SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Rove Indictment?
Experts believe presidential advisor Karl Rove will be indicted this week, because he described his latest testimony before the grand jury as "Hell." But actually, Rove only said that because they wouldn't let him eat any Twinkies while on the stand.

Bonds Celebrations
Commissioner Bud Selig says Major League Baseball will not mark Barry Bonds' passing Babe Ruth's 714 home run mark with any celebrations... they're going to leave that to the pharmaceutical companies.

Gas Price Rebate?
Republicans in the Senate want to ease America's gas price pain by paying us each $100. Great, now Congress is treating us the same way they treat their hookers!

Top 5 Things $100 Buys You Nowadays

5) 7 gallons of premium

4) 3 happy meals and a supersize fries

3) 15 minutes worth of a college education

2) Half a bleacher seat ticket at Wrigley Field

1) 5 minutes alone with your Congressman

Snow Job
FOX News anchor Tony Snow has been appointed White House Spokesman. Snow says he's excited about taking a job where he'll be allowed to be slightly more critical of the President.

Snow Job II
The White House says it was actually willing to hire a New York Times reporter for the job, but they're all too busy being spokesmen for al Qaeda.

Snow Job III
Some are wondering why Tony Snow would take such a big pay cut to leave FOX and go the White House. Of course, they're forgetting everyone in this administration gets free gas.

Iran's Man of Peace
At a news conference this morning, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he was a "peaceful man who would not hurt an ant." But that's only because there are no Jewish ants.

Bush Approval
A new poll shows President Bush's approval rating has hit an all-time low of 32%... and that's just among gas station owners.

Top 5 Signs You Have a Low Approval Rating at Home

5) You come home to find your kid playing catch with a replacement dad

4) Your dog doesn't even sniff your crotch anymore

3) The family keeps on going on vacation without you

2) The wife invokes her "veto powers" every night

1) The only people who say you're a good husband and father are on FOX News

CIA Analyst Fired
CIA analyst Mary O. McCarthy has been fired for leaking confidential information to a reporter... actually, the specific charge is leaking confidential information to a reporter not friendly with Dick Cheney.

Lay Blames the Media
In the Enron trial Monday, former CEO Ken Lay blamed the news media for the company's collapse. Well, it looks like the Bush administration has found a new White House spokesman!

Gas Price Probe
President Bush is ordering an investigation into whoever's responsible for gas price gauging. Geez, aren't Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld have enough to worry about these days?

Union Protest
Several New York Transit Union members marched off to jail with President Roger Toussaint Monday. Great, a token booth they won't go to, but a jail cell they will?!?

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Top 5 Real Reasons Gas Prices are Back Over $3 a Gallon

5) The White House needs to get us mad enough to support another war

4) Apparently, America is responding to terrorism by boycotting walking

3) Not enough people are buying gas station corn nuts these days

2) Someone at a refinery somewhere caught a cold

1) Yeah right, like there's anything you can do about it

Bin Laden Tape
Osama bin Laden's latest taped message is outraging millions of Americans. Once again, he refuses to make it available on iTunes!

Bin Laden Tape II
Bin Laden also says America's refusal to help Hamas is proof of the "crusaders' war against Islam." Actually, the reason why American doesn't support Hamas is those guys never send you a receipt.

Bonds Homers
It took three weeks, but Barry Bonds finally hit his first home run of the season Saturday night. He must be using those new time-release steroids.

New Orleans Runoff
The mayoral race in New Orleans is definitely headed for a runoff. But there are still a lot of questions to be answered... like who the Hell would want to be mayor of New Orleans?

Greek Orthodox Easter
Sunday was Greek Orthodox Easter. The Greek Orthodox celebrate Easter later because they adhere to the lunar calendar, and they like to get all that Easter candy for half price.

BTK Privileges
"BTK Killer" Dennis Rader has won the right to watch television in his cell, but sexually explicit programs would not be allowed. That means he'll only be able to watch PAX TV and the Weather Channel.

L.A. ALERT!!!! I'm back in L.A.'s biggest Jewish paper, The Jewish Journal, with a humor piece on the "Gospel of Judas." Here's the link: Judas Scroll

Franco Homer
47-year-old Mets outfielder Julio Franco became the oldest man to homer in a major league game last night. But after the game, investigators found syringes full of Geritol in his locker.

Kerry in 2008?
John Kerry says he's trying to decide whether to make a serious run for president in 2008. It's kind of weird, because he never decided to run a serious campaign for president in 2004.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com. Here's the link: Newsday

Hu's Here
Chinese President Hu Jintao is meeting with President Bush today. The two men have a lot in common, like the fact that most Americans can't understand a word either of them says.

Hu's Here II
As Chinese President Hu Jintao meets with President Bush today, illegal piracy is expected to be the top issue of discussion. Hu is demanding that Mr. Bush stop copying the patented Chinese form of totalitarian government.

Hu's Here III
An angry protester interrupted the welcoming ceremonies for Hu Jintao at the White House with loud complaints about Chinese exploitation and evil. She's been identified as a worker at the "Hello Kitty" factory.

Top 5 Things the Chinese Heckler Shouted at Bush and Hu Jintao

5) "$3 for a gallon of gas? That's more than I make in a year!"

4) "The next time Rove gets Beef and Broccoli delivered, tell him to tip me!"

3) "Make another film like 'Failure to Launch' and you won't have to worry about anymore movie piracy!"

2) "I bought Nationals season tickets and they suck already!"

1) "Dammit, I came here to see Tom and Katie's baby!"

Iraqi Breakthrough?
In what could be a political breakthrough in Iraq, Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari said today that he's willing to step down. But all of Iraq's problems won't be solved until President Bush steps down.

Lost Cash
A German man accidentally flushed thousands of dollars down the toilet this week. Of course, Americans do the same thing every time we file our taxes.

No Connection
Shoe bomber Richard Reid told a terror trial jury Thursday that he and 9/11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui never worked together on a terrorist plot. They did, however, use the same personal stylist.

Hu Here
Chinese President Hu Jintao is visiting the United States this week. Hopefully, he's not here to collect our debts.

Hamas Aid
Qatar's government has joined Iran in making a $50 million pledge to Hamas. But it's not clear if they made that donation because they believe in the cause, or if they just did it for the free tote bag and "Hamas' Greatest Hits" DVD box-set that comes with every donation of $30 million or more.

Tram Escape
Dozens of Roosevelt Island residents were rescued Tuesday when they got stuck on the trams going to Manhattan. It's not clear what's worse, being stranded on the tram or being stranded on Roosevelt Island.

McClellan's Replacement?
TV anchor Tony Snow is rumored to be the favorite to replace Scott McClellan as White House Spokesman. Of course as a FOX News employee, Snow is already a spokesman for the White House.

Rove Out?
Senior White House adviser Karl Rove reportedly will no longer focus on policy and is switching to long-term strategic planning. In other words, his new job is finding a way to keep everyone in the Bush administration out of jail.

Top 5 Ways to Get Kicked Out of the Bush Administration

5) Get caught reading a newspaper

4) Go a whole day without lying

3) Get caught reading a book

2) Admit you did something terrible... like paying your taxes

1) Refuse to drink the Kool-Aid

Duke Search
Durham police are now searching the dorm rooms of the two Duke lacrosse players accused of raping a stripper. The cops will alert the news media if they find anything suspicious, like school books.

Unsexy Man
A Boston newspaper has named Gilbert Gottfried the world's "unsexiest man." Of course that's ridiculous, the world's unsexiest man is Janet Reno.

Cheney Charity
Records show Dick and Lynn Cheney gave $6.87 million to charity in 2005. Their favorite charity is a special fund that helps accidentally shot quail hunters recover and then keep their mouths shut.

Preston on the Mend
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's baby Preston is recovering from a fractured skull. Doctors say the boy should have no brain damage, but with parents like that there's no real way to tell.

Top 5 Britney & Kevin Baby Care Tips

5) Make sure your baby gets plenty of milk before you give him any cigarettes

4) If you need a sitter, the nice people from The National Enquirer are always happy to watch your kid

3) Do some stretching with your infant before teaching him your backup dance moves

2) Remember, all your baby's tattoos need to be moisturized every night

1) Colicky babies just love Jagermeister!

Rumsfeld Defense
Supporters of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld are strongly defending him against charges he ignores advice from generals who disagree with him. They rightly point out that Rumsfeld can't ignore advice he never bothered to listen to in the first place.

Rumsfeld Defense II
President Bush has twice rejected letters of resignation from Donald Rumsfeld. That forced Rumsfeld to ask: "What does a guy have to do to get out of this administration?" To which President Bush replied: "Search me, I don't know how we all got here in the first place!"

Parks Pardoned
The Alabama State Legislature has officially pardoned the late Rosa Parks for her 1956 arrest for refusing to give up her seat on a Montgomery city bus. But the legislature is still refusing to pardon Parks for being black.

OMD Nominee
President Bush has nominated Rob Portman to be the next director of the Office of Management and Budget. But it's unclear what Portman's duties will be since the Bush administration doesn't really keep a budget.

Late Filing
About 15 million Americans did not file their taxes on time this year. Most of them were accountants who were too busy doing everyone else's taxes.

SF Quake Anniversary
Experts say the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did $8.2 billion worth of damage in today's dollars. So when you figure for inflation, that means the quake did about 50 cents worth of damage in 1906.

Nebraska Segregation
The Nebraska state legislature has voted to divide the Omaha school system into two districts -- one mostly white and one largely black and Hispanic. So, I guess the five non-white kids in Omaha are going to get their own school!

Iran Strategy
The U.S. is considering an embargo to punish Iran from pursuing it nuclear weapons program; it's thinking about taking President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's microphone away.

Holloway Case Break?
A new suspect has been arrested in the Natalee Holloway case. Aruban police say they will release Geoffrey van Cromvoirt after 8 days, or whenever Nancy Grace finishes ranting about him... whichever comes first.

Falwell vs. Giuliani
Televangelist Jerry Falwell says he will not support former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani for president. So Giuliani has just taken one step closer to becoming president.

Top 5 Reasons Jerry Falwell won't Back Rudy Giuliani for President

5) Can't bring himself to support anyone with "Jew" in his name

4) No New York TV stations carry the "Old Time Gospel Hour"

3) Heard that Rudy sometimes watches "Teletubbies"

2) Can't forgive that comb-over Giuliani used for 10 years

1) He's a Red Sox fan

Tel Aviv Bombing Reaction
Palestinian leaders are posting mixed reactions to Monday's suicide bombing in Tel Aviv. Hamas says the attack was justified, and Mahmoud Abbas only THINKS it was justified.

Tel Aviv Bombing Reaction II
Iran is furious over today's suicide bombing in Israel. For $50 million, the Iranians expect each attack to kill at least 20 Jews.

Muslim Image
Some Muslims say conveying a positive image of Islam is tougher now than it was after the Sept. 11 attacks. Hmmm... I wonder why?

Muslim Image II
Some Muslims say conveying a positive image of Islam is tougher now than it was after the Sept. 11 attacks. They blame the news media which is MAKING them do violent things like when it prints cartoons of Mohammed.

Muslim Image III
Some Muslims say conveying a positive image of Islam is tougher now than it was after the Sept. 11 attacks... but they still think things are better than when Jamie Farr was on M*A*S*H* every day.

Ryan Convicted
Former Illinois Governor George Ryan was convicted of racketeering and fraud Monday. The jury says the smoking gun in the case came when the prosecutors proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ryan was indeed a Republican.

Chocolate Bunnies
Easter has some strange customs; like the idea of a bunny that lays chocolate eggs. I can't tell if that's just for the kids or a part of the Bush Administration's "Creationism Science" curriculum.

Top 5 Tips for Cheering Up Donald Rumsfeld

5) A nice new war in Iran

4) Whatever you do, DON'T let him go hunting with Dick Cheney

3) Tell him liver spots are sexy

2) Only let him watch FOX News... oh wait, he already does that!

1) Next time, let's all just let him win at "Risk"

Iranian Donation
The good news for the Palestinians is Iran has promised to give them $50 million. The bad news is the money is radioactive.

Iran Donation II
Iran is donating $50 million to Hamas. All it asks for in return is to use about 20,000 Palestinians to use as targets in their nuclear weapons tests.

Brad and Angelina's Plan
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are planning to have their baby in Namibia. It's all part of a brilliant plan to disguise the child as a starving African baby, ensuring that the news media will definitely leave the kid alone.

Pope's Message
Pope Benedict XVI prayed for peace in Iraq and the Holy Land in his Easter sermon. Benedict wants the armies of the world to stop fighting each other and start focusing on just killing gays.

Molly is Free!
After a two-week ordeal, New York City firefighters finally freed Molly the cat from inside the wall of a Greenwich Village building. But if they'll do that for just one cat, why can't they do anything for the 700,000 New Yorkers trapped on Staten Island?

Top 5 Anderson Cooper Pick-Up Lines

5) "Hey, wanna go to my place and try on my mother's clothes?"

4) "My show isn't the only thing that goes 360 baby"

3) "Wanna step into my Situation Room?"

2) "This is Breaking News from CNN... you're hot"

1) "You make Tom Cruise look like Larry King"


Wedding Night Love
According to a Brides.com survey, only 59% of women think they will have sex on their wedding night. The other 41% are marrying Larry King.

Miss Iraq
Silva Shanakian, the newly crowned Miss Iraq, has gone into hiding. It's not clear if she's hiding from Islamic terrorists or American feminists.

Britney Cleared
Britney Spears and her husband Kevin Federline were cleared of any wrongdoing after their son Sean Preston fell from a high chair and hit his head. Investigators have correctly concluded that the baby wasn't abused; he's just the child of idiots.

Iran Nukes
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says his country will use nuclear power for peaceful purposes only... like driving the price of oil above $80-a-barrel.

Madonna's Bumps
Madonna and Guy Ritchie have reportedly hit some rough "bumps" in their marriage. Um, that's the polite way of saying Madonna has genital warts.

Playboy Targeted
About 300 Muslims in Indonesia vandalized the local Playboy Magazine's offices Wednesday. We've learned our lesson from the cartoon controversy, so the U.S. newsmedia will be publishing all of the pictures that supposedly offended the Muslim protesters.

Playboy Targeted II
About 300 Muslims in Indonesia vandalized the local Playboy Magazine's offices Wednesday. It's not clear whether they were protesting immodesty or fake boobs.

The Universe Corp.

Message from the CEO, GOD

To the Religious Services management team:

It has come to my attention that many Christian groups are beginning to observe the Jewish Seder ritual. While this is a credit to your marketing department's abilities and wide-ranging appeal, we need to be concerned about diluting our universally appealing, but separate, religion branding efforts across the globe. I hope I don't have to remind you what a fiasco the "Jews for Jesus" plan was. Needless to say, I don't want to see another venture turn into a business that can only gain customer attention by bothering people on subways and bus stations.

It is also proving particularly detrimental to our Arab/Muslim division, (already lagging behind every other unit of this corporation in moral profits and earnings per share), where anything identified as "Jewish" in nature is quite toxic at the moment. Rest assured that the "Accounting For Your Actions" department is tackling this continuing problem in the Muslim world right now, but our quarterly results are a priority at this time.

Representatives from our long-term strategy division are available with some solutions for your most integrated markets, the best of which is a new plan to have Jewish groups simply invite a non-Jew or two to each individual Seder. Specific questions about this plan are available for your review on the company's intranet system.

Please realize that as CEO, and the Master of the Universe, the concerns of the shareholders must be my first priority. I would hate to see centuries worth of hard work sacrificed on the false altar known as "synergy."

Have a pleasant day.

G

Iran Nukes
As Iran gets closer to obtaining nuclear power, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is telling his country not to be frightened by "Western bullying." But he says the people should remain afraid of his bullying.

Top 5 Things Iran is Going to do with Nuclear Power

5) Blackmail the West for deodorant

4) New fashion idea: Glow-in-the-Dark Turbans

3) Commit mass suicide

2) Use it to lure a bunch of European anti-nuclear protestors to Tehran... and then kill them

1) Nothing... just saying they have nukes has already raised the price of oil by $10-a-gallon!

Bush on Iran
President Bush says his plans to keep Iran from getting nuclear weapons means he will use diplomacy. Now he just has to find someone in his administration who knows how to use diplomacy.

Cheney Shot
Carlsbad, New Mexico Mayor Bob Forrest says he once shot Dick Cheney in the late 1990's on a quail hunting trip, but that the Vice President was not hurt. This is additional proof that Dick Cheney is not human.

Apple has a Brother
Gwenyth Paltrow and her husband Chris Martin gave birth to their second child, a boy named Moses Martin. Their first child, Apple has responded to the news by saying: "Oh, great NOW they're in to normal names!"

Toussaint to Jail
A Brooklyn judge sentenced New York Transit Workers Union President Roger Toussaint to 10 days in jail for orchestrating the illegal transit strike in December. While he's there, his fellow inmates will make him feel like most New York commuters when they take the F train.

NASA Mission
NASA announced plans to smash a space probe into the moon in 2009. Finally, NASA has learned that the key to America's heart is blowing stuff up!

Revlon Over 50
Revlon is launching a new line of makeup called "Vital Radiance," for women over age 50. The alternate title is: "Can't Afford Botox."

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Pro-Immigrant Rallies

5) "We want our dignity... so please cancel the 'George Lopez Show!"

4) "My kids have the right to go to American public schools... and then walk out of class for protests."

3) "We love Mexico... which is why we risked our lives to get out of Mexico!"

2) "We are not criminals! But we will go to prison for less than American criminals."

1) "I'm making $2-an-hour... and loving it!"


Iran Attack?
The White House on Monday tried to play down reports that they were considering using nuclear weapons in Iran. President Bush is reminding everyone that he still needs to get Saudi Arabia’s permission.

Iran Attack 2
White House spokesman Scott McClellan says those who are seeking to draw broad conclusions about an attack on Iran are “misinformed and not knowledgeable about the administration's thinking”… okay, that explains President Bush, but what about the rest of us.

Skilling on the Stand
Enron defendant Jeffrey Skilling took the witness stand today admitting he’s going to need to get the jury to like him… he’s going to be on the stand for a long time.

Immigration Marches
Hundreds of thousands of people marched in several cities Monday in support of rights for undocumented workers. Because if there’s one thing that makes Americans want to support your cause, it’s tying up traffic and making it impossible to get around town.

Star on the Pulpit
While speaking to a church congregation in New Jersey on Sunday, Star Jones said, "Wealth and success mean little if you have not developed a relationship with God.”… “but two out three ain’t bad!”

Religious TV
A&E is launching a new reality series this week called "God or the Girl," in which young men decide whether or not to become Catholic priests. Spike TV is countering with an even more realistic series about would-be Catholic priests called “God or the Boy.”

Muslim Sorority
A group of students at MIT have formed Gamma Gamma Chi, the first Muslim-sorority. During Hell Week, all the pledges have to get their boyfriends to blow themselves up.

Bonds Slump
Through the first six games of the season, Barry Bonds has no homers and is batting just .167. That means he's hitting his girlfriends a lot better than opposing pitchers.

Specter's Demand
During an interview on "FOX News Sunday," Senator Arlen Specter said President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney should speak publicly about their involvement in the CIA leak case. The result of Specter's statement is that he will never again be a guest on "FOX News Sunday."

Top 5 Shocking Revelations in the "Scroll of Judas"

5) Jesus would have approved of gay marriage... if Matthew and Mark hadn't been fighting all the time

4) All the food at the last supper was low-carb!

3) Mary wouldn't have stayed a virgin if Joseph could have gotten some Viagra in 40 B.C.

2) As he was dying on the cross, Jesus' pain was greatest when he foresaw the fact that Target stores wouldn't use the word "Christmas" during the holiday season

1) After all that, Pontius Pilate's check bounced!

Mickelson Wins
Phil Mickelson won his second Masters in three years Sunday. The Masters is unique, because only the best golfers play, the course is the toughest, and it's the only place on Earth where you can wear a green jacket without looking like an idiot.

Sharon Status
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, who has been in a coma for three months, will be declared officially incapacitated this week. Man, those Israelis are lucky; President Bush has been in a coma for more than five years and we get nothing!

Stones in China
As the Rolling Stones performed their first-ever concert in China this weekend,
the government banned them from singing five of their songs, including "Brown Sugar," and "Honky Tonk Women"... not because of suggestive lyrics, but because there is no one on Earth who isn't sick of those damn songs already!

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com. Here's the link: Newsday

Libby Fingers Bush
New documents now show that Scooter Libby testified that it was President Bush himself who authorized the release of classified reports on Iraq. This is disappointing prosecutors, who were hoping Libby would finger someone in White House who actually has power.

Scroll of Judas
An ancient scroll that tells the story of Jesus from the point of view of Judas, has been found in Egypt. In the text, Judas claims he only betrayed Jesus after he was authorized to do so by Vice President Cheney.

Eminem Divorce
Just 3 months after remarrying, Eminem and his wife Kim are getting divorced again. Apparently, Eminem just needed to stay married long enough to come up with some new misogynist lyrics.

Top 5 Things Overheard at Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown's "Black Hebrews" Passover Seder

5) "Why is this night different from all other nights? Daddy's not in jail!"

4) "... and then the wicked Pharaoh canceled the Israelites' reality show."

3) "This matzo would get stuck in my teeth... if I had any teeth."

2) "The ten plagues were: assault, battery, possession..."

1) "Hey, this is no dumber than Demi and Ashton's Kabalah Seder!"

Immigration Deal
Senate Republicans and Democrats have reached a compromise on a new illegal immigration biil. The measure promises to secure our borders, grant limited amnesty, and the only person who will be deported is Lou Dobbs.

Giuliani's Memories
At the Zacarias Moussaoui trial Thursday, former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani recalled the horror of 9/11. He got particularly emotional when he remembered how the attacks made him a national hero and media sensation.

Saints Schedule
The NFL has released the 2006 schedule, and the New Orleans Saints will host their first game back at the Superdome in week 3. The decision is angering many New Orleans fans, because usually the Saints season is already over by week 3.

Top 5 New Career Choices for Tom DeLay

5) License Plate/Gravel-Making business

4) Host of new FOX News show, "The O'Indicted Factor"

3) Men's hairspray model... oh wait, he already is that

2) Duke University men's Lacrosse coach

1) Professional a-hole for hire

Presidential Poll
A new poll shows that 80% of American children do not want to be President of the United States... which is weird, because we have a child serving as our President now.

Duke Coach Quits
Duke University men's lacrosse head coach Mike Pressler has resigned as several members of the team face rape allegations. After seeing how well he was able to enforce a code of silence among his young players, Pressler's been hired as Dick Cheney's new chief of staff.

No More "Will and Grace"
Actor Eric McCormack says he won't work with "Will and Grace" co-star Debra Messing again because audiences won't buy them together unless they are playing their Will and Grace characters. Hey, Eric, we're not buying you together now.

No More "Will and Grace" II
Actor Eric McCormack says he won't work with "Will and Grace" co-star Debra Messing again because audiences won't buy them together unless they are playing their Will and Grace characters. That's interesting... but I'd think you wouldn't work with her again because she sucks.

Whitney & Bobby the Hebrews
Whitney Houston and husband Bobby Brown have reportedly become involved in the cult group "Black Hebrews." The couple is now preparing for Passover, where they will only use unleavened cocaine.

OC AWOL
Mischa Barton is reportedly trying to get out of her role on the OC by frequently calling in sick and arriving late to the set. It would be easier if she just continued to be a sucky actress.

Demi & Ashton Adoption
Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are considering adopting a child. Demi's had so much success adopting Ashton that she wants to try again.

Bonds Baited
San Diego Padres Fans taunted Barry Bonds on opening day by throwing a huge syringe at him in the outfield. Bonds was actually delighted because he'd left his at home.

DeLay Denied
Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has decided he won't run for re-election. He needs to save his energy for his run from the law.

DeLay Denied II
DeLay says he could have won re-election pretty easily, but it would have been hard to conduct House Republican business from a jail cell.

DeLay Denied III
DeLay says he didn't want to run for office again and turn the whole campaign into a referendum on himself. Instead, he wants the voters of Texas to concentrate on the important issues like gay marriage, evolution classes and stores that don't say "Merry Christmas."

Massachusetts Health Care
Massachusetts is about to become the first state to provide nearly universal health care coverage. The only people who will be denied coverage are those who engage in reckless behavior like excessive drinking, drug abuse, or going to Fenway Park wearing a Yankee hat.

Brazilian Astronaut
Marcos Pontes, Brazil's first man in space, arrived on the international space station this week. The Brazilian immediately made the other astronauts uncomfortable because he was only wearing a thong.

Homeless in the Car
Experts are saying that more and more homeless people appear to be living in their cars... but it could also be that people just can't afford to pay for enough gas to get home.

Culpepper Cleared
Misdemeanor lewd conduct charges against NFL quarterback Dante Culpepper have been dismissed. The prosecutors reversed their original decision after looking at the video replay.

Moussaoui Death Penalty
A federal jury has ruled that Zacarias Moussaoui is eligible for the death penalty. But Moussaoui will remain the least eligible bachelor in cellblock 15.

Rice on Iraq
Condoleezza Rice made a surprise visit to Iraq and called for an end to the "political vacuum" in the country. But most of the Iraq's women say they'd just settle for a vacuum.

Rice on Iraq II
Condoleezza Rice met with Sunni, Shiite and Kurdish politicians Monday and told them the next Iraqi prime minister must be a "strong leader" capable of unifying the people, making effective laws, and surviving about 15 car bombings a week.

Top 5 Stories on the First "CBS Evening News with Katie Couric"

5) 15-minute interview with the latest "Survivor" loser

4) Katie's first nightly "Eye on Cute People" special Report

3) Spotlight on the people celebrating their 100th birthday... in the U.S. Senate

2) Investigative report on Laura Bush's muffin recipes

1) Katie's latest colonoscopy... live and uncut!

Pam for Seals
Pamela Anderson has renewed her call for Canada to end its seal hunting. If Canada complies, she'll promise to stop telling people she's from Canada.

Global Warming
A new poll shows that 71% of Americans now believe in global warming. The other 29% live near Martha Stewart.

Softball Suit
A California man is suing his daughter's softball coach for $3 million after he called her and her teammates "idiots." Hey if that guy wins his case, my elementary school gym teacher owes me $100 million.

Opening Day
It's opening day for Major League Baseball. Nothing beats that moment when the first batter finishes his practice swings, steps up to the plate, and pees in a jar for a steroid test.

Papal Memorial
Tens of thousands of Catholics jammed Saint Peter's Square Sunday to honor the dead Pope... and after they paid their respects to Benedict XVI, they remembered John Paul II.

Carroll Retracts
Newly-released hostage Jill Carroll now says her captors were "criminals" and that everything she said about Iraq was forced out of her by evil people. President Bush called her immediately after that and said: "I know just how you feel!"

Iranian Power
Iran now says it has an underwater missile that can travel up to 223 miles per hour, and an air missile that can avoid radar detection. But neither of those weapons are stronger reasons to invade Iran than President Bush's low approval rating.

Telecom Merger
Lucent Technologies and French telecom Alcatel are merging. Usually when we talk about the French embracing an American failure, we're talking about Jerry Lewis.

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Top 10 Things Overheard in PORN 101

10) "Hey, isn't that the dean's wife?"

9) "This class is helping me decide my future... I'm gonna be a plastic surgeon."

8) "I'd know Shmuel the Mohel's work anywhere!"

7) "That woman's bra should get the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor."

6) "Great, I finally find a course where the professor let's us eat in class... and it's THIS."

5) "Um professor, the guys at the frat house need this movie back by tomorrow."

4) "Hey, how come there are 500 people at every session of this class when only 13 students are actually registered?"

3) "This class is actually less obscene than the Middle Eastern Studies course I took last semester."

2) "But how can we watch 'Lusty Housewives VII' without seeing 'Lusty Housewives VI first?"

1) "$40,000-a-year, and they can't even show us movies with decent lighting."

When Grandparents Attack!

My humor essay on "Grandparents Gone Wild" is today's Newsday and Newsday.com. See it here: Newsday


And you can still catch the podcast interview by clicking here: Podcast