Done Deal
Rupert Murdoch has finally closed the deal to buy Wall Street Journal parent Dow Jones. It's a move that would infuriate liberals... if any of them actually read the Wall Street Journal.


Baseball Milestones
It could be a big night for baseball as Tom Glavine goes for his 300th win, Barry Bonds tries to tie Hank Aaron for the home run crown, and Alex Rodriguez goes for homer number 500... it all depends on whether they're all comfortable sharing a steroid needle.



Ethics Bill
A new bill which bans members of Congress from accepting most types of gifts and trips from lobbyists is expected to easily pass this week... which means most members of Congress are planning to retire by the end of this year.

Experts say the new bill will remove the veil of secrecy that covers the day-to-day workings of the U.S. Congress... but not as much as when that Madame released her client list.


Sex Survey
Scholars at the University of Texas have catalogued 37 different reasons why people have sex. They include love, infatuation, and because it gets damn cold in Minnesota.


Election Issues
A new Gallup Poll says that running against the war in Iraq is "not exactly a winning issue" for the Democrats. The only winning issue for the Democrats is running against the Republicans.


Dodger-Yankee Deal
The Los Angeles Dodgers have sent talented infielder Wilson Betemit to the New York Yankees. In return, L.A. gets shaky relief pitcher Scott Proctor and a year's supply of prozac.

Vick Case Slammed
The president of the Atlanta chapter of the NAACP is criticizing the dog fighting prosecution of Michael Vick, saying the government is "piling on." I wonder if he would be saying that if the dogs had been black.


Paris Disinherited
Paris Hilton's grandfather is reportedly revoking her $60 million inheritance. Looks like she's going to have to make a lot more "accidental" sex tapes.

Paris Disinherited II
Paris Hilton's grandfather is reportedly revoking her $60 million inheritance. The next season of "The Simple Life" will focus on Paris' attempts to learn how to file for welfare.


Roberts Fall
Chief Justice John Roberts has been taken to a hospital after falling at his summer home. Roberts is said to be in good condition and is reportedly looking into reversing all his decisions that limited the jury awards on accident lawsuits.



Gore Pleads
Al Gore III has pleaded guilty to drug possession charges stemming from his arrest earlier in July. Gore admits that taking the drugs was the only way he could get through watching those Live Earth concerts.



Car Heat Sensors
Some car companies are selling special sensors that can keep kids from being left alone in dangerously hot cars. The sensors measure the car's temperature, the amount of air in the car, and whether or not the kids' parents are total idiots.



Bush-Brown Meeting
During their first meeting today, President Bush and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown discussed the U.K's plans to leave Iraq. Mr, Bush made it clear that if Britain leaves early, it will forfeit its security deposit.


More Hurricanes
A new study shows that the number of hurricanes has doubled in the last 100 years. The increase is being attributed to global warming, jet stream shifts, and the secret "ratings-making weather machine" CNN activates every September.

Iraqi Soccer Win
Iraq defeated Saudi Arabia, 1-0, to win the Asian Football Cup Championship Sunday. The triumph set off massive celebrations by both Iraqi soccer fans and the al Qaeda operatives looking forward to suicide bombing the victory parade.

Iraqi Soccer Win II
Iraq defeated Saudi Arabia, 1-0, to win the Asian Football Cup Championship Sunday. Not only was it the first significant sporting victory in Iraqi history, it was the first Arab soccer match since 2001 where the ball didn't eventually explode.



Huge Ketchup Packet
The town of Collinsville, Illinois has filled an 8-foot-tall, 4-foot-wide plastic pouch with 1,500 pounds of ketchup for a school fundraiser. Of course, with a town full of idiots wasting their time creating a huge ketchup packet, it's really not clear what good the schools can really do.


Huge Ketchup Packet II
The town of Collinsville, Illinois has filled an 8-foot-tall, 4-foot-wide plastic pouch with 1,500 pounds of ketchup. The only trouble is, no one in Collinsville knows how to make a 1,500 pound hamburger.



Tour de France Winner
Alberto Contador of Spain won the Tour de France by just 23 seconds over Australian Cadel Evans Sunday. Now if Contador could just give Barry Bonds his steroids back, Bonds might break the home run record sometime this week.


Chicago Mob Trial
Three alleged leaders of Chicago-area organized crime families are currently on trial for murder, extortion, loan sharking and concluding a popular TV series with a confusing and unsatisfactory ending.

Vick Pleads
Despite having what most experts believe is a very weak defense, Atlanta quarterback Michael Vick has pleaded not guilty to dog fighting charges. It's the same wisdom Vick uses on the field when he routinely goes up against 380-pound defensive linemen without a blocker.


Market Falls
The Dow Jones plunged 311 points Thursday as mortgage fears hit hundreds of thousands of Americans who have only been using their homes for dog fighting.



Shuttle Astronauts Drunk?
A new report claims astronauts have been flying shuttle missions while drunk... well, it's not like there are any traffic cops up there.

Shuttle Astronauts Drunk? II
A new report claims astronauts have been flying shuttle missions while drunk on several occasions... so I guess all this time, Lindsay Lohan has just been trying to get into NASA!

Shuttle Astronauts Drunk? III
A new report claims astronauts have been flying shuttle missions while drunk... well you HAVE to be drunk to want to go up in one of those things!


Raul Fills In
Fidel Castro's brother Raul led Cuba's Revolution Day celebrations Thursday. Fidel is too busy trying to get Michael Moore to find him a room in a decent American hospital.

Gas Explosions
A series of gas explosions in Dallas has left three people injured. But since this is Texas, rescue crews are just working to save the gas.


Chrysler Deal Delayed
Chrysler is postponing its $12 billion corporate bond deal. Like most other things produced by Chrysler, it's currently in the shop.



Veteran Care
The U.S. Senate has approved several medical care improvements for veterans. Congress is finally recognizing that former soldiers deserve better attention, mostly because a lot of them are still armed.



Fred's Top Aide Quits
The chief of staff for Fred Thompson's still unofficial presidential campaign has resigned. He decided to take the much more challenging and lucrative job as Lindsay Lohan's image consultant.



Muslim Terror Poll
A new survey shows that support for terrorism in the Muslim world is falling... well, that's what the survey was showing before Muslim terrorists killed the pollsters.



Churchill Fired
The University of Colorado has fired Professor Ward Churchill, who once compared 9/11 victims to Nazis. But Churchill has been offered another job at the school, as a tackling dummy for the football team.



Bruno Outraged
Upon hearing the news that Governor Eliot Spitzer's aides spied on him, New York Senate Majority Leader Joseph Bruno is reacting with outrage... mostly because he didn't think of doing it first.

Lohan Busted
Just days after leaving rehab, Lindsay Lohan has been arrested and charged with drunk driving and cocaine possession in Santa Monica. After seeing what it did for Paris Hilton's image, Lohan obviously has decided she needs a few weeks in jail.



Vick Barred
Michael Vick has been ordered to stay away from Falcons training camp while the NFL conducts its own investigation into his alleged dog fighting operation. Meanwhile, the NBA is looking into charges that some of the dog fights may have been refereed by Tim Donaghy.



Zahn Leaving
Paula Zahn has announced her departure from CNN. In order to improve ratings during her 8PM slot, CNN is replacing her with a test pattern.



Dow Drops
DuPont was the biggest loser as the Dow Jones lost more than 200 points Tuesday. Investors are worried that DuPont is being beaten in the competitive dangerous chemical market by Chinese pet food manufacturers.



MySpace Sex Offenders
MySpace says it's helped police identify more than 29,000 sex offenders on it site. Usually to make that many sex crime busts, the cops have to visit the Neverland Ranch.



Starbucks Raises Prices
Starbucks is raising prices for its coffee and other drinks by 9 cents, citing rising dairy costs, minimum wage hikes, and the fact that it's always been very jealous of Exxon.



Northwest Cancellations
Due to a labor dispute-related pilot shortage, Northwest Airlines is cancelling a huge number of flights today. If they're lucky, today's Northwest passengers will be informed by Friday.

Potter Book Record
8.3 million copies of the final Harry Potter book were sold in the first 24 hours after its release this weekend... an amazing feat since there's never more than one register open at Barnes and Noble.


Selig Won't Celebrate
Even if he is present when Barry Bonds breaks the home run record, Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig says he will not celebrate the accomplishment. But that's only because jumping up and down really ruins his hairpiece.



Tammy Faye Dies
Tammy Faye Messner died Saturday just one day after doing an interview with Larry King. Usually, the only people who die are the ones who've just watched Larry King.


Vick Protests
Dozens protesters marched outside Atlanta Falcons headquarters Monday afternoon demanding the team release Michael Vick. Police assumed the protesters were animal rights activists, but when they became violent it was obvious they were actually just Eagles' fans.



Sleep Patterns
Doctros say that parents should recognize and respect their baby's natural rhythms and establish good bedtime habits early on. So I guess taking my 2-year-old to the midnight Rocky Horror Picture Show was a bad idea?



Brown to CNN
CNN hired anchor Campbell Brown of NBC News, one day after she announced she was leaving Weekend Today. By hiring Brown, CNN proves its continuing commitment to lighten the workload at the Manhattan unemployment office.


YouTube Debate
CNN is hosting tonight's Democratic presidential debate in South Carolina, featuring questions submitted by ordinary Americans via YouTube. Usually, CNN only gets its on-air material from people fired by NBC.

Many people are questioning the wisdom of using YouTube to generate all the questions in a presidential debate. But it's not any dumber than hosting an even in South Carolina in July.

Bush Colonoscopy
President Bush is in excellent condition after undergoing a colonoscopy Saturday. Doctors says doing a colonoscopy on President Bush is kind of like listening to what he has to say in a press conference.

Bush Colonoscopy II
Doctors removed seven small polyps from President Bush's colon, and said that "none appeared worrisome"... but despite that analysis from experts in the field, Senate Democrats are demanding that the President surrender his colon by September.


NBA Ref Accused
An NBA referee is under investigation for betting on basketball games, including ones he officiated. The scandal is potentially devastating to the reputation of the NBA, which has prided itself on being a league of deadbeat dads.

NBA Ref Accused II
An NBA referee is under investigation for betting on basketball games, including ones he officiated. But no matter how many games may have been fixed, the Knicks still completely suck.



"24" Goes Green
The producers of the hit show "24" have announced the production will be more environmentally friendly in the future... which means Jack Bauer will be only be blowing up oil companies from now on.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday



Vick's Future
Michael Vick's federal indictment on dog fighting charges will surely cost him millions of dollars in product endorsements. But he did just win the job to plug a new line of imported poison Chinese dog food.


Plame Case Dismissed
A federal judge has dismissed a lawsuit by outed CIA employee Valerie Plame and her husband against Vice President Dick Cheney and other top Bush administration officials. The judge said Plame failed to show why the case should be heard in federal court, or on CNN for that matter.



Explosion Aftermath
Wednesday's underground massive steam pipe explosion in midtown Manhattan has displaced thousands of New Yorkers. Unfortunately, most of the newly-homeless rats are just too big to live in those FEMA trailers.



Potter Crowds
Thousands of people worldwide are expected to jam bookstores at midnight tomorrow to get their hands on the final Harry Potter book. This will also serve as a reunion for all the idiots who lined up for the iPhone two weeks ago.



Sopranos Nominations
Despite its puzzling final episode, "The Sopranos" has received 15 Emmy nominations. The voters wanted to get the writers in front of the huge crowd at the award ceremony, so everyone gets a chance to beat the Hell out of them.



Price is Right Search
CBS is still trying to find a host to replace Bob Barker on "The Price is Right." The network executives aren't sure which candidate they want to take the job, but like most Americans, they do know they no longer like John McCain.



Chinese Economy
China’s 11.9% annual rate of growth raised fears that the economy is overheating. But if the growing worldwide demand for poisonous toothpaste and pet food doesn't subside, there may be little anyone can do about it.



Hillary Poll
The latest New York Times/CBS News poll shows that most Americans think Hillary Clinton is a good role model for women... especially women who can't tell the truth.

Senate Dems Fail
Despite an all-night session, Senate Democrats failed to overcome a GOP filibuster on Iraq. Of course, trying all night without enjoying any success is something Majority Leader Harry Reid and his wife are very familiar with.



Vick Indicted
Atlanta Falcons star Michael Vick has been indicted for being an alleged ringleader in a massive dog fighting operation. This is a devastating development for millions of Americans as it comes just days before the fantasy football draft.


The indictment against Vick includes charges he executed poor-performing dogs in vicious ways... something most Falcon fans have wanted to do to Vick ever since they missed the 2005 playoffs.



Crash Aftermath
After last night's deadly jet crash at the Sao Paulo Airport, Brazil has declared three days of national mourning. During this period, only black thongs will be allowed at the nation's beaches.


Couey Faking?
Some legal experts believe convicted murderer John Couey is faking having mental disabilities in order to avoid execution. He apparently learned how to do that by watching Congress every night on C-Span.


Food Safety Panel
President Bush has established a high-level government panel to examine the safety of food shipped into the United States. As a result there will now be a $2.50 surcharge on all deliveries from the Golden Panda Palace during regular government business hours.

Food Safety Panel II
President Bush has established a high-level government panel to examine the safety of food shipped into the United States. Well that covers imports, but who the Hell is looking into what they put into Twinkies?

Senate All-Nighter
The U.S. Senate will debate several Iraq war bills tonight in an all-night session. It's not clear if the Senators are trying to stand up to president Bush, or if they just want to prove to their wives that they're not using an escort service.


Catholic Prayer Worries
Some Jewish leaders are worried about Pope Benedict's reintroduction of the Latin Mass, which includes a once-a-year prayer for God to "lift the veil from the eyes of the Jews." But most Jews are worried about the daily Muslim prayer that asks Allah to "lift the veil from the eyes of the Jews so we can blow their heads off."


Al Qaeda Report
A top government intelligence report says that al Qaeda is desperately trying to sneak into the United States. But it's not clear if they want to attack us, or just get some of those good dishwashing jobs at Denny's.


TB Surgery
So-called "TB Traveller" Andrew Speaker underwent surgery for his tuberculosis in Atlanta today. Speaker wanted to get the surgery done before Michael Moore tried to take him to Cuba.


Iraqi Fear
Hundreds of Iraqis say they're extremely worried about a possible American withdrawal... especially since most of them just spent their life savings on McDonald's and Starbuck's franchises.



American Indians in NYC
A small group of gay American Indians is trying to find a home in Manhattan. If they think they're persecuted now, wait until they find they can't even get a studio apartment for less than $2,500 a month.

American Indians in NYC II
A small group of gay American Indians is trying to find a home in Manhattan. Being members of such a marginalized minority does make it hard to find a home, but none of them had any trouble getting into Harvard.

Top 5 Gay American Indians

5) "Dances with Drag Queens"

4) "Geronihomo"

3) "Crazy Clothes Horse"

2) "Victor/Victorio"

1) "Lone Flamingo"



Sniper at Large
A former army sniper is still at large after allegedly shooting his wife to death while she performed at a show. Millions of Americans are wondering why he killed his own wife, why he did it in such a public place, and why couldn't he have been married to Celine Dion?

Restaurant Merger
IHOP has made a $2.1 billion deal to buy the Applebee's restaurant chain. Now IHOP plans to further increase its profits by trying to buy out all the major heart and cholesterol drug manufacturers.

Restaurant Merger II
IHOP has made a $2 billion deal to buy the Applebee's restaurant chain. That's $1 billion for the restaurants, and $1 billion to install extra-wide toilet seats in all the bathrooms.


Washington Back on TV
ABC-ousted "Grey's Anatomy" star Isaiah Washington will guest-star on NBC's remake of "The Bionic Woman" this fall. He'll play a man who gets a surgically implanted device that helps him shut the Hell up.


Hemp Car
Ford Motor Co. is bankrolling a project to make a car fuled by hemp. Experts say the car actually runs reliably, but the only place drivers seem to want to take it is Taco Bell.


Bush Demand
President Bush is demanding that the Palestinian government arrest terrorists. The only problem is that all of the terrorists are in the Palestinian government.


Full Flights
Business experts say the new trend of extremely full flights could save the airline industry... it certainly is already doing wonders for the deodorant industry.

Mailiki's Statement
Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al Maliki boldly announced today that American soldiers "can leave Iraq anytime they like,"... as long as they take him with them.

Mailiki's Statement II
Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al Maliki boldly announced today that American soldiers "can leave Iraq anytime they like,"... shouldn't he be making the same offer to al Qaeda?



Mission to Mars
The European Space Agency is looking for volunteers for a simulated mission to Mars, where the elite candidates will spend up to 520 days in "extreme isolation and confinement"... and the really elite candidates will spend two hours in coach on flight with Air France.


Fatah Pledge
Scores of Fatah militants in the West Bank have signed a pledge renouncing attacks against Israel... they also promised to stop attacking Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.



Teen Sex
A new report shows that fewer American teens are having sex... well, it's a little hard to do it when you're all the way over in Iraq or Afghanistan.


Church Settlement
The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles has reached a $660 million settlement agreement with more than 500 sexual abuse plaintiffs. The Church plans to pay for the settlement by hiring super-cheap illegal immigrant priests from now on.

Iraq Report
President Bush says the mixed report on progress in Iraq is a "cause for optimism"... mostly since he's not in Iraq.


Al Qaeda Strength
A new U.S. government analysis concludes that Al Qaeda is the strongest it has been since September 11, 2001. Liberal groups believe al Qaeda has become more deadly because we just haven't been nice enough to them.


Flight Diverted
A flight from Los Angeles to London was diverted to New York early Thursday because of a suspicious passenger. The airline decided that dumping the guy in Jamaica, Queens at 3AM was the best way to see if he was really dangerous.



South Dakota Execution
South Dakota has carried out its first execution in 60 years. If they did it more often; everyone stuck living in South Dakota would want one.


Drug Flights
The DEA says the number of planes smuggling cocaine into the United States from the Caribbean have increased fourfold since 2003. Drug runners say they're enjoying record sales, but the jet fuel prices are killing them!


New Invention
Kimberly-Clark has come out with a new autmatic toilet paper dispenser. The company plans to market the product to the most lazy people in the world; all 535 members of Congress.


Nixon Strategy
Newly released documents show that President Nixon's 1972 re-election campaign tried to tie Democrats to gay liberation. Since then, the Democrats have fought back by becoming more tied to gay liberation.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday

Lady Bird Dead
Lady Bird Johnson has died at age 94. While married to Lyndon Johnson, she proved herself to be the quintessential political wife... by overlooking each and every one of his affairs.


Iran Stoning
The Iranian government has confirmed that a man convicted of adultery was stoned to death in a Northern Iranian village this week. In what they insist is an unrelated story, Senator David Vitter and former President Bill Clinton are now leading a bi-partisan coalition in favor of bombing Iran.


Execution Celebration
Chinese workers are cheering the execution of the country's former chief of food and drug safety. Not only are they happy that someone who put their lives in danger is dead, but now they can use his body to make more cheap exported Chinese dog food.


Anti-Circumcision Campaign
The British government is now trying to stamp out the illegal practice of female gential mutilation. But since Prime Minister Gordon Brown has banned officials from using the word "Muslim" when discussing terrorism or crimes, the entire campaign consists of government workers handing out anti-circumcision fliers at local churches.


Married Student
The parents of a 16-year-old girl who recently married a 40-year-old former high school coach are suing the Brunswick County, NC Board of Education, saying school officials failed to protect their daughter. They're mostly angry because she was already engaged to her brother.


Baby Mammouth Discovery
Scientists unveiled the discovery Wednesday of a baby mammoth found in the permafrost of north-west Siberia. The animal is thought to have died 10,000 years ago, years before it could possibly be saved by one of those "Live Earth" concerts.

Baby Mammouth Discovery II
Scientists unveiled the discovery Wednesday of a baby mammoth found in the permafrost of north-west Siberia. The mammouth's divorced parents are now suing each other for custody.


Bomb Robber Indictment
Two people have been indicted for fastening a collar bomb around the neck of a man and forcing him to rob a bank in 2003. Why is it that these low-lives can get their hands on a deviced like that and I can't even find the right lightbulb at Home Depot?

Bomb Robber Indictment II
Two people have been indicted for fastening a collar bomb around the neck of a man and forcing him to rob a bank in 2003. Currently the only Americans with a bomb around their necks are the studio guys who greenlighted "Sicko."


Muslim Civil Rights
Representatives of the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) met with court officials in Georgia Wednesday to discuss policies on the wearing of Islamic headscarves in local courtrooms. But since CAIR never admits that Muslims are ever connected to any crimes, it's not clear why they would ever need to be in a courtroom in the first place.

Vitter Embarrassed
U.S. Senator David Vitter is expressing severe embarrassment after telephone records linked him to a notorious D.C. madam. The only whores members of Congress are supposed to be linked to are lobbyists.

Vitter Embarrassed II
Senator David Vitter is a close ally of Rudy Giuliani and his connection to a D.C. madam may hurt Giuliani's presidential campaign... or help it; when it comes to big campaign donors, having access to top-notch hookers isn't exactly a bad thing.



Ford Hybrids
Ford Motor Co. CEO Alan Mulally says he expects to see the company sell plug-in hybrids in five to 10 years... which should be about three to four years after Ford goes out of business.



Mosque Leader Killed
Abdul Rashid Ghazi, the leader of the week-long Red Mosque siege in Islamabad, has been killed. Ghazi was an outspoken critic of Pervez Musharraf, George Bush, and dentists.

Leader's Brother
Ghazi's brother, Maulana Abdul Aziz, was captured while trying to slip out of the Red Mosque disguised in a burqa. It's not clear if he was trying to elude the authorities or just get lucky.


Bush On the War
President Bush was in Cleveland Tuesday, to discuss his strategy to eventually pull out of Iraq. Meanwhile, his staff was busy working on a strategy to immediately pull out of Cleveland.


Jury Duty Excuse
A Cape Cod man has claimed he is homophobic and a habitual liar to avoid performing jury duty. Unfortunately, that excuse only works if you're trying to get off the cast of "Grey's Anatomy."

Teen Workers
For the first time ever, most American teenagers are not getting jobs this summer. Well, it is hard to compete for a job at McDonald's when you're going up against an illegal with six kids back home.


"N-Word" Funeral
The NAACP symbolically buried the N-word Monday. From now on, black and white people are being urged to just say "MotherFu**er!"

"N-Word" Funeral II
The NAACP symbolically buried the N-word in Detroit Monday. And since it was held in Detroit, they were then forced to bury seven of the people at the funeral who were shot for real.



The "M" Word
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has banned ministers from using the word "Muslim" in connection with the terrorism crisis. Brown does not think these nearly fatal attacks are any reason to make fun of al Qaeda's still-failing diversity hiring programs.



Bush Says No
President Bush has invoked executive privilege to deny requests by Congress to learn more about the firings of federal prosecutors. He's also not going to tell Congress some other vital information, like most of them are fat and that Nancy Pelosi's facelift makes her look ridiculous.



PlayStation Price Cut
Sony has cut the price of the PlayStation 3 by $100... allowing most of its users to finally buy toothpaste, soap, and a clean t-shirt.


Wonders of the World
In an online vote, the Great Wall of China was voted #1 "wonder of the world." For thousands of years, it continues to keep out invaders, vandals, and food quality inspectors.



Iraq Vote
Senior Iraqi officials are now calling for a no-confidence parliamentary vote against Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. But it's not clear if they have no confidence in his political abilities or if they just don't think he's going to live until Wednesday.

Live Earth
Al Gore is declaring that the Live Earth concerts he organized were a rousing success. Too bad most of the money raised had to be used to bail out his son.

Live Earth II
Hundreds of thousands of people attended different Live Earth concerts and events across the globe. Some were there to hear great music, some came to support the environment, but most came to share drugs with Al Gore III.


Federer's Fifth
Tennis star Roger Federer won his 5th straight Wimbeldon title Sunday... and it will take him another five titles before anyone in America gives a damn.


Prisoner Release
The Israeli Cabinet has approved the release of 250 Palestinian prisoners... making this summer's professional terrorist league draft the most productive of all time.

Prisoner Release II
The Israeli Cabinet has approved the release of 250 Palestinian prisoners...at last giving these freedom-loving men their long-awaited chance to blow themselves up.



Chinese Floods
Floods and landslides have killed at least 94 people and left 25 missing in southwest China's Sichuan province... but it's not clear if the victims died from the flooding or if they just ate some Chinese food exports.



SoCal Bus Strike
Bus drivers in the Los Angeles suburb of Orange County are on strike for the second straight day. They plan to strike for several weeks, or until someone notices there are no buses running in Orange County, whichever comes first.

Chinese Product Problems
The Chinese government now admits that 20% of its products do not meet the country's own quality standards. And that's even after raising the minimum wage to 4 cents an hour.


Heat Wave
It may get as hot as 116 degrees in Las Vegas today... which would be a problem if anyone ever went outdoors in Las Vegas.



Clinton on Bush
Former President Bill Clinton is blasting President Bush's decision to commute Scooter Libby's prison sentence, calling it unforgiveable... especially since he didn't even get any sex out of it.



Gore's Mission
Al Gore says he wants to continue to fight what he calls the "most serious danger our civilization has ever faced." It's not clear if he was talking about global warming or going for a drive with his son.



Desegregation Milestone
Little Rock, Arkansas is marking the 50th anniversary of public school desegregation. The good news is that black and white kids now get a truly equal education, the bad news is that now neither of them can read.



Top Issue
Healthcare reform is emerging as the top issue of the 2008 presidential campaign. That's because it's not even 2008 yet and we're all already sick of all the candidates.

Hot Dog Winner
American Joey Chestnut has won the Nathan's Fourth of July hot dog eating contest with a new world record 66 dogs eaten in 12 minutes. The event is always a great promotion for Nathan's, because nothing makes you want to eat hot dogs more than watching a guy shove five and half dozen of them down his throat.


Gore Arrested
Al Gore's son, Al Gore III, was arrested early this morning for driving his Toyota Prius 100 MPH and having marijuana and prescription drugs in his possession. The news is shocking millions of Americans who didn't think it was possible to drive a Prius faster than 45 MPH.

Gore Arrested II
Al Gore's son, Al Gore III, was arrested early this morning for driving his Toyota Prius 100 MPH and having marijuana and prescription drugs in his possession. The "III" after his name now officially stands for three DUI's.

Gore Arrested II
Al Gore's son, Al Gore III, was arrested early this morning for driving his Toyota Prius 100 MPH and having marijuana and prescription drugs in his possession. The younger Gore explained he needs the drugs to have any hope of understanding what the Hell his father is talking about.



Johnston Released
Palestinian kidnappers have finally released BBC reporter Alan Johnston after 114 days. They decided to let him go when they realized there really aren't that many reporters who believe their bullcrap.


Chrysler in China
Chrysler has announced it will start selling cars made in China by 2010. The vehicles will have 25 different standard and optional features that can poison you.


Hilton Bought
The Blackstone investment group has bought Hilton Hotelts for $26 billion. That's $20 billion for the hotels and $6 billion for the right to have Paris killed.

Top 10 Medical Insurance Form Questions at Dr. Mohammed Mohammed's Office

10. Blood Type, please circle one: A, B, O, Jewish.

9. Please state the reason for your injury/illness: a. car accident, b. slip/fall, c. failed suicide bombing.

8. Have you had any exposure to: a. asbestos b. toxic materials c. ramshackle Iranian nuclear labs.

7. Have you ever had: a. cancer b. bronchitis c. Infidel neighbor.

6. To what do you attribute your illness/pain: a. hereditary problems b. alcohol/drug abuse c. Israel.

5. Do you work: a. overnight shifts, b. construction, c. the baggage hold at Heathrow Airport.

4. Have you ever made a Workers’ Compensation claim, and if so, do you feel comfortable filling out applications for false passports and/or visas?

3. With what do you intend to make your payments: a. cash b. credit c. 72 virgins.

2. Do you have a history of: a. blackouts b. seizures c. Zionism.

1. If injured whom shall we contact: a. spouse b. child c. al Jazeera.

Libby Sentence Commuted
President Bush has commuted Scooter Libby's 2 1/2-year sentence. The White House it needs to keep the jails clear for Paris Hilton's inevitable return


U.K. Attack Suspects
Reports say that the recent car bomb attacks in Britain may have been planned by three local doctors. Man, socialized medicine really can kill you.


Wrestler Doc Arrested
The personal doctor of pro wrestler Chris Benoit has surrendered to authorities to face a federal charge in connection with a drug probe. Now they just need to arrest the guy who sold him those pants.


Marital Goals
By a margin of nearly 3-to-1, Americans say the main purpose of marriage is the "mutual happiness and fulfillment" of adults rather than the "bearing and raising of children." Of course, if the adults succeed at that "mutual happiness" thing, they're going to end up with a lot of children.

Marital Bliss
A new survey shows that most Americans believe sharing household chores is the #1 key to a happy marriage. And this is why I do all my vacuuming in the nude.


Cheese Sculpture
A mock-up of Mount Rushmore made entirely out of cheese was unveiled in Time Square Monday. This explains why so many rats were rushing out of the 42nd Street subway station this morning.


Foul Top
The wife of Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez attended Sunday's game at Yankee Stadium wearing a white tank top with "F--k You" written on the back. Luckily for Mrs. Rodriguez, "F--k You" is the greeting of choice for all fans at Yankee Stadium.


New Blockbuster CEO
Video rental chain Blockbuster has named James Keyes as its new chairman and CEO. His main job will be to close the doors and turn out the lights.

Babs in Berlin
Barbra Streisand gave here first-ever concert in Germany Saturday night. I guess we can say the Jews have finally gotten even for the Holocaust.


iRate iPhone Owners
Hundreds of thousands of new iPhone owners aren't happy because of troubles with the AT&T service on the phone. Of course, it could just be that no one ever wants to call those losers.


Glasgow Fallout
In response to Saturday's unsuccessful terrorist attack in Glasgow, all air travellers to and from the U.K. will no longer be allowed to enter the airport while they or their cars are on fire.


Brown's Vow
Prime Minister Gordon Brown says the British government will not yield to terrorist attacks and threats... it's going to keep on admitting immigrants with no regard for anyone's safety just like it has for the last 40 years.



Suspicious Package
Authorities have given the "all-clear" after they found a suspicious package and evacuated the American Airlines terminal at John F. Kennedy International Airport on Sunday. So once again, the most dangerous thing at the terminal is the Cinnabon kiosk.