Bonds Baited
San Diego Padres Fans taunted Barry Bonds on opening day by throwing a huge syringe at him in the outfield. Bonds was actually delighted because he'd left his at home.

DeLay Denied
Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has decided he won't run for re-election. He needs to save his energy for his run from the law.

DeLay Denied II
DeLay says he could have won re-election pretty easily, but it would have been hard to conduct House Republican business from a jail cell.

DeLay Denied III
DeLay says he didn't want to run for office again and turn the whole campaign into a referendum on himself. Instead, he wants the voters of Texas to concentrate on the important issues like gay marriage, evolution classes and stores that don't say "Merry Christmas."

Massachusetts Health Care
Massachusetts is about to become the first state to provide nearly universal health care coverage. The only people who will be denied coverage are those who engage in reckless behavior like excessive drinking, drug abuse, or going to Fenway Park wearing a Yankee hat.

Brazilian Astronaut
Marcos Pontes, Brazil's first man in space, arrived on the international space station this week. The Brazilian immediately made the other astronauts uncomfortable because he was only wearing a thong.

Homeless in the Car
Experts are saying that more and more homeless people appear to be living in their cars... but it could also be that people just can't afford to pay for enough gas to get home.

Culpepper Cleared
Misdemeanor lewd conduct charges against NFL quarterback Dante Culpepper have been dismissed. The prosecutors reversed their original decision after looking at the video replay.