Today's News 8/11
Several cities in Liberia are named for US presidents. Monrovia is named for James Monroe, Buchanan is for James Buchanan, and Bong Town is in honor of Bill Clinton.
There really IS such a place! See:
Scam Artist Arrest
A Suffolk County court has convicted French native Christopher Rocancourt of conning several Long Islanders by posing as a person much richer than he was. If that's really a crime, the cops will now have to start rounding up everyone staying in the Hamptons this summer.
Three weeks in a row! Newsday printed two of my jokes in the weekly "Punchlines" column. Here's the link:
New Newsday Link
TODAY'S NEWS 8/8
Investigators have uncovered a 40-year old Vatican document that instructed dioceses all over the world to keep sexual misconduct in the Church a tight secret. The Church says it wasn't trying to protect priests from prosecution, but only wanted to keep them from being recruited by the Episcopalians.
A new study says workers with difficult commutes often remain aggressive and irritable on the job. Experts say there's only one way for those people to feel better at work: adjust their daily route so they drive by the unemployment office.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's decision to enter the California recall election for governor is exciting Republicans. But the real winners are movie fans who should now be spared from having to sit through "Terminator 4."
Gary Coleman in the Race
Former child actor Gary Coleman is also a candidate in the recall election. Coleman says he's going to stay in the race, but will not campaign. Coleman should be good at that, since he's stayed in Hollywood for decades but hasn't done any real work in 17 years.
Mars Comes Closer
Later this month, the planet Mars will come closer to the Earth than it's been in almost 60,000 years, when Neanderthals dominated the Earth. Now they just dominate Congress.
Ethicists are protesting the cloning of a horse just completed by a group of Italian scientists. But their objections are not as strong as the millions of Americans demonstrating to prevent Hollywood from making a cheesy sequel to "Seabiscuit."
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban says the NBA is bound to get an economic boost from the Kobe Bryant case because, "people love to look at a train wreck"... but if that's true, how come nobody ever watches the LA Clippers?
Parents at a California elementary school are having second thoughts about accepting $15,000 in cash and supplies from Sheik Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan, who is accused of promoting Anti-Semitic and Anti-American views. Top children's books Al Nahyan is offering the school:
-Billy and his Lovable, Hugable SUV
-Madeline and the Infidel Nuns
-The Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and the Holocaust
-Curious George Blows up the Zoo
-Bob the Evil Israeli West Bank Settlement Builder
Hospital giant HealthSouth says it awarded 250,000 stock options last year to Mariah Carey's ex-husband and producer, Thomas Mottola. The company says it had to find some way to repay Mottola for the thousands of people who rushed to its hospitals after seeing Carey's concert movie "Glitter."
A new survey shows most American teens are spending a lot more time with their parents. That's because in this economy, they're all working weekends together at McDonald's.
Palestinians say Israel's construction of a huge fence along the border is destroying the value of their homes and farms. But the Arab leaders now say they'll lower the Israeli's property values even more by playing loud music all night and putting up some really ugly lawn furniture.
A final vote later today will decide if a New Hampshire clergyman will become the first openly gay elected bishop in the Episcopal Church. In a related story, the Methodist church is currently debating whether or not to ordain heterosexuals.
The record for the world's largest picnic was broken Sunday when 1,325 people gathered in Manhattan's Bryant Park, near Times Square. The event was immediately followed by another record-breaking event: the world's largest public urination.
MORE GOOD NEWS! THE NEWS WEBSITE "SHOPTALK" IS STARTING TO RUN SOME OF MY STUFF. SEE THESE LINKS:
Shoptalk Link #2
Newsday printed not one, but TWO of my jokes on July 31st! Here's the link:
Newsday 7/31 Link
Last week they printed one of my jokes at:
Newsday 7/24 Link