Iran Nukes
As Iran gets closer to obtaining nuclear power, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is telling his country not to be frightened by "Western bullying." But he says the people should remain afraid of his bullying.

Top 5 Things Iran is Going to do with Nuclear Power

5) Blackmail the West for deodorant

4) New fashion idea: Glow-in-the-Dark Turbans

3) Commit mass suicide

2) Use it to lure a bunch of European anti-nuclear protestors to Tehran... and then kill them

1) Nothing... just saying they have nukes has already raised the price of oil by $10-a-gallon!

Bush on Iran
President Bush says his plans to keep Iran from getting nuclear weapons means he will use diplomacy. Now he just has to find someone in his administration who knows how to use diplomacy.

Cheney Shot
Carlsbad, New Mexico Mayor Bob Forrest says he once shot Dick Cheney in the late 1990's on a quail hunting trip, but that the Vice President was not hurt. This is additional proof that Dick Cheney is not human.

Apple has a Brother
Gwenyth Paltrow and her husband Chris Martin gave birth to their second child, a boy named Moses Martin. Their first child, Apple has responded to the news by saying: "Oh, great NOW they're in to normal names!"

Toussaint to Jail
A Brooklyn judge sentenced New York Transit Workers Union President Roger Toussaint to 10 days in jail for orchestrating the illegal transit strike in December. While he's there, his fellow inmates will make him feel like most New York commuters when they take the F train.

NASA Mission
NASA announced plans to smash a space probe into the moon in 2009. Finally, NASA has learned that the key to America's heart is blowing stuff up!

Revlon Over 50
Revlon is launching a new line of makeup called "Vital Radiance," for women over age 50. The alternate title is: "Can't Afford Botox."