Friday, August 29, 2003

Tuition Hikes
Returning college students are likely to feel the pinch this year as America's public and private universities are raising tuition by as much as 39%. Top ways for students to save and make more money this semester:

-Collect whatever rewards are available for ratting out all your anti-American professors to the Feds

-Buckle down, study, and do whatever else is necessary to find the few illegal free music downloading web sites that haven't been shut down yet

-Borrow a video camera, take it to every campus bar, and sell all the footage to the guys from "Girls Gone Wild"

-Go on more shoplifting outings with the football team

-Could cut down on the beer and partying and get a part-time job... well, let's not do anything drastic

-Take out some student loans and get yourself about 200 Grand in debt before you're 21... oh wait, you're doing that already

-Just drop out and take a job at McDonald's... in this economy, that's where all the guys who finished college are working anyway

Disney Investment
Disney board member Roy P. Disney is buying a cremation and incineration firm for $11.5 million. Of course, Disney knows first hand that the number of people burning copies of "Treasure Planet" and "The Emperor's New Groove" ought to keep the profits soaring at that company for years.

Thursday, August 28, 2003

Newsday Link>

Iran Weapons
Iran is denying it has a nuclear weapons program and says traces of uranium found by inspectors were simply the result of contamination. Well, it's surely a relief to know the Iranians won't kill us on purpose with a bomb, they'll just poison millions by accident with poorly-maintained radioactive waste.

Blair on the Stand
At a formal inquiry in London, Prime Minister Tony Blair testified that if a report accusing his government of "sexing up" intelligence on Iraq had been true, he would have resigned. Nevertheless, former President Bill Clinton is urging Blair to be more defiant and look straight into the cameras and say: "I did not have sex with that intelligence document..."

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Ten Commandments Removed
Workers have finally removed the 2.5 ton Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Judicial Building. Protestors on the scene are now determined to make it absolutely clear that removing the monument sends the wrong message... so they've begun murdering each other.

Rescued Mink
A radical animal rights group devoted to saving animals' lives says it broke into a fur farm outside Seattle Monday and released more than 10,000 mink into the nearby woods. Since then, the escaped mink have been feasting on most of the forest's endangered birds, rabbits and muskrats.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Bush & Technology
President Bush's aides say he's intrigued by technology but not with the gadgets themselves. The president, for example, doesn't use digital cameras, but a White House photographer is always nearby. He doesn't need to deal with online banking and shopping because his personal aide handles that. And he doesn't need to worry about any of his decisions, because the Fox News Channel is there to tell him he never makes any mistakes.

Beauty Queen Fraud
Beauty queen Dee Henderson is facing charges she fraudulently collected more than $190,000 in government benefits. But the case is being called unfair, because if the feds are going to prosecute one beauty queen for being a fake, they'll really have to prosecute them all.

Monday, August 25, 2003

MTV Recognizes Cash
71-year old Johnny Cash is up for 6 MTV video awards this year for his video "Hurt," which is about the damage done by a life of drug abuse. But MTV hasn't aired the video too often, fearing viewers will think it's a re-run of "The Osbournes."

School Soda
Worrying about the health of school kids, the California State Assembly has voted to ban soda sales at all elementary and junior high schools. Critics say the move will actually be unhealthy for the state's schoolchildren, who need the sugar high to help them avoid getting shot.

Museum Suit
The Springfield, Massachusetts Museum of Art is suing a New York art gallery, claiming the gallery sold it a 16th century Italian painting it knew was stolen. The suit is asking for $3 million, which is $1 million for each person who's visited the museum in the last 50 years.

Friday, August 22, 2003

Ten Commandments Compromise
Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore is still refusing to remove the Ten Commandments monument from the courthouse rotunda. But he is offering the following compromise solutions to the federal government:

-Willing to cross out the "no adultery" Commandment... at least until the summer interns go back to school

-Willing to provide "equal time" by putting a Golden Calf idol in the rotunda too

-Will remind the government that you have to be able to READ the Commandments for there to be any problem, and we are talking about ALABAMA... get the picture?

-Willing to replace the monument with Charlton Heston babbling his lines from "The 10 Commandments" movie until he figures out where the Hell he is

-Willing to move the monument to the one place in the state where it's needed the most: the football team locker room at the University of Alabama.

College Ratings
U.S. News & World Report's annual ranking of America's best colleges is on newsstands now, but critics say colleges gear too many of their efforts toward getting higher rankings. Those efforts include using tougher admissions standards, changing course offerings, and making sure the football team is on the road when the magazine's inspectors show up on campus.

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Mideast Attacks
According to the Hamas security chief, today's missile attack by the Israelis in Gaza could derail the peace process. That's a devastating statement coming from a guy in charge of security for an organization that routinely sends 17-year olds to blow themselves up.

Video of the missile attack scene showed crowds of people shouting and rushing to put out a fire in a burning car... so they could set it on fire again for a protest about an hour later.

In response to the Israeli attack, angry Hamas leaders are calling on Mahmoud Abbas to step down and leave Palestinian territory... preferably on a bus.

Chemical Ali Captured
The former Iraqi official known as "Chemical Ali" for leading poisonous gas attacks on Kurds has been captured. Ali was also the Governor of Kuwait during the 7-month Iraqi occupation in 1990-91... which means he would have been the most qualified candidate in the California recall.

French Heat Wave
French President Jacques Chirac is apologizing for defects in his country's health service that left more than 10,000 people dead in the recent heat wave. But Chirac says he's mostly sorry because he couldn't find any way to blame the tragedy on the United States.

Classroom Dilemma
Education experts are worried that major world events like 9/11 and the war in Iraq are happening too quickly for college students to get a chance to study them properly. But the major universities say there's no need for alarm, as they promise to continue hiring professors with no idea about what's going on in the real world anyway.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Today's News 8/20

New Viagra
The FDA is close to approving a Viagra alternative that reportedly remains effective for 36 hours per pill. Side effects for the drug include headaches, upset stomachs and a burning desire to run for Congress.

Sex Doesn't Sell
A new study shows that TV viewers remember commercials on programs with no sex appeal a lot better than they do when watching shows with sexually-attractive themes. The networks are responding to the data by begging Roseanne to come back on the air.

Heart Attack Study
A new study shows that most heart attack victims had at least one major health problem that went undetected until after their attack. The findings suggest that doctors should pay even more attention to screening patients for risk factors such as high cholesterol, hypertension, and being a Mets fan.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Today's News 8/19

How to Be Gay
The University of Michigan is offering a new undergraduate course titled "How to Be Gay." Top comments overheard during the first class:

-"Finally, an easy class that's not full of guys from the football team!"

-"Is this the room where we all drink lattes and watch 'Will and Grace' re-runs?"

-"This class is still a lot less gay than Intro to English Lit."

-"I swear, I'm only taking this class because the frat I'm pledging MADE me do it... now excuse me as I go back to my house filled with half-naked college boys where no girls are allowed."

-"I think this class is the prerequisite for Interior Design 101"

College Partying
The Princeton Review is out with its annual list of the top "party" schools in America. But some groups criticize the rankings, saying they portray alcohol in a good light and legitimize high-risk drinking... others are angry because they keep transferring to the top party school every year and still can't get laid.

Prison Population
A new study shows the nation's imprisoned population is rising to an all-time high, with 1 in every 37 Americans behind bars... so THAT'S how the Bush administration is keeping the unemployment rate below 10%.

Monday, August 18, 2003

Today's News 8/18

Marine Sentenced
Marine Sergeant Sherry Pierce is going to the brig for 14 months for
using her official credit card to buy herself breast implants. But
she's appealing the verdict saying that a career in the military has
taught her that anything that's too big, too expensive and liable to
explode HAS to be good.

Friday, August 15, 2003

Today's News 8/15: The Blackout Special

-Investigators are working hard to find the cause of the blackout so it never happens again, repairs can be made, and the lawyers can figure out who they can sue.

-Millions of Americans in the Northeast endured a long night with no lights, no air conditioning, and no public transportation. The rest of America watching news coverage of the blackout had to endure seeing Paula Zahn with no makeup.

-New York's newspapers are struggling to get back up and running. Luckily, former New York Times employee Jayson Blair is volunteering to make up as many stories as necessary until the real reporters can get back to work.

-Despite the difficulty of dealing with a 13 hour blackout in the height of the summer, everyone in America is grateful for the power outage because at least it got everyone to shut up about the darn California recall election.

-The blackout forced thousands of stranded New Yorkers to spend the night on the streets like homeless people. Thankfully, there was plenty of room for everyone, but shopping carts filled with used aluminum cans were in dangerously short supply.

-Despite the long blackout, there were only two incidents of looting reported throughout New York City. The city’s top looters are apologizing and say they’re looking into the massive failure of their quick response system.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

Today's News 8/14

Liberia Troops
Tens of thousands of Liberians clapped and cheered today as helicopters carrying U.S. troops landed at Monrovia's airport. The people are overjoyed to finally have someone different to shoot at.

Car Salesmen
A new study shows most car buyers choose one auto over another because of the salesperson, not the make of car. In response, the automakers say they'll make sure dealers hire nicer people from now on, and put the sleazy salesmen on a job they're more qualified for anyway: selling car INSURANCE.

Malpractice Case
A man who says his doctors mangled his cancer treatments is suing for malpractice. The patient says excessive radiation therapy actually welded his prostate and colon together. He's suing for pain, suffering, and not knowing whether he's coming or going.

Newsday Alert!!!

Even while I'm on this little vacation, Newsday has honored me with another publication of a joke... I'm in there 4 weeks in a row now! See this latest link:
Newsday 8/14 Link


Bush Doll
A new action figure depicting President Bush as a jet fighter pilot is now available in stores. Anyone can buy the toy, but only Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and former Enron executives can pull the string on its back to make it talk.


Iraq Progress
President Bush is defending US operations in Iraq, saying the country is
slowly becoming the kind of free society Americans would recognize.
He's actually right, with random shootings, looting, and a devastated
economy, Iraq is looking more like Detroit every day!

Swiss Rave
Almost 1 million people came out for a massive "Rave" party in Zurich
Saturday. The crowd indulged in an alternative rock concert, body
painting, and the impromptu financing of a multi-national corporation.

College President Resigns
University of Tennessee president John Shumaker was forced out of office
amid growing questions about his outlandish spending which included
flights in private jets, shopping sprees, and paying his kids tuition at
the University of Tennessee

Utah Case
The ACLU is challenging a deal that gave the Mormon Church the right to
regulate behavior on a pedestrian block in Salt Lake City. The lawsuit
asks the court to give control of the block back to the city... which is
controlled by the Mormon Church

Older Drivers
A new report says we can expect more elderly drivers on the road in the
coming years. That's because more seniors live in the suburbs, public
transportation is shrinking, and the cost of prescription drugs is
forcing many old people to live in their cars.

Brazil Jailbreak
84 prisoners tunneled their way out of a maximum security prison in Rio
de Janeiro on Friday. So far 3 have been caught, the other 81 took a
quick look at the Brazilian economic situation and tunneled back to
their cells.

Friday, August 08, 2003

Today's News 8/11

Liberia Crisis
Several cities in Liberia are named for US presidents. Monrovia is named for James Monroe, Buchanan is for James Buchanan, and Bong Town is in honor of Bill Clinton.

There really IS such a place! See:
Liberia Map

Scam Artist Arrest
A Suffolk County court has convicted French native Christopher Rocancourt of conning several Long Islanders by posing as a person much richer than he was. If that's really a crime, the cops will now have to start rounding up everyone staying in the Hamptons this summer.

Three weeks in a row! Newsday printed two of my jokes in the weekly "Punchlines" column. Here's the link:
New Newsday Link


Vatican Secrets
Investigators have uncovered a 40-year old Vatican document that instructed dioceses all over the world to keep sexual misconduct in the Church a tight secret. The Church says it wasn't trying to protect priests from prosecution, but only wanted to keep them from being recruited by the Episcopalians.

Commuting Study
A new study says workers with difficult commutes often remain aggressive and irritable on the job. Experts say there's only one way for those people to feel better at work: adjust their daily route so they drive by the unemployment office.


Schwarzenegger Runs
Arnold Schwarzenegger's decision to enter the California recall election for governor is exciting Republicans. But the real winners are movie fans who should now be spared from having to sit through "Terminator 4."

Gary Coleman in the Race

Former child actor Gary Coleman is also a candidate in the recall election. Coleman says he's going to stay in the race, but will not campaign. Coleman should be good at that, since he's stayed in Hollywood for decades but hasn't done any real work in 17 years.

Mars Comes Closer
Later this month, the planet Mars will come closer to the Earth than it's been in almost 60,000 years, when Neanderthals dominated the Earth. Now they just dominate Congress.

Horse Cloning
Ethicists are protesting the cloning of a horse just completed by a group of Italian scientists. But their objections are not as strong as the millions of Americans demonstrating to prevent Hollywood from making a cheesy sequel to "Seabiscuit."


Cuban Comment

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban says the NBA is bound to get an economic boost from the Kobe Bryant case because, "people love to look at a train wreck"... but if that's true, how come nobody ever watches the LA Clippers?

Gift Rejection

Parents at a California elementary school are having second thoughts about accepting $15,000 in cash and supplies from Sheik Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan, who is accused of promoting Anti-Semitic and Anti-American views. Top children's books Al Nahyan is offering the school:

-Billy and his Lovable, Hugable SUV

-Madeline and the Infidel Nuns

-The Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and the Holocaust

-Curious George Blows up the Zoo

-Bob the Evil Israeli West Bank Settlement Builder

HealthSouth Award

Hospital giant HealthSouth says it awarded 250,000 stock options last year to Mariah Carey's ex-husband and producer, Thomas Mottola. The company says it had to find some way to repay Mottola for the thousands of people who rushed to its hospitals after seeing Carey's concert movie "Glitter."


Teen Poll
A new survey shows most American teens are spending a lot more time with their parents. That's because in this economy, they're all working weekends together at McDonald's.

Mideast Peace
Palestinians say Israel's construction of a huge fence along the border is destroying the value of their homes and farms. But the Arab leaders now say they'll lower the Israeli's property values even more by playing loud music all night and putting up some really ugly lawn furniture.


Gay Bishop
A final vote later today will decide if a New Hampshire clergyman will become the first openly gay elected bishop in the Episcopal Church. In a related story, the Methodist church is currently debating whether or not to ordain heterosexuals.

Big Picnic
The record for the world's largest picnic was broken Sunday when 1,325 people gathered in Manhattan's Bryant Park, near Times Square. The event was immediately followed by another record-breaking event: the world's largest public urination.

Shoptalk Link

Shoptalk Link #2

Newsday printed not one, but TWO of my jokes on July 31st! Here's the link:
Newsday 7/31 Link

Last week they printed one of my jokes at:
Newsday 7/24 Link