Torch in China
The Olympic torch has arrived in Beijing. It will now be taken all across China, where it will be used to set protesters on fire.



Vytorin Trial Shocker
New trials show that the anti-cholesterol drug Vytorin does not actually reduce heart disease... well, it's hard to stop people from having heart attacks when they see how much the damn drug costs.



Jackson Quitting
Housing and Urban Development Secretary Alphonso Jackson is resigning. He wanted to keep working to fix the housing market, but realized it would be a lot more fun buying up foreclosed homes for a fraction of the price.



Bill Says Fight On
Former President Bill Clinton says the continuing battle between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton is good for the Democratic party, because "conflict can be exciting and good,"... he also likes it when a woman plays hard to get.



Player Arrested
High school basketball phenom Al-Farouq Aminu was arrested Friday on charges of aggravated assault and trespassing... wow, he really is ready for the NBA!

"Earth Hour"
In order to bring attention to the problem of wasted energy, hundreds of cities from Rome to Chicago turned out their lights last night for one full hour. The stunt didn't actually do very much for the environment, but it was great for those cities' muggers, burglars and rapists.



New Fed Powers
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is set to propose sweeping new powers for the Federal Reserve bank, including the right to examine the financial status of any institution that could affect the markets. Sounds like a good plan, but just how will the Fed get a hold of the books from the Emperor's Club?



Open Skies Begins
The new "open skies" agreement between the U.S. and Britain goes into effect today, giving passengers on both sides of the Atlantic more options when it comes to nonstop flights. Now they can choose whether to be hopelessly delayed at JFK, LaGuardia, Heathrow, Gatwick, Newark...




New Arrivals in D.C.
Reports out of Washington say the cherry blossoms are already in bloom, which is weird because I thought the new Congressional interns didn't show up until the end of May.



Road Blocks Removed
Under pressure from the U.S., Israel is promising to remove 50 roadblocks from the West Bank. But Palestinian leaders won't be satisfied until the Israelis give the terrorists an E-Z Pass lane.



Islam is #1
The Vatican newspaper says Islam has now surpassed Roman Catholicism as the world's largest religion. But just to be sure, the world's Muslims are planning to kill a few more Catholics tgab usual this week.

Cuba Cell Phones
President Raul Castro is now allowing all Cuban people free access to cell phones. Thousands of Cubans are now desperately trying to convert their new cell phones into a giant raft to get to Key West.



Leahy Speaks Out
Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy says Hillary Clinton can't win the nomination and should drop out now. Patrick Leahy has about three days to live.

McCain and Dems
New polls show John McCain has surprisingly strong appeal among registered Democrats. He also is the most popular candidate among voters who are sane.



Tax Plans
The presidential candidates are all making new tax policy proposals to boost the economy. John McCain wants to keep the Bush tax cuts, Barack Obama wants to raise taxes on the rich, and Hillary Clinton just wants everyone to lie on the tax returns.




Obama Speech
During Barack Obama's speech about the economy today he said, "the American economy does not stand still, and neither should the rules that govern it"... to which Wall Street responded: "Wait, there are rules?"




March Madness Resumes
The NCAA Men's basketball tournament resumes today... it's a huge relief for all the players who have worked very hard the last four days trying to look like they were going to class.




Korea Expulsions
North Korea is expeling all South Korean officials from its territory... in hopes they come back in a few days and bring food.

China Angry
China is strongly protesting the U.S. military's mistaken delivery of nuclear missile fuses to Taiwan. If America can't keep track of its secret bomb parts, how is China going to able to find and steal them?




McCain Drafts Europe
John McCain is calling on Europe to share more of the world defense burden. Europe is willing to do the job as long as it gets six daily cigarette breaks and 12 weeks vacation.


McCain's Agenda
McCain devoted most of his speech today to what he called "the transcendent challenge of our time: The threat of radical Islamic terrorism." The news media responded by asking him if he prefers boxers or briefs and whether or not he drives a Prius.



American Flights Grounded
American Airlines says it voluntarily canceled nearly 10% of its flights today do make safety checks. That's opposed to United Airlines, which involuntarily canceled 20% of its flights today because a ticket counter agent called in sick.



Mental Capacity Case
The Indiana Solicitor General is asking the U.S. Supreme Court to bar mentally confused and incoherent defendants from representing themselves. of course, the only brain damaged people that should be allowed in court are the lawyers.

Hillary's Plan
Hillary Clinton is calling on retired government officials like Alan Greenspan, Paul Volcker and Robert Rubin to tackle the housing crisis. If elected, she also plans to call on George Washington, Benjamin Franklin and Abraham Lincoln.



Military Firing
The former commander of the U.S. 6th Fleet has been fired for providing "false and misleading" information to the Department of Defense. Of course, the only people who can legally give the Pentagon bad information work for the CIA.



Economic Fears
Consumer confidence sank to a five-year low in March, and that's just the people who can afford the gas to get to the store in the first place.



Hillary Comes Clean
Hillary Clinton now admits she really wasn't shot at by snipers during a mid-1990's visit to Bosnia, claiming she forgot what happened... because whether or not a bunch of killers shoot at you or not is pretty easy to forget.




Mistaken Missive
The U.S. Defense Department accidentally shipped ballistic missile components to Taiwan, the Pentagon said Tuesday. Taiwan is offering to either send them back, or just start making them there for the U.S. for a tenth of the price.

Mayor Charged
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has been indicted on felony charges... which is too bad, since he was the last person in Detroit who still had a job.



JPMorgan Sweetens the Deal
JPMorgan Chase is upping its offer for Bear Stearns from $2 per share to $10 per share. The sweetened offer was made to win over Bear Stearns shareholders and allow JPMorgan traders to get into Bear's March Madness office pool.




Johansson Jewish
In an interview on Israeli TV, Scarlett Johansson said she considers herself Jewish... which instantly made her unattractive to every Jewish male executive in Holllywood.


Johansson Jewish II
In an interview on Israeli TV, Scarlett Johansson said she considers herself Jewish... something she may have just said to get Woody Allen to stop hitting on her.




BBC Apology
The BBC is apologizing for major inaccuracies in two recent about Israel. But to save time from now own, the BBC will only apologize when it airs reports with accuracies about Israel.

Pope's Message of Peace
Pope Benedict XVI called for peace in Iraq, Israel and Tibet in his annual Easter message. Of course, the Pontiff wanted to remain realistic, so he didn't say anything about peace between Obama and Hillary.



Easter Hunting
It was a traditional Easter in America; millions of children searching for eggs, millions of adults searching for a gas at less than $3-a-gallon.



Meat Plant Explosion
A meat packing plant in Arkansas exploded Sunday afternoon, injuring several people and forcing evacuations. Witnesses saw three cows speeding away from the scene in a rented Ryder truck.



Dalai Lama Slammed
China is accusing the Dalai Lama of orchestrating the recent riots in Tibet in order to ruin the upcoming Olympic games. Usually the only people who can ruin the games are Bob Costas and slutty figure skaters.



No-Show Inspector
Police say the building inspector responsible for the crane that collapsed last week in Manhattan never showed up to check the structure... which is weird, because New York building inspectors usually like to pick up their bribes in person.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday



March Madness
Millions of Americans are getting their brackets filled out and making copies in the hopes of winning their office March Madness pools. The only people that waste more time, money and paper are members of Congress.




Midwest Floods
A state of emergency has been declared in Missouri because of massive flooding. The other place more under water than Missouri is Bear Stearns.



Hillary in the House
Newly released documents prove that Hillary Clinton was in the White House when her husband and Monica Lewinsky had most of their sexual encounters. Of course, if she really wanted to learn something, Hillary would have had to be in the same room.



Bin Laden Slams Benedict
Just a few days before Easter, Osama bin Laden's latest audio message accused Pope Benedict and Catholics in general of organizing a lengthy campaign against Islam... an accusation that lost some of its sting a little later in the tape when bin Laden begged his followers to send him more Cadbury Eggs and Peeps.



Gold Prices Fall
The plummeting price of gold this week is providing relief for consumers concerned about inflation, and broke Americans who thought they were going to have to pull out their own fillings.

Stocks Jump
The Dow Jones soared by 420 points Tuesday on good earnings news from Goldman Sachs, an interest rate cut from the Fed, and news of a 50% off weekend sale at The Emperor's Club.


The Fed cut interest rates by three-quarters of a point Tuesday... which means the rich guy who ends up buying your foreclosed house is going to get a great deal.



Iraq War Cost
A new study shows that the war in Iraq will wind up costing the United States more than three trillion dollars. But President Bush is quick to point out that, thanks to the collapsing U.S. economy, three trillion dollars is really only two trillion euros.



Visa IPO
Visa is going public today in a record-breaking $17.9 billion IPO... but most of that was paid for on credit cards.



Iraq Decision
Iraq's presidential council has withdrawn its objection to a provincial elections law, paving way for Oct. 1 vote. It turns out the Iraqis didn't want things to get as violent as the voting disputes surrounding the Democratic primaries in Michigan and Florida.

Obama Speech
Presidential candidate Barack Obama is set to deliver a major speech today on race and politics. Hillary Clinton will respond with a major speech reminding all Americans that she is certainly not at all disturbed by Obama's race, anti-American black nationalist pastor, or kinky hair.



Rebate Checks on the Way
The IRS says the tax rebate checks should be in the mail by May. So all Americans will have to make sure they have a forwarding address since most of their homes will be foreclosed by then.



Dalai Lama's Choice
The Dalai Lama says he is considering resigning because of violent protests against Chinese rule in Tibet... well, that and because he was "client number eight."



Paterson Comes Clean
New York's new Governor David Paterson is admitting that he and his wife had affairs during a "rough patch" in their marriage. That's okay with New York voters, as long as those affairs weren't with former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey and his wife, Dina.



D.C. Handguns
The Supreme Court will decide whether Washington's sweeping ban on handgun ownership violates the Constitution. Of course, Washington residents really only need guns when Congress is in session.

Holiday Observance
In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, Chicago has dyed its river green… and Bear Stearns has dyed its balance sheet red.



Fire Sale
JP Morgan is buying troubled brokerage Bear Stearns for the bargain basement price of $2 per share. The only thing less valuable than Bear Stearns stock are song downloads from Eliot Spitzer's ex-hookers.



Manson Search
Investigators are searching the former Manson family campsite for human remains connected to several unsolved murders. But it's not clear if they'll uncover more dead bodies there than there are to be found today on Bear Stearns' trading floor.



Israeli Construction
Despite strong European objections, Israel will continue to build Jewish settlements in East Jerusalem. Also despite strong European objections, Jewish people are still alive.



Mills McCartney Settlement
Heather Mills is getting about $50 million in her divorce settlement with Paul McCartney. So the next time Ringo needs cash, he's going to have to ask HER.

Crane Collapse
A huge crane came crashing down on the Upper East Side of Manhattan Saturday afternoon... well, it was either a crane or Eliot Spitzer's ego.

The damage from the collapse was so bad that the landlords of each of the damaged apartments will only raise their rents by 5% this week.

Bloodhounds and even some high-tech robots are searching the rubble for survivors. Experts say they can find anything with a human heart... so I guess those real estate brokers who are still missing are out of luck.



Candidates on Spitzer
On the campaign trail today, each of the presidential candidates made statements about the Eliot Spitzer scandal. John McCain says it's really "despicable," Barack Obama says it's really disgraceful, and Hillary Clinton says she really wants Kristin's phone number.



Wall St. Comes to Bush
The nation's leading financial advisers are meeting with President Bush tomorrow... although it's not clear whether they're there to talk about the economy or just ask for a pardon.

Bare Stearns
Bear Stearns shares are in freefall after the brokerage basically ran out of cash. This is what happens when you give all your executives expense accounts at the Emperor's Club.



Iran Elections
Turnout is reportedly "mixed" in today's elections in Iran. Iranians are split right down the middle with half of the population showing up to vote for the current government, and the other half too busy getting tortured and executed.



Big Changes
Now that David Paterson is about to become the new governor of New York, a lot of changes are on the way. Top aides to Eliot Spitzer are getting new jobs, state legislators are changing their budget requests, and the Emperor's Club is now using very large type on its website.



Weak Dollar
The dollar continues to hit new lows against the euro in currency trading. It's getting so bad, Emperor's Club members are now being asked to pay in oil or gold.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday



Economic Speeches
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, and even President Bush have been speaking out almost daily about the housing slump, rising oil prices, and the credit crunch. Apparently, the administration's strategy is to bore this recession to death.




"Kristin's" Story
The 22-year-old woman who worked as Eliot Spitzer's "escort" says she came to New York to launch a singing career. Luckily, she was able to keep her dignity by becoming a prostitute instead of getting into the music business.



Bush Tax Cuts
Senate Democrats have agreed to extend President Bush's upper class tax cuts, but only for some members of the upper class... the ones who donate money to senate Democrats.



Crystal Strikes Out
Billy Crystal struck out in his one plate appearance for the Yankees today in a spring training game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. He was immediately signed to a 10-year contract by the Pittsburgh Pirates.



Chrysler "Hiatus"
Chrysler is shutting down all of its factories for two weeks in July. The deeply-in-debt automaker will use the time off to try to hide from the repo man.

This forced vacation is all part of the new Chrysler corporate moto: "If you can't do it right, don't do it at all."

New Governor
David Paterson, the man who will replace Eliot Spitzer as the Governor of New York, is legally blind... which at least means he doesn't need to use the most expensive hookers.


Spitzer Going?
A report says Eliot Spitzer is set to resign at about 9am today. His resignation speech will beging with the line: "Four scores and seven ho's ago..."

Spitzer has been delaying his resignation so he can keep his law license... which he'll need because no one is going to represent him in the divorce case.

Spitzer had been a superdelegate pledged to Hillary Clinton... is she knew he was going to act this way, she would have just married him.


Ferraro's Complaint
Former Congresswoman Geraldine Ferraro says that every time she or Hillary Clinton criticizes Barack Obama, they're accused of being racist. By being called racists every time they talk, they're finally learning what it's like to be a Republican.



Drug Sales Slowing
Sales of prescription drugs in the United States grew just 3.8% in 2007, marking the lowest growth rate since 1961... of course, who needs to pay for prescription drugs when you can get it free in the tap water?



Teen Sex Study
A new study says one in four teenaged girls in the United Sates has been infected with at least one sexually transmitted disease... the other three out of four have never met Eliot Spitzer.

Spitzer Still Here
Eliot Spitzer has not yet resigned as governor of New York, despite being linked to a prostitution ring. He's reluctant to admit he used the escort service until he can resolve some disputed charges on his credit card.

Spitzer reportedly never wanted to use a condom with the prostitutes, citing "executive privilege."

The news media is camped out in front of Spitzer's 5th Avenue apartment building. Spitzer has not left the building yet, but his best suits and electronic equipment have been thrown in a heap directly below his bedroom window.



Fed Moves
The Federal Reserve is lending $200 billion to banks all over the world in an effort to stabilize stock markets, ease the mortgage crisis, and give bank CEOs a chance to pay off their outstanding bills at the Emperors Club.



Airman Found
The U.S. military has identified the frozen body of a World War II airman who vanished more than half a century ago in California. They considered unfreezing him to see if he would come back to life, but then realized that seeing what California is like now would probably kill him for good.



Stealth Retirement
All of the original Stealth Bombers are being taken out of commission by the U.S. Airforce. They will now only be used by politicians shuttling back and forth to meetings with prostitutes.



Obama Says "No"
Barack Obama is beating back any notion of giving up his presidential bid to be Hillary Rodham Clinton's running mate. Obama may want to rethink that position, since being Hillary's partner means you can cheat any time you want.



MLB Going Green
Major League Baseball has announced sweeping new recycling initiatives. Ball parks will cut down on garbage, teams will travel in hyrbid vehicles, and Roger Clemens is going to recycle all of his needles.

Spitzer Shocker
It looks like New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is admitting he was a frequent customer of a prostitution ring. His political career is over... unless he marries Hillary Clinton.

Spitzer says he will make another public statement only after he "regains the trust of his wife"... so when he does speak, it will be with a much higher-pitched voice.


Tainted Water
A vast array of pharmaceuticals -- including anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers and sex hormones -- have been found in the drinking water supplies in hundreds of American cities. Well, that explains the last five presidential election results.

... Finally, some good news for Americans who can't afford prescription medication!



McDonald's Sales
Sales at McDonald’s soared by 12% last month. The franchise has been able to get a better handle on profits ever since the Hamburgler was finally arrested last year.



Mail-In Vote
Political leaders are debating the idea of using a mail-in ballot to resolve the Florida and Michigan re-vote issue. By relying on the U.S. Postal Service, the Democrats can expect to have their nominee clarified sometime in early 2015.



Economic Domino Effect
Studies show the housing downturn is starting to hurt sales of TV’s… not because people can’t afford them anymore, but because people are sick of hearing about the housing downturn every time they turn on the TV.

Michigan and Florida Re-Vote?
The Democratic party is considering holding re-votes for the Michigan and Florida primaries. Michigan Democrats favor the idea because they want a hand in choosing the presidential nominee... and Florida Democrats favor the idea because they're so old they forgot that they already voted.



Obama Wins
Barack Obama easily won the Wyoming Democratic caucuses Saturday. Of course tthere are three Democrats in Wyoming, and two of them are cows.



Box Office Results
10,000 B.C. was the number one film at the box office this weekend, as it roped in thousands of Americans who naturally assumed the film about primitive humans was a Martin Lawrence movie.



West Bank Construction
Israel announced plans Sunday to build hundreds of homes in the West Bank and disputed east Jerusalem, infuriating Palestinian groups who claim the new homes infringe on their land, their rights, and do nothing to stop plummeting real estate prices either.

CEO Hearings
A House committee looking into outrageous CEO pay packages brought several controversial CEOs to Washington for hearings today. But the hearings lost some of their potential importance when each and every Congressmen began the questioning by asking the CEOs for campaign contributions and rides on their private jets.


After expressing their outrage over the super-high CEO pay packages, the committee members all returned to the House floor where they immediately voted themselves a pay raise.



Peace Talks Still Alive
Despite yesterday’s mass murder by Hamas at a Jerusalem yeshiva, Israel is vowing to push ahead with peace talks, “so as not to punish moderate Palestinians.” And that’s really good news for all three of the world’s moderate Palestinians.



White House on Jobs
President Bush is expressing "serious concern" about the surprisingly weak jobs report released Friday morning. That's because he's going to be out of work in less than 10 months and he's still not qualified to do anything.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday


Times Square Bomb
A small bomb has damaged the military recruitment center in New York's Times Square... severely hindering the armed forces' ability to continue signing up hookers, drunks and homeless people.

Witnesses say they saw a man on a bike throw a something at the building that exploded... which means it could have been a bomb, or something he bought from the hot dog vendor on 43rd Street.

The Department of Homeland Security says there is no sign of an immediate threat to the country because of the incident, but the entire cast and crew of "Mama Mia" is reportedly too scared to come in to work today.


Hillary’s Experience
Hillary Clinton is continuing to tout her national security credentials. She says she’s an expert on domestic threats… she ought to be, she’s been married to her biggest domestic threat for 32 years.


Postal Spying
The U.S. Postal Service has agreed to help law enforcement check the mail sent to suspected terrorists and other criminals. So far, the FBI and the CIA have learned that the nation's alleged killers and bombers receive about 136 credit card solicitations per week.


Britney's Money
A California court has ruled that Britney Spears' father will retain control of his daughter's finances and estate for another five months... meaning the current recession for American drug companies will continue for at least another five months.

Hillary’s Back!
Hillary Clinton has scored a surprising comeback with wins in the Ohio and Texas primaries. Experts say Barack Obama made a classic rookie error when he forgot to drive the wooden stake into Clinton’s heart when he had the chance.


BBC Arabic
The BBC is launching an Arabic-language worldwide TV news channel. The biggest challenge will be trying to make this channel more anti-Israel than the English-language BBC.


Peace Talks Back On
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas says he will resume peace talks with Israel. He backed off a threat to boycott negotiations when he realized doing that might interfere with his monthly clothing allowance from the State Department.



Working Slower
The Labor Department says the productivity of U.S. workers slowed sharply in the final three months of last year as the national economy lost momentum, and more Americans skipped work so they could avoid those calls from the credit card companies.



Huckabee Out
Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee bowed to "the inevitable" and dropped out of the Republican presidential race last night. He finally realized that he would never get the GOP nomination and had an even slimmer chance of grabbing the "crazy vote" from Ralph Nader and Ron Paul.

Citi Woes
Citigroup is dealing with bigger and bigger losses by the day. Things are so bad; I used one of its ATM’s last night and instead of cash, it gave me its resume.

I tried to make a withdrawal at a Citibank ATM last night and instead of giving me cash, it asked me for a loan.



Peace Efforts
U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has sent a letter to the Israeli government, demanding that it resume peace talks with the Palestinians. But the message lost some of its urgency when it was destroyed by a Hamas rocket before it reached the Knesset.

Rice says Israel should make "a very strong effort to spare innocent life" in Gaza. Israel is responding by asking Hamas very, very nicley to please stop shooting rockets and hiding out in civilian areas.

Rice is also demanding that the Palestinians stop harming innocent civilians. The Palestinians have responded by asking her what the words “innocent” and “civilian” mean.

Egyptian foreign minister Aboul Gheit is accusing Israel of responding too harshly to Hamas rocket attacks that often only kill one or two Israelis. Israel has agreed with Gheit, and has promised that after the next deadly Hamas rocket attack, it will only kill him.


Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said 20 Arab children were killed in Gaza during Israel's five-day assault last week... and if the Israelis invade again, Abbas won't hesitate to go back and kill 20 more.




Momnesia
A new study shows that having a baby sometimes leads to memory lapses in women. Apparently, all the late-night feedings and diaper changes can cause a mom to forget how to sleep.



Cash Pile
A new report shows the nation’s leading companies are now holding $600 billion in cash, up from about $203 billion in 1998. With oil prices so high, the corporations are finding it more cost effective to burn their excess dollars for fuel.



Unique Discovery
Marine experts have discovered a rare six-legged octopus. It was actually born with eight legs, but lost two in order to pay higher mortgage and gas bills.



Detroit Mayor Vote
The Detroit City Council plans to vote on a resolution that would ask embattled Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick to step down. The council plans to inform Kilpatrick by text-messaging him at his mistress' house.

Russian Election
Dmitry Medvedev has won the Russian presidential election with 70% of the vote. In a related story, 30% of the Russian population is about to be executed.



Asleep at Work
A new survey shows that a third of American workers are getting some sleep while at work. The other two-thirds are stuck on hold waiting for the workers on the other end of the phone to wake up.



Latin American Moves
Venezuela and Ecuador are massing troops at the Colombian border. It’s the biggest threat to the cocaine trade since Robert Downey Jr. went to jail.



Vioxx Settlement
Drug-maker Merck says more than 44,000 people have signed up for part of a $4.85 billion Vioxx settlement. But with a name like Vioxx, it turns out that about 25,000of those people thought they were signing up for free porn.

Palestinian Protests
Thousands of Palestinians are protesting against Israel's killing of several teenage militants. They're outraged that Israel had the audacity to kill them before they could blow themselves up.

The renewed violence is dashing the White House's hopes for peace talks... now the only other idea the Bush administration has is to give all the Israelis and Palestinians $600 tax rebate checks.

Europe's leaders are denouncing Israel's military action in response to dozens of deadly rocket attacks by Hamas. Europeans just can't help but miss those days when you could kill lots of Jews and they never said anything.


Rice Reaction
U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice is reportedly so distraught by the renewed fighting that she's actually thinking of going to the dentist.


Jack Likes Hillary
Jack Nicholson has endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. He figures Hillary in the White House would finally be someone scarier than he is.


Huckabee Endorsement
The Dallas Morning News has endoresed Mike Huckabee for the Republican nomination... and keeping with that theme, the paper is also picking the Patriots to beat the Giants to win the Super Bowl.



China Policy
China is thinking of changing its one child policy; it turns out a better way to reduce the Chinese population is to just give every family a bunch of locally-made toys.