NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com. Here's the link: Newsday

Bush Meeting
President Bush met with former Secretaries of State and Defense from the Reagan and Carter administrations today to get their advice about Iraq. But when all those old guys got there, all they wanted to talk about was Social Security and Medicare.

Top 5 Things Overheard at Today's White House Meeting

5) "When Reagan was president, we had orders not to let W. near any sharp objects in the White House"

4) "I'm in charge here!"... ("Oh who invited Haig?")

3) "I'm sorry I don't know much about Iraq Mr. President, my eyesight is too bad to read the papers."

2) "What do you mean you don't know me Mr. President? I'm Colin Powell!"

1) "Well, at least he didn't invite Kissinger"

Sharon's Condition
Ariel Sharon is still fighting for his life after suffering a massive stroke. Israelis are keeping a solemn vigil, President Bush is sending his prayers, and Palestinian leaders are demanding that Sharon's Israeli doctors be replaced by a U.N. medical team.

Israel Elections
Despite Prime Minister Sharon's massive stroke Israel will still hold its elections on March 28. Of course, we would do the same thing here in America, where brain-dead candidates run for Congress all the time.

Robertson's Remarks
Evangelist Pat Robertson says Ariel Sharon's illness is divine retribution for dismantling the Jewish settlements in Gaza. He also said it was because he refused to say "Merry Christmas" at holiday time.

Dumping Daniel
Two NBC affiliates are refusing to air the new series "Book of Daniel" because its portrayal of a Christian minister is offensive to many religious families. The stations will fill the slots with re-runs of the "Jerry Springer Show."

Florida Ruling
Florida's Supreme Court has struck down the state's private school voucher program. Not because of Church and State issues, but because the justices ruled that anyone who pays to go to any school in Florida is nuts.