Cheney Attack Reaction
Democrats in Congress are condemning the Taliban's attempt Monday to assassinate Vice President Cheney in Afghanistan. It's not that they didn't like the idea; they just wanted to be notified in advance so they could look concerned.


Stocks Come Back a Bit
After the 416-point selloff on the Dow, stocks rebounded a bit Wednesday. Experts say investors are still recovering from the shock of Anna Nicole Smith's death.




Charles on McDonald's
Prince Charles is suggesting that McDonald's be banned in order to improve eating habits worldwide. It's not clear if the Prince is really in favor of better nutrition, or whether this is a result of his longstanding political differences with Mayor McCheese.





Israeli Rape Case
Bedouin suspects in a serial rape case in Israel say they committed the crimes as revenge for actions by the Israeli army... although it's not clear how raping camels hurts the Israeli army.



Drug Dealing Principal
A middle school principal in Pennsylvania has been charged with dealing crystal meth. In his defense, the principal says he only sold drugs to the kids who had a hall pass.


Airbus Layoffs
Jet maker Airbus says it will cut 10,000 jobs over the next four years. The laid-off workers are expected to find new jobs handling the angry crowds at the JetBlue terminal at JFK airport.

Stocks Fall
The Dow Jones lost more than 400 points in trading Tuesday. It got so bad, Maria Bartiromo had to fly JetBlue.

Stocks Fall II
After stocks fell more than 400 points on Tuesday, the corporate world is snapping into action to lessen the damage... mostly by increasing the average CEO pay to $400 million per year.

Top 5 Reasons for the Dow Selloff

5) Traders still groggy from watching 4-hour Oscar show

4) All the major Wall Street brothels raised their fees

3) Major investors need to cash in stocks and start donating to all the presidential campaigns

2) Warren Buffett lost his wallet

1) Somebody finally realized that we don't actually make anything in this country anymore


Chinese Stock Slide
Stocks in China suffered a severe 9% drop earlier in the day... mostly based on rumors that Wal-Mart was planning on stocking an item that was actually made in America.


Shuttle Damage
A hailstorm damaged the space shuttle Atlantis' external fuel tank this week, and now NASA may have to postpone next month's launch. Repairing the damage actually won't take more than a few hours, the real delay will be waiting to hear from the insurance company.


Tobacco Tax Hikes
More than a dozen states are considering higher tobacco taxes this year to help pay the cost of health coverage for uninsured citizens. And some states are just forcing smokers to drive patients to and from all their doctor's appointments.


Hollywood Madam's Black Book
Police have finally unsealed the client list for so-called "Hollywood Super-Madam" Jody Gibson. The list of client services was actually found in three black books, titled "A-M, "N-Z," and "Charlie Sheen."



Self-Centered Collegians
A new report says today's college students suffer from too much self-esteem and are extremely narcissistic. That's bad news for parents, but good news for those guys selling personalized bongs.

Libby Juror Booted
A juror was dismissed from the Scooter Libby trial Monday after the court learned she had been exposed to information about the case over the weekend. In a very unfortunate coincidence, it turns out the juror just happened to tune into MSNBC during the 2 minutes that it wasn't covering the Anna Nicole Smith case.



"The Lost Tomb of Christ"
The Discovery Channel is set to air a documentary by "Titanic" director James Cameron that purportedly shows archaeological proof that Jesus had a son and also shows evidence that he never was resurrected. Cameron is following up this special with a film about how Moses was a pig farmer and another movie about Muhammad being gay.




Sharpton-Thurmond Link
Newly uncovered genealogical evidence shows that the Rev. Al Sharpton descended from slaves owned by the late Senator Strom Thurmond's ancestors. Historians were able to make this determination after finding pictures of a slave on the Thurmond plantation who was wearing a track suit and a pompadour.


Scorsese Finally Wins
After seven snubs, Martin Scorsese finally won the best picture and best director Oscars for "The Departed," making it clear that the Academy didn't like all of his previous movies because they were not bloody enough.

Scorsese Finally Wins II
After seven snubs, Martin Scorsese finally won the best picture and best director Oscars for "The Departed"... actually, most Americans still think he was snubbed since we all fell asleep about two hours before they finally gave out those awards.



Smarter Mice
A new study shows that lab mice got smarter after being fed a drug that strengthened brain circuits involved in learning and memory. The study had to be discontinued however, after the mice started to demand $7.15-an-hour and cigarette breaks.

Oscar Night
It's Oscar night in Hollywood. I haven't seen this many exposed boobs since they inaugurated the new Congress.

Oscar Competition
Tonight we'll find out who truly is Hollywood's favorite. It's a tight race between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

Best Actress
Penolope Cruz might have a chance to beat Helen Mirren for Best Actress tonight. Of course, she already deserves the award for pretending to be Tom Cruise's girlfriend for three years.


Duke Returns
The Duke men's lacrosse team made a triumphant return to the field Saturday with a win over visiting Dartmouth. But most lacrosse fans missed the game because it was only televised on Court TV.



Baghdad College Bombing
A suicide bomber killed at least 40 people and wounded 55 others when he detonated his explosive vest outside a college near Baghdad's Sadr city. For those of you who don't know, Sadr City U. is where they send the kids who can't get into Fresno State.

Top 5 Things Overheard at Sadr City University

5) "Saturday's Sunni-Shia mixer was a big success... only 5 murders!"

4) "You better be smuggling explosives in that keg, or you're on probation mister."

3) "Burka Raid!"

2) "I heard the Valedictorian gets a free bulletproof vest!"

1) "A mind is a terrible thing not to blow up"





Ahmadinejad on Nukes
While speaking about Iran's nuclear program Sunday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that "it is like a train ... with no brake and no reverse gear"... actually, he could have been talking about his mouth.



Jaguar Mauling
Police and zoo officials are investigating what led a 140-pound jaguar to maul a zookeeper to death in the doorway of its cage Saturday. Right now, they're working on the wild theory that maybe, just maybe... the animal didn't like being locked up a cage.



Poverty Study
A new study shows that the number of extremely impoverished Americans is at a three-decade high. It's getting so bad, now we're allowing illegal immigrants in from Mexico just so we can take their food.

Clinton on Geffen
Hillary Clinton's campaign staff says Barack Obama should cut ties with Dreamworks co-founder David Geffen, after he said that Senator Clinton was "ambitious" and "polarizing." The Clinton campaign just doesn't think any Democrat should be affiliated with people who tell the truth.


KFed's Concern
In the wake of Britney Spears' recent erratic behavior, Kevin Federline says he's very concerned about the welfare of his children... but not as concerned as he is about the welfare of all the porn tapes he left at Britney's house.



Iran Nukes
New reports show that Iran is expanding its nuclear program. Insiders say the Iranians are not trying to build weapons that kill not just Jews, but Christians too.



Don't Mess with Granny
A tour group of U.S. senior citizens fought off a band of muggers in eastern Costa Rica Thursday, sending two of the assailants fleeing and killing a third. This is what happens these days when you try to take prescription drugs away from the elderly.


Porn Vigilante
A Milwaukee man he broke into an apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a porn movie his neighbor was watching. Police say the man immediately apologized, and then asked to borrow the movie for the weekend.


Bless This Fish
Kentucky Fried Chicken is asking the Catholic Church to give its blessing to a new fish sandwich the chain is now offering. But the Vatican is declining the request, as its recent sex scandals have made it unwise to associate with anything known for being "Finger-Licking Good."

British Retreat
Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced plans to remove 1,500 British soldiers from Iraq by the end of the year. Blair is reducing the total troops levels to make it a little easier for tabloid photographers to find Prince Harry.

Top 5 Reasons for the Blair's Retreat from Iraq

5) Local police need more firepower to subdue soccer hooligans

4) Re-deploying troops to the Bahamas to protect Anna Nicole Smith's home

3) Need more troops to protect domestic food supply from Fergie

2) While the army's abroad, there are actually more Muslims in London than Christians

1) Needs at least 1,500 troops to protect him once he leaves office



Gates on Computer Time
Bill Gates said this week that he limits the amount of time his 10 year-old daughter can spend on the computer to 45 minutes a day for games. But he does allow her 5-6 hours a day to wait for the bugs to work out of Microsoft Vista.


"Happy" Victim
A Wisconsin man he fell 16 stories and survived says he is "thankful" he can't remember any of the details of his fall... not as happy as his insurance company is.



Gallaudet Threat
Education officials are warning that Gallaudet University, the only U.S. university for the deaf, may lose its accreditation because of a lack of tolerance on campus for varying views... which is only allowed at Ivy League universities.


Bill for Hill
It was speculated that if Hillary Clinton were elected President, her husband Bill would be appointed to serve out her expired Senate term. Oh great, then we'll have TWO sets of interns we'll need to look out for.


AIDS Cure?
Gambia's President Yahya Jammeh is claiming that his concoction of green herbal paste and bananas can cure AIDS. It sounds crazy, but Pfizer is having him killed just in case.

Britney in Rehab
Britney Spears has checked into a rehab clinic. But she will be disappointed when she finds out there is no therapy for having a bad haircut.



Tobacco Settlement Tossed
The Supreme Court has thrown out an $80 million civil ruling against tobacco giant Philip Morris. Now the only way to get rich quick is to claim you're the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby.



Satellite Merger
XM and Sirius have announced plans for a $13 billion merger. The two companies decided to join forces mostly because they believe Howard Stern just doesn't have enough money.



McCain On Rummy
Republican presidential candidate John McCain now says that Donald Rumsfeld was "one of the worst secretaries of defense in history." McCain is pledging to continue to courageoulsy bash Rumsfeld and others, as long as they have already left the Bush administration.


James Brown Body
Almost two months after his death, James Brown's body still has not been buried... and he also still dances better than any white man.


A-Rod Explains it All
New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez says he is no longer best friends with Derek Jeter, saying, "You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week and now you don't sleep over." Unfortunately for Rodriguez, his wife is actually sleeping over Derek Jeter's house 7 nights a week.



Robot Car
Stanford University engineers plan to have an unmanned robot car ready for use in urban traffic in less than a year. It's actually ready to go now, the scientists just have to teach the robot how to use its middle finger.

Remote Inventor Dies
Robert Adler, the co-inventor of the TV remote, died this week at the age of 93. His family will bury him as soon as they can remember which sofa cushion they left his body under.


Culture War Poll
A new poll shows that 56% of people do not believe that a "clash of civilizations" will lead to violent conflict between Islam and the West... leaving al Qaeda and Hezbollah leaders wondering what they have to do get noticed around here!


Bush Procedure
President Bush last Friday had two moles removed from his left temple, but it turns out they were not cancerous. The doctors who performed the procedure say they were misled by what turned out to be bogus CIA evidence.


Asteroid Approaches
A group of astronomers say an asteroid may come extremely close to Earth on April 13th, and that the U.N. should assume responsibility for a space mission to deflect it. So, I guess those astronomers WANT us all to die.


Dead Dolphins
According to federal records, eleven of 16 dolphins housed at The Mirage's Dolphin Habitat in Las Vegas have died since 1990. Vegas police are looking into reports that some of the deaths may be related to the dolphins' huge gambling debts.


Sly Stopped
Sylvester Stallone was detained for hours on arrival at the Sydney Airport last week after officials found prohibited imports in his luggage. It's good to know there's one country in the world civilized enough to ban all copies of Rocky V.

Prince Harry to Iraq
Britain's Prince Harry is expected to be deployed to Iraq any day now with his military unit. He's expected to be an extremely effective soldier, since he's been told the insurgents are actually tabloid photographers.

Prince Harry to Iraq II
Britain's Prince Harry is expected to be deployed to Iraq any day now with his military unit. Hopefully, he'll leave his Nazi uniform at home.



Britney Goes Bald
Britney Spears has shocked her fans once again by shaving her head. But judging by some of those scandalous tabloid pictures I saw of her recently, that's not really the part of her body that needed the shaving.

Top 5 Reasons Britney Shaved Her Head

5) Now she won't have to hold her hair back when she barfs every night

4) Had to get rid of all those fleas she got from Kevin Federline

3) It was the best way to stop getting her gum stuck in her hair every day

2) Now that her kids don't recognize her, she doesn't even have to pretend to take care of them anymore!

1) All that hair distracted her brain from thinking



Reid on Iraq
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid now says the war in Iraq is an even bigger mistake than Vietnam. But we won't really know how big a mistake the Iraq war is until Oliver Stone makes some movies about it.




Presidents Day
Monday is Presidents Day. To make sure that all Americans learn the true meaning of the holiday, President Bush is bombing the shopping malls.


Presidents Day II
Monday is Presidents Day. Democrats in Congress are marking Washington and Lincoln's birthdays by proposing a non-binding resolution against lying.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday




Hamas Leaders Step Down
Members of Hamas' ruling cabinet resigned today to make way for a new coalition with Fatah. Like all retiring Hamas leaders, they each will receive a lucrative severance package known as the "golden grenade."

Each of the Hamas leaders used the standard excuse for stepping down: they want to "spend more time killing somebody else's family."



Anna Nicole Case Latest
A Florida judge is ruling on numerous requests in the Anna Nicole Smith case. He's considering petitions from 5 people who want custody of the body, 3 lawyers who want DNA samples, and two guys who just want to cop a feel.



Obama's Watchdogs
Presidential candidate Barack Obama says he wants help as he tries to quit smoking, and is asking people to inform his wife if they catch him lighting up on the campaign trail. They should also inform his wife if he does anything else crazy, like come up with an actual position on something.



Stowaway Squirrel
An American Airlines flight made an unscheduled landing Wednesday after the pilots found a squirrel in the cockpit. The squirrel has no known links to al Qaeda, but it is being interrogated at Guatanamo Bay just in case.

American Airlines says it decided to land the plane, not so much because the squirrel was dangerous, but because it was carrying a pair of nail clippers.




Freelance Unions
Thousands of non-permanent American workers are joining freelancers unions in hopes of gaining health coverage and other benefits. So in order to continue cheating those workers out of what they deserve, management is now just classifying all freelancers as "illegal aliens."

State Farm Disses Mississippi

Executives at State Farm have decided they will no longer offer any policies in Mississippi... which is a shame, since that's the only company that still provides outhouse insurance.

Sadr in Iran

The U.S. military says Iraqi Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr is now in Iran... although it's not clear if he's hiding from the Americans or just early for the next Holocaust denial conference.

Daimler to Sell Chrysler?
Daimler is considering selling Chrysler after buying the company just nine years ago. The only trouble is, there isn't anyone as stupid now as Daimler was when it bought the company nine years ago.

Al Qaeda Directive
Al Qaeda is calling for attacks on U.S. oil companies all over the world... oh wait, sorry that call actually came from the Democrats in Congress.

Top 5 Worst Valentine's Day Gifts to Give Your Woman

5) Body care products... like deodorant

4) Surprise weekend getaway... to North Korea

3) Some old underwear your last girlfriend left in your apartment

2) Tuna fish-scented body oil

1) An actual heart

Anna Nicole Ruling

A Florida judge has ordered that Anna Nicole Smith's body cannot be buried. However, he did rule that it could be embalmed, frozen, or used as a flotation device.

Libby Trial Strategy

As the defense continues its case in the Scooter Libby trial, his lawyers are portraying him as a man with a bad memory. And to prove it, they showed pictures of Libby agreeing to go hunting with Dick Cheney just last week.

Lebanon Attacks

Three civilians were killed and 19 wounded in two terrorist bus bombings in Lebanon Tuesday... but since the Israelis didn't have anything to do with it, no one in the world is going to pay any attention.

Monkey Tools

Chimpanzees may have been using stone "hammers" as long as 4,300 years ago according to an international team of archaeologists. It's not clear if we humans started using hammers before the chimps, or if we simply waited until they went on sale at Home Depot.

Utah Mall Shooting

An 18-year-old man opened fire in a Salt Lake City mall Monday, killing five people before shooting himself. Police are still looking for a motive in the case, but it looks like it might have something to do with his being embarrassed about getting caught shopping at Bath & Body Works.

Harvard Grads
A new survey shows that 13% of the Harvard Law School class of 2006 is now working in hedge funds, where their average salary is $289,000 per year. The other 87% are working on one or more of the cases involving Anna Nicole Smith.

North Korea Deal Details

Under the new deal worked out with the U.N., North Korea now has 60 days to shut down its nuclear complex and readmit nuclear inspectors. In return, it will get the vital supplies it's been demanding including 50,000 tons of fuel, $2.2 million in financial aid, and 2.3 million rolls of toilet paper.

Nap Research

New research shows that taking a short nap every afternoon at work helps reduce the risk for heart disease... unless you choose to take your nap with the boss's secretary.

Dolphin Patrol

The U.S. Navy is training dozens of dolphins and sea lions to detect and apprehend waterborne attackers near a base in Washington state. The Navy says training the animals is easy, the hard part is trying to find out which ones are gay.

Iranian Weapons
The U.S. continues to insist that Iranian-made and supplied weapons have led to the deaths of 170 servicemen in Iraq. The other 2,230 were killed by substandard meals supplies by Halliburton.

North Korea Deal

North Korea has tentatively agreed to close down its nuclear weapons program in exchange for energy aid. They realized that having nuclear weapons labs means nothing if you can't afford to heat the building.

Top 10 Mascots at the Arab Disney World

10) Sleeping Burka

9) Israeli Pirates of the Mediterranean

8) The Little Mullah

7) Bob the Evil West Bank Settlement Builder

6) The Mickey Mouse Club, AKA the Arab League

5) Princess Petroleum

4) Pinocchio, the Al Jazeera Correspondent

3) 101 U.N. Resolutions

2) Alice in Talibanland

1) Mustafa: The Lion Dictator

Anna's Battles
In addition to the paternity battle over the late Anna Nicole Smith's daughter, there's also a legal dispute over the Bahamas mansion where she lived during her final months. And just today, some guys from the plastic surgeon's office tried to repo her last set of breast implants.

Heavy Snow
People in the upstate New York town of Oswego are hoping for a break in the weather after more than 115 inches of snow has fallen in the last several days. But you know, I've been to Oswego and believe me, it looks a lot better covered in snow.

Iran Evidence

The U.S. military presented evidence Sunday that shows Iran is behind bombings that have killed at least 170 U.S. troops in Iraq. But no one in America is likely to care unless the military can also prove the Iranians killed Anna Nicole Smith.

Iran Evidence II

Iran's foreign minsiter says the U.S. has "obviously fabricated" the evidence against his country. But that's impossible since Scooter Libby has been too busy with his trial.

Home Depot CEO

In response to investor outrage, Home Depot says its new CEO will be paid a fraction of his predecessor's salary. But other big businesses say paying less will only produce less-qualified workers, which is why they also strongly support raising the minimum wage. Oh wait, they're against that... NEVERMIND!

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!!!



As usual, I'll be doing some of my material live on the John Lightning Radio Show, (that's a picture of him at his real job on the Metro North Railroad), at 9pm Eastern Time. To find out how you can listen, click here: Johnny Lightning



New Harvard President
Harvard University is reportedly about to name Drew Gilpin Faust to be its new president, making her the first woman to lead the school in its 371-year history. The trustees are hoping Faust will restore stability to the university, while most of the male students and professors are just hoping she'll teach them how to kiss a girl.

Anna Nicole Latest
The autopsy on Anna Nicole Smith's body has begun. That would explain that very loud hissing sound emanating from Florida.

CNN is planning another night of 'round-the-clock coverage of the Anna Nicole Smith story, beginning with Paula Zahn Now, going into Larry King Live, and finishing up with Anderson Cooper 360DD.

ANNA NICOLE SMITH 1967-2007


Anna Nicole Smith was found dead Thursday in Florida... doctors are blaming a lethal combination of Twinkies and Old Milwaukee.

Anna Nicole Smith was found dead Thursday in Florida. A 38DD bra will be flown at half-staff above the U.S. Capitol for the next 30 days.

A state funeral has been ordered for Anna Nicole Smith... mostly because the Capitol Dome is the only building in America that can accommodate her breasts in a vertical position.

Anna Nicole Smith's death has plunged the nation in deep mourning and guilt over the fact that most of us have been wasting our time obsessing about silly things like the war in Iraq.

Police have no official suspects in Anna Nicole Smith's death, but there are reports that astronaut Lisa Nowak was seen running from her hotel room with a loaded diaper.



Gay NBA Star
Former NBA star John Amaechi reveals in his new autobiography he is gay and played for almost 10 years without his secret being exposed. Apparently sweating and showering with eleven other guys every night is the best way to keep your sexuality a secret.



New Harvard Curriculum
Harvard University has announced a major curriculum overhaul aimed at overcoming American "parochialism." Of course the best way to combat parochialism is to go to a university that only accepts people with perfect SAT's and who can afford $40,000-a-year for tuition.



Iranian Threat
Iranian supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei said Thursday that if the U.S. were to attack Iran, the country would respond by striking American interests all over the world. But now that Anna Nicole is dead, there's nothing that important left to attack.



Women and Sweat
New research has found that women who sniffed a chemical found in male sweat experienced higher sexual arousal, faster heart rates, and other effects... I may never shower again.



Spacewalk
Two astronauts on the International Space Station made a spacewalk Thursday to remove two thermal covers from the structure. Actually, only one astronaut was supposed to go, but the other astronaut was stalking him.


Cleanliness 101
Some Malaysian colleges may soon offer courses on how to keep public restrooms clean. Based on the condition of most public bathrooms, I think this should be at least a graduate course




Top 10 Real Palestinian Objections to Archaeological Restoration in Jerusalem

10) All that digging is bound to unearth all their hidden weapons

9) If the Israelis restore things, how can we complain that it's broken?

8) None of those newly-discovered ancient texts ever say anything good about suicide bombing

7) Like distorting history isn't hard enough already

6) Protest first, explain later

5) Artifacts like ancient pots and pans make Palestinians long for the "luxury" items their leaders can't provide... like pots and pans

4) They oppose any Israeli activities beyond the internationally-accepted borders of 6,700 BCE

3) Shovels are much better used for honor killings

2) Foreign archaeologists aren't as fun to behead as foreign journalists

1) History isn't for discovering; it's for destroying!

Ancient Lovers
Archaeologists in Italy have uncovered two skeletons embracing each other that they believe are the remains of young lovers from 5,000 years ago. Alongside the woman, crews found arrowheads, a knife, and the adult-sized diapers the female wore while hunting down the other woman the man was dating.





Pedestrian Rules
New York City is considering banning pedestrians from using their cellphones or iPods while crossing the street. I know that sounds like a good idea... but if you take away all the pedestrians' gizmos, what fun will it be to hit them with your car?




Child Porn Ring
Police throughout the world said Wednesday that they had uncovered the largest international child pornography ring of all time... otherwise known as the "Catholic Church."




Army Indictments
A grand jury has indicted three Army Reserve officers and two civilians on charges they stole more than $8.6 million in Iraqi reconstruction funds. If they had stolen $8.6 billion dollars, they would have been offered executive positions at Halliburton.



Haggard Straightened Out
The Reverend Ted Haggard, who was forced out of his church after having an affair with a male prostitute, has been declared "completely heterosexual" by a group of church elders after attending a counseling program... he just needs to steer clear of Lance Bass, Tom Cruise, and Mark Foley during the remainder of his 90-day probation period.




North Dakota Marijuana Farming
North Dakota has issued the nation's first licenses to grow industrial hemp to two farmers. Hey, it's -19 degrees in North Dakota right now, how the Hell else are you going to get anyone to want to live there?



Naked Sundays
While appearing on the Ellen DeGeneres show, Christina Aguilera revealed that she and her husband have "naked Sundays," where they do everything naked, including cooking. I guess that's okay, as long as they wear full-body hairnets.



New Uniform
The U.S. Army is phasing in a new combat uniform that is wrinkle-free... because if there's one thing our troops hate to do in the middle of battle, it's ironing.



British Letter Bombs
For the third straight day, a letter bomb has exploded at a British Vehicle Licensing Agency office. Police are having a hard time finding any leads, because the bombs were mailed via internal agency mail... and that means they were probably originally sent about 13 years ago.

Nowak Still an Astronaut
Despite the fact that she's been charged with attempted murder, NASA says Lisa Nowak is still an "active astronaut"... mostly because anyone able to drive for 12 straight hours in a urine-soaked diaper definitely has the right stuff.


The Bright Side
Lisa Nowak's arrest on charges she tried to kill her would-be lover's girlfriend is a dark moment in our nation's history. On the bright side, Depends Undergarments has now discovered the wholly untapped market of deluded, jealous lovers to go along with their usual crop of incontinent senior citizens.


To 5 Signs Your Astronaut Wife is Cheating on You

5) She claims all those late-night phone calls are from "mission control!"

4) Her hair is always messed up... even on days when she isn't experiencing zero gravity

3) There are 230 million unexplained miles on her car odometer

2) During sex, she constantly complains about "forced re-entry"

1) She's poisoning your Tang



Easy-Bake Recall
Toymaker Hasbro has recalled 985,000 Easy-Bake toy ovens after finding that kids' hands and fingers can get caught in the oven's opening, thereby posing serious risk of burns. That's all well and good, but how the Hell are all the single men in America going to make dinner now?



Bush Budget
President Bush has introduced a $2.9 trillion budget that he says will wipe out the deficit in five years... but to do that, we'll need to borrow $2.9 trillion.



KKK Comeback
A new report shows that the Ku Klux Klan is enjoying a resurgence because of growing concerns about illegal immigration. Also, the Klan is saving big bucks by outsourcing most of its cross burning work to Mexico.



Newsom Quits Drinking
Less than a week after admitting to an affair with his campaign manager's wife, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom announced that he had stopped drinking and would seek counseling for alcohol abuse. But quitting drinking will only stop him from screwing ugly women.

Resolution Debate
The Senate continues to debate a nonbinding resolution that "disagrees" with President Bush's plan to send more troops to Iraq. But there already is a document that disagrees with President Bush and has no real effect; it's called "The New York Times."



Super Bowl Rain
Sunday's Super Bowl marked the first time the game was played in the rain. It was the also the first time the corporate snobs who were at the game had been physically inconvenienced in a decade.




Peyton's Priority
Sunday's Super Bowl victory means Peyton Manning can finally stop worrying about adding a world title to his stellar resume. Now, he can focus on less important things; like learning how to read.




Paying the Fine
TimeWarner has agreed to pay $2 million to the city of Boston for the Cartoon Network advertising campaign that caused a widespread bomb scare. Most of the money will be spent on giving the guys who pulled the stunt a bath and a haircut.



Muslim Prayer for Peace
Over 3 million Muslim devotees in Bangladesh raised their hands Sunday in prayer for global peace. Then, as is the custom in that country, they all drowned in a sudden flood.



Saudi Justice
A Saudi Arabian judge sentenced 20 foreigners to receive lashes and spend months in prison after he convicted them of attending a party where alcohol was served and men and women danced. The foreigners would have actually received the same treatment here in the U.S., because they were all visiting students from Bob Jones University.



Trotter Probe
A New York State grand jury is probing allegations of harness-race fixing at Saratoga Raceway, specifically that horses were drugged with painkilling snake venom and an energy-boosting drug. Investigators became suspicious when they saw Barry Bonds hanging around the stables every weekend.

HUMOROUS NEWSDAY EDITORIAL ALERT!! When December turned out to be very warm, my local gas company decided to make me pay for it. I didn't get mad, I got funny. Check out my editorial all about in Newsday and Newsday.com today! Here's the link: NEWSDAY




Top 5 Worst Things to be on Super Bowl Sunday


5) Emergency room doctor

4) Sports bar barf mopper

3) Stadium security body cavity searcher

2) ELI Manning

1) Marriage counselor




Church Goes On
Members of the Church of God in Lady Lake, Florida, held their morning worship service Sunday amid the remnants of their sanctuary that was leveled by Friday's tornado. They gathered to ask God for strength, guidance, and why he couldn't have hit the Presbyterian Church across the damn street instead!




Palestinian Feuds
The fierce internal clashes among Palestinian factions has many worried that the bloodshed is damaging the Palestinian case before the world. I agree. Come on guys, you have to stay together, you know... for the children.


Palestinian Feuds II
The fierce internal clashes among Palestinian factions has many worried that the bloodshed is damaging the Palestinian case before the world. Yeah, nobody likes terrorists who can't get along.




O'Connor Interview
In a new interview, retired Justice Sandra Day O'Connor says she would have preferred to stay on the Supreme Court for several more years, but stepped down because of her ailing husband... well that, and the fact that Clarence Thomas kept trying to look up her robes.




Cell Phone Rage
A Missouri man has been arrested for shoving a cellphone down his girlfriend's throat. If that guy would show me how to do that to people at my local movie theater, I'll bail him out right now!

Party Atmosphere
Miami is filled with tens of thousands of drunken and loud people this weekend. I'm not sure if it's for the Super Bowl or if Castro just died.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday


Boston Stunt
Two men have been arrested in connection with Wednesday's "guerilla marketing" scare in Boston. The Cartoon Network is apologizing for the incident, explaining that it wanted to hire more responsible people for the job, but Cheech and Chong were unavailable.


Boston Stunt II
The two men arrested for the "guerilla marketing" scare in Boston spent most of their news conference Thursday making jokes. However, they did have one serious moment when they openly complained about how the Cartoon Network health plan makes them cough up a $30 co-pay for medicinal marijuana.


Top 5 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Guys for Your Ad Campaign

5) They insist on being paid with Taco Bell gift certificates

4) They ask you not to call their office before 10PM

3) All their advertising proposals smell like incense

2) Their other job is PR directors for the Joe Biden campaign

1) When you say "guerilla marketing" they ask why you're trying to sell apes



Newsom Admission
San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom has admitted to having an affair with his campaign manager's wife. Wow... he really IS against heterosexual marriage.


Newsom Admission II
Newsom says he will now turn his attention to "working aggressively to advance his serious goals"... which include sleeping with every other woman in the city.



Oscar Writers
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is offering the services of three writers to help Oscar nominees with their speeches... they've just been fired from the Joe Biden campaign.



Big Baby
A woman in Cancun gave birth this week to a 14.5 pound baby boy... giving a whole new meaning to the term: "Spring Break."