specific recollection of that organization. Of course it was hard to remember what happened at those meetings what with the cross burnings and everyone wearing hoods and stuff.

Top 5 Goals of the Concerned Alumni of Princeton

5) Keep women out, not because of sexism, but because most girls can kick the Princeton football players' asses

4) Accept no applicant who has fewer than 5 pairs of plaid pants

3) Accept Jews and Asians, but just enough so that it looks like the students are working

2) Keep the poor and minorities out... not because of racism, but because they're needed to fight the war in Iraq so we can keep our SUV's

1) Do everything in their power to make people forget the fact that the school is in New Jersey

Eminem Getting Re-married
Eminem and his ex-wife Kim Mathers, applied for a marriage license this week. 15 minutes later, they applied for a boxing license.

NSA Monitoring
A longtime National Security Agency employee says that the NSA has the capability of monitoring millions of American phone conversations at a time... which is kind of what I do every morning when I'm stuck on the train with a bunch of annoying people on their cell phones.

Drinking on the Job
A new study shows that an estimated 15 percent of American workers consume alcohol on the job, or have a drink before going to work. They find the booze helps them to nap at their desks.


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