Senate Health Care Deal
Reports say a bipartisan group of Senators has made a deal on health care reform. Both sides agreed to vote for the bill as long as no one insists on actually reading it.B of A Branch Closings
Bank of America is closing about 600 branches. The way the bank has been going, it will probably forget to take all the money out of the vaults first.Buy Michigan
This is "Buy Michigan" week, and the state is offering buyers some great deals like summer homes for less than $100,000, blueberries for $2.00 a pound, and retired UAW workers for just $500,000 in pensions and benefits for a year!COPS Program Cash
The federal government will announce today which cities will be getting a piece of a new $1 billion fund for law enforcement. Most of the money will go to help the police departments President Obama thinks are stupid.MJ Doctor Accused
Investigators say Michael Jackson's personal doctor, Conrad Murray, administered the powerful drug that killed the singer. Even more shocking is the fact that Murray didn't charge him a co-pay. July 28th1540:
Thomas Cromwell is executed at the order of Henry VIII. Henry marries his fifth wife, Catherine Howard, on the same day. Howard decides she'll put out after all.1865:
Confederate troops make a third unsuccessful attempt to drive Union forces from Atlanta, Georgia. On their fourth try, they plan to bore the North to death with Atlanta Braves games.1868:
The 14th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States is passed, establishing African-American citizenship and guaranteeing due process of law... unless you're a cop who arrests a black professor from Havard. 1896:
The city of Miami, Florida is incorporated. Local vendors immediatley begin to rip off tourists from New York.2005:
The Irish Republican Army calls an end to its 30-year armed campaign in Northern Ireland. U2 now has nothing worth singing about.
AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE!!! CNN's Rick Sanchez is back in the news, so remember this from April of 2006?
IF CNN's Rick Sanchez had Reported on the Major Stories of the 20th Century:
Crash of 1929
"Folks, If you're walking around Wall Street right now, look out for lots of executives jumping out of windows... Seriously, this could be very dangerous."
"Well, I hate to burst your balloon... but we have a terrible disaster to tell you about this morning. HAHAHA"
"They say loose lips sink ships... so I guess someone did a lot of talking... HAHAHA!"
"There's only one word for that kind of blast: 'wow'... just 'wow.'"
"Okay, let's slow down the Zapruder film just at the point where the bullet hits the President's head... YEOW!! You know that had to hurt!"
"Boy, there's only one thing that could top this Daryn... man landing on the Sun."
"You know what's funny Daryn?... I saw 'Deep Throat' like 6 times and I never saw anything that the President should resign over."
Israel-Egypt Peace Treaty
"Well, we finally did it... we'll never have to worry about Arab-Israeli violence again!"
"You know what I can't get out of my mind Daryn?... You know that teacher subbing for Christa McCauliffe is probably thinking: 'Man, that could have been me!"
"Let's not jump to conclusions about who's to blame here, Daryn... but my money is on those crazy Arabs"
"I guess 'Deep Throat' struck again, huh? HAHAHA"
"Let's not jump to conclusions about who's to blame here, Daryn... but my money is on Timothy McVeigh"
More "If CNN's Rick Sanchez Covered the Big Events of the 20th Century"
"Well, I for one am not upset. I could never spell "Czar" correctly anyway. HAHAHAHA!"
"Of course this is good news, Daryn. But you want to know what I'm worrying about right now... what are we gonna do with all those extra atomic bombs?"
Sound Barrier Broken
"With all due respect to Chuck Yeager... I think my kids break the sound barrier every night when they play those Dizzy Gillespie records. HAHAHAHAHA!"
State of Israel Born
"I know it's going to be called the Jewish State, Daryn... but I'm withholding judgment until I can get a decent Reuben Sandwich in Tel Aviv, know what I mean?"
Ike's Heart Attack
"I guess now we're just HALF a heartbeat away from having Dick Nixon as President, huh Daryn?"
"Boy the North Vietnamese really let us have it last night! And you know it's a shock, Daryn, because the folks at my local Chinese restaurant are usually NICER to me during the Lunar New Year. Man, go figure."
Patty Hearst Kidnapping
"You know what I don't understand Daryn?... Why isn't there also a Symbionese Liberation Navy?"
"You know what could stop this problem of endless gas lines at the stations, Daryn? The oil companies could start delivering fuel direct to your home!"
Miracle on Ice
"Well, finally we all have something to make us feel good about being Americans again. But I'm concerned about the other side of this story... people in Russia and Finland probably really hate us right now."
First Shuttle Launch
"That's one impressive space vehicle folks... but what do you think the insurance is for that sucker? YEOW!"
2000 Election Mess
"Well, it looks like they're going to have to recount all the votes, county by county Daryn. It's a job even thought counting muppet from Sesame Street would find daunting, I'm sure."