Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Bush on the Floor
President Bush made a surprise visit to the New York Stock Exchange Wednesday. But as soon as he left, the trading floor erupted in sectarian violence.

Document Turnover
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales now says he will finally deliver to Congress secret documents detailing the government's domestic phone-tapping program. Gonzales says the delay in the records turnover was mostly because he couldn't get in touch with a real person at Verizon customer service.

Love on Idol?
Courtney Love says the producers of American Idol have asked her to appear on the show as a guest judge. The show was able to contact her through the pusher she shares with Paula Abdul.

KFed says "NO!"
Kevin Federline has turned down a $25 million divorce settlement from Britney Spears because she is demanding that he also give up custody of their children. He's demanding that Britney take custody of all his other kids too.

Top 10 Facts that Could End Evangelical Support for Israel

10) Israel has no country music radio station

9) Hebrew versions of the "Left Behind" series don't have any pictures

8) Failed NASCAR event through the streets of old Jerusalem saw average speeds of 25 KPH

7) You gotta admit those Hamas dudes blow things up real good

6) Israeli grits taste too much like hummus

5) The Church of the Holy Sepulchre gift shop does not sell cowboy boots

4) Several female members of the Knesset kind of look like the Dixie Chicks

3) There is no Hebrew equivalent to the term "Hee Haw!"

2) Total Israeli donations to Oral Roberts in fiscal 2006 were 2 dollars and 15 cents

1) All those guys with beards and hats are not actually fans of ZZ Top

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Stonehenge Find
Archaeologists have just uncovered some kind of an ancient human settlement near Stonehenge in England. Some experts believe this may have been a village for workers or festival-goers near the site, but it was most probably the first-ever tourist trap gift shop.

White House vs. the Media
The White House is continuing to blast the news media for reporting bad news from Iraq and "talking the American people into defeat." Members of the news media will respond to those accusations just as soon as they finish the round-the-clock reporting on Tyra Banks' weight.

Bonds Contract
Barry Bonds has signed a one-year contract extension with the San Francisco Giants for $15.8 million. That should be just enough to cover his co-pays for a season's worth of steroid prescriptions.

Iran in Iraq
Iran has outlined a plan to open an Iranian national bank branch in Baghdad. The bank will feature ATM's that dispense explosives 24 hours a day.

Charles in Harlem
Prince Charles was in New York City this past weekend and spent time in Harlem where the he played basketball. Afterwards, the Prince promised to keep in touch with all his "jolly good new homies."

When the Levee Breaks...
The Army Corps of Engineers has just identified 146 levees nationwide that it says pose an unacceptable risk of failing in a major flood. Vice President Cheney is calling the report "hogwash," and "a major blow to morale in our war against hurricanes."

U.N. Nuclear Plan
The head of the International Atomic Energy Agency has called for a "time-out" under which Iran's nuclear program and U.N. sanctions both would be suspended. His other plan is to send everyone to bed without dinner.

T.R. Leaving?
Grey's Anatomy star TR Knight, who was called a "faggot" by co-star Isaiah Washington, is "so upset about the situation and so disgusted by how it was all handled," that he is planning to leave the show. And that would be the best way to prove that gay men aren't overly emotional.

Bush vs. Crime
The Bush administration is proposing a $200 million program to respond to surging rape and murder rates in cities across the nation. The Bush plan basically offers major tax breaks to criminals who stop raping and murdering for a year or more.

Endangered Species
Federal wildlife officials say the gray wolf, which was hunted to near-extinction in the 20th century, can now be taken off the endangered species list. It's spot will now be taken by the shrinking species known as the "real journalist."

Michael bin Jackson?
Jermaine Jackson said on Monday that he wants his brother Michael to convert to Islam... because everyone knows that's the best way to restore your shattered reputation in America today.

Elderly Winner
An 84 year-old St. Louis man has won 254 million dollars in the Powerball lottery. With that kind of money, he should be able to get his own bathroom in the nursing home.

Reality Show Canceled
The CBS reality series "Armed and Famous" that followed celebrities who were serving as reserve police officers in Muncie, Indiana, has been canceled after 4 episodes. That was because most of the crimes in Muncie were being committed by the cast of "Armed and Famous."

Crazy Shrink
An Australian psychologist charged with assaulting a patient told a court on Tuesday that forcing his female patient to wear a dog collar and call him "master" was within a psychologist's ethical guidelines. Actually, it was slightly less degrading than having to pay his monthly bill.

Barbaro Gone
Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro lost his battle to stay alive and was put to sleep Monday. For those of you at OTB who had January 29th as his date of death, the event pays $12.90, $9.70, and $7.50 respectively.

Fleischer vs. Libby
In the CIA leak trial, former White House press secretary Ari Fleischer contradicted Scooter Libby's account as to when the defendant first learned that the wife of a prominent war critic worked at the CIA. This is actually good news for Libby's defense, since as a White House spokesman Fleischer is known to be someone who lies for a living.

New Pastry Chef
The new pastry chef at the White House is also the co-author of the book, Desserts for Dummies. Talk about being perfectly qualified!

Child Molester Sentence
A man who prosecutors say is one of the nation's most prolific child molesters was sentenced 150 years in prison Monday. I'm not so sure that's such a good idea... I mean after 150 years, EVERYONE is going to seem like a child to him!

Bush Warns Iran
President Bush says the U.S. will respond with severe military measures if Iran continues to interfere with our attempts at victory in Iraq. Geez, if that's what he plans to do to Iran, just think what he has in store for CBS News.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Beirut U. Riots Over
Relative calm has returned to Beirut after violent protests in and around Beirut University. In the Middle East, people carrying guns and explosives are called "university students," and in the U.S. people carrying guns and explosives are called "junior high school students."

College Attack
About 10 football players at a Quaker college in North Carolina are accused of badly beating three Palestinian students last weekend. The cops are baffled, and even the world's Arab groups can't figure out how blame this one on the Jews.

Hillary Grilled
During her first presidential campaign visit to Iowa this weekend, Hillary Clinton called on President Bush to withdraw from Iraq by 2009. But to win the election, she's going to need Bill Clinton to withdraw from all other women by 2008.

Little's Big Gig
Comedian Rich Little will headline the White House Correspondents dinner this year. Insiders say he was hired because the organizers didn't want someone making fun of President Bush, and that's guaranteed since Little hasn't been funny since Ronald Reagan was in the White House.


As usual, I'll be doing some of my material live on the John Lightning Radio Show, (that's a picture of him at his real job on the Metro North Railroad), at 9pm Eastern Time. To find out how you can listen, click here: Johnny Lightning

Key Verses in the Revised & Updated Book of Exodus

10) "The children of Israel were fruitful and swarmed the land, so Egypt started giving out free condoms in public schools"

9) "A wicked new king arose over Egypt who did not know Joseph, and never even heard of AIPAC."

8) "And Pharoah enslaved the Hebrews, mostly because he couldn't find any cheap illegal immigrants."

7) " Moses was taken from his basket in the Nile, and adopted by Angelina Jolie."

6) "Then Moses saw an Egyptian taskmaster striking a Hebrew slave, so he called Amnesty International."

5) "Moses married the Cushite woman Zipporah, giving his mother an instant heart attack."

4) "The children of Israel cried out to God in their enslavement, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, and the union labor contract he signed in 2387 BCE."

3) "Behold the bush was burning with fire, but it was not consumed, so Moses figured it was one of those cheap plastic Christmas trees."

2) "And the Lord told Moses to remove his shoes, for He had just vacuumed."

1) "And Moses said: '"I beseech You, O Lord. I am not a man of words.' So God sent him the publicist Howard Rubenstein."

Thursday, January 25, 2007

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

Lebanese Riots
Pro-Hezbollah groups have started riots in and around Beirut University in Lebanon. To see that kind of rioting at an American university, the school has to win the Rose Bowl.

Top 10 Pro-Hezbollah Student Demands

10) Make "Jew-Hating 101" a 4-credit course

9) Separate Sunni-Shia seating at the Beirut University football stadium

8) Invite that burka-wearing sorority to the homecoming mixer next year

7) Make tuition payable in bullets

6) Allow male students to kill all non-burka wearing sororities at the homecoming mixer next year

5) No homework on nights when "24" is on TV

4) Four Words: "Spring Break: Sadr City!"

3) Guarantee a 4.0 GPA to everyone whose roommate becomes a suicide bomber

2) Offer full-ride scholarship to every high school student that knows how to fire a Katyusha rocket

1) Move all the nuclear physics classes to Tehran

Ford Record Loss
Ford Motor Company lost a record $12.7 billion last year. But the company is assuring shareholders that it probably just left that money in its other pants.

Ford Record Loss II
Ford Motor Company lost a record $12.7 billion last year. I thought you could only lose that kind of money by fighting a war in Iraq.

Libby Trial
Scooter Libby’s lawyers say he felt abandoned and ignored by the White House as the leak investigation intensified. Well, that's what happens when you spend too much in New Orleans.

Cheney vs. Wolf
During an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, Vice President Dick Cheney said that calling the war in Iraq a "failure" was "hogwash." That's true, it really should be referred to as a "miserable failure."

NBC Treasurer Arrested
The former treasurer of NBC has been charged with bilking the network out of $800,000, taking unauthorized trips on the corporate jet, and taking all the jokes away from Saturday Night Live.

NBC Treasurer Arrested II
The former treasurer of NBC has been charged with bilking the network out of $800,000, taking unauthorized trips on the corporate jet, and taking all the big money suitcases on Deal or No Deal.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Kerry Out
Senator John Kerry announced Wednesday that he will not join the campaign for president in 2008. That's good, because he didn't really campaign for president in 2004 either.

Kerry says he's not running for president so he can focus his time on more important matters... like learning how to tell a joke.

Hillary's Strategy
Political insiders say Hillary Clinton will use many of the same campaign techniques her husband Bill used to win over voters. Except in her case, she won't be trying to sleep with them.

Internet Threat
Chinese Communist Party chief Hu Jintao has vowed to "purify" the Web. How surprised he'll be when he finds he can't run over the Internet with a tank.

Washington's Apology
Grey's Anatomy star Isaiah Washington says he has entered a "treatment facility" to deal with whatever caused his use of a homophobic slur on the set. And by "treatment facility," he means he's going to the bank to see all the money he's going to lose if he gets kicked off a hit show.

Phony Reporter
A New York Mets fan who posed as a reporter to meet players pleaded guilty and won't be going to jail. But he will be sent to cover the Kansas City Royals, who have been posing as a professional baseball team for 12 years.

Merkel at Davos
German Prime Minister Angela Merkel used the keynote address at the ongoing Davos business conference to warn against isolationism... at least that's what I think she said; I couldn't get past the armed guards surrounding the meeting hall.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

State of the Union

President Bush delivered the State of the Union address Tuesday night. To provide the correct balance, the Democratic rebuttal was delivered by somebody sane.

Bush Approval
As he delivered his State of the Union address Tuesday night, President Bush's approval ratings were at an all-time low. The only person on TV who's less popular right now is the weatherman.

Gas Consumption
During the State of the Union address, President Bush called for a 20% reduction on American gasoline consumption by 2017. This is actually the President's way of letting the oil companies know they need to make bigger campaign donations.

Other Goals
On other topics, Bush proposed a balanced federal budget by 2012 and for members of Congress to cut pet projects from spending bills. Then he proposed a tax cut for sugar plum fairies.

Katsav Indictment
Israel's attorney general plans to indict the country's president, Moshe Katsav, on charges of rape and other sexual offenses. Affidavits in the case show that Katsav was able to put most of his victims at ease by assuring them that his unwanted advances were "just ceremonial."

Despite years of poor sales and stock performance, newly-fired GAP CEO Paul Pressler is getting a $14 million severance package. I wonder how many sweaters an employee has to fold at the GAP before you can earn $14 million?

Macao #1
The city of Macao, just 64 miles west of Hong Kong, has surpassed Las Vegas to become the world’s biggest gambling center. Does this mean we can outsource Celine Dion to China?

Pensions Lost
The House has passed a bill stripping pension benefits from several former Congressmen convicted of felonies. Meanwhile, the current Congressmen committing felonies got a pay raise.