Iran Nukes
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says his country will use nuclear power for peaceful purposes only... like driving the price of oil above $80-a-barrel.

Madonna's Bumps
Madonna and Guy Ritchie have reportedly hit some rough "bumps" in their marriage. Um, that's the polite way of saying Madonna has genital warts.

Playboy Targeted
About 300 Muslims in Indonesia vandalized the local Playboy Magazine's offices Wednesday. We've learned our lesson from the cartoon controversy, so the U.S. newsmedia will be publishing all of the pictures that supposedly offended the Muslim protesters.

Playboy Targeted II
About 300 Muslims in Indonesia vandalized the local Playboy Magazine's offices Wednesday. It's not clear whether they were protesting immodesty or fake boobs.

The Universe Corp.

Message from the CEO, GOD

To the Religious Services management team:

It has come to my attention that many Christian groups are beginning to observe the Jewish Seder ritual. While this is a credit to your marketing department's abilities and wide-ranging appeal, we need to be concerned about diluting our universally appealing, but separate, religion branding efforts across the globe. I hope I don't have to remind you what a fiasco the "Jews for Jesus" plan was. Needless to say, I don't want to see another venture turn into a business that can only gain customer attention by bothering people on subways and bus stations.

It is also proving particularly detrimental to our Arab/Muslim division, (already lagging behind every other unit of this corporation in moral profits and earnings per share), where anything identified as "Jewish" in nature is quite toxic at the moment. Rest assured that the "Accounting For Your Actions" department is tackling this continuing problem in the Muslim world right now, but our quarterly results are a priority at this time.

Representatives from our long-term strategy division are available with some solutions for your most integrated markets, the best of which is a new plan to have Jewish groups simply invite a non-Jew or two to each individual Seder. Specific questions about this plan are available for your review on the company's intranet system.

Please realize that as CEO, and the Master of the Universe, the concerns of the shareholders must be my first priority. I would hate to see centuries worth of hard work sacrificed on the false altar known as "synergy."

Have a pleasant day.

G