Top 5 Reasons Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger Denied Clemency for "Tookie" Williams

5) Hey, it's not like he showed any mercy to folks who saw "The Eraser"

4) His pollsters gave him the shocking news that gang-bangers don't actually vote

3) Governor is upset that not one of those anti-gang children's books Williams wrote had pop-ups

2) These days, the governor is only doing favors for gay Democrats

1) Now we know: Arnold is a "Blood"

Scotus Denial
The U.S. Supreme Court has denied Tookie Williams' appeal for clemency. The justices rejected Williams' attempts to question the evidence, challenge the death penalty, and disguise himself as an unborn fetus.

Tookie's Legacy
"Tookie" Williams is credited with being the founder of the infamous "Crips" street gang. With his death, full ownership of the gang's name and trademarks will transfer to Warner Bros. Records.

New SUV
Ford is set to release a huge new SUV called the "Everest." The vehicle is reportedly big enough to hold 6 adults, 7 children, and 135,000 laid-off Ford factory workers.

Military Intelligence
Senator Chuck Schumer has urged President Bush to send a team of ex-generals, such as Norman Schwarzkopf, Colin Powell, to assess the military situation in Iraq. But the White House says it's happy to continue getting its war advice from and Colonel Klink and Cap'n Crunch.

Future of Iraq
Iraq's Vice President says that the country should consist of autonomous regions that live off the country's oil wealth. We already have a region like that in the U.S.; it's called "Texas."

Flu Drill
About 20 Cabinet members spent four hours Saturday testing the federal government's readiness for an outbreak of bird flu. During the drill, half the cabinet practiced blaming it on the Democrats, and the others brushed up on ways to kiss up to the drug companies.