Fertilizer Shortage
Reports show that there is a worldwide fertilizer shortage... and that's the first time that's happened in a U.S. presidential election year.



Fed Decision
The Federal Reserve is expected to cut interest rates today, which should make it easier for Americans to borrow money to buy gas.



LSD Inventor Dies
Albert Hofmann, the man who created LSD, died in Switzerland yesterday. The only other man who's made more Americans lose touch with reality is Barack Obama.



GM Losses
GM lost $3.3 billion in the first quarter of this year, but that is actually being cheered on Wall Street where traders expected worse news. In that light, GM is now projecting a second quarter loss of "500 million billion trillion dollars."




Robot Surgeries
More hospitals are using a robotic device to help perform heart bypass surgeries. This is freeing up doctors to do more the important work of filling out insurance forms.



Nevada Quakes
A continuing series of earthquakes is seriously rattling residents of Reno, Nevada... especially since none of the tremors has done anything to shake the change out of any slot machines.

Egan Angry
New York's Cardinal Egan is bashing Rudy Giuliani for taking Communion during the Pope's visit last week. Giuliani is promising to make it up to Eagan by allowing him to perform his next three marriages.



Clemens Affair
A new report claims that Roger Clemens had a relationship with country singer Mindy McCready beginning when the girl was just 15 years old. Clemens is denying the report and plans to make a public statement as soon as he can tear himself away from those Hannah Montana pictures in Vanity Fair.



Grand Theft 4
The latest version of the "Grand Theft Auto" video game hits stores today. In this edition, gas is actually more expensive than the drugs.



U.S. Population
A population expert says the U.S. will have 1 billion residents by the year 2100... raising concerns that the American Idol phone lines won't be able to handle all the added traffic.



American Bleeding Money
A new report shows that American Airlines loses $3.3 million a day... which explains why they really don't care too much about losing your bags.



UN vs. Starvation
The U.N. is setting up a special commission to deal with the growing world food crisis... which means everyone on that committee is working hard to find a way to blame it on Israel.

L.A. Wildfires
Wildfires in the L.A. area have forced 1,000 people to flee their homes... causing traffic jams as they collide with the 100,000 people abandoning their foreclosed homes.


Checks Coming
The first stimulus checks are being deposited in the accounts of taxpayers who were smart enough to sign up for direct deposit with the IRS. But the really smart tax payers are just having their checks deposited directly to the gas station.



Wrigley's Bought
The good news for Warren Buffett and Mars is that Wrigley's is accepting their bid to buy the company. The bad news is that they're now the target of a massive class action law suit filed by every American who ever had chewing gum stuck in their hair.


No Merger
Continental has decided against merging with United Airlines. Continental executives figure they can reignite merger talks when they see the guys from United in bankruptcy court in a couple months.



Hannah's Hot Pix
"Hannah Montana" star Miley Cyrus has posed for some revealing photos in Vanity Fair... so now in addition to 8-year-old girls, scalpers will be selling Hannah Montana tickets on all the pedophile web sites as well.

Airline Merger
United and Continental Airlines are in advanced merger talks. The new combined airline will be known as "UnContented."



Sharpton Threat
Al Sharpton is vowing to "shut down the city," after three New York City police officers were acquitted in the shooting of Sean Bell. Sharpton has a point: when a drunken man can't ram his car into police officers after being at a strip club until 4am on his wedding day... well, what CAN a person do in America anymore?

Bell Reaction
Local New York TV stations are reporting some loud and angry protests in response to the Sean Bell verdict... but not as loud and angry as the two guys fighting for a parking sport on Parsons Boulevard.



Hillary's Challenge
Hillary Clinton is challenging Brack Obama to a series of debates with no moderator. Obama is willing to accept, provided the moderator be replaced by a lie detector.



Etrade Brass Leaving
ETrade's CFO and General Counsel are both resigning, effective May 9th. Actually they'd like to leave sooner, but they can't leave until they can get notify a real person at ETrade customer service.



Curing Blindness
Scientists are progressing nicely in their use of gene therapy to cure blindness. The really tricky part is helping the formerly blind patients from going into cardiac arrest when they first see the prices at the gas station.

Verhoeven Slams Jesus
Film director Paul Verhoeven has written a book suggesting that Jesus was fathered by a Roman soldier who raped Mary. Of course, Verhoeven has nothing to fear unless the book also contains cartoons of Mohammed.



Pacman Traded
The Tennessee Titans traded cornerback Pacman Jones to the Dallas Cowboys on Wednesday... although it's less of a trade than it is a prisoner transfer.




Bush to Meet Abbas
President Bush meets with Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas today. The two men are expected to disagree about Israeli security concerns and Palestinian terrorism, but they will agree that Jimmy Carter is an ass.




Culture Shock
The children pulled out of the polygamist compound in Texas are reportedly undergoing deep culture shock. But the only thing they do understand is why Star Jones is getting divorced.



Ford Profits!
Ford Motor Co. shocked investors by posting an actual profit in the first quarter of this year. It turns out Ford cars are being used as the best place to stockpile really valuable stuff like rice and water.

Sam's Club Rations Rice
Because of supply concerns, Sam's Club is now limiting rice sales at its stores to 4 bags per customer. They are making it up for it, however, by increasing the limit on sales of Cheetos to 15 tons per visit.



Student Loan Deal
In the wake of the credit crunch, the Bush administration wants Congress to back billions of dollars in new student loans. College students are in favor of the idea, but will settle for half-price pitchers and free text-messaging on nights and weekends.



Hillary's Speech
The highlight of Hillary Clinton's Pennsylvania victory speech was when she said: "I'm in this race to fight for you ... You know you can count on me to stand up strong for you every single day in the White House"... and then she stepped away from the mirror and delivered the rest of her speech.

Now, the whole thing could come down to Democratic primaries in Indiana and North Carolina... confusing millions of Americans who think Indiana and North Carolina are only important during the NCAA basketball tournament.

Obama was unable to get enough of the white and female vote to win the primary. He was also hurt by thousands of his supporters in small towns who were too bitter to go to the polls.



Delta Reports
Delta Air Lines is reporting $6.39 billion loss for the first quarter of 2008. It's not clear if Delta lost that $6.39 billion because of fuel prices, or if it literally lost $6.39 billion along with everyone's bags.


Northwest Losses
Northwest Airlines is announcing a loss of $15.78 per share in the first quarter. Now that it's merging with Delta, the two airlines can help each other hide from the repo man.

Earth Day
This is Earth Day... which means we can expect the world's newspapers and TV networks to double their green house emissions as they print out and broadcast hundreds of lame stories about Earth Day.



Primary Day
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are emphasizing their strengths in today's crucial Pennsylvania primary: Hillary is working on new speeches with fiction writers and Obama is getting his teeth cleaned.

New Ads
Hillary Clinton has put images of Osama bin Laden in her latest campaign ads in Pennsylvania. Barack Obama is getting even nastier in his campaign ads by putting in images of Hillary Clinton.



Commander Demoted
Israel has demoted a battalion commander because too many civilians died during an April 9th terrorist raid in Gaza. Meanwhile, Hamas has demoted one of its battalion commander after too few civilians died during an April 9th terrorist raid in Gaza.



Rice Warned Jimmy
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says the Bush administration explicitly warned Jimmy Carter against meeting Hamas despite Carter's assertions that he never got a clear signal from the government. Hamas is an enemy of the U.S., but there's no point in subjecting them to meeting Jimmy Carter.



Attacks on the Way?
Al Qaeda's number 2 leader, Ayman al-Zawahiri, has released a new audio tape saying several attacks on the West are still in the works. But al-Zawahiri admits there are delays mostly because of the weak dollar.



Wal-Mart #1
Wal-Mart remains the #1 company in the Fortune 500 as American consumers now see the chain as a place for bargains... and to live.

Carter's Promise
After meeting with Hamas leaders, Jimmy Carter says the terrorist group will accept a peace deal with Israel if the Palestinian people approve such a deal... which means Hamas is going to continue killing any Palestinians who would approve such a deal.



Retirement Delays
A new report says Corporate America is finding new ways to keep baby boomer employees looking to retire. So far, the most effective plan is keeping gas prices too high for workers to afford to drive home.



Feeling Gassy
The Consumer Federation of America holds news conference today to release the results of a survey of consumers' attitudes on gas prices. Instead of showing a bunch of facts and figures, they're just going to scratch their fingernails against a blackboard.




Earth Day Comics
Newspaper comics across the country plan to "go green" for Earth Day tomorrow. Of course, Blondie has been recycling jokes for 60 years.




IPO Buzz
Stock investors are hot today on an IPO for fertilizer company Intrepid Potash. The company's slogan is "Intrepid Potash: It’s the Shit!”



D.C. Twisters
A pair of tornadoes struck Washington D.C. Sunday, mangling trees, stripping siding off several homes, and actually getting members of Congress to shut up for five minutes.

Pope's Mass
Pope Benedict XVI celebrated mass at Yankee Stadium Sunday. After the game the Yankees traded him for two bishops and utility infielder.

After the Pope delivered a homily dedicated to peace and understanding, the crowd seemed to understand; responding with applause and only a few shouts of "Mets Suck!"



Giuliani Takes Communion
Former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani received Communion at yesterday's Papal mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral despite the fact that Giuliani has been divorced twice and favors abortion rights. The Church later clarified that it only bars Communion for Democrats who have been divorced twice and favor abortion right.


Black Baseball Players
A new report shows that only 8% of Major League Baseball players are African-American. Apparently steroids are hard to find in black neighborhoods.



Patrick Wins One!
Danica Patrick became the first female winner in IndyCar history today, taking the Indy Japan 300 after she was the only driver willing to ask directions.



China Protests
Chinese protesters have been targeting French-owned businessed in Beijing in response to French protesters who disrupted the Olympic Torch relay in Paris. So now the Chinese and the French are fighting each other... you gotta love it when a good plan comes together.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday



Bad News for Pfizer
Pfizer announced disappointing earnings this morning and its stock price is near an 11-year low. It's not clear if things are really bad at the company or if Pfizer is just trying to get its investors more dependent on its drugs.



Pope Today
People began arriving at Washington's baseball stadium at 5 a.m. today for a 10 a.m. Mass to be celebrated by Pope Benedict XVI. That's great news for the vendors selling $6 "Pope Dogs" and "Papal Beer" for $7.50.


Pope's Theme
Pope Benedict XVI continues his visit to the United States today hoping to bring faith, good deeds, and peace between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.



Alzheimer's Study
A new study shows that heavy drinkers are more likely to develop Alzheimer's disease... which explains why so many people forget to pay their bar tab.



Lethal Injections Allowed
The Supreme Court has upheld the legality of lethal injections. A majority of the justices rejected arguments that the executions cause excruciating pain to the inmates and the construction companies desperate to build more prisons in the economic slowdown.



Bumped Passengers
The government is ordering airlines to double the compensation they must pay passengers bumped from oversold flights to as much as $800. That should cover the cost of about two cups of coffee and airport parking fees.

See-Through Technology
New technology that can "see" through clothing and detect what's underneath is a potentially effective tool to prevent terrorism... and to help women seeing new men decide if they should go on that third date.



Hedge Fund Money
The top 25 hedge fund managers averaged a salary of $892 million each in 2007. But due to high inflation, all that bought them was a few houses and Hillary Clinton.



Pope's Birthday
Pope Benedict XVI turns 81 today. It's lucky that he's in the United States for his birthday, because now he can get that free breakfast at Denny's.


The Pope will conduct a Mass at Washington's Nationals Park tomorrow. To make sure everyone feels more comfortable seeing him on a baseball field, the Pontiff began injecting steroids last week.



Fuel Back to Gaza
Israel has resumed fuel shipments to Gaza after a weeklong cutoff. This is great news for Palestinians who were running out of gas to help them set tires on fire.



Ahmadinejad's Latest
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is casting doubt over the U.S. version of the Sept. 11th attacks, calling it a pretext used to invade Afghanistan and Iraq. It's not clear whether Ahmadinejad is trying to anger the United States, or just impress Rosie O'Donnell.

Pope on the Way
Pope Benedict XVI is scheduled to arrive in the U.S. today. The Pope is currently conducting a special Mass where he is praying that his flight will not be canceled or his bags hopelessly lost.

Pope Trip
Pope Benedict XVI is on his way to the U.S. at this hour. He did remembered to bring his slip-on shoes of a fisherman to get through airport security a little faster.

Pope on Sex Abuse
Pope Benedict XVI says the U.S. clergy sexual abuse scandal caused him "great suffering"... the Italian victims, on the other hand, "had it coming."



Tax Day
Today is the deadline to file your taxes. As a courtesty, the U.S. government would prefer if everyone paid their taxes in euros.



Egypt Terror Trial
25 members of the terrorist group "Muslim Brotherhood" have been sentenced to up to 10 years in jail in Egypt. But they will be released as soon as all the foreign journalists leave.


Food Aid
President Bush is sending $200 million in emergency aid to help starving countries across the world. That will be $1 million for the food, and $199 million for shipping and handling.

Food Aid II
President Bush is sending $200 million in emergency aid to help starving countries across the world. And that will be worth $400 million to the nations with supermarkets offering double coupons.

Hamas Day Care Daily Schedule

6:30am: Mothers drop children off, get beaten for not watching their children.

7:00am - 8:30am: Morning prayers, followed by daily Jew-bashing sermon.

8:45am - 9am: Clean up toys... and the rubble from last night's suicide bombing.

9am - 9:30am: Pin the Bomb on the Donkey.

9:30 - 10:30am: Nap time, (AKA: "Pretend to be a martyr").

10:30am - 11:30am: Snack time, (CANCELED DUE TO HAMAS LEADERS TAKING U.N. FOOD SUBSIDIES TO BUY MORE BOMBS)

11:30am - 12pm: Children play rousing game of "Who's the Israeli informant?"

12pm - 12:30pm: Clean up carcass of loser of "Who's the Israeli informant?"

12:30pm - 1pm: Lunch, (only provided if Jews have been murdered that day).

1-2pm: Practice crying for BBC TV crew.

2-4pm: Circle time.

4-5:30pm: Story time, AKA: Scary stories we'll tell Mr. Carter when he comes to visit.

5:30-6pm: Dismissal, pick up. (PARENTS, PLEASE BE PREPARED TO TAKE YOUR CHILD'S EXPLOSIVE BELT AT THIS TIME. WE DO NOT ASSUME RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY WEAPONS LEFT BEHIND!).

Jersey Extracted
Construction workers jackhammered through concrete yesterday to pull out a Red Sox jersey from the base of the new Yankee Stadium. The bodies of the 15 former union officials also in the foundation were not disturbed.



CBS Journalist Released
CBS says it's "overjoyed" by the release of reporter Richard Butler, who was kidnapped in Basra in February. CBS is even more overjoyed by the fact that the terrorists were willing to trade him for Katie Couric.



Clearing the Air
Beijing is halting construction and development city-wide in hopes of cleaning the air in time for the summer Olympics. But without any new cemeteries, where will the government put all the murdered protesters?



Buyout Offer
Blockbuster is reportedly trying to buy Circuit City... mostly so it will have some company when it goes to bankruptcy court.

Blockbuster is reportedly trying to buy Circuit City... proving that Blockbuster executives never learned that two wrongs don't make a right.



Hillary Bashes Obama
Hillary Clinton says that Barack Obama's comments about "bitter" small-town Americans "elitist, out of touch and frankly, patronizing"... and if Obama tries to steal her speech writers again, she'll throttle him!

Graffiti Alert
Classes and all other events have been canceled after "suspicious graffiti" was found in three men's restrooms at Oakland University in Michigan. University officials say the only reason the graffiti was suspicious because it was spelled right.



Impressing the Pope
President Bush is pulling out all the stops for Pope Benedict XVI's visit this month; driving out to meet the Pope's plane, bringing a giant audience to the South Lawn and hosting a fancy East Room dinner. Apparently, no one's told Bush that the Vatican doesn't have any oil.

Of course, President Bush and the Pope have a lot in common; they were both annointed by oil.



Merger Close
Delta and Northwest are finally close to announcing a merger. The deal would create the world's largest carrier, thus making easier, faster, and less expensive to cancel hundreds of flights every day.



Carter Meets Hamas
Former President Jimmy Carter is defending his decision to meet with the leaders of the Hamas terrorist group... mostly because vicious murderers are the only people still willing to meet with him.



Obama Backtracks
Barack Obama says bitter small town blue collar workers have turned to God, guns and immigrant bashing. That's radically opposed to the teachings of his pastor, who continues to encourage bitter Americans to simply bash white people.

Hillary's Strikes Back
Hillary Clinton is slamming Barack Obama's statement about bitter Americans turning to God, guns and immigrant bashing. Of course whenever Hillary gets bitter, she simply decides to run for higher office.

Newseum Opens
The flashy, $450-million "Newseum" opened today in Washington, D.C. Most of that $450million has already been spent on the Katie Couric memorial.



Hillary's New Promise
Hillary Clinton says if she's elected president, she'll put 100,000 more cops on the streets... and she'll need that many to keep everyone in America from trying to kill her.



Palestine Hotel Attack
Insurgents have fired three mortar shells at the Baghdad hotel used by Western journalists this morning. It's not clear if al Qaeda was trying to attack U.S. forces or just protest what's happening to Katie Couric.



GE Misses
GE earnings for the first quarter came in surprisingly low. So the only people more disappointed than GE shareholders this morning are American Airlines passengers.




Linens & Debts
Linens 'N Things is expected to file for bankruptcy today. The company says it always did well with sales of linens, but not so much with the things.

Couric Out?
CBS is reportedly preparing to axe Katie Couric any day now. Couric hasn't been treated quite like this since on the job she did that colonoscopy on live TV.



Terror Plot
China says it has uncovered a criminal ring planning to kidnap athletes at the Beijing Olympic Games. Chinese police have captured the criminals and are re-training them to attack Tibetan protesters.



More Flight Cancellations
American Airlines canceled another 900 flights today as it continues to perform safety inspections on certain jets. The only people in real danger now are American Airlines ticket agents.



United Fare Hikes
United Airlines has raised U.S. domestic fares by up to $30 round-trip.. and $60 for flights that don't end being canceled.



TSA Program
The Transportation Security Administration is launching a new X-ray system, starting in Chicago. The first thing they're going to X-ray are the heads of all the executives at American Airlines to see if there's anything there.

Colombian Deal Delayed
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is blasting the Congressional delay on the Colombian free trade agreement. It's getting so bad, Juan Valdez has been forced to eat his own donkey.



Flame in San Francisco
Massive protests are planned today as the Olympic torch makes its way through San Francisco. Some human rights activists are promising to grab the torch, others say they will extinguish the flame, and Richard Gere is threatening to do another movie.



787 Delayed
Boeing is again delaying delivery on its 787 Dreamliner aircraft. In a bit of poetic justice, Boeing is only offering every airline still waiting for the plane two free drink vouchers and seat upgrade.



Credit Card Abuse
A new report says federal employees charged Internet dating, tailor-made suits, lingerie, lavish dinners and other questionable expenses to their government credit cards from 2005 to 2006. The report is so shocking since government workers don't usually spend too much money.



American Checks
American Airlines has canceled another 850 flights today as it spends another day inspecting the wiring on some of its jets because of safety concerns... and looking for loose change because it's going out of business.



Text Message Warnings
Federal regulators are close to developing an emergency text message alert system. So in case of nuclear attack, the two groups with the best chance of surviving now are cockroaches and teenagers.

Jayhawks Win
Kansas pulled out an amazing comeback to defeat Memphis for the NCAA basketball championship. The only more amazing comeback would be if the Kansas players actually came back to class.



Petraeus on the Hill
General David Petraeus heads to Capitol Hill for Senate hearings on the state of the Iraq war. John McCain is expected to ask Petraeus about the surge and Hillary Clinton is expected to ask him for some good war stories she can steal.



Hillary's Demand
Hillary Clinton is demanding that President Bush skip the opening ceremonies for the Olympics in Beijing... so she can criticize him for not going four months from now.



Relay Nixed?
The International Olympic Committee is considering ending the international leg of the Beijing Olympic torch relay because of anti-Chinese protests... and because no one can afford the lighter fuel to keep the torch lit.



Speaking to the Media
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are speaking to the Communications Workers of America Union gathering in Washington today. Mrs. Clinton will ask the union to endorse her campaign while Obama is expected to simply ask the media workers to continue only shooting him from his good side.

Prohibition Anniversary
75 years ago today, the U.S. repealed prohibition... which is why so many millions of Americans will turn 75 nine months from today.



Idol Charity
"Idol Gives Back," is American Idol's charity program to help people in extreme poverty in the U.S. and around the world... of course, most of the neediest people are former American Idol contestants.



Angry Fliers
Surveys show complaints and anger are soaring at all U.S. airlines... and that's just from the CEO's.


Meanwhile, the annual report detailing airline quality will be released today in Washington, D.C. The news conference is expected to last 25 seconds.



Registration Soaring
Voter registration is surging in all 50 states... not because of heightened political interests, just because registering to vote is the only activity Americans can still afford.




Lady Hoopsters
Tennessee will play Stanford Tuesday night for the women's college basketball championship... and the right to be racially and sexually slurred by Dom Imus.



Torch Extinguished
The Olympic torch had to be extinguished three times this morning as it traveled through Paris... not because of Anti-China protestors, but because too many Parisians were trying to light their cigarettes with it.

Clinton Strategist Quits
The chief strategist for Sen. Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign, Mark Penn, is quitting. After writing most of Mrs. Clinton's speeches, Penn is being offered millions to write the sequel to Pinocchio.



Top 5 Questions on the New Bear Stearns Job Application

5) Do you know how to operate a hand truck?

4) Can the CEO park his Lexus at your house until the repo man goes away?

3) Does seeing grown men cry make you uncomfortable?

2) Do you have any empty boxes you could bring in to work every day?

1) How much money do you have in your wallet right now?



Olympic Torch Grabbed
Rioters clashed with British police on Sunday and tried to grab the Olympic torch. It turns out the rioters weren't protesting against China, they were just Kansas and Memphis fans hoping to use the torch to set the winning school's campus ablaze.


Box Office Jackpot
The black jack movie "21" is number one at the box office for the second week in a row... not because it's a good film, just because most Americans need to gamble to make a living.



Michigan State Riots
Police used tear gas to disperse a crowd at a large party near the Michigan State campus after fights broke out and officers were pelted with bottles and cans. Police say the students started the riot after mistakenly thinking the basketball team made the Final Four.

Jackpot Winner
A Detroit-area truck driver has won the $136 million Mega Millions lottery jackpot... so he should have just enough money to pay for gas for another two weeks.



Jobs Report
The U.S. economy lost 80,000 jobs in March. It's not that anyone was fired or laid off, it's just that people can no longer afford the gas to drive in to work.



Woeful Poll Results
A new poll says that 81% of Americans believe the U.S. is "on the wrong track." The other 19% work for Amtrak.

Woeful Poll Results II
A new poll says that 81% of Americans believe the U.S. is "on the wrong track." The other 19% sell items made in China.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday




Sexy Time
A new survey of sex therapists concluded the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse was 3 to 13 minutes... of course, that must have been a survey of just MALE sex therapists.

Sexy Time II
A new survey of sex therapists concluded the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse was 3 to 13 minutes... so that means Eliot Spitzer is shelling out at least $6,000-a-minute!



Drug Prices Soaring
Even as the economy slows, prices for prescription drugs are rising steadily... this is mostly because of the greater demand for drugs that help people forget about the economy.



Earmark Task Force
Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell is putting together a special task force to stop wasteful government spending and earmarks. Assembling the task force is expected to cost taxpayers about $15 billion.


Al Qaeda Claim
Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri has released a new statement insisting that the terror group "does not kill innocents." This is the kind of stuff we can expect to hear from him now that he's hired Hillary Clinton's speechwriter.



Hillary's Heart Rending Tale
Hillary Clinton has been touching audiences at each of her campaign stops with a story of a young pregnant woman who lost her baby and then died herself because she had no health coverage. It's not clear if the story is entirely true, but we do know the father of the baby was probably Bill Clinton.



Just a Question...
... if you work for BlackBerry, does that mean you have a "Rimm Job?"

Bashing the Oil Companies
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are both bashing the oil companies for “gouging the public.” And they’re promising to punish them, as soon as they finish crisscrossing the country in their gas guzzling limousines and private jets.



Wal-Mart Rethinks
Wal-Mart is dropping a controversial effort to collect over $400,000 in health-care reimbursement from a former employee who lost her son in Iraq and is confined to a nursing home since she suffered brain damage in a traffic accident. The company realized it was just easier to have her killed instead.



Bernanke on the Hill
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke will appear before the Joint Economic Committee on Capitol Hill today. The Congressmen and Senators will ask Bernanke about the housing crisis, the Bear Stearns collapse, and whether their next pay raise can be in euros.



Auto Sales Fall
American and Japanese automakers reported double-digit U.S. sales declines in March. It’s not because the cars aren’t good, it’s just that most Americans can’t afford the gas to drive to the dealership.



Bank Layoffs
According to a new survey, U.S. banks are set to cut up to 200,000 jobs in the next year… which means the average wait for a real live teller at your bank branch will be about 3-to-5 business days.



Pfizer Pulls Drug
Pfizer is pulling an advanced melanoma drug from the testing process after a review of interim data showed it was ineffective... which is a shame, since the company had such funny commercials for the drug all ready to go in time for the next Super Bowl.

Yankees Opener Postponed
Even though the rain had stopped for hours, the Yankees canceled their home opener Monday. Luckily, the 53,000 fans who came to the stadium to see a bunch of low-life's shoot up illegal drugs got to see the same thing as they drove through the Bronx on their way home.



UBS Writedowns
UBS is writing off another $19 billion in real estate related investments. The bank admitted that even though it's Swiss, it was probably a bad idea to offer mortgages on houses made of chocolate and gingerbread.



Autistic School Founder
The woman who opened the only school in China for autistic children says she once thought of poisoning her own autistic child... but then she decided to get him some toys made in America instead.



Oil Execs Grilled
A House committee grilled executives from the world's five biggest oil companies today, criticizing them for taking tax subsidies and not investing in renewable resources, lowering gas prices, or at least taking them all out for a night at the Emperor's Club.



Pilots Packing
A new survey shows that 10% of U.S. commercial pilots are carrying firearms in the cockpit. The other 90% would too, but they figure being drunk, armed and flying a plane is really pushing it.