Friday, January 20, 2006

Osama on Tape?
The latest audio tape, purportedly from Osama bin Laden, talks about rising U.S. casualties and how America should pull out of Iraq. The CIA is certain the tape is either the voice of bin Laden or Nancy Pelosi.

Top 5 Osama bin Laden New Complaints about America

5) Curses Wal-Mart and Target for their "war on Ramadan"

4) American news media giving that whacky new Iranian president all the best coverage

3) Shaq and Kobe making up totally makes the NBA boring again

2) They're canceling "Arrested Development"

1) "Brokeback Mountain" grossed him out

Osama's Offer
In the new tape, bin Laden offers Americans a truce if we remove our troops from Iraq, stop bombing al Qaeda targets, and get all the Brad and Angelina stories off the news.

Osama's Tape II
Osama bin Laden's latest audio tape is his first recording released in over a year; confounding record producers who were really hoping to get his new album in stores in time for Christmas.

UCLA Liberal Witch Hunt
The Bruin Alumni Association is offering students $100 each to supply them tapes and notes exposing professors who express left-wing political views. Boy, those guys are going to run out of money real fast.

Underground Cell Service
Four companies submitted bids this week to make it possible for riders to use their cell phones on all New York City subways. The only thing each bidder has in common is that they all work for Satan.

Prison Break
A prisoner in Australia escaped from jail by losing 30 pounds so he could squeeze through a hole he chiseled in a brick wall. His new "Prison Escapee" diet book is due in stores by summer!


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