NEWSDAY ALERT!! I was back in Thursday's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday

UN Intervenes
A U.N. rep is headed to Myanmar to try to stop the violence... which means the violent government crackdown will either continue indefinitely or be blamed on Israel.



Drug Rep Found Dead
The body of a missing Eli Lilly drug sales rep has been found in Illinois. Her family can pick up the body, as soon as they scrape together the $15 co-pay.



Nuns Booted
Six Catholic nuns in Arkansas have been excommunicated for heresy after refusing to give up membership in a sect whose founder claims to be possessed by the Virgin Mary. The Church vows to continue the excommunications until the sect is disbanded, or Notre Dame finally wins a football game, whichever comes first.



Cocaine Bust
L.A. police found a stash of guns, cocaine and cash hidden alongside toys in a day care center today. So THAT'S why those kids there were so well behaved.



World Cup Defeat
Brazil's 4-0 defeat of the U.S. delivered a stunning ending to the American women's World Cup dreams... but the news was even more stunning to 99.999% of American sports fans who didn't even know they were playing anyway.

Ninja Burglar
The so-called "ninja burglar" has broken into dozens of homes in Staten Island, shocking NYPD officers who didn't know there was anything on Staten Island worth stealing.



Stadium Name
Two Cubs fans in Chicago have named their newborn son "Wrigley." The child will need to be monitored for inevitable choking problems every October.



Space Germs
A new study shows that germs taken into space come back to Earth stronger and deadlier... mostly because they put on adult diapers and start stalking their human subjects.




Supreme Court on Lethal Injection
The Supreme Court will hear a challenge from two inmates on death row in Kentucky who claim lethal injection amounts to cruel and unusual punishment. The justices will have to decide whether being executed in Kentucky is more cruel than living in Kentucky.



Genius Grants
The MacArthur foundation has named the recipients of its annual "genius" grants. Every winner gets $500,000 to help continue their work, publish their findings, and finally get a date.

Ahmadinejad Speech
Before allowing Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to speak, Columbia University President Lee Bollinger cited all of the things the Iranian government does that Columbia finds unacceptable, including public executions of minors, imprisonment of gays, and the failure to charge $45,000 a year for college tuition.

During his remarks, Ahmadinejad said there are no homosexuals in Iran... which must make it very hard for him to date.



UAW Strike
73,000 UAW members started walking off the job at GM today, although it's unclear whether they were on strike or if they were just taking a break to pick up their Buicks from the shop for the eighth time this month.



Steroid Raid
Federal drug officials say they've raided 56 labs in the largest illegal steroid investigation in U.S. history. The raids have already led to arrests, fines, and the cancellation of the upcoming Major League Baseball playoffs.



Trump on Bush
Donald Trump says the best thing President Bush can do for the Republican party in 2008 is to go into "hiding." Trump learned that last year when NBC asked him to do the same thing.



Tyson Charged
Mike Tyson has pleaded guilty to drug and drunk driving charges. That's in addition to his outstanding indictment for tattooing under the influence.

Mime Dies
Marcel Marceau died Saturday. In his honor, all of the world's mimes
will observe a moment of noise.



Ahmadinejad Protest
10,000 protesters are expected in New York City tomorrow as Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is scheduled to speak at the UN and Columbia University. Some demonstrators are angry over what Ahmadinejad reportedly plans to do to Israel, but most are just furious over what he's already going to do to traffic in midtown Manhattan.


Ahmadinejad promises to bring "correct and clear information" to the American people... including the fact that he's been told "Member's Only" jackets are still in style.



Tattoo Remorse
A new survey shows that 24% of Americans with tattoos regret having gotten them... while 100% of decent Americans regret having to see them.



Auto Talks
GM and the UAW are reportedly in the final stages of new contract negotiations. Apparently, the sticking point is the two sides can't agree on how many union workers are needed to make the three actual cars GM will probably sell all of next year.

FedEx Profits
FedEx says the current mortgage crisis is hurting company profits... I guess because too many people are choosing to live in their boxes rather than sending stuff in them.



Subway Cell Phones
Some telecom providers are getting ready to offer cell phone service on the New York City subway. The ad campaign will be: "Can you smell me now?"



Newt's Pledge
Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich says he might run for president if supporters will pledge $30 million by November. And if he doesn't run for president, he'll still send every donor a free mug and tote bag.



Jena Protest
Thousands of chanting demonstrators filled the streets of Jena, Louisiana today in support of six black teenagers charged with beating a white classmate. But this is just a rehearsal for when O.J. Simpson is formally charged next week.



Star Wars Slur
Hillary Clinton is calling Vice President Dick Cheney, "Darth Vader." She should know after all the years she's been married to Jabba the Hut.

O.J. Charges
O.J. Simpson has now been charged with 11 felonies, including kidnapping, robbery, and resurrecting Court TV.


The judge has set bail for O.J. Simpson at $125,000... and so, O.J. Simpson's soiled prison outfit is now on sale for $125,000 on SportsMemorabilia.com.



Lebanon Assassination
Another anti-Syrian politician in Lebanon has been killed in another mysterious car bombing, casting a dark cloud over that Lebanon's fragile democracy, not to mention the whole Beirut real estate market.




Jackson vs. Obama
Jesse Jackson is blasting Senator Barack Obama for "pretending to be white," while Obama is blasting Jackson for pretending that anyone gives a damn what he says anymore.




College Aid Bill
Democratic leaders have formally signed a $20 billion college aid bill that will boost federal grants for low-income students, lower interest rates for student loans, and give colleges and universities yet another excuse to raise tuition next year.

Top 5 Shocking Revelations in Alan Greenspan's New Book


5) From the days of Gerald Ford all the way to George W. Bush, he never washed his hands when using the White House bathroom.


4) "Irrational Exuberance" is actually a phrase his wife coined the last time he used Viagra.


3) Basically, he created the housing bubble because he's hot for that chick on "Extreme Makeover Home Edition."


2) He actually doesn't know the difference between a stock and a bond.


1) Usually consulted Tony Soprano before making any interest rate decisions.




Student Tasered
A University of Florida student was Tasered and arrested at a speech given by U.S. Senator John Kerry... meaning he was a lot luckier than everyone else who stayed to hear the rest of Kerry's speech.



Don't Know Much...
A new study shows that less than half of college seniors knew that Yorktown was the battle that ended the American Revolution or that NATO was formed to resist Soviet expansion. That's because colleges are much too busy teaching students more important things like how all white men are evil and why they should boycott Coke.



Food Prices
Pasta, bread and even Twinkies cost more as bad weather is creating higher wheat prices across the board. Great, now even God is making me go on the Atkins diet.




Court Decision
Experts say the European court's decision to reject Microsoft's anti-trust appeal bodes ill for other American companies that import controversial items into Europe like software, food, and deodorant.

O.J. in Solitary
O.J. Simpson is currently being held in isolation in the Las Vegas jail... mostly to keep him safe from Greta Van Susteren.



Men and Cleanliness
A new study shows that about 33% of men don't wash their hands after using the restroom. But 100% of men do lather up after using the restroom with Sen. Larry Craig.



Hillary's Plan
Hillary Clinton unveiled her $110 billion universal health care plan today, insisting that: ""Here in America people are dying because they couldn't get the care they needed when they were sick." Actually, in America people are dying because they couldn't get the care they needed after eating 11 Big Macs a week.


Several major corporations are backing Hillary Clinton's health care plan... mostly because they'll need someone else to care for all the Americans their poisoning with imported Chinese products.



France on Iran
France is warning that the West may need to go to war with Iran if it develops nuclear weapons, refuses democratic reforms, and continues to serve lamb without red wine.



Fast Food in China
McDonald's and KFC are both announcing major expansions in China. It's not clear if this is about making money, or if this is America's revenge for all those poisonous toys.

Made in China
I went to the toy store to buy something for my kid yesterday. When I was checking out, the cashier asked me if I wanted regular or unleaded.




Madonna in Israel
Pop singer Madonna met with Israeli President Shimon Peres in Israel this weekend. Within 15 minutes, Peres had already given her the West Bank and the Golan Heights.




Protesters Pinched
190 anti-war protesters were arrested in Washington Saturday. Apparently they think the best way to stop the war in Iraq is by punching out police officers.



UAW and GM
Labor talks have resumed between GM and the UAW. The auto workers want to keep their health care benefits, which is silly because you don't need health care insurance when your job is being moved to China.




Arctic Ice Melting
Satellite photos show that Arctic ice has shrunk to the lowest level on record. Scientists aren't sure if this rise in temperatures is due to erosion of the ozone layer or the death of Leona Helmsley.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday

Living Longer
The good news is that the life expectancy for Americans is nearly 78 years, the longest in U.S. history. The bad news is that most of us will spend the majority of that time waiting for delayed flights.



Freedom of Religion
A new poll shows that most Americans mistakenly believe the nation's founders wrote Christianity into the Constitution. In actuality, the founding fathers dictated that everyone in America was guaranteed freedom of religion, as long as they could afford a good Jewish lawyer.



New Ad Campaign
Wal-Mart is getting rid of its "Always low prices" slogan, in favor of a new slogan: "Imported Chinese Death."



Apple King
Burger King will now sell apple slices — served in a french-fry-like cup — to add a fresh fruit option to its menu. But they only come as part of a value meal with a bacon-triple cheeseburger and chocolate shake.



Painted Cabs
An arts group is covering New York City’s yellow taxicabs with colorful flower decals hand-painted by schoolchildren. Too bad painted flowers don't make cabs smell any better.

Fed Fire
Federal Reserve president Janet Yellen is under fire for saying that the Fed is not meant to bail out investors... actually it's meant to bail out politicians.



Petraeus Blasted
Dozens of U.S. Senators are bashing General Patreus' Iraq war plans as "fundamentally flawed"... and they can say that with authority based on their many years of experience playing "Risk" and "Stratego."



City Fast Food Law Nixed
A judge has struck down a New York City rule requiring fast-food restaurants to post calorie content on menus, saying it conflicts with federal law, and nobody knows how many calories are in a cockroach anyway.



Day of Conception
Because of a population crisis, the central Russian region of Ulyanovsk is declaring "September 12th a special day of conception," and offering prizes for couples that get pregnant. In America we have a similar tradition, it's called "Spring Break."


Gray Whale Comeback?
Scientists are now questioning reports of the Gray Whale's comeback from near-extinction... mostly because the whales are using the same choreographer as Britney Spears.

Petraeus Speaks
General Petraeus told Congress Monday that the 'surge' in Iraq is working, but America probably won't feel safe every again after Britney Spears' performance at the Video Music Awards.



Craig Backtracks
Sen. Larry Craig filed papers Monday seeking to withdraw his guilty plea in an airport sex sting. He's also demanding that Sears give him a full refund for all of his Village People 8-track tapes.



China-U.S. Deal
China and the U.S. are reportedly close to making a deal on faulty Chinese-made products imported to the U.S. The agreement allows China to continue to manufacture poisonous food and toys, as long as it's only bought in the U.S. by illegal immigrants at Wal-Mart.



Obesity Study
A new study shows that Mississippi is the most obese state in the U.S. That's because the only people living in Mississippi are the ones who were too fat and slow to get out.



Wolverines Lose Again
The University of Michigan has lost its first two football games of the 2007 season, simultaneously demoralizing football fans and eliminating the only good reason to actually still be in the state of Michigan.

Pro Football Kicks Off
The NFL season kicked off today... it was like watching six straight hours of "America's Most Wanted."



Working Dads
A new survey shows that 48% of dads are sad about missing a significant event in their child's life due to work, travel, or Monday Night Football.



Osama Tape
In a new videotape, Osama bin Laden urges his followers to take greater advantage of the 9/11 anniversary... but to really do that right, they'd have to join the Giuliani campaign.



Sex Offenders Ordered Out
More than 2,700 recently paroled sex offenders in California have been told they have to move because they are violating a new law that bars them from living near schools and parks. Oh great, just what the California real estate market needed: more homes on the market.



Country Vixen
Country star Sara Evans' husband is asking the singer in a court filing to admit she was romantically involved with nearly a dozen other people during their marriage. Evans' lawyers are responding by reminding everyone that country music songs don't write themselves.

Pavarotti Dead
Famed tenor Luciano Pavarotti has died. The expected pasta surplus is depressing food prices all across Europe.



Fossett Searched
The search for famed billionaire adventurer Steve Fossett has been expanded to 10,000 square miles. More people would be willing to help look for Fossett if they could find out whether or not he was carrying his wallet.



U.S. Population Growth
Experts say there will be more than 105 million more people living in the U.S. by 2060. Those experts also believe that each and every one of them will have their own personal Starbuck's.



Jersey Politician Sting
Two mayors and two state legislators are among 11 public officials arrested in New Jersey today as part of a bribery and corruption investigation. Most of the officials were given bribes by local residents desperate to get out of New Jersey.



Buffett Robbery Foiled
A would-be robber was chased off of Warren Buffett's property last night. Of course, Buffett is the #1 stockholder in that security company and its shares are up 453% in today's trading.



Toyota Exec Hired Away
Chrysler has hired away a top executive from Toyota to help improve sales. Of course, it would have been cheaper just to buy a bunch or Toyota logos and slap them on the front fenders of every new Chrysler.

New Ipod
Steve Jobs has unveiled a new iPod that can hold up to 40,000 songs... or keep you amused until you finally get through aiport security, whichever comes first.



Craig Staying?
Disgraced Senator Larry Craig has hired some high-priced lawyers to help him reverse his decision to resign and fight his lewd behavior conviction... so for comedy writers, Larry Craig is now officially the gift that keeps on giving.



Gillmor Dead
Rep. Paul Gillmor of Ohio was found dead in his apartment in the nation's capital today. The 68-year-old Republican's family is in deep mourning, but are comforted by the fact that he wasn't found in an airport men's room.



Ancient Beehives
Archaeologists in Israel have discovered evidence of a 3,000-year-old beekeeping industry, including ancient honeycombs, beeswax and what they believe are the oldest intact beehives ever found. Local Arab groups are demanding the beehives be turned over to them... so they can destroy them.



No Strike
A threatened strike by New York City cabbies who oppose being forced to use GPS navigation devices fizzled today. The only thing that would really cause a noticeable taxi strike is forcing the cabbies to take a shower.

Whoopi Backs Vick
Whoopi Goldberg started her stint on ABC's "The View" by defending Michael Vick. Well that makes sense, dog fighting is what "The View is all about.



Fossett Missing
The search is on for billionaire aviatior Steve Fossett after his small plane went missing in western Nevada. It's not sure who's more nervous right now, his family or the company that gave him flight insurance.



Lewis Under Fire
Jerry Lewis is under fire for using the word "faggot" during his annual telethon this Labor Day Weekend. Gay rights groups would protest, but none of them wants to admit they watched the telethon.


Michigan Primary
Both the Democratic and Republican parties have indicated they will impose sanctions on Michigan for holding an early primary. But really, isn't having all the presidential candidates coming to your state at one time punishment enough?

Michigan Primary II
Both the Democratic and Republican parties have indicated they will impose sanctions on Michigan for holding an early primary. And that punishment will be forcing every person in the state to watch reruns of Appalachian State's win over the University of Michigan last Saturday.



Thompson Stays Out
Republican Presidential candidate Fred Thompson will not participate in this week's GOP debate in New Hampshire, but he will run an ad during the broadcast. Thompson is also planning on hitchiking on Rudy Giuliani's campaign bus and mooching Mitt Romney's WiFi connection.


Thompson Stays Out II
Republican Presidential candidate Fred Thompson will not participate in this week's GOP debate in New Hampshire to be telecast on FOX News. That's good news for FOX, which didn't want viewers to think it was just another God damned rerun on "Law and Order."

Shark Dies
A dead shark washed up this Labor Day weekend on Rockaway Beach in Queens, New York. Experts believe the shark tried to eat some of the local swimmers, but choked to death on all the gold chains and cologne.



Bush in Iraq
President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq Monday, saying fewer U.S. forces may be able to maintain security at the current level.... especially since that current level is "no security."



New Study
Science is confirming what most women know: When given the choice for a mate, men go for good looks... except for the guys who prefer someone who tenderly taps their foot in the men's bathroom.



New Law
18-wheeler trucks from Mexico will soon be allowed to drive into the United States... or as the illegal immigrants like to call them: "mobile homes."



Report on Iraq
Iraq's prime minister says he expects his government to get favorable marks when Congress makes it's official report next week... but he doesn't want to say what he had to do in the men's room to get those good marks.

WWE Investigation
After an intense steroid investigation, the WWE has suspended eleven wrestlers... for NOT using steroids.



Labor Day
Monday is the Labor Day Holiday; an extra day off for American union leaders to make useless campaign donations.



Michigan Shocked
Tiny Appalachian State shocked Michigan in a 34-32 football win Saturday. Even more shocking was the fact that Appalachian State students didn't celebrate by overturning cars and setting fires.


Michigan Shocked II
A day after losing to tremendous underdog Appalachian State, the University of Michigan football team is still trying to figure out what happened. Recruiting an entire freshmen class that could actually read was probably their first mistake.



Craig Quits
Idaho Senator Larry Craig has finally announced his resignation. Craig says he's looking forward to his new career as a men's room attendant.



15-Year-Old Freshman
15-year-old Brittney Exline began her college career this weekend as she entered the University of Pennsylvania. This means that Exline is obviously an extraordinary student... it also means that every guy who hits on her is going to need a good lawyer.