NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com with TWO jokes! Here's the link: Newsday
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
A huge explosion has shut down a major oil pipeline from Canada to the United States. Millions of tearful Americans are already mourning the lost oil at churches and synagogues across the country.
The pipeline explosion has claimed 302 lives; that's two pipeline workers who were on the scene, and the 300 gas station owners across the country who fell off of ladders as they rushed to raise prices before the morning rush.
The Republican candidates sparred bitterly over abortion during last night's debate as they each claimed to be the most "pro-life." Most of the candidates did so by promising to try to overturn Roe v. Wade, but Rudy Giuliani improvised by impregnating three women in the audience.
The Broadway strike is over as stagehands and producers made a deal late last night. So from now on, anyone you see singing and dancing on the streets outside the theater is actually a crazy person.
Stagehands include carpenters, electricians, lighting technicians and the 10-15 guys it takes to clean off Rosie O'Donnel's chair after every performance.
New sales figures show that the Apple iPhone is not selling as well in Europe as it is in the United States... mostly because no one wants to talk to Europeans.
Because of the writers strike, CBS has cancelled the televised Democratic presidential debate scheduled for December 10th. As a result, Americans have never been more pro-union than they are right now.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
In an emotional speech, Pakistani President Gen. Pervez Musharraf today stepped down from his position as army chief. He teared up as he realized that from now on, when he wants to kill someone he'll have order someone else to do it.
Musharraf Speech II
In an emotional speech, Pakistani President Gen. Pervez Musharraf today stepped down from his position as army chief. And that's understandable... where else in Pakistan is he going to find such colorful outfits?
Bush Aide Quits
President Bush's top political adviser, Al Hubbard, is resigning today. Hubbard wants to spend more time with his family... as soon as he can afford the gas to get home in the first place.
An analysis of political donations shows that more than 160 dead people have given more than $540,000 to candidates for the White House and Congress over the past eight years. It's actually easier for dead people to donate... they don't have to worry about the consequences.
FINALLY, something that explains the Ron Paul campaign!
Red Cross CEO Canned
The American Red Cross is dismissing CEO Mark W. Everson, citing his "personal relationship with a woman who wasn't his wife"... which wouldn't have been such a problem for the Red Cross if that woman hadn't been a vampire.
FCC Bid Fails
The FCC Chairman's bid to bring more regulation to the cable industry failed miserably yesterday as most of his fellow board members rejected the idea. They would have gone along with the idea, but they were too busy begging their cable companies to give them the NFL Network.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Even though a peace agreement is a long way away, Israeli and Palestinian leaders did come to terms on a number of issues in Annapolis today. They've agreed on a special statement on the peace conference's goals, timetables for further talks, and the fact that A-Rod is overpaid.
Washington Redskins safety Sean Taylor has died a day after he was shot and wounded in his Miami home. Police say the intruders became violent when they found out Taylor couldn't get the NFL Network either.
This is what happens when NFL players don't use their spare time to do things more constructive... like dog fighting.
Doctors had to use a powerful electrical shock to correct Vice President Dick Cheney's irregular heartbeat yesterday. But the doctors got an even bigger shock when they found that Cheney actually had a heart.
Cheney's Heart II
Doctors had to use electric shock to correct Vice President Dick Cheney's irregular heartbeat yesterday. Well, at least now he knows what it's like to be at Gitmo.
Teacher in Trouble
A British schoolteacher is in jail in Sudan and could face 40 lashes and six months in prison after letting her students name a teddy bear "Mohammed." Although it's not clear whether she's being punished for insulting the name of the prophet or giving the kids a toy that doesn't explode.
Her lawyer says the teacher "would never have done anything deliberately to insult the Muslim faith"... you know, other than being born a woman.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Britney Spears is looking to adopt a baby from China. But in an embarassing moment, she asked the agency to send her a kid with "no MSG."
Senator Trent Lott is expected to announce his resignation today. Insiders believe this has something to do with the rising cost of men's hairspray.
Grace's Good News
Nancy Grace's premature twins are finally out of the hospital... but she's actually much happier about the arrests in the Natalee Hollway case.
Pakistani President Gen. Pervez Musharraf will indeed quit as head of the army and take the oath of office for a third term later this week. This is a bad move; ditching the army is how you become President of the United States not Pakistan!
Thompson Tax Plan
Republican presidential hopeful Fred Thompson is proposing an income tax plan that would allow Americans to choose a simplified system with only two rates: 10% and 25%. Of course, the current 0% rate for major campaign donors will remain in effect regardless.
A series of "safe sex" seminars are being offered across the country for people over 50. Attendees get a kit including 1 condom, 2 tablets of Viagra, and 6 tubs of Ben-Gay.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Arabs Join In
Several Arab countries will be attending the Israeli-Palestinian peace talks in Annapolis this week to help bolster Palestinian confidence. And joining the talks to help bolster the Israelis will be three Jewish cardiologists and an accountant named "Murray."
Representatives from Syria, Saudi Arabia, Yemen and Sudan will be at the peace conference... so the world can be reminded of how great it is for everyone when Arabs get their own states.
The Israelis are reportedly ready to again offer the Palestinians their own state and even parts of Jerusalem. The Arab countries are reportedly willing to stop killing Jews on alternate Tuesdays.
America is gearing up for the online shopping event known as "Cyber Monday." That's when millions of us save time and money by buying pants that don't fit us.
Nearly 75% of online retailers will offer special promotions on this "Cyber Monday." The other 25% are offering dancing kitten screen savers.
Black Friday Numbers
Initial reports show that the traditional "Black Friday" sales far exceeded expectations, finally putting to rest worries that wiser American consumers might threaten Chinese jobs.
The higher Black Friday sales numbers are being attributed to "pent up" consumer demand for electronics, winter apparel, and toys that won't actually kill you.
The higher Black Friday sales numbers are being attributed to "pent up" consumer demand for electronics, toys, and something else to do with their lives other than line up in front of a big box store at 3am.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Media mogul Barry Diller said today his Internet conglomerate will invest $100 million to expand in China. That's $10 million to build the system, and $90 million to help the Chinese government track down everyone who's going to use it.
Black Friday Crowds
Huge crowds jammed malls and big box stores early today. It's not clear if the lines were filled by shoppers or foreclosed Americans looking to get out of the cold.
More than 150 people have abandoned a sinking cruise liner that collided with an iceberg in Antarctic waters last night. Rescuers are trying to save the other 300 passengers, but it's proving extremely difficult to tear them away from the breakfast buffet.
Ship Sinking II
More than 150 people have abandoned a sinking cruise liner that collided with an iceberg in Antarctic waters last night.Of course, the passengers shouldn't have boarded a ship with Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in the first place.
Not only is the ship sinking, but James Cameron and the producers of Titanic are already suing the cruise line for plagiarism.
Dozens of government delegates and U.N. representatives began two days of discussions today on improving bathroom facilities for the 2.6 billion people worldwide who lack access to proper restrooms... and the 300 million Americans who just want to stay away from Larry Craig.
Hmm... a summit about toilets. I think that meeting takes place at my daughter's pre-school every day.
A new study says screening tests may miss prostate cancer in obese patients... not because of any diagnostic errors, it's just because no one can really find a fat man's penis.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
In the 24 hours since President Bush pardoned Thanksgiving turkeys "May", and "Flower", police say the birds have gone on a six-state crime spree. Anyone who sees the turkeys is asked not to try to apprehend them, but you should keep a serving of cranberry sauce at the ready just in case.
Organizers are hailing this year's Rockefeller Christmas tree as "enviro-friendly" because it's being decorated with energy efficient lights... that's kind of like being proud that you harpooned a whale from a solar-powered boat.
The plastic surgeon who operated on hip-hop star Kanye West's mother the day before she died walked off the set of CNN's "Larry King Live" last night... mostly because Larry kept calling him "Ringo."
Walking Off II
The plastic surgeon who operated on hip-hop star Kanye West's mother the day before she died walked off the set of CNN's "Larry King Live" last night. He just couldn't miss the latest episode of "Nip/Tuck."
The number of American couples being allowed to adopt Chinese babies is dropping sharply. The Chinese government needs those kids for lead-paint product testing.
Sex in SF
San Francisco supervisors voted down a measure that would have prohibited city managers from "engaging in romantic or sexual relationships" with employees. They also voted down a law that would have prohibited city managers from continuing to engage in wishful thinking.
Musharraf Standing Down
Pakistani President Gen. Pervez Musharraf could quit the army as early as Saturday. It was either that, or keep living with that "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" thing.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Pakistani Prisoners Released
More than 3,000 people jailed under emergency rule in Pakistan have been released. The move was made after the U.S. pressured President Pervez Musharraf to do whatever he could to reduce the holiday taxi shortage in New York.
Congress is taking aim at rising college costs with bills aimed at freezing tuitions, dorm fees, and making beer tax deductible.
Federal regulators have fined Delta Air Lines $115,000 for failing to respond to customer requests for on-time arrival data of its flights. But Delta insists it was unable to provide on-time arrival data because none of their flights arrived on-time.
A 102-year-old British woman will pose nude for charity. Unless the charity is dedicated to stamping out overeating, I'm not sure this is a good idea.
Broadway Strike Continues
The stagehands strike is keeping Broadway theaters closed for another week at least. To make up for it, Mayor Bloomberg is asking all cab drivers, subway token clerks, and traffic cops to spontaneously sing and dance as much as possible.
The U.S. military says it has "convincing and irrefutable" evidence that an award-winning Associated Press photographer is connected to the insurgency in Iraq. Investigators became suspicious of the man when he showed no interest in taking pictures of Lindsay Lohan.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Vick Behind Bars
Michael Vick turned himself in to federal authorities in Virginia today. He is expected to stay in prison for at least a year... or until someone figures out how to beat the Patriots, whichever comes first.
No Pardon Yet
The White House has yet to carry out the traditional "pardoning" of the Thanksgiving turkey. The turkey is apparently having trouble paying its legal bills.
The turkey is scheduled to be waterboarded until it gives up all it knows about bird flu.
The good news is the turkey will eventually be pardoned. The bad news is it will now be forced to live the rest of its life at Gitmo.
Insurance Companies Snagged
The nation's insurance companies are reportedly suffering huge losses in the subprime mortgage mess. Finally, some good news is coming out of all of this!
A new report says that broadband internet service will become as slow as dial-up by 2010. The porn industry is responding by hiring more elderly stars.
"Freak Dance" Ban
More high schools are banning the super-sexy "freak dancing" at proms and other events. It's not that they don't approve, it's just that they're all running out of the free condoms and birth control pills they've been handing out for years.
A new survey shows that more women aged 55 and older are having sex than in the past. But that may be because in the past, 55-year-old women didn't answer questions about their sex lives.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
O.J. Simpson will stand trial for his Las Vegas hotel room break-in. But the trial date is being delayed to accommodate the striking late-night comedy writers.
A British court ruled today that radical Muslim cleric Abu Hamza al-Masri can be extradited to the United States... which is good because if he stayed in Britain, he'd probably be elected Prime Minister.
A-Rod Comes Back
Alex Rodriguez has defied his own agent and will sign a new $275 million, 10-year deal with the Yankees... ensuring the Yankees will not win the World Series for another 10 years.
The Democratic presidential candidates are debating tonight in Las Vegas... the audience will be made up of tourists who couldn't get Celine Dion tickets.
The candidates are expected to address several issues during the Las Vegas debate, including terrorism, the economy, and whether or not you should hit on 16.
LAPD Terror Plan Shelved
An LAPD counterterrorism plan to map out local areas which might be likely to become isolated and susceptible to "violent, ideologically-based extremism" has been shelved. It turns out all the cops already knew where Hollywood is.
Chinese Product of the Day
Used condoms are being recycled and made into hair ties and rubber bands in China... don't even ask what they're putting into hair gel.
... somehow lead poisoning doesn't sound so bad anymore.