Top 5 New Career Choices for Tom DeLay

5) License Plate/Gravel-Making business

4) Host of new FOX News show, "The O'Indicted Factor"

3) Men's hairspray model... oh wait, he already is that

2) Duke University men's Lacrosse coach

1) Professional a-hole for hire

Presidential Poll
A new poll shows that 80% of American children do not want to be President of the United States... which is weird, because we have a child serving as our President now.

Duke Coach Quits
Duke University men's lacrosse head coach Mike Pressler has resigned as several members of the team face rape allegations. After seeing how well he was able to enforce a code of silence among his young players, Pressler's been hired as Dick Cheney's new chief of staff.

No More "Will and Grace"
Actor Eric McCormack says he won't work with "Will and Grace" co-star Debra Messing again because audiences won't buy them together unless they are playing their Will and Grace characters. Hey, Eric, we're not buying you together now.

No More "Will and Grace" II
Actor Eric McCormack says he won't work with "Will and Grace" co-star Debra Messing again because audiences won't buy them together unless they are playing their Will and Grace characters. That's interesting... but I'd think you wouldn't work with her again because she sucks.

Whitney & Bobby the Hebrews
Whitney Houston and husband Bobby Brown have reportedly become involved in the cult group "Black Hebrews." The couple is now preparing for Passover, where they will only use unleavened cocaine.

OC AWOL
Mischa Barton is reportedly trying to get out of her role on the OC by frequently calling in sick and arriving late to the set. It would be easier if she just continued to be a sucky actress.

Demi & Ashton Adoption
Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are considering adopting a child. Demi's had so much success adopting Ashton that she wants to try again.