New Year's TV
Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest will host the "New Year's Rocking Eve" show on ABC tonight. It's not exactly an original concept; ABC got the idea of pairing a nearly-dead man with a mindless idiot from the Bush-Cheney ticket.

Times Square Celebration
Jazz great Winton Marsalis will be the honored guest in New York's Times Square on New Year's Eve. But experts say former FEMA director Mike Brown would be a better choice, because he did such a good job dropping the ball in New Orleans.

Egypt Violence
Thousands of Sudanese refugees rioted and trampled one another in Egypt this morning. It's not clear whether the stampede was caused by political unrest or the door-buster sale at the Cairo Wal-Mart.

GM & Ford
After suffering through a miserable 2005, both GM and Ford are hoping to turn things around next year. The first thing they're going to do is drastically increase the value of their assets by filling all their cars up with gas.

Al Qaeda in Israel
Al Qaeda in Iraq is claiming responsibility for Tuesday's rocket attacks from Gaza into Israel. It's not clear if al Qaeda is trying to expand its scope, or if it was just filling in for Palestinian terrorists who were on vacation.

Barbie's Boss
The president of Mattel's Barbie doll division has been fired, but he was also given a $7 million severance package. Mattel says it had to be generous with him because during his time on the job he became addicted six-foot-tall women with huge breasts.

New Drug
Researchers have come up with a new drug that can curb cravings for alcohol, but it works much better for men than it does for women. That's because geeky drug researchers realize that drunk women are the only women who'll talk to them.

Diebold Dead
Computer business visionary John Diebold has died at the age of 79. In his will he gives $10 million to his children, $5 million to charity, and one million suspicious votes in Ohio and Florida to Republican candidates for president.

Iraq Gas
Gas prices in Iraq are up a whopping 1,300% since the summer. It's getting so bad, all the suicide bombers are car-pooling to their attacks.

Gaza Strike
Israel launched a series of missile strikes into the Gaza Strip this week. Experts say Palestinians can expect this kind of bombardment as long as Ariel Sharon is on his diet.

Toronto Shooting
After a shooting at a Toronto shopping center, Canadian politicians are blaming the U.S. for "exporting gun violence to Canada." That may be true, but it's the only thing we can import into Canada without paying a big tariff.

Top 5 New York City Transit Worker Concessions in the New MTA Deal

5) Token booth clerks will now only nap at their posts for 3 hours per shift

4) Subway conductors will now make unintelligible announcements in English and Spanish

3) Bus drivers will try to hit top speeds of 12 MPH on weekdays

2) Workers will begin contributing to their health care costs while continuing to add to commuters health care needs

1) Subway cleaners will now use actual mops, brooms, and cleanser

Katrina Scammers
49 scammers have been indicted in a scam to pocket up to $400,000 of Hurricane Katrina Red Cross relief funds. The only people who tried to take more advantage of the storm were the Democrats.

Cell Phone Swallow
A Missouri man has been charged with forcing a cell phone down his ex-girlfriend's throat during an argument. The man may serve jail time, but after he gets out he can expect several job offers from all the major U.S. ad agencies.

After Christmas Rush
Millions of shoppers across America are flocking back to the malls today in hopes of returning unwanted gifts, finding bigger bargains, and trampling the people who got away on the day after Thanksgiving.

After Christmas Rush II
Millions of shoppers across America are flocked back to the malls today. Most chose to go to the bigger stores in hopes of slipping away from annoying relatives visiting for the holidays.

Holiday Box Office
Christian movie-goers continue to choose "The Chronicle of Narnia" over "King Kong" at the box office. Not because of any Christian messages in "Narnia," but because they're not sure if a story of a giant ape who falls for a human woman is pro or anti-evolution

Sharon Surgery
Israeli doctors say Ariel Sharon needs surgery to repair a hole in his heart. Palestinian groups are protesting the announcement, because they say it refutes their claim that Sharon has no heart.

Anna Nicole's Helpers
Bush administration lawyers are joining Anna Nicole Smith's Supreme Court fight to get her late husband's fortune. If there's one thing this White House will always stand up for, it's the rights of drunk and dim-witted Texans grabbing for things they don't deserve.

MICHIGAN RADIO ALERT!! People in the Battle Creek area can catch me on Super Rock 104.9 this morning at 7:50AM!! I'll be doing a special "Week in Review" with DJ Bobby Guy. Check it out!

Big Night
Santa Claus is just about ready to start his big trip; he just wants to make sure who's been naughty or nice by taking one last look at the transcripts of his illegal domestic wiretaps.

Snoopers Helpers
The New York Times reports that employees at two American telephone companies aided the Bush administration in its controversial domestic phone tap program. Geez, for such a sensitive job you'd think they would have gotten somebody who knows what they're doing.

Hybrid Credit
The good news is if you buy a hybrid car next year, you'll be eligible for a big federal tax credit. The bad news is your obvious hatred of the oil companies will be grounds for the Bush administration to tap your phone.

Smith's Birthday
Mormon Church founder Joseph Smith was born 200 years ago Friday. That was also the last time somebody thought moving to Utah was a good idea.

EDITORIAL ALERT! I have a full-length humorous editorial about the transit strike in today's Newsday and Newsday.com. Here's the link to the online edition: NEWSDAY

Santa's Preps
Old Saint Nick is getting ready for the big night. But first, he needs to pack the gifts, check his list, and make sure the reindeer are happy with their new pension and healthcare plan.

Back to Normal?
It took a little longer for the subways to get up and running this morning. All the transit workers showed up on time, but they had to wrestle the trains away from the rats.

STRIKE IS OVER!... for now

Back to Work?
The Transit Workers Union has announced it will return to work, but no timetable has been announced for resumption of service... which is kind of like what it's like every day for people who take the D train.

Back to Work? II
The good news is that transit workers are now going back to work. The bad news is the city's cabs and commuter vans are charging them $3,500 each to get there.

Come Back and Shop
Now that the transit strike is over, Mayor Michael Bloomberg is urging people to come back to New York and do some last-minute Christmas shopping. Bloomberg himself says he's going out right now to buy a gun to shoot Roger Toussaint.

Transit Strike: Day 3

Biking to Work
I took the Mayor's advice and took my bike to work today. But man, lugging that stationary bike all the way from Long Island was tough!

Drilling Denied
The Senate has voted to block oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Opponents say it would have endangered the environment... and the polar bears kept demanding 50% of the profits.

Canadian Sex Ruling
The Canadian Supreme Court has lifted a ban on ‘swingers’ clubs, saying group sex is not a threat to decent society. It is however a threat to decent hygiene.

Canadian Sex Ruling II
The Canadian Supreme Court has lifted a ban on ‘swingers’ clubs. The judges agreed that at these gas prices, group sex might be the only affordable way to keep warm this winter.

Katrina Not Category 4
A new study shows that Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast as a Category 3 storm, meaning New Orleans was spared storm's worst fury. Actually, the worst was reserved for Michael Brown and the Bush administration.

Pirro Poops Out
Westchester District Attorney Jeanine Pirro has ended her bid to unseat U.S. Senator Hillary Clinton. Apparently, the rigors of a statewide campaign were getting in the way of her twice-daily collagen injections.

TRANSIT STRIKE: DAY 2

Still Suffering
After two days of a transit strike, New Yorkers continue to deal with horrific traffic, crowded conditions, and inept municipal leaders. Well, at least now we know what it's like to live in Paris.

Union Sympathy
Union leader Roger Toussaint says New Yorkers should sympathize with the TWU's struggle to keep its pension benefits. The only problem is that most New Yorkers don't know what a pension is.

Top 5 Transit Strike Survival Tips

5) When stuck behind slow-walking pedestrians, walk up right behind them and yell "BEEP!!"

4) Lure the required 3 passengers into your car with signs promising coffee, bagels, and absolutely no Ashlee Simpson on the radio!

3) While waiting on the one-hour lines at Penn Station, pass the time by imagining what it would be like if you had free healthcare

2) Walk into Macy's and see if they have any leftover floats from the Thanksgiving parade you can ride on

1) If you need help, ask an MTA official or a TWU member... and then punch them very hard in the face

Toussaint's Tirade
TWU chief Roger Toussaint compared the transit workers' struggle to what Rosa Parks faced in Alabama 50 years ago. Well, Rosa may have been forced to the back of the bus, but at least the damn thing was running!

Toussaint's Tirade II
TWU chief Roger Toussaint says trying to preserve the union's current pension deal for future transit workers is "protecting the unborn." As soon as they heard that, thousands of anti-abortion whackos joined the picket line.

Fines Adding Up
A state Supreme Court Justice has found the Transit Union in contempt of court and is prepared to levy fines of up to $1 million a day. And in a move to gain further public support against the strike, the judge ruled that the daily fines would be added to this Saturday's Lotto jackpot.

Judge Threatens Jail
A state Supreme Court Justice says he may throw transit union leaders in jail for authorizing the strike. But if he wants to put them in a confining and dangerous place, he can just send them to Penn Station at about 5:30 p.m.

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY I WAS REWARDED WITH A LOVELY TRANSIT STRIKE HERE IN NYC!!

BUT I DO HAVE PRESENT FOR YOU... MY NYC TRANSIT STRIKE SPECIAL EDITION!! KEEP LOGGING ON SEVERAL TIMES TODAY FOR FREQUENT UPDATES

Top 5 Good Things About the NYC Transit Strike

5) No need to wash whatever that was on the subway pole off your hands when you finally get to work.

4) With the conductors on strike, the only person still making public announcements you can't understand is President Bush

3) At least it's getting people to stop talking about the damn "war on Christmas!"

2) Suddenly, being a guy with a minivan doesn't seem so wimpy after all

1) Now you start your work day with something else other than the smell of urine!

Walk On!
Millions of New Yorkers are responding to the strike by walking or biking to work. It's a scene we'll see again next year when gas goes over $4 a gallon.

Transit Strike On
The bad news is all the city's subways and buses aren't running because of a strike. The good news is most people who had to walk actually got to work earlier than usual.

Bloomberg Walks
Mayor Bloomberg is trying to rally commuters by walking with them on their way to work. But most New Yorkers would really just rather he buy them a car.

Where's George?
New York Governor George Pataki is still refusing to join the negotiations to end the transit strike. But with the talks going around the clock, it's probably better to keep all the sleep aids out of the room.

International Reaction
Today, members of al Qaeda say they've finally found the way to achieve their goal of destroying New York's economy... they're joining the Transit Union.

Strike Fines
The city is looking to impose fines and even jail the subway and bus workers who have gone on strike. Of course, if they really want to punish the strikers, they should just make them ride the subways and buses.

Strike SNAFU
Thousands of transit workers were ready to report to the picket lines today... until they realized that without the subways and buses running, they had no way to get to them.

Strike Swath
The strike includes all bus drivers, subway conductors, subway cleaners... wait, there are subway cleaners?

And in Other News...

Cheney Defends W
Vice President Cheney said today that President Bush absolutely has the right to approve domestic wiretaps. And Cheney insisted that the President also has the right to do whatever else he tells him to.

Google-AOL Deal
Google has agreed to buy a 5% stake in AOL for $1 billion. So I guess the 95% of AOL Google didn't buy must be worth 85 cents.

Bush on Wire Taps
President Bush now says he authorized domestic wiretaps without a warrant in order to save American lives as fast as possible. Obviously, he didn't tap anybody's phones in New Orleans.

Afghan Parliament
Afghanistan has inaugurated its first elected parliament in 30 years. Of course, the U.S. congress hasn't done any work in 30 years either.

TV Switch
House lawmakers have approved a bill calling for the complete transition to all-digital television broadcasts by 2009 and $1.5 billion in funding to help consumers with older TV's make the switch. This is truly the kind of democracy our boys in Iraq are fighting for.

Iran Bans Music
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has banned Western music including George Michael and Kenny G CD's from Iran's radio and TV stations. Suddenly, he doesn't seem so bad.

Roswell Death
Army Lt. Walter Haut, who issued the news release in 1947 that said a flying saucer landed in Roswell, New Mexico, has died at age 83. Now if people want to read the work of bogus reporters they'll just have to buy the New York Times.

ABC Case
An employment tribunal has ruled that ABC News unfairly dismissed one of its free-lance correspondents because he refused to go to Iraq. ABC insisted it needed part-time reporters to go to Baghdad because all their full-time journalists were too covering Martha Stewart, Jessica Simpson and the runaway bride.

Sharon Stroke
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has suffered a mild stroke. Hamas, Benjamin Netanyahu, and the chef at the King David Hotel are all claiming responsibility.

King Kong Bomb?
"King Kong" was #1 at the box office this weekend, but its overall take was much less than expected. That's because when fans heard it was a film about an overgrown ape terrorizing New York City, they just figured it was another Russell Crowe movie.

Secret Snooping
Senate leaders are up in arms over news that the President authorized the National Security Administration to tap the phones of American citizens to boost anti-terror intelligence. But hey, anything Bush does to boost his intelligence is something we should really encourage.

Top 5 Suspicious Things that will Make the NSA Tap Your Phone

5) Subversive acts, like using your phone to ask where the Hell FEMA is already!

4) Telling your broker to sell Halliburton short

3) Calling friends overseas and saying frightening things like: "The new Lindsay Lohan album is really great!"

2) Using moviefone to buy tickets for "Brokeback Mountain"

1) Ordering take-out falafel more than 3 times a month

Bush on Elections
President Bush says the Iraqis who voted in this week's election show great optimism about the future. That's true, because they obviously believe they're going to start getting running water in time to wash that purple die off their fingers.

Staying the Course
President Bush says pulling out of Iraq now would send a message to the world that America abandons its friends. Whereas staying in Iraq and re-electing Bush to office last year sends the much better message that we like to stick with our failures.

Staying the Course II
President Bush keeps reminding Americans that we must "stay the course." Of course to his biggest Republican backers, "staying the course" means playing another nine holes before lunch.

Cheney's Visit
Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq Sunday. Really, isn't our troops' morale low enough already?

Cheney's Visit II
Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq Sunday. Although it wasn't clear if he was there to check on our troops or his holdings in Halliburton.

Bolivian Election
Evo Morales, the man who describes himself as "Washington's Nightmare," is leading in the Bolivian presidential elections. Usually, the only way a Bolivian can become a nightmare to people in the U.S. is if he demands more than minimum wage.

Tiki's Big Day
N.Y. Giants running back Tiki Barber ran for a team record 220 yards in the team's 27-17 win on Saturday. Barber's huge ground gains are serving as inspiration to millions of New Yorkers who will have to walk to work this week if there's a transit strike.

Tsunami Recovery
Asian women who lost children in the Tsunami last year are rushing to conceive again in hopes of replacing a "lost generation"... so THAT's why President Clinton is still making all those trips over there!

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

MICHIGAN RADIO ALERT!! People in the Battle Creek area can catch me on Super Rock 104.9 Saturday (tomorrow) morning at 7:50AM!! I'll be doing a special "Week in Review" with DJ Bobby Guy. Check it out!

Illiteracy Study
A new study shows that about 11 million Americans are unable to read well enough to function properly in society. However, those people are apparently able to vote Republican and watch FOX News.

Strike Fallout
If there is a New York City subway strike, millions of workers will have to find another way to get to work, children will have to find another way to get to class, and homeless people will need to find another place to urinate.

Iraqi Turnout
Experts say the high turnout in the Iraqi elections is remarkable considering the bulked-up security, border closings, and the fact that there were no negative campaign ads on TV.

Torture Deal
The White House has finally agreed to Senator John McCain's bill banning torture. Between this deal and the leaking of agents' names to the press, the Bush administration is taking all the fun out of working at the CIA.

Bush Cheerleading
President Bush says he's confident that former House majority leader Tom DeLay is innocent of money-laundering charges, and he's offering strong support for several other top Republicans who have been indicted in the past year. Is it just me, or is it getting more and more clear that nobody ever told the President that there is no Santa Claus?

Contingency Plan
The House of Representatives decided this week to take $90 million from a pandemic flu preparedness program to pay for Viagra and other impotence drugs. The Congressmen figure that when everyone else dies from avian flu, they're going to need all the help they can get re-populating the Earth.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I have not one but TWO jokes in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com. Here's the link: Newsday

Strike Judgment
A judge in New York State has issued an injunction prohibiting subway workers from striking on Friday. But if they don't show up to work, how will anyone tell the difference?

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Iraqi Polls

5) "I'm having trouble choosing between the candidate who says he'll destroy the Jews and the one who says he'll just destroy Israel"

4) "I'm not sure who's worse, the insurgents, or those stupid exit pollsters"

3) "Which candidate is the one in favor of running water?"

2) "If I had a job to get to, this whole voting process would be really tedious"

1) "Don't blame me, I voted for Mohammed"

Ford's Gay Ads
Ford Motor Co. says it will resume advertising in gay magazines after deciding earlier this month to pull the ads. Gay groups were set to protest the decision by boycotting the company, but it turned out no gay people have ever bought a Ford in the first place.

Secret Messages
It was revealed that the Pentagon has a $300 million psychological warfare operation that places pro-American messages in foreign media outlets. Man those "Baywatch" re-runs are expensive!

Iran Rebuked
After calling the Holocaust a "myth" and saying the Jews should be driven out of the Middle East, Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is being castigated by Europe's political leaders. They just hate it when somebody steals their lines.

Top 5 Movie Titles for the Southern James Bond

5) The Man With the Golden Tooth

4) On Her Majesty's Secret Mobile Home

3) The Fly who Stung Me

2) From Jesus with Love

1) El Camino Royale

Top 5 Reasons Osama Bin Laden Can No Longer Run Al Qaeda from his Secret mountain Lair

5) DHL totally doesn't deliver to Iraq

4) His employees are on a "sick-out" until they get a better health plan

3) Too bogged down getting Christmas presents for his 27 wives

2) He hired all those ousted executives from FEMA

1) He's still using dial-up

Ford Sick
92-year-old former President Gerald Ford has been admitted to a California hospital for some tests. The first test they're going to run is to determine if he really was the President.

Farrell in Rehab
Actor Colin Farrell has been admitted to a treatment center for exhaustion and an addiction to prescription drugs. Farrell has actually been addicted for some time, but he had been slurring his words for six months before anyone noticed the difference.

Nice Rate
Manhattan lawyer Benjamin Civiletti is the first attorney to charge $1,000 an hour. As always, the city's top lawyers take their billing cues from hookers.

Bush Choice
President Bush said Monday that even if he knew that Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction, he would still invade Iraq if he had to make the choice again. That's because he invaded Iraq to distract us from the crappy economy.

Bush Estimate
In a speech this week, President Bush estimated that about 30,000 Iraqis have died since the US-led invasion in March 2003... but he assured everyone that those were just the "bad" Iraqis.

Bush Estimate II
In a speech this week, President Bush estimated that about 30,000 Iraqis have died since the US-led invasion in March 2003. But the White House quickly pointed out that the President flunked math 13 times.

Golden Globes
"Brokeback Mountain," a film about gay cowboys, has received Golden Globe nominations for "Best Picture," "Best Actor," and "Best Example of Why Republicans Hate Hollywood."

Runner Banned
Now that he's been found guilty of taking steroids, the U.S. Olympic Anti-Doping Agency has banned sprinter Tim Montgomery, stripped him of his medals and erased his record. Hey, do you think we can get these guys to look into President Bush's campaign record?!?

Top 5 Reasons Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger Denied Clemency for "Tookie" Williams

5) Hey, it's not like he showed any mercy to folks who saw "The Eraser"

4) His pollsters gave him the shocking news that gang-bangers don't actually vote

3) Governor is upset that not one of those anti-gang children's books Williams wrote had pop-ups

2) These days, the governor is only doing favors for gay Democrats

1) Now we know: Arnold is a "Blood"

Scotus Denial
The U.S. Supreme Court has denied Tookie Williams' appeal for clemency. The justices rejected Williams' attempts to question the evidence, challenge the death penalty, and disguise himself as an unborn fetus.

Tookie's Legacy
"Tookie" Williams is credited with being the founder of the infamous "Crips" street gang. With his death, full ownership of the gang's name and trademarks will transfer to Warner Bros. Records.

New SUV
Ford is set to release a huge new SUV called the "Everest." The vehicle is reportedly big enough to hold 6 adults, 7 children, and 135,000 laid-off Ford factory workers.

Military Intelligence
Senator Chuck Schumer has urged President Bush to send a team of ex-generals, such as Norman Schwarzkopf, Colin Powell, to assess the military situation in Iraq. But the White House says it's happy to continue getting its war advice from and Colonel Klink and Cap'n Crunch.

Future of Iraq
Iraq's Vice President says that the country should consist of autonomous regions that live off the country's oil wealth. We already have a region like that in the U.S.; it's called "Texas."

Flu Drill
About 20 Cabinet members spent four hours Saturday testing the federal government's readiness for an outbreak of bird flu. During the drill, half the cabinet practiced blaming it on the Democrats, and the others brushed up on ways to kiss up to the drug companies.

NBC GUY, WHO ARE YOU?

I'm taking a moment here to ask the person from NBC in Burbank who logs on to this blog every day at about 10:30-Noon Pacific time if he or she will contact me at jakesjokes@gmail.com.

As you know, I have been trying for more than seven years to get a job on a late night program or a sit-com. I am flattered that someone in the business has become such a regular "customer," but if you are working on the entertainment side rather than the news division at KNBC, I'd appreciate any help or contacts you can pass along.

PLEASE HELP!!

Narnia is #1
The weekend's top movie was "The Chronicles of Narnia," which follows four siblings who cross into an alternate world steeped in Christian folklore. Of course, if you want to visit a fantasy land filled with Christians, you just have to take the White House tour.

Top 5 Surprises in "The Chronicles of Narnia"

5) It's a Christian movie, but there's no country music!

4) Talking animals explain how they're afraid of evolution

3) After returning through the wardrobe, kids find Jimmy Swaggert in bed with their mom

2) Lion accidentally killed by Evangelical hunting club

1) In the finale, Mel Gibson jumps out and guts the witch with a hunting knife

Pope on Christmas
Pope Benedict XVI told the huge crowd gathered in St. Peter's Square this morning that "rampant materialism is polluting the spirit of Christmas." Then he told everyone to hurry up and grab the 30% savings on all figurines at the Vatican gift shop.

DreamWorks Sold
Paramount has bought DreamWorks SKG, the movie studio created by Hollywood moguls Steven Spielberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen, for $1.6 billion. The price came out to $400 million for the studio and $1.2 billion for Katzenberg's ego.

Frist Threat
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist says he'll do whatever it takes to stop liberal Senators from blocking Samuel Alito's nomination to the Supreme Court. But Democrats say they'd kill all the filibuster talk if Frist would just cut them in on some insider stock tips.

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Old Wall
Construction workers in Lower Manhattan believe they've unearthed parts of a 240-year-old stone wall. They know the wall came from the 1760's because all the graffiti was done in calligraphy.

Top 5 Pieces of Graffiti on the 240-Year-Old Stone Wall in Lower Manhattan

5) "Bach Rocks!"

4) "Impeach George III"

3) "Return to New Jersey, you Slow Horse-riding Swine!"

2) "For a pleasurable afternoon, inquire after Miss Betsy Jones of Maiden Lane"

1) "Disco Sucketh"

No Social Security
The Supreme Court has ruled that federal officials can withhold Social Security checks from people who don't pay off their student loans. Too bad, because I was really counting on that Social Security money to help me pay off my student loans.

Jacko Indebto
Michael Jackson faces a $270 million debt foreclosure on December 20th, which means he could lose his Neverland Ranch and Sony Beatles music catalog. But Jackson won't get really scared until someone threatens to take away the monkey.

Mayor Recalled
Voters in Spokane, Washington have ousted their mayor after reports that he abused his office by offering jobs to young men in return for sex with them. But honestly, is there any really good reason to be the Mayor of Spokane?

Dog Genes
Researchers have announced that they have decoded the genetic map of dogs, and that it may help scientists unlock some secrets of human genetics... well, only human male genetics actually.

Porn Tax
A new law in Italy will require people to pay a 20% tax on pornography. This means Italy is about to become the richest government in Europe.

I'M BACK FROM MY HIGH-POWERED HOLLYWOOD MEETINGS, AND SO I GIVE YOU:

Top 5 New Official New Hollywood Slogans

5) "Schmooze or Lose"

4) "And You Thought Congress was Full of Crap"

3) "Not Responsible for Lost or Stolen Ideas"

2) "Vulgar Crap... Now in HD!"

1) "You Deserve a Re-Make Today"

Saddam Sits Out
Saddam Hussein is refusing to appear at his murder and torture trial. So, from now on, the role of the bearded and bedraggled defendant will be played by Nick Nolte.

Saddam's Rant
Earlier in the day, Saddam Hussein delivered a long rambling diatribe in which he criticized America for running "a theatrical play which they call a trial"... no wait, that was Michael Moore's Oscar speech!

War Support
A new poll says that most Americans want U.S. troops out of Iraq right away. And the others are only sticking with the President because he's offering them employee discounts and 0% financing.

Hugo vs. George
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is "showing up" President Bush by delivering discounted heating oil to a New York City low-income housing development. President Bush is retaliating by personally giving the richest Venezuelans a big tax cut.

Under Wraps
The French woman, who had the world's first partial face transplant, has asked journalists to respect her privacy. But her identity has already been leaked by Dick Cheney and Karl Rove.

Moochers
Dr. Phil is creating a primetime reality series called "Moochers," which targets people who have outlived other peoples' decency and hospitality. The show's alternate title is the "2006 Congressional Elections."

Happy and Healthy
A new study shows that a happy marriage can help boost the immune system... mostly because the husbands aren't screwing whores.

Condi's Deal
Condoleezza Rice told European countries investigating secret CIA jails that "governments that choose to cooperate with the U.S. get the best anti-terror intelligence first." The others will have to wait up to three weeks longer to get the new Harry Potter movie.

Brad's Choice
Experts say that the easiest way for Brad Pitt to adopt Angelina Jolie's children would be to marry her, otherwise he'll have to do months of paperwork and pay a steep fee... but Michael Jackson says the process is "totally worth it!"

WEB ALERT!! I have a new humor piece in the latest edition of "Ducts," a literary webzine with NIH arts funding. Here's the link: Ducts

Jake's Comedy Corner is taking a few days off. I should be back on Thursday.

Top 5 New Slogans at GM

5) "Quality is Job 15,278"

4) "We're Still Better than Peugeot"

3) "It's Michael Moore's Fault"

2) "We're Selling the Same Cars for $4,000 More than They Were Just a Month Ago"

1) "Get Out and Push"

Anderson Grills Bill
As promised, Anderson Cooper asked former President Bill Clinton the "tough questions" during his exclusive interview last night. The best moment came when Clinton couldn't explain why he was wearing a black belt with brown pants.

Dems Bash George
Many Congressional Democrats are saying that President Bush's speech Wednesday on Iraq was just more tired rhetoric... which is rough, because they're the experts on tired rhetoric.

Paid Stories
The U.S. military has admitted that it's paying Iraqi newspapers to run favorable stories about the war. But it boasted that it's still saving the taxpayers money by getting the FOX News Channel to run the same stories over here for free.

Face-Off in France
Doctors in France conducted the world's first partial face transplant, grafting a nose, chin and lips onto a 38 year-old woman disfigured in a dog-attack. But all the work was for naught, because after the surgery the woman was still French.

Bennifer's Baby
"Alias" star Jennifer Garner has given birth to her first child with actor-husband Ben Affleck. The baby girl is the couple's first successful production in more than 4 years.

Milestone Execution?
A killer scheduled to die today in North Carolina says he's not interested in going down in history as the one thousandth person executed in America since capitol punishment was reinstated in 1976. He's right; it'll feel a lot better to be the one thousand first person executed since capitol punishment was reinstated in 1976.

State Department Woes
It was reported that the U.S. State Department is having a hard time filling posts in the world's most dangerous cities. Which is odd, because I didn't think the State Department had offices in Detroit.

Women Win
Two business women have become Saudi Arabia's first female elected officials, winning posts to the board of Jiddah's chamber of commerce. They're expected to cast the board's only two votes against a resolution calling for their public execution.

Britney's Quest
Britney Spears has consulted a psychic to find out if husband Kevin Federline will cheat on her and if their marriage will last. The psychic just told here to ask Shar Jackson.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I have not one but TWO jokes in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com. Here's the link: Newsday