Car Chase Ruling
The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that police officers cannot be sued by suspects who lead them on car chases. But the court did rule that the suspects should get a cut when the police sell the dashboard camera footage to “Cops”, “America’s Funniest Home Videos”, and Headline News.


War Report
A report from an Israeli commission of inquiry on last summer's Lebanon war said Ehud Olmert entered the conflict uninformed and unprepared… but not as uninformed and unprepared as the New York Times.


Al Qaeda Raps Hamas
Al Qaeda leaders are publicly assailing Hamas for not waging all-out war against Israel. In their defense, Hamas leaders are reminding al Qaeda that Israel really isn’t as bad for Muslims as most Muslim countries.


Cobain Auction
Courtney Love, widow of Nirvana singer Kurt Cobain, says she plans to auction most of his belongings… including his 15-year-old daughter Frances.


Moss Wear
Supermodel Kate Moss is launching her own clothing line, featuring attire that “shows off your 15-inch waist but still covers all your track marks.”


RadioShack Profits
RadioShack reported better-than-expected first-quarter profits Monday as cost cuts helped offset weaker sales, and millions more Americans came into its stores to find the wire that connects the thingamabob to the doo-hickey.


Hasselbeck Preggers
Elisabeth Hasselbeck, a co-host on "The View," is pregnant again. The father is reportedly Rosie O’Donnell.

No Sale
Yankee owner George Steinbrenner is vehemently denying rumors that he's going to sell the team. But the way the Yankees have been playing, he is thinking of donating them to the Salvation Army.


Weekend TV
Millions of Americans watched on TV this weekend as dozens of total amateurs hoped for a chance to make the big time... and after the Democratic presidential debate they watched the NFL draft.


Turkish Rally
At least 700,000 Turks took to the streets Sunday to protest an Islamist presidential candidate's plans to reinstate Muslim law in Turkey... this despite the fact that most Turkish women really look better with a burka.



Mosely Braun Attacked
Former Senator Carol Mosely Braun broke her wrist this weekend in an apparent mugging incident. But upon further review, it turned out it was just one the donors to her 2004 presidential campaign who wanted his money back.



Moss Traded
The Oakland Raiders have traded wide receiver Randy Moss to the New England Patriots. In return, the Raiders got a 4th round pick and a parole officer to be named later.



Attacker Apologizes
The 44-year old man arrested for brutally attacking a 101-year old woman and an 85-year old woman in Queens is apologizing for his actions and explaining that he was only trying to do his part to save Social Security.

Senate Bill
The House and Senate have passed an Iraq war funding bill that calls for U.S. troops to begin withdrawing by next March. It's the most irresponsible thing Congress has done since it reinstated Patrick Kennedy's parking pass.

Critics say the Iraq withdrawal bill is all part of the Democrats' "defeatist strategy"... although it's not as big a part of it as nominating John Kerry for president in 2004.



Spector Defense
Defense lawyers in Phil Spector's murder trial say police ignored evidence in the case. Gee, I don't know what it is about Phil that could have distracted them.





















Colombia Blackout
A nationwide blackout has crippled the entire nation Colombia, with only 20% of the country's power restored. The news has sent wholesale cocaine prices soaring to $40,000 per kilo this afternoon in the trading pits on 177th St.


Kids at Work
Thousands of boys and girls swarmed office buildings Thursday as they took part in "Take our Children to Work Day" across the country. Participation in the event is growing, but it's still not as big as the NBA's "Take our Illegitimate Children to Work Day."



Strong Stuff
The U.S. government says the marijuana now being sold across the U.S. is stronger than ever before... which explains the growing number of marijuana-related medical emergencies, and the record profits at Taco Bell.



Olmert Accused
Israel's state comptroller called for Ehud Olmert to be investigated for allegedly offering political jobs to his friends. It's a shocking story to most experts who didn 't know Olmert had any friends.




Hagel's Statement
U.S. Sen. Chuck Hagel told an Arab American audience that his support for Israel was not "automatic" … so if he's lucky, Hagel might just get a local anaesthetic before they behead him.

Mrs. D'Amato's Perks
Controversy is swirling on Long Island after a town council voted to let Al D'Amato's wife Katuria continue to get full health care benefits for her part-time zoning board position. It turns out Katuria needs full-time care for the constant nausea and gagging commonly associated with being married to Al D'Amato.


McCain Candidacy
Senator John McCain officially announced his candidacy for president in New Hampshire today. Although it was less of an announcement than a cry for help.


Rosie Going
Rosie O'Donnell has announced she is leaving "The View"... which is too bad, since she was the show's only male cast member.



Iraq Numbers
Iraq's government is withholding figures on civilian deaths, thus forcing Congressional Democrats to talk more about Imus.


New Planet
Astronomers have for the first time discovered a planet outside our solar system that is potentially habitable... at least until the French find out about it.


Robbery Ring
Two 20-year-olds are on trial in New York City for allegedly targeting gay men to exploit and rob. It's kind of like working at a Democratic Party fundraiser.

Lethal Injections
A medical study shows that the drugs used to execute prisoners in the United States sometimes fail to work as planned, causing slow and painful deaths that probably violate constitutional bans on cruel and unusual punishment. A related medical study shows that nobody cares.


Heavy Costs
A new study shows that overweight workers cost their bosses more in injury claims than their lean colleagues... which explains why Ex-Lax has replaced the Snickers bars in the breakroom vending machine.



Iraqi Anger
College students in Baghdad have posted signs protesting the shooting deaths at Virginia Tech. The Iraqis are angry they didn't get the chance to do the shootings themselves.



Reid on Bush
Sentate Majority Leader Harry Reid says that: "No more will Congress turn a blind eye to the Bush administration's incompetence and dishonesty." Well, it's pretty hard to turn a blind eye to incompetence and dishonesty when you see it every day in the mirror.


House Testimony
Former Pfc. Jessica Lynch and the brother of Army Ranger Pat Tillman told a House panel today that the U.S. military lied about Tillman's death and Lynch's capture. Mirroring their policy on the war in Iraq, House Democrats invited Tilman and Lynch to speak, but refused to pay for their travel expenses.



Housing Market
The housing market hit a new bottom last month with sales of existing homes down 8.4%. Experts say the drop was due to tighter mortgage practices, higher inflation, and the fact that most houses "really smell like wet dog."

Yeltsin Dead
Former Russian President Boris Yeltsin died Monday at the age of 76. He outlived his liver by 16 years.

Yeltsin will always be remembered as the man who brought democracy to the former Soviet Union... and the man who took it away five years later.


Reid Blasts Bush
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says President Bush is in a "state of denial" about Iraq... a statement that would mean a lot more if Harry Reid weren't in a state of denial about America.


Texting Queen
13-year-old Morgan Pozgar was crowned the National Texting champion on Saturday after she typed "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" from "Mary Poppins" in 15 seconds. The competition was sponsored by drug companies hoping to market arthritis medications for kids.


Chinese Internet
Chinese President Hu Jintao has launched another campaign to crackdown on Internet content and make it a springboard for Communist Party doctrine. Because Communism and the Internet go together like a dominatrix at a toddler's birthday party.



Iraq Wall
Critics are blasting the U.S. military's plan to build a wall between Sunnis and Shiites in Baghdad. These are the same people who criticized the wall separating Israelis and Palestinians, metal detectors at airports, locks on bathroom doors, and the pasteurizing of milk.


DNA Benchmark
The New York-based "Innocence Project" is boasting that it has just used DNA to exonerate its 200th person since it began in 1989. In a related story, the nation's prosecutors have just used DNA to convict their 760,287th person in the same period of time.


Chase's Childhood
Chevy Chase says his parents abused and tortured him for most of his childhood. Usually, abused children grow up to abuse their own kids, but Chevy obviously decided to go into show business and get back at all of us.



Atkins Fight
The widow of diet guru Robert Atkins is countersuing the trustees of his estate, who want $8.7 million in back pay. She's also ignoring the millions of people still on her husband's diet, who just want to eat a decent meal.

French Runoff
Record-high turnout in France has led to a runoff between right-wing presidential candidate Nicolas Sarkozy and left-wing socialist Segolene Royal. Experts believe the winning candidate will be the one who is best able to unite the voters with snobbery, cowardice and Jew-hatred.


Manhattan Driving Fee
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants to charge a fee for driving in Manhattan... that's on top of the cost of the psychiatric medications most people need after driving in Manhattan.


Gonzales Doubted
Testifying before a Senate committee, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales insisted that he played only a small role in the firing of eight federal prosecutors, but many senators were skeptical of his answers. Of course, the senators are experts in lying.


Survivor China
It was reported that the next edition of Survivor will be set in China. The winner will be the contestant who is able to keep CBS' copyrighted material the longest without it getting pirated.


Red Carpert Hosts I
TV Guide Channel has announced that it is replacing Joan and Melissa Rivers at red-carpet events with Lisa Rinna. They wanted a different host, but someone with just as much plastic surgery.

Red Carpert Hosts II
TV Guide Channel has announced that it is replacing Joan and Melissa Rivers at red-carpet events. But somehow, I still think they'll still be spending eternity greeting people as they enter Hell.

BlackBerry Outage
Millions of BlackBerry users lost service Tuesday night for more than 10 hours, until service was restored Wednesday morning. Most BlackBerry users spent the first few hours complaining about it, and the rest of the time meeting new people... like their wives and children.


Corzine Controversy
New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine is facing growing criticism after it was revealed that he wasn't wearing his seatbelt when his SUV crashed into a guardrail last week. And we thought it was only Governor McGreevey who didn't use protection.


Lost Whale
A 15 ton whale that apparently got lost during this week's nor'easter, got stranded Tuesday in Brooklyn's Gowanus Canal and died. Marine biologists say it was an especially dangerous place for the whale to be, since it is Gambino family territory.


Obama vs. Hillary
Federal records show that Barack Obama has more campaign staffers and consultants that his rival Hillary Clinton. Mostly because Obama's campaign hires men.


Horse Plans
Serbian officials plan to sedate more than 300 horses stabled at Belgrade's racecourse to keep them calm during a Rolling Stones concert. Well, it's either that or let him spend 5 minutes inhaling whatever comes out of Keith Richard's nostrils.

Thompson Gaffe
Republican presidential hopeful Tommy Thompson apologized for his comments Monday to a Jewish group when he said that earning money is "part of the Jewish tradition." The thing is; none of the Jews was offended.

In a related story, Indiana's secretary of State asked for forgiveness after making a comment at a GOP event last week about black people voting mostly Democratic saying, "Who's the master and who's the slave in that relationship?" Again, none of the Republicans in the audience was offended.



Olympic Civility
While preparing for the 2008 Summer Olympics, Beihing officials are launching a citywide campaign to discourage spitting in public, public cursing, and urging people to behave civilly when waiting in long lines... you know, all the things that make life worth living.


Primate Behavior
Scientists have been seeing increasing similarities between humans and chimpanzees, including using tools and hunting in groups... it's something they noticed by observing the crowds at Home Depot.

VA Tech Reactions
While experts try to make sense of the atrocity at Virginia Tech, most Americans are counting their blessings, hugging their children, and thanking God now that Al Sharpton won't be off the TV for at least a week.

Already, pro and anti-gun control advocates are using the campus killings to attack each other, critics of the school's security detail are protesting, and when it was learned that an immigrant on a student visa committed this atrocity, Lou Dobbs' head actually exploded.



Middleton in Tears
Kate Middleton is reportedly inconsolable after Prince William broke up with her last week. Actually, she should be thankful she got out of the relationship before Queen Elizabeth had her killed.



Time Warner Moves
The Wall Street Journal reports that Time Warner executives are wondering whether it should buy a major Internet company. But first, it's hoping to get AOL adopted by either Madonna or Angelina Jolie.


Madonna Crowds
Stone-throwing school students blocked journalists from covering pop star Madonna's visit to an orphanage on Tuesday. Which was surprising, since crowds usually throwing stones AT whores, not away from them.


Bad PJ's
The Disney Store is recalling Baby Einstein caterpillar pajamas and Baby Einstein duck pajamas due to a risk of burn injury to children. Managers noticed how the clothing was the first to burst into flames every time they torched the failing Disney Stores to collect the insurance money.

Campus Shooting
At least 31 people have been killed in an horrific shooting spree on the campus of Virginia Tech University. Police are feverishly working to find out if the gunman said anything to offend the school's women's basketball team.


Boston Marathon
Robert Cheruiyot of Kenya crossed the finish line Monday to win his second straight, and third overall Boston Marathon... but this was the first time he had to finish the race in a rowboat.


Hill's Cash
New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton convinced donors to give her presidential campaign more than $24 million in the first three months of 2007... and I felt guilty for spending $19.99 on that set of steak knives.


Sallie Mae Bought
Two private-investment funds are buying student loan giant Sallie Mae for $25 billion... that's $1 billion less than the brokers at those firms still owe on their student loans.



News Poll
A new poll has shown that the availability of 24 hour cable news stations has had very little impact on how much Americans know about national and international affairs. That's because 24 hour cable news stations don't actually report on any national and international affairs.


Holocaust Classes II
Some public schools in Britain have stopped teaching the Holocaust in order not to offend Muslim students who believe it never happened. This has actually been the policy at the BBC for 25 years.

Holocaust Classes II
Some public schools in Britain have stopped teaching the Holocaust in order not to offend Muslim students who believe it never happened. Unfortunately for everyone else, the Muslim students apparently do believe in Algebra, Chemistry, and Phys. Ed.


BBC Reporter Worries
BBC officials are beginning to worry about the fate of reporter Alan Johnston, who was kidnapped by Muslim terrorists in Gaza last month. Johnston's bosses are terrified that the longer he remains in Arab hands, the greater the chance he's going to stop hating America and the Jews... making him ineligible to keep working for the BBC.


Fiery Toilets
Japan's leading toilet maker is offering free repairs after announcing that 180,000 toilets it manufactured could catch fire. Funny, my toilet only catches fire about six hours after I eat Mexican food.


Rosie's Promise
The good news is Rosie O'Donnell is promising that she will not talk about President Bush anymore on "The View." The bad news is she now plans to fill that time by talking about her sex life.

Nor'easter Blows
High winds are causing devastating damage in the New York area this weekend... but enough about the latest Al Sharpton news conference.

A strong storm is battering much of the Northeast. It's so wet and windy in New York that even Don Imus is finding work as a radio weatherman.


Wolfowitz Controversy
World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz is under fire for promoting his girlfriend to a lucrative job at the bank. The story is shocking to economists and financial experts alike, none of whom can believe that Wolfwowitz actually has a girlfriend.


Sadr Secession
Anti-U.S. Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr has announced the departure of his movement's six ministers from Iraq's government. Each of the minister's say they'd feel much more comfortable as members of the Democratic Party.


Menudo Returns
Dozens of Latino teenagers showed up for auditions in Miami Saturday as the Puerto Rican boy band Menudo has announced a comeback. This is either a really bad idea, or an elaborate law enforcement sting opertation aimed at Michael Jackson.

Menudo Returns 2
Dozens of Latino teenagers showed up for auditions in Miami Saturday as the Puerto Rican boy band Menudo has announced a comeback. The lines caused heavy traffic jams in the downtown area as most local contractors thought they were looking for construction work.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday


Imus Canned
MSNBC has decided to permanently pull it's TV simulcast of Don Imus' radio show. So that's three people who will never see Imus again.


Couric's Future
Despite a shakeup in the Evening News management team, Katie Couric's sagging ratings are fueling speculation that she might soon be out of a job. Of course, just like all network anchors who get fired, Couric will probably just end up working at CNN.



Robot Pool Cleaner
IRobot, the maker of the Roomba robotic vacuum clearer, is now selling a robotic pool cleaning device called the Verro. These two items combined have done more to cut down on illegal immigration than the government has in 40 years!



American Al Qaeda
A federal indictment says 43-year-old Christopher Paul of Columbus provided material support to al Qaeda and plotted to set off bombs in Europe and the United States. But even if the allegations are true, Al Sharpton says Paul is not as big a threat as Imus.


Hillary's Resolve
Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton says the pain and turmoil of her White House years don't discourage her in the least as she wages her presidential campaign... especially since all of that pain and turmoil was felt by the American people.


Minister's Wife Trial
The trial of the Tennessee woman who shot her minister husband to death began Thursday. The case would be a media sensation, but the defendant is not a radio shock jock and she doesn't have Anna Nicole's breasts.


Pet Food CEO Claim
Mark Wiens, the CFO of Menu Foods, which is at the center of the tainted pet food scandal, says that it was a "horrible coincidence" that he sold nearly half his shares in the firm three weeks before a recall of its product. He also says it was a "horrible coincidence" that his dog started eating exclusively at the Olive Garden on the exact same day.

Bad Pet Food
The FDA says contaminated pet food is still being sold at some stores... which is bad news for dogs, cats, and women over 80 who live alone.


Disney Dresses
Disney has unveiled a line of bridal gowns inspired by their princess characters... and a new line of black leather lingerie inspired by the wicked queen, Urusula, and Malificent.

Disney Dresses II
Disney has unveiled a line of bridal gowns inspired by their princess characters. That's good news for everyone except the guys marrying the women with the gown from "Beauty and the Beast."


Katie Couric: Cradle Robber
50-year-old Katie Couric is dating Brooks Perlin, who is 17 years younger than her. That's funny, because the only people watching her show are at least 27 years older than her.


Dickens World
A new theme park in England has opened called Dickens World, which dedicated to the author Charles Dickens. It's the first theme park that encourages parents to leave their children behind.

Iraq U.
Several Iraqi universities are still holding classes, despite the bombs going off daily near the classrooms. Actually, this is not so much of a distraction because most of the students are studying to be bombers.


Longer Tours
The Pentagon has announced that active duty troops in Iraq will have their tours of duty extended by three months... mostly because keeping our hard-working soldiers out of the U.S. until this idiotic Imus controversy blows over is the least the Defense Department could do.



Imus Sponsors
As a result of Don Imus calling the Rutgers women's basketball team a "bunch of nappy headed ho's," his radio show is losing major sponsors like Procter and Gamble and Staples. However, he is picking up some new advertisers... like Afro Sheen.


Citi Layoffs
Citigroup announced today it is cutting 17,000 workers... which is hard to believe, because I haven't seen a human being working at a Citibank in 15 years.



Citi Layoffs II
Citigroup announced today it is cutting 17,000 workers. So I guess we're going to be seeing a lot of out-of-work ATM's on the streets.



Iraqi Insurgents in Iran
The Pentagon says Iraqi insurgents are being trained in Iran. But that's just for military training... for their anti-American and anti-Jewish training, they're just reading the New York Times.


Duke Players Cleared
Prosecutors on Wednesday decided to drop all charges against the three Duke lacrosse players accused 13-months ago of sexually assaulting a stripper at a team party. Well, that's swift justice for you... I think it took the Catholic Church less time to clear the Jews for supposedly killing Jesus.


Woman Town
Chinese officials have created the first "Woman Town," where women will make all the decisions and unruly men face discipline... I guess all the local S&M parlors in Beijing are getting too crowded.



CBS Producer Fired
A CBS News producer was fired and the network apologized after a Katie Couric video essay on libraries was found to be plagiarized from the Wall Street Journal. CBS News management is making it absolutely clear that it's only okay for its employees to plagiarize the New York Times.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!



Birkhead the Father
DNA tests show there is a 99.9999% chance that Larry Birkhead is indeed the father of the late Anna Nicole Smith's baby. And now there's a 100% chance he'll be a guest on Larry King Live for the next two weeks.

DNA tests show there is a 99.9999% chance that Larry Birkhead is indeed the father of the late Anna Nicole Smith's baby... scoring a major victory for out-of-work photographers who sleep with their drugged-up models everywhere.


Imus Coverage
The major news networks, newspapers, and websites are all giving full 24/7 coverage to of the Don Imus story... distracting the public from more important issues like finding out who is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter.

The Rutgers women's basketball team has agreed to meet with Don Imus... provided he comes alone, unarmed, and without that stupid cowboy hat.



Bush Meeting
President Bush says he is willing to meet with Congressional Democrats to discuss the war in Iraq, but not to negotiate his handling of it... which is a mistake for him, because for the Democrats, "negotiate" is actually their code word for "surrender."



Gitmo Protest Ending
A long-running prisoner hunger strike at Guantanamo Bay appears to be losing steam. Looks like it's yet another victory for the Gitmo cafeteria's Beef-a-Roni.


Dirty Lawyer
A 3rd-year law student at Brooklyn Law School is facing questions about her character after baring her breasts for a Playboy video. Legal experts agree that for her to prove that she still has the moral fitness to be a lawyer, she'll have to take off her panties too.


Pacman Suspended
Adam "Pacman" Jones of the Tennessee Titans has been suspended for the entire 2007 NFL season. This, after it was learned that he listens to "Imus in the Morning."



Indian Children
A new government study says that more than half of children in India are subjected to sexual abuse, but most do not report the assaults to anyone... mostly because they don't want anything to hurt their chances of getting adopted by Angelina Jolie.



National Guard Complaint
Florida Senator Bill Nelson says the war in Iraq has depleted the equipment inventory of the National Guard, potentially hampering its response to hurricanes. Yeah, you'd hate to be in the middle of a hurricane an not be able to shoot at it.


Poverty Project
Some students at the Mary Washington University in Virginia participated in a project where they lived on $2-a-day to learn what it's like to survive on a poverty-level income. It's the same project the University forces the students' parents to participate in by charging more than 30 grand in tuition every year.


Billionaire in Space
Upon his arrival at the International Space Station, U.S. billionaire Charles Simonyi was greeted with a message from girlfriend Martha Stewart, who said, "You are out of this world." That's sweet. It's also a little sad for all of us who had hoped that all that government funding for space travel would at least give humankind a way to avoid listening to Martha Stewart.


Health Study
A new study suggests that people who drink a lot of coffee and smoke are less likely to develop Parkinson's disease. That's because they'll be dead already from lung cancer and heart attacks.

Office Shooting
Police say a gunman shot three people at an office building just outside of Detroit, Michigan Monday morning. This is an especially sad story, since the victims were the last three people in Michigan who still had a job.


Anti-American Protest
Thousands of anti-U.S. protesters marched in Najaf, Iraq Monday. Most of the demonstrators were bused in from Berkeley over the weekend.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Anti-American Rally in Najaf

5) "Hey, weren't you in my English Lit. class at Yale last year?"

4) "The marcher who shouts the loudest gets the Michael Moore movie of his choice!"

3) "Actually, I love America, it's just nice to take a break from suicide car bombing once in a while."

2) "Psst... when the TV cameras are gone, we can start chanting 'Death to the Jews' again!"

1) "Protest? Oh, I thought this was the line for clean water."



British Change of Heart
Britain’s defense secretary has abruptly reversed a decision to allow some of the sailors and marines captured by Iran to sell their stories to the media. The decision is breaking the hearts of French servicemen all over the world who were hoping to use the reports as a textbook for their basic surrender training.



Snowed Out
All three Indians-Mariners games this weekend were canceled due to heavy snow in Cleveland. This could pose serious problems in the coming weeks for the Indians, since that snow probably won't melt until June.


Imus Protest
About 50 African-Americans marched Monday outside Chicago's NBC tower to protest Don Imus' racially insensitive comments about the Rutgers women's basketball team. They were joined by about 500 White demonstrators protesting the fact that Imus hasn't been funny since 1981.


North Korea Demand
North Korea says it will immediately invite U.N. nuclear inspectors into the country if $25 million in disputed North Korean funds is released... or if the U.N. inspectors promise to bring them some toilet paper... whichever's easiest.


Baghdad Anniversary
Monday marked the 4th anniversary of the fall of Baghdad... and the 3rd anniversary of the media's decision to pretend this was a bad thing.


Long Cab Ride
A New York City cab driver is driving a Queens couple in his cab over 2500 miles from New York to Arizona this week. It's not a bad gig, but it's going to be a bitch getting a return fare.


Naomi's Beau
It was reported that Naomi Campbell is dating 300 star Gerard Butler. Well, at least we know he can defend himself.


Disgusting Dentist
A British dentist was found guilty Thursday of urinating in his surgery sink and using dental tools meant for patients to clean his fingernails and ears. Wait... they actually have dentists in Britain?


Amazon Swimmer
A 52 year-old Slovenian man has successfully completed a 3,300 mile swim down the Amazon River, despite suffering from dizziness, vertigo, high blood-pressure, diarrhea, nausea and delirium... and that was just from the water he drank at the hotel.


Piracy Complaint
The U.S. says it will file two trade complaints against China over piracy of American movies. But China is filing a counter-complaint over the indignity of having to copy movies like "Grindhouse."

Masters Champ
31-year-old Zach Johnson won the Masters Sunday... shocking most members of the media who weren't aware that there were any golfers other than Tiger Woods.

Meanwhile, Tiger Woods' disappointing loss in the Masters has set off a rash of violent riots at several country clubs across the country.

Watching all these rich guys fight tooth and nail at the Masters only to get to wear an ill-fitting, ugly, green blazer is kind of like watching women shopping at Loehman's... only the women are a little more competitive.


Pope's Message
Pope Benedict XVI focused his Easter message on suffering in the world, saying that "nothing positive" is happening in Iraq. Actually, there is: there's been so much killing there, nobody really cares anymore when priests sleep with altar boys.

Pope TV
TV outlets in 67 countries aired the Vatican's entire Easter service, but not in Italy where nothing interrupts the regular early afternoon broadcasts of pornography.


Sadr Command
Radical Shiite cleric Muqtada al Sadr is urging his followers to stop killing Sunni Iraqis and start killing Americans... I guess he just wants a real challenge.


Hamas List
In a sign of possible progress, Hamas militants say they've sent Israel a list of prisoners they want released in exchange for Cpl. Gilad Shalit. Unfortunately, the names on that list include Ali Baba, the 40 Thieves, and the bad guy from the movie "Aladdin."

"Dice" Debut
$103 million Japanese prospect Daisuke Matsuzaka won his first game and struck out 10 Kansas City Royals in his debut with the Boston Red Sox yesterday. One can only wonder how well he'll pitch against a Major League team.

Emissions Ruling
In a victory for environmentalists, the Supreme Court has ruled that carbon dioxide is indeed a pollutant. But the court also said that the best way to reduce carbon dioxide emissions in the atmosphere is to get Al Gore to shut the Hell up.


Kerkorian Offer
Kirk Kerkorian is offering to buy DaimlerChrysler for $4.5 billion. But first, Kerkorian is demanding that the company stop making Chryslers.



Immigration Study
A new study shows that without immigrants pouring into the nation's big metro areas, places such as New York and Los Angeles would be losing population. And if there's one thing those cities really need, it's more people.


Pelosi's Plea
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she raised the issue of Saudi Arabia's lack of female politicians with Saudi government officials on the last stop of her Mideast tour today. The Saudis responded that they'll get right on that, as soon as they're finished killing everyone who isn't a Muslim.

Pelosi's Plea II
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she raised the issue of Saudi Arabia's lack of women at the highest levels of the Saudi government. King Abdullah responded by offering Pelosi the option of becoming one of his wives.


Ford CEO Pay
Despite losing a record $12.7 billion in 2006, Ford Motor Co. paid new CEO Alan Mulally $28 million for about four months worth of work. Ford said it paid Mulally so much because it didn't want him to have to do anything cheap... like driving a Ford.


Cell Phone Rules
The FCC has decided to keep keep a rule in place that requires cell phones to be turned off during airline flights... which means the only people on your flight still worth shooting are in al Qaeda.

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has announced he will release the 15 British sailors his country has held hostage since March 23rd. Ahmadinejad finally made the decision to let them go after being threatened with plagues of blood, frogs, hail, boils, etc.

Ahmadinejad was also convinced to release the hostages when he heard that Rosie O'Donnell was blaming the United States for the entire incident. Iran felt that appearing to be in league with O'Donnell was probably a bad P.R. move.


Pelosi Trip
During her conversation with Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she insisted that he do something about his nation's support of Hamas and Hezbollah. Then she politely asked if she could remove her head-covering and get up off the floor.


Obama Cash
Sen. Barack Obama has raised more than $25 million for his presidential bid in the first three months of 2007. Most of that money comes from David Geffen and all the people in Hollywood who are afraid of David Geffen.


Eagles Born
Two bald eagles have hatched in the wild on Santa Catalina Island for the first time since chemical contamination there wiped out the majestic birds decades ago. But the joyous news tempered somewhat when it was learned that the chicks belong to an 8-year-old female brought to the island by conservationists and a 21-year-old male, who was trying to hide from those guys from NBC who produce "To Catch a Predator."


5th Grade Sex
Five fifth-grade students face criminal charges after authorities said four of them had sex in front of other students in an unsupervised classroom in Northern Louisiana last week. Luckily, this was Louisiana, so all of the students in question were married to one another anyway.


Edwards Condition
Doctors now say that Elizabeth Edwards has a more treatable type of cancer than they originally thought. But experts say that could change if Mrs. Edwards' condition worsens, of if her husband's campaign needs to do more emergency fundraising.


Rove Heckled
Karl Rove was heckled and pelted by protesters after an appearance last night on the campus of American University in Washington, DC. It was all part of the university's stated principles of "celebrating diversity and respecting all peoples."


Richards Denial
Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is denying reports that he mixed his father's cremated ashed with cocaine and snorted them. Richards wants to make it clear that he did not snort his father's ashes... he smoked them.



Yale Flag Burners
Three Yale University students were arrested early Tuesday morning for burning an American flag outside a private home in New Haven. While they each face police charges, Yale will not punish them because they did not burn a Palestinian flag.

French Train Record
A French train broke the world speed record Tuesday, reaching 357 mph. French things don't usually move that fast unless they're retreating from an invader.


Florida 3-Peat?
Florida has repeated as the NCAA men's basketball champ, and it could win three in a row next season since none of its stars are graduating this year. Actually, no Florida basketball stars have graduated since 1964.


Hurricane Predictions
Top storm forecasters say the 2007 Atlantic hurricane season should be "very active." Experts say the storms should sweep away homes, businesses, and at least half a dozen presidential candidates.


Pelosi Welcomed
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was welcomed by crowds in Damascus as she began her visit to Syria today. The locals rejoiced when they saw that thanks to all of her face lifts, it will be extremely easy to behead her.


CNN Center Shooting
A woman was shot and killed just outside CNN's Atlanta headquarters today. The incident has left the network's employees shaken, especially since the Fox News Channel got it on the air first.

NCAA Final
The NCAA College Men's college basketball championship game tonight pits Ohio State against defending champ Florida. Ohio State is of course the sentimental favorite, since Buckeye star Greg Oden is celebrating his 50th birthday tomorrow.


Scotty's Ashes
The ashes of James Doohan, who played "Scotty" on the original "Star Trek" TV series, have been loaded into a rocket and will be released into space. Judging by Doohan's weight at the time of his death, there's a good chance his ashes will fill up that hole in the ozone layer in a jiffy!


New Maytag Man
Actor Clay Jackson has beaten out 1,500 other applicants and will appear as the new "Maytag Repair Man," in TV and print ads. Jackson won the job because just like the rest of Maytag's employees, he lives in China.


Tribune Deal
Tribune Co., the owner of the Chicago Tribune and the Los Angeles Times, has accepted a buyout offer from real estate investor Sam Zell in a deal valued at about $8 billion. That's a billion dollar per reader.

Now Zell can boost the value of his real estate holdings by getting rid of all the unread copies of the Trib and the Times that are lying around most of his properties.


Sam Zell says part of his deal to buy Tribune Co. includes a plan to sell the Chicago Cubs. It's not clear who will buy the team, since most of America's self-loathing and super-rich masochists have already spent all their money supporting the various Democratic candidates for president.

Top 5 Things You Didn't Want to Find While Cleaning for Passover

5) Petrified Cheerios

4) Uncle Seymour's old, ratty handkerchief

3) 6 cans of the same kosher-for-Passover chocolate syrup you just sent your husband to buy at the store because you thought you ran out

2) Uncle Seymour

1) The long-lost Afikomen from the 1977 Seder



"Confession" Video
Iran is airing new video of the captured British sailors "admitting" they were in Iranian waters when they were seized. Later in the video, all the sailors also admit to being Jews who use Muslim blood to bake matzoh.


UN Report
A new United Nations report says climate change is putting much of the animal kingdom on the "highway to extinction." The U.N. plans to respond by continuing to allow al Qaeda to put mankind on the highway to extinction too.



Iraq Safety
Senator John McCain says Iraq is getting safer. But he won't be satisfied until it's safe enough to hold a $350-a-plate campaign fundraiser in downtown Baghdad.



Earhart Clues
70 years after her disappearance, clues are still turning up in the search for pioneering aviator Amelia Earhart. The latest evidence shows she likely got lost somewhere on the baggage claim carousel at O'Hare airport.



Clinton Cash
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton’s presidential primary campaign has raised $26 million during the first quarter of 2007... which is considerably more money than she could raise if she ever told the truth.



Olmert Invitation
Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has invited Arab leaders to a regional peace conference. The Arab leaders say they're looking forward to meeting Olmert face-to-face... because that would make it easier to hold him hostage.