I'M BACK FROM MY HIGH-POWERED HOLLYWOOD MEETINGS, AND SO I GIVE YOU:

Top 5 New Official New Hollywood Slogans

5) "Schmooze or Lose"

4) "And You Thought Congress was Full of Crap"

3) "Not Responsible for Lost or Stolen Ideas"

2) "Vulgar Crap... Now in HD!"

1) "You Deserve a Re-Make Today"

Saddam Sits Out
Saddam Hussein is refusing to appear at his murder and torture trial. So, from now on, the role of the bearded and bedraggled defendant will be played by Nick Nolte.

Saddam's Rant
Earlier in the day, Saddam Hussein delivered a long rambling diatribe in which he criticized America for running "a theatrical play which they call a trial"... no wait, that was Michael Moore's Oscar speech!

War Support
A new poll says that most Americans want U.S. troops out of Iraq right away. And the others are only sticking with the President because he's offering them employee discounts and 0% financing.

Hugo vs. George
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is "showing up" President Bush by delivering discounted heating oil to a New York City low-income housing development. President Bush is retaliating by personally giving the richest Venezuelans a big tax cut.

Under Wraps
The French woman, who had the world's first partial face transplant, has asked journalists to respect her privacy. But her identity has already been leaked by Dick Cheney and Karl Rove.

Moochers
Dr. Phil is creating a primetime reality series called "Moochers," which targets people who have outlived other peoples' decency and hospitality. The show's alternate title is the "2006 Congressional Elections."

Happy and Healthy
A new study shows that a happy marriage can help boost the immune system... mostly because the husbands aren't screwing whores.

Condi's Deal
Condoleezza Rice told European countries investigating secret CIA jails that "governments that choose to cooperate with the U.S. get the best anti-terror intelligence first." The others will have to wait up to three weeks longer to get the new Harry Potter movie.

Brad's Choice
Experts say that the easiest way for Brad Pitt to adopt Angelina Jolie's children would be to marry her, otherwise he'll have to do months of paperwork and pay a steep fee... but Michael Jackson says the process is "totally worth it!"