Top 5 Reasons Osama Bin Laden Can No Longer Run Al Qaeda from his Secret mountain Lair

5) DHL totally doesn't deliver to Iraq

4) His employees are on a "sick-out" until they get a better health plan

3) Too bogged down getting Christmas presents for his 27 wives

2) He hired all those ousted executives from FEMA

1) He's still using dial-up

Ford Sick
92-year-old former President Gerald Ford has been admitted to a California hospital for some tests. The first test they're going to run is to determine if he really was the President.

Farrell in Rehab
Actor Colin Farrell has been admitted to a treatment center for exhaustion and an addiction to prescription drugs. Farrell has actually been addicted for some time, but he had been slurring his words for six months before anyone noticed the difference.

Nice Rate
Manhattan lawyer Benjamin Civiletti is the first attorney to charge $1,000 an hour. As always, the city's top lawyers take their billing cues from hookers.

Bush Choice
President Bush said Monday that even if he knew that Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction, he would still invade Iraq if he had to make the choice again. That's because he invaded Iraq to distract us from the crappy economy.

Bush Estimate
In a speech this week, President Bush estimated that about 30,000 Iraqis have died since the US-led invasion in March 2003... but he assured everyone that those were just the "bad" Iraqis.

Bush Estimate II
In a speech this week, President Bush estimated that about 30,000 Iraqis have died since the US-led invasion in March 2003. But the White House quickly pointed out that the President flunked math 13 times.

Golden Globes
"Brokeback Mountain," a film about gay cowboys, has received Golden Globe nominations for "Best Picture," "Best Actor," and "Best Example of Why Republicans Hate Hollywood."

Runner Banned
Now that he's been found guilty of taking steroids, the U.S. Olympic Anti-Doping Agency has banned sprinter Tim Montgomery, stripped him of his medals and erased his record. Hey, do you think we can get these guys to look into President Bush's campaign record?!?